Nickels

Oh Mickey-2

GrammaI was the third leading scorer in my basketball game

I am a little kid

Oh Gramma says that’s wonderful

Thanks I say I’ll have mom send the article from the paper

Oh granddaughter Gramma says I am so proud you are the cream in my coffee

You too Gramma I say love you too!

Coachwants me to play up for the rest of the season I spaz bounce a cherry red super ball on the countertop That’s great honey mom says we are both nervous watching dad out the corners of our eyes he is in one of his moods again mom pulls on my jacket collar straightens it out dad is at the kitchen table a martini with three green olives on a saucer in front of him You did so well tonight but couldn’t you just you know look a little nicer out there mom bends her knees a little keeps her back straight so she can look into my face I don’t smile set my duffel bag down by the oven You look like a damn princess out there dad snarls

I say nothing I know what is coming I want to get showered and get out it’s Friday night time to party Oh Mickey you’re so fine runs through my head like fat red yarn on a needle I was the third leading scorer I say hoping to divert his anger See what I mean he says slurring his words shaking his fist in the air See what I had to deal with wife all last summer and the one before that training her at the park in between my jobs do you see the kind of lip she’s got she’s got more attitude than Princess Ann Margaret out gambling away her life you’re going to be nothing nothing at all if you keep up that princess attitude he takes a drink your coach won’t stand for it do you hear me he’ll cut you then you won’t even have a spot on the sophomore team I step away he screams you’re s**t you’re a goddamn piece of s**t Yeah sure I say whatever you say I think he’s frickin crazy I’m not a little kid anymore Listen you little b***h and he springs on me faster than what I thought he’d be able to don’t you smart a*s your old man he stumbles a little mixes his own feet up reaches for my neck I push him in the chest he falls back Get the f**k off a me I growl mom says Come on now we’ve all had a big night husband aren’t your proud of your daughter she played varsity tonight her voice pitches high like the peak of a Tudor Oh sure she played varsity tonight she’s a big star dad waves his hand in the air look at me he says a big star Your brain’s shot I say he does this after every game Don’t you smartass your old man he gets in my face his breath is pure alcohol Get the f**k out of my face I snarl he raises his hand I don’t move we stare horns grinding

Thrilla in Manilla!

mom says Oh come on now you two stop it her voice is far away we stare

Thrilla in Manilla!

we stare

Thrilla in Manilla!

Oh you two now soft and far away

Thrilla in Manilla!

my arms bust out my jacket as big as Muhammad Ali’s I glare walk s l o w l y up the stairs I’ve learned to never show fear I stop at the top surrounded by gold fuzzy crowns f**k you I look him in the eyes

Thrilla in Manilla!

did he kill her did he kill her a fat red thread through my head I don’t shower can’t take the chance he’ll come in I dress in my room fast even though I don’t want to it’s like admitting I’m afraid clean underwear jeans tube socks basketball camp t-shirt gray sweatshirt Governors Girl’s Basketball I grab the wadded cash on the desk shut the door behind me he’s at the bottom of the stairs waiting in the dark all the lights are down low the fear could drop me to my knees but I cut it off walk down one step then the other Think you’re going someplace his voice cuts through the dark I say nothing his body is a shadow waiting for me on the bottom step I think of Patty disappearing into his darkness You’re not going anywhere he slams me into the wall holds me by my collar you wouldn’t know the truth if it hit you upside your head his eyes glint he punches me in my belly got that fire twists up my spine I push him run out the door Get back here princess he slurs I run onto the street there’s one light at Patty’s when is she coming home what happened to her how can she just disappear

So And SoKelly and Monica honk at me standing on the street corner the lights flash red one way yellow the other way So And So! you’re a frickin star I say nothing You were on the ten o clock news I say nothing they pull up next to me smoking in Kelly’s mom’s Monte Carlo What are you doing out here Monica says she doesn’t know me as well as Kelly Nuthin I say make my words short and to the point keep from crying I climb in the back seat hang my head I don’t want them to see my eyes watering Oh So And So what’s wrong Kelly looks back at me Nuthin I say What Kelly says again You know I say get outta here I’m afraid he’ll come outside chase us don’t drive by my house Kelly does a U turn Can we go to a drive thru I shake I’m cold I’m hungry my father wants to kill me I don’t know what happened to Patty

Monica is quiet embarrassed the way everyone gets when they find out about my dad Want a chew Kelly hands Kodiak wintergreen and a styrofoam cup over the seat the bear on the packaging stares at me I pinch it put it between my gum and lower lip lean back stare out the window the street lights form a steady stream of light I buzz Kelly punches in her Van Halen tape sings along I spit in the cup relax stop shaking Kelly pulls out a Heineken the only brand she drinks Want one So And So she looks at me in her rear view mirror In a minute I say in a minute

