Nickels

Oh Mickey-4

So And So! Kelly yells from the stands throws her head back tips her hand like she’s taking a swig of whiskey straight from the bottle Oh god I turn around hope no one saw her Mrs. Hoffman the superintendent of schools and Larry Wilson the principal and Mr. Schell the assistant football coach who is also in charge of Johnson’s d**g a***e program are all here to watch the big game between Johnson and Edina the winner advances in regionals the winner of regionals goes to state oh god now everyone knows I party the bands starts up Hoo Rah Rah they yell I am on the ball arms windmilling the Edina girl throws it in I charge the girl she threw it to tall dark hair in a pony she’s a foot taller than me tall girls never worry about short girls she holds the ball over head where I can’t reach it Ann jumps on her too we are both on her I put my hands in her face so she can’t see Ann slaps at the ball the girl leans back I slide behind her rip the ball out of her hands big girls aren’t very smart I dribble down the right side go in for the lay up see Ann out the corner of my eye flip the ball behind my back to her the crowd yells as I land behind the basket the ball drops through the net we are up by three now Ann ignores me covers her girl down court I’m on the end line windmilling Kind Kind Kind Kind the crowd chants So And So Kelly screams she probably wishes I’d kept it myself but I want Ann to like me I chase down the ball it gets away they score we are up by one time out!

So And So box and one Coach yells I nod look at Ann she doesn’t look mad or glad or sad neither do I we are serious ball players with serious game faces don’t let anyone see how I feel! if I score on this play I’ll have 24 my name will be announced on the loudspeaker tomorrow morning at school as the leading scorer the next Ann Kind the next star! Let’s get to state Ann growls Go Governors!

Edina presses us Becky holds the ball with one hand wipes her forehead then passes into Ann I clap my hands for the ball Ann takes it down the right side spin dribbles past two of their players gets to our half stops in the corner covers the ball with her arms leans over Here! Here! I run to her she steps through two Edina players slips me the ball I fake a penetration down the middle pull it back switch hands three Edina girls run to me smack my arm Phreet! foul! number thirteen shooting one on one Ann broke the play Coach yells Kind! get over here she jogs to him head hanging the ref says On the line I step to the line So And So! So And So! I block out the noise I want my name on the P.A. system tomorrow morning leading scorer I want Ann to like me I want to win the game go to state win it all be a star be on TV I toe the line I have to make this I have to get on TV get on TV! so people see me I don’t want to disappear like Patty disappeared in my bedroom one night poof! poof! mad dad waved his magic wand I crouch spin the ball my fingertips on a seam see it swish in my head let it go watch it circle float an orange orb like Shelly bounces straight up spins hits the backboard spins rims rolls through So And So! So And So! the crowd screams we are up by two! I act like nothing happened cool as a cucumber no fear game face bat mask pulled tight That So And So she belongs in the mafia! I hear in my head Nothing gets in nothing gets out psychology lady with the pointy glasses pops in my head my game face bat mask keeps me safe keeps everyone away the other team can’t read me will I pass to the left or the right dribble down the middle pull up for a bank shot throw a Hail Mary downcourt no one knows what I’ll do not even me not even me!

the ref bounces the ball to me I crouch crunch spin spin spin set my fingers on the seam push flip my wrist follow through my elbow was out Off! I yell jump in for the rebound it shanks off the rim the orange orb is now a basketball jumpy out of control freakin leather wound round a rubber pig’s bladder Ann skies from the other side rips it out of the air underhands it to me Ann can touch the rim slam a Nerf Phreet! the ref says Game to Johnson he points to our bench I slam bounce the ball at midcourt high in the air watch it twirl for a second black seams spinning slow motion before my teammates jump on me tackle me smother me I keep my game face bat mask tight China Doll Girl slit eyes dad will yell at me tonight all night long I missed a free throw I won’t be able to escape him it’s Thursday a school night in my hometown of Saint Paul Minnesota on East Rose Avenue a block off Payne where truck drivers pass through on their way to the Dakotas there’s no escape for me

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Spring birdsneed food too mom says it’s still cold out mad dad rolls his eyes flips the channel You pay for it he says I don’t bankroll birds mom carries the bird feeder made out of rough hewn wood to the kitchen cuts through the plastic wrap with a steak knife I watch her from the door my arms crossed look at him in his chair flipping channels he won’t settle on one for long mom peels off the plastic crumples it leaves it on the blue counter top where it slowly unfolds returns to its original rectangular shape she pulls on the feeder’s cord handle lifts it off the table watches it swing I wonder what she’s looking for what she wants what she sees in her mind cardinals blackbirds chickadees sparrows blue jays gripping the tiny dowels poking at the seed behind the glass until they figure out how to puncture the tiny holes covered by plastic along the bottom she goes outside the orange curtains on the door swing behind her she disappears I won’t go near mad dad he screamed at me all last night right through the news while mom and I watched the highlights Sophomore standout at Johnson scores 23 in regional win against Edina the announcer said over footage of my reverse lay up me bouncing the ball at midcourt my teammates piling on top I was the star! it didn’t matter mad dad screamed f*****g s**t! stupid retard! dumb piece of s**t princess drank half a case of Hamm’s knocked the table lamp over broke the bulb mom picked it up last night before she went to bed f*****g s**t! freak dyke fag rang in my head all day I won’t talk to him go in the same room with him mom picks up after him made him breakfast sausage eggs ham buttered toast with homemade rhubarb jam bought a bird feeder tried to engage him about feeding birds I don’t know why

