Nickels

Oh Mickey-3

The keyis around here somewhere I just know it kick the Welcome! mat letters faded to gray it slides off the steps on its rubber belly into the bushes half of it stays on the steps I think I kicked it too hard stare at it draped over the steps like a fish sucking air over the side of an aluminum boat or a snake swinging stop those thoughts! does everyone talk to themselves of course everyone talks to themselves! okay I look away then flip it off into the bushes with my toe so long mat! it flops into the bushes and dried up leaves leftover from last fall the Monte Carlo banana split peels a few roads down in my head I see Kelly turning the corner by the stop light too fast she is going to roll that car one of these days! Kelly ate fries cole slaw large Diet Coke banana split extra whipped cream ten cherries once we got sick of driving around all this pops into my head like a picture like one second I am in Kelly’s car the next I am outside my house the next I am watching Kelly eat

The key! where is it

fall into the railing black shiny dark cold steel on my belly my jacket and shirt pull up the railing hits me bare in the belly cold! another squeal far away now she’s out of our neighborhood hope mad dad mom didn’t hear her peel off where is the damn key! it’s always right here under the mat the moon makes a perfect circle on the parent’s bedroom window I stare up at it refracted light! the fastest girl in the conference can’t get into her house drunk high on chew that chew is good stuff spit it out once more there might be one last piece hiding in my mouth the moon above me a perfect round mouth oh! my name is Mouth I say my name is Mouth! what the f**k my mind is like a Greek chorus a Greek chorus! it never shuts up we never shut up!

I get down on my knees feel for the key the bushes poke me in the face where is the key! I am cold the cold travels from the concrete through my knees to my teeth chitter chattering so loud they’ll wake up mad dad mom asleep the moon on their window where is the key! I follow the sidewalk to the front the lights are on at Patty’s house they are always on Jimmy leaves them on for Patty says she’ll come back someday she’ll come back someday! I jiggle the front door the handle is loose practically falling off but it’s locked s**t! and damn! I have no where to sleep maybe in the yard maybe under the leaves a truck shoots by n***d no box I imagine Patty jumping out of the truck say Hey instead the lights at Patty’s burn into me she is gone because I loved her because she loved me I follow the sidewalk to the back stepping around the cracks dead brown weeds poking out between the concrete I will sleep by the steps in the bushes under the leaves will keep me warm my knees are wet cold muddy from looking through the bushes the garage shines white and dewy behind the house under the moonlight black roof lawn mowers upside down waiting for mad dad to fix them vroom vroom! he’ll never fix them they’ve been there for years tires spinning in the wind grass growing up their sides I walk up the back steps listening to myself talk in my head myself talking to myself

Self One: No! We won’t sleep outside!

Self Two: It’ll be fine in the bushes!

Self Three: Under the leaves like a wild animal!

Self Four: I’d rather sleep out here than listen to mad dad snore

Self Five: Or when he comes in the room

Self Six: Be quiet! don’t say those things!

See the key!there it is the key a black spot in the middle of the step I grab it a soft light is on in the parents’ bedroom it must be mom’s night light near her side of the bed the one mad dad makes her unplug he makes her unplug it every night! I stand there looking up the key’s cold teeth bite my palm refracted moon beams in their window why do I make her feel stupid I push in the key the rough burnt orange curtains on the door’s window move like long hair like Patty’s hair I lock it put the key on the counter stare at the key on the counter stare like a retard mom helped me I step on the outside edges of the stairs where they won’t creak the gold fuzzy crowns are soft and feathery like moss like a worn in leather basketball

in bed I watch the moon through the cracks in my shade Patty looks at the same moon somewhere maybe California maybe North Dakota maybe Texas a Dallas Cowboy fan go Danny White Tony Dorset Too Tall Jones! she watches the same moon maybe even right now she cannot be dead that I know me and Jimmy know she cannot be dead she cannot be dead! my head is in my pillow the pillow is around my head I let it rest stop all the thoughts that make my head so heavy a crooked back like an old lady I hobble to school with a cane mom helped me kept me from sleeping like a wild animal under the leaves the mole could still be alive moonlight on its eye lids

River waterspeaks to me on my knees in my dream next to the stream in Patty’s backyard someday it will be all right it will be all right someday it will be all right it will be all right

