Nickels

Oh Mickey-1

Oh Mickeyyou’re so fine you’re so fine you blow my mind hey Mickey! hey Mickey! I run down the stairs bang bang bang I slam each step Did you shut off your music mom says from the kitchen bang bang bang I run back up the stairs Oh Mickey you’re sooo fine too bad I can’t sing for s**t not for s**t! not for s**t! I pull the plug on the radio slam my door shut run back down the stairs drag my fingertips over the gold fuzzy crowns Do you have to be so loud I don’t say anything grab my duffel bag Johnson High School Governors Pride of the Eastside Girls Basketball written on one side Let’s go I run past her to the garage Hey missy mom says if you’re late it’s your fault not mine I’ve been ready for half an hour

we drive to school in the 1971 Chevy truck it is gray and warm and almost spring and tonight I play in my first varsity basketball game she drives slow not like how I’m gonna drive when I get my license I don’t do anything slow or half assed anyone who knows me knows speed is my thing Can’t you hurry up I say this time she ignores me

we get to school she puts her blinker on to turn into the lot blink blink blink tips her chin looks in the rear view mirror waits for the oncoming car to pass looks in her mirror again what is she waiting for! I want to smack her hand off the wheel and press down on the accelerator myself move! but she sits and waits for nothing no cars only gray mist with green and red refracted lights floating splotches in the air Do you know what refracted means I say she ignores me turns into the lot god I hope no one from the varsity team is standing around outside

no one is! I jump out of the truck See you at the game she says I slam the door want to run into the school but I have to be cool in case anyone is looking but s**t! I made it! I’m going to letter in at least two sports as a sophomore

So And SoKelly yells from the doorway So And So! she’s in the big white oxford shirt she wore to school plus sky blue basketball shorts and knee high matching socks and unlaced bright white nike high tops she hugs me smoke on her clothes Way to go you’re playing up Thanks I say like I’m cool but really I want to dance around like a four year old we high five and walk into the school You still want to go out tonight right So And So she screeches the way she does when she’s excited she’s a little bit crazy but that’s why I like her Hell yeah I say Hell yeah she says and makes a fist I’ve got the Monte all night

I ride in the front of the bus with the sophomore team the varsity team went to state last year and I watched all their games on TV woohoo I yelled whenever Ann Kind scored she made the all tournament team with a 17 point game average and now here I am about to play with her I block out Kelly and Kate yelling in my ear watch the cars and trees and light posts speed into a blur if only Patty and then I make my thoughts stop stall them right in their tracks I can’t wait to get my license Kate says to Kelly I half listen to them talk about nothing while I stare at the back of the bus driver’s head he’s mostly bald except for a ring of dark brown hair he flipped over I stare hope no one notices me staring at his hair sometimes there’s too much sadness to hide

HeySo And So what’s wrong Kelly flicks my bangs stares at my face wrinkles her nose punches me says my mom says your dad is Indian you’re not Indian are you So And So I stare at the dark green dimpled vinyl seat Ahh I say where did that come from Kelly calls black people n*****s You kinda look funny like an Indian she knocks my shoulder again it’s true isn’t it I look up Kate and Monica are laughing fear cuts into my stomach are they laughing because my gramma is Indian because I look kinda funny dad would get mad whoo whoo dad would get mad Kelly says So And So don’t play on varsity stay with us!

The sophomore teamyells Governors! I yank my sweats over my high tops Kelly flings the bag of balls across the gym floor they scatter like children on a playground Patty! running across our elementary yard! coach Terry White taps me Coach is going to keep you entirely out of our game he says All right I say Terry leans down This is your big chance he whispers show em what you got I nod a ball bounces off my leg jams under the bleachers I pull my sweats up dig the ball out with the toe of my high top the sophomore team plays first then the junior varsity then the varsity

I sit in the stands by myself nervous about what Kelly said scared she’ll tell everyone my dad won’t even talk about being Indian if she said something to him I puff up my shoulders keep my hands in my pockets look tough something hits me in the back of my head I don’t look around pretend like I didn’t feel it the varsity girls are behind me Hey someone yells now I will have to turn around a whistle blows the sophomore game is about to start I look back feel stupid How come they call you So And So Ann Kind says she’s got curly blond hair cut up above the tops of her ears I say nothing Yeah what does So And So mean Julie Brown says eating a malt from Dairy Queen with a long red spoon they’re all sitting next to each other in the stands their feet up on the rows in front of them are you so so or what

I sink like they tied a stone around my neck watch my friends play basketball without me at halftime mom and dad show up stand next to me in the stands dad with his fat belly and jacket flared open I hunch in the stands they say they’ll be back for the varsity game Make your old man proud kid dad taps me on the shoulder I say nothing don’t want him to touch me want them to leave I push my duffel bag over try to sit big