My bodyflows into the seat I am blue suede upholstery we pull up to McDonald’s s**t Kelly says it’s your coach I duck down pull out the chew my lower lip is rough like sandpaper little bits of chew stick to my lips s**t I say there’s bees in my head where is he Right here Kelly whispers turns down the music Hey girls Coach pounds on the top of the Monte Carlo looks through the window on Kelly’s side she doesn’t roll the window down Great game he gives me the thumbs up I nod hoping I don’t have to talk he walks around the back of the car I am paranoid that he’s trying to see inside but he disappears into the parking lot Jesus f*****g Christ Kelly says Damn Monica says

So And So you want fish Yeah I say Two filet fish one hamburger Monica says Three fries Kelly says And a Coke I say Okay the McDonald’s woman says pulls down the front of her brown striped hat Runnin with the devil Kelly and Monica sing I look over my shoulder but Coach is gone Sing with us So And So Kelly says drunk but I don’t sing Kelly rewinds the tape bzzzt punches a button Runnin with the devil she yells I found the simple life ain’t so simple we drive through Saint Paul eating drinking listening to Van Halen chewing spitting staring into the tall black night Tell me about your game I say to Monica and Kelly I miss playing with the sophomore team already because I can’t be happy anywhere even playing varsity basketball even being the star on TV nothing is ever enough I c***k a beer put in a new dip

Lightsin a black night flash into the car one after another I am floating on my back through the streets Where are we I sit up Nowhere Kelly snorts she is drunk Uptown Monica says go that way outstretched arm the Monte Carlo jerks toward the arm I lie down lights bing bing bing one after the other the wheels of the Monte Carlo virrr on the pavement soft music on the radio I don’t know how I got here I say silence they must think I’m crazy We’re in Minneapolis now Monica says that’s not what I mean I think but I don’t say anything That’s it Monica says tires squeal the Monte Carlo jerks again one side jumps over a curb stops Stay here So And So Kelly says gets out of the car someone might recognize you now that you’re a teevee star a door slams I twitch flash to mad dad the garage door So And So’s a teevee star! another door slams So And So’s a teevee star! the black air is cool runs over my body prickles my hair I feel like a child

I slit my eyes someone says I don’t think so the words string through my head like Christmas lights car doors thud a red white light circles through the inside of the Monte Carlo I feel like a child at oatmeal’s a lady with hair the color of oatmeal a lady who made me eat oatmeal! the red white lights stop then bounce inside the car I am drunk buzzed off chew they put little pieces of ground up glass in the tobacco to cut your lip the lights a lady named oatmeal riding in her car swinging a lasso catching people Hey So And So Kelly hisses above my head I tip my chin up she is upside down unlock the door she hisses her dad is a snake like mine sssth I say they are both snakes I know one when I see one So And So she says quietly I reach pul pull pulll the round plug until it pops up like a cork a door opens keys clang bottles clink the lights buzz round my head my legs are soft Ben Gay tingling they do this every time I drink I feel good I don’t care about anything the oatmeal lady took me somewhere in her car chasing people with my rope! I’m tired I’m hot we shouldn’t be doing this all these thoughts pull through my head like threads on needles the car starts I am blue upholstery soft suede on my cheek eyes slit Kelly drives the car I am a child a baby in a basinet So And So are you okay floats through the air brushes my hair Yeah I say I love brushed suede Kelly laughs rolls to a stop pitch black cold air brushed suede Ben Gay legs

A door opensGot it words say in Kelly’s voice Yes darts through the blackness back lot no street lights I shut my eyes my eyes shut me Is she okay So And So’s okay give me a cup of ice Oh ya China Doll Girl’s voice cuts out of my mouth no one says anything clatter clatter ice cup liquid glug glug glug radio turned on soft La la la la I say a baby in the dark no one says anything glug glug glug Want a wine cooler So And So my eyes slit Oh ya China Doll Girl’s voice says uv coarse I want a wine cooler give me whan right now Monica and Kelly laugh I sit up straight full of energy alert What kind of wine cooler you got I wag my hand in their faces Jesus So And So hold on Kelly says I want cooler right now China Doll Girl says looks around the parking lot a white Lake Street Liquors sign trees a dumpster flattened card board boxes give me drink right now China Doll Girl says Kelly and Monica laugh Kelly hands me a wine cooler Ah so very good I say they laugh again Your accent is really good Monica says how do you do that Kelly turns off the headlights the car idles in the back of the liquor store Ah very good wine cooler taste like grape they laugh again Monica’s foot is on the dashboard without a shoe just a sock I finish off the wine cooler my head spins like a top faster! faster! spin it faster crazy girl! Kelly burps sings with the radio The parents are bad very bad parents! China Doll Girl’s voice shouts Monica’s foot slips down s**t So And So Kelly says Damn Monica looks at me I lie down what do I care what they think blue suede on my face I burp grape my body relaxes the Monte Carlo is the only place where I relax blue suede brushes the small of my back I sleep like a baby