* * *

Cockaignean imaginary land of great luxury and ease I write it down under ubiquitous which is one two three four five lines under pontificate we haven’t had vocab in more than a week because Mr. Norman was at the hospital his appendix ruptured during homeroom people say who cares he’s a fag anyway I don’t say anything no one needs to notice I’m a fag dyke freak too Mike Taylor on a Notre Dame football scholarship said they should have let him die he said that during Mr. Norman’s class in front of the substitute teacher the teacher smiled a little like she thought that was funny Mr. Norman says Missy define cockaigne A land of great luxury and ease she left out imaginary he’ll tell her so An imaginary land of great luxury and ease Missy Mr. Norman says class it is highly likely that this word will be on your SATs Mike raises his hand When are we going to use a word like cockaigne and he pronounces it as c**k ayne kids laugh Mr. Taylor Mr Norman says and sits on an empty desk you plan on going to college correct Yeah Mike says I presume you will do something other than play football correct Oh yeah Mike says and licks his lips and smiles Mr. Taylor really must you be so vulgar Mr. Norman places his hands on his knee we all know you’re a big man with the ladies Mr. Norman knits his fingers together I meant study learn for the sake of learning advance yourself mentally morally and psychologically by being aware of the great literature and philosophies of the world while simultaneously developing the language to articulate your own life to pursue the most essential philosophical questions of all time who am I and what is the purpose of my existence Mr. Norman put Mike in his place and I am glad I draw loops on the left side of the paper connecting all the vocab words

Hmmm Mr. Norman purses his lips raises his eyebrows so that everyone knows he’s a fag Mike says nothing stretches his leg out looks at his size 16 tennis shoe I draw tiny pointed pine trees and a valley my own cockaigne a valley with green trees where my father does not live and cannot get into my cockaigne is a place where my father is dead and girls make their own rules and Patty is back Ms So And So Mr. Norman says Yes I say and look up from the tips of the pine trees dark blue against the white page Define ubiquitous Present everywhere Correct Mr. Norman nods his head once very good Ms So And So I am in a college prep course with seniors and two juniors because I scored in the 99 percentile nationwide in English they bounced me out of tenth grade English boing! Sam define montage Um it’s sort of like a mixture of things Incorrect Mr. Norman says and points to someone else she answers correctly Open your books to Night by William Blake I draw some rocks under the pointy blue pine trees Mr. Norman recites I write who am I in the sky

Bring! bring!the hallway is crammed with students and teachers who stand with their arms folded in the doorways of their classrooms Mr. Norman never stands in the hall he says he has better things to do than baby sit teenagers So And So! Moe says I say How’s it going Good she smiles one of her wicked smiles opens her locker and shoves her zip lock baggy filled with a toothbrush toothpaste and mint waxed floss on the shelf got plans for Friday No I say she brushes and flosses her teeth at school something must be wrong for someone to be that fastidious about her teeth I scan her short wide face and shoulder length brown curly hair but only see happiness or is it obliviousness whatever is wrong is buried deep her father says to her and anyone who will listen s*x is like potato chips once you start you can’t stop What she says because I’m staring Nothing I say and look at the vents in her locker slatted like fish gills everyone thinks I am weird Want to know who is having a party she pulls out her yellow American History textbook I shrug Brandon Ziegler I shrug again he’s a hockey jock The Brian Ziegler she says and giggles shuts her locker Ready I say You’ll go won’t you your game is on Thursday I don’t know I say Kelly and I usually go out Fridays Well both of you can go c’mon it’s going to be a great party plus you can go to Brandon’s house she sighs and looks at the ceiling he’s so cute I don’t know what to say because I don’t think he’s cute and Kelly hates Moe I suppose I say and we walk to American History Mr. Hale’s class is honors but dumber than s**t because you can sleep through every class as long as you memorize his worksheets the night before the tests

It’s So And So Ann Kind and Becky from basketball say Hey I say my voice drops a pitch Moe grabs my arm and says He is so so cute Ann and Becky laugh walk away He is so cute I hear Becky say in a high voice and all I want is for them to know I don’t think he’s cute I am not like Moe she clings to my arm walking backwards down the hall saying I could love him I really could and I don’t do anything just walk with her grabbing my arm

Grammahasn’t called in a long long time

So And So!So And So! the ref hands me the ball I crouch throw the ball in front of me with wicked back spin so it bounces back to me One I spin the ball back So And So So And So! the crowd yells Kelly screams Yeah! in my head I see her nostrils flare the way they always do when she screams Two I spin the ball back crouch even lower the crowd yells Three spin it back crouch low left hand on the side of the ball right hand finger tips lined up along a black rubber seam I hear nothing imagine the shot perfect back spin orange orb descending in the west falling through the air like Blake writes swish through the basket all net I let it go perfect follow through the orange arches spins slow motion I can see each black seam as the ball twirls from a wicked follow through drops in the net the crowd goes wild I capped a three point play I have over twenty points now So And So! So And So! the other team calls a time out my teammates push me I smile jog to the sidelines Coach ignores me doesn’t want me to get a big head wants me to stay focused on the game the team stat girl leans over whispers in my ear You’ve got 22 Coach shoots her a look Listen girls two minutes left we’re up by three keep feedin them to So And So full court press man on man all hands in the middle he waits puts his hand over all of ours looks at me says So And So next time down the court run the box and one you take it to the hoop if it’s wide open if not pull it back I nod he pushes his hand down on top of ours all white arms except one black girl like a big daisy with a stem One Two Three Go Governors we yell break apart five of us head to the court everyone else returns to their cold metal chairs