Timeto go someone taps me on the shoulder I jump embarrassed zoning out like always I’m hyper or zoned it’s Julie Brown We dress during the second quarter of JV she says Okay I stand up a dizzy spell coming on I have to be tough get hyper I follow Julie Brown up the stands stepping around people and over piles of coats and bags until we reach the hallway You excited Sure I say shrug my shoulders pretend like I don’t care I heard Coach brought you up for your quickness Sure I say embarrassed we walk into the locker room stop by some lockers painted peach Julie stretches her arms out over her head looks at me Crank the music someone yells Not Journey again someone yells Too bad Julie yells we always listen to Journey before away games she looks at me like she’s trying to figure me out grabs her ankles stretches her long leg behind her Just do what we say out there and you’ll be fine she pats me on the head like I’m a kid and walks away I throw my bag in a locker and get dressed

We changeI tighten my laces stretch stare at the sides of the lockers peachy colored metal a weird color soft and smooth but so cold Let’s go they shout run out the door I follow them into the room next door where Coach is waiting on a stool All right he says we’ve brought up someone from the sophomore squad everybody say hello to So And So she’s going to help us out on defense she’s a regular Houdini all right that didn’t make a lot of sense just say hello to So And So he taps his belt buckle Hello So And So some of the team says Okay good now let’s get down to business I tune him out even though I should listen everything in the room is forest green Moundsview’s colors conference game low ceiling we win this we’ve still got a shot at state thick mats lined up against the walls white floury dust on the mats Let’s go! one two three go Governors!

we run out onto the court the band’s playing if only Patty I stop my brain my feet shuffle right shuffle left knees bent palms up stare at nothing blur the stands the people the floor into nothing shuffle right shuffle left there’s noise the crowd my teammates the coach the band I hear it but I don’t hear it stay bent down quick as a cat I am pure motion in the warm up pure speed pure power float like a butterfly sting like a bee my eyes water I’m crying! I miss Patty I sprint to the line bend down touch it spring back I can’t stop my eyes from watering if only Patty stop those thoughts! bend down touch the line turn sprint to the next line bend down touch eyes watering we do lay ups two lines pass criss cross I bring it into the basket Doctor J style I jump float twirl lay it in bright orange backwards off the glass turn run I am pure motion pure speed pure victory no one can touch me no one can stop me tweet tweet! All right Coach yells everyone in Great warm up So And So someone says pats me on the back I don’t say anything

we circle up mom smiles from the stands gives me a thumb’s up I look away try to listen but I’m caught up in the sounds and smells of the gym tennis shoes squeaking people talking in the stands cheerleaders yelling a trombone fluttering up then down buttered popcorn stale sweat all of it makes me want to puke Coach’s voice rolls around in my head like water So And So! Right! I look up embarrassed Coach is looking at me I nod Say it he says Right Coach I say he smiles all hands in the middle a big daisy One two three go Governors!

I sit down in the chair at the end So And So! Kelly screams from the stands So And So! I wonder if she’s already drunk hiding a flask of whiskey in her coat pocket Kelly loves me but I can’t show my love or mad dad will kill it I look at the clock at the other end of the gym it’s already 8:20 time means nothing to me before I know it the first quarter is over we are up 16 to 15 I didn’t get in my shoulders slump I hear my mom in my head sit up straight and smile I slump more So And So! Coach says crouched down in front of the bench he points at me you’re starting the second quarter I jump up point guard we’re staying with the zone you’re on top I take off my long sleeved jersey shove it under the folding chair pull down on my uniform top it springs back up I hate how short it is one two three break!

I am pure speedpure motion on the court my high tops squeak we circle up the ref tosses the ball in the air it spins slow mo above our heads then drops like a spider on a string Ann smacks it Julie Brown grabs the tip off bounce passes it to me I dribble down the side smooth leather on my fingertips cross over reverse spin one two three I bank the orange off the glass screaming everywhere So And So! sound is far away I am pure focused floating stinging bee everything I do I do for Patty it’s my fault she’s gone I toe the line where the other team will throw it in my hands up a Moundsview girl grabs the ball steps to the line I see nothing I see it all I blur space and time into one into nothing I step in and out of time and space I am four inches from the Moundsview girl I am on top of a bed taller than a mountain I am waving my hands following the orange tracking it’s my fault it’s all my fault! hands wave I have ten hands ten feet ten heads it’s my fault I float on the ceiling it’s my fault I sting like a bee smack the orange smooth leather cracks against my palm it’s my fault knock it in the Moundsview girl’s face tweet she holds her nose stares at me I look at nothing toe the line the ref hands her the orange leather tweet I knock it back in her face one two three times the crowd is screaming So And So! my teammates hit me on the back the Moundsview girl runs up and down the line I follow her ten hands ten feet ten heads tall as a mountain floating on the ceiling time and space are doorways I step through I knock the ball out of bounds again Moundsview can’t get the ball in they call a time out it’s my fault all of it’s my fault every last thing floating on the ceiling while dad’s on top of me on top of Patty it’s my fault I’m here a basketball star then I’m there dead on the bed here there here there stepping through the doorways I should have kept the nickels in the purse I should have kept the purse it’s a new Moundsview girl now she smacks the ball yells Break! I kick her bounce pass into the stands