I see her through the window on her tip toes hanging the feeder off a tree branch anyone who knows my father knows he doesn’t give a s**t about birds he would just as soon shoot them as look at them he settles on a North Stars’ game Broten sends the puck down the side mom leans over stands up dumps bird seed into the feeder claps her hands together icing on the Stars I set the table for supper drop his plate down loud want to break it smash his face with it the pot screams mom comes inside I put the knife she used to cut the bird feeder plastic at his plate he wouldn’t like that Turn down the flame she says I toss a plate at her place scatter the rest of the utensils on the table Careful don’t scar the table top she says takes off her boots I drop the flame down to nothing the screaming stops I start up the stairs to wash up Who cares I say who cares about the f*****g table top What she says what did you say she yells up the stairs after me

Mad dad pileshis plate with mashed potatoes mad dad clicks his ice in his rum n Coke mad dad stabs a steak with his fork mad dad coughs in his arm pit mad dad makes a noise like he’s going to spit I tuck my chin to my chest I grip my fork n knife I rock a little in my chair just like a retard like a baby retard! I rock so I won’t explode! I rock so I won’t lean across the table jab a steak knife into his chest scream you repulsive piece of s**t mom sighs says Work was draining today Maryanne is back I rock I rock I want him to die I rock I rock to keep from killing him tipping the table across his chest driving it to the ground pushing it pushing it pushing it I pile my mashed potatoes higher than his I stab a bigger steak cover it in ketchup AI sauce cut it into squares he eats his steak down to the bone I eat mine down to the bone we click we clack we eat with no words

Mother says: we are a happy family living in a house with gold fuzzy crowns on the walls repeat after me we are a happy family living in a house with gold fuzzy crowns on the walls repeat after me we are a happy family living in a house with gold fuzzy crowns on the walls and a rough hewn bird feeder in the back yard

Party tonightshouldn’t eat so much it’ll be harder to get drunk but I can’t help it I have to eat as much as he does repeat after me: we are a happy family I flatten my mashed potatoes Miss So And So how was school mom says butters her mashed potatoes Great I say bright and cheery and sarcastic she looks at her plate

Poor mother she tries so hard and we are so mean to her!

Yeah she tries all right

She tries to pretend last night didn’t happen

Just super I say again I can’t stop the sarcasm dripping from my words my heart the b****y steak I can’t stop! Oh look mom ignores me points to the window with her knife a bird Oh look! I say dripping ketchup AI sauce mad dad keeps eating he never listens to us What is it she says squints her eyes leans forward A bird I say she ignores me Husband look a bird is already at our feeder why does she say our feeder it’s hers she bought it he doesn’t care why does she say ours Huh mad dad says looks up at her like he didn’t know she or I or the table or the room was there Look at our feeder there’s already a bird at it I eat my steak covered in ketchup AI sauce chew it cow meat I’ll puke it up later Oh he says like he’s surprised like he lives on another planet like he forgot all about the bird feeder he wouldn’t bankroll Oh I say imitating him like the dumbshit he is neither of them say anything he looks surprised like he does not know why I would be rude

Who knows why he looks surprised!

he’s a crazy man!

mom spoons green beans on her plate pushes the saucepan to me No I say I’m going crazy I want to fling the sauce pan across the room I can barely keep myself from hitting breaking punching screaming killing everything Oh she says Oh I say I can’t stop! I keep imitating her keep hurting her I’m so angry I can’t stop she clicks her tongue to let me know she heard me let me know I hurt her

She doesn’t like it!

Stop imitating them!

They’re going to kill you lock you out!

mom puts her napkin on the table Don’t scar it! I say she ignores me mad dad is on another planet Husband look it’s a sparrow So what I say dripping ketchup AI sauce murder in my blood a bird is a bird I say A sparrow he says makes a face What’s the difference I say They’re garbage birds mom says not attractive I stop chewing You only feed certain birds That’s right she says meets my eyes only the nice pretty ones I stare at her stupidly the ones that smile she means me a freak fag dyke I am to blame for everything I see it in her eyes the way she sets her jaw she wishes I’d never been born We don’t bankroll sparrows mad dad takes another drink You don’t bankroll anything I say trying to provoke him except beer he doesn’t say anything goes back to his own planet mom walks to the window Get off she yells hits the window with her fist you piggy sparrow let the chickadees eat the sparrow flies off turns a circle lands on the feeder mad dad gulps his drink ice hits his teeth Sparrows are so ugly mom says Sparrows are so ugly I repeat hating them wishing they would die both of them including my sparrow hating mom

She’s inmom says steps toward me with the phone dad stops chewing looks at mom raises his eyebrows your mother she says holding the phone to her chest he shakes his head stabs a piece of steak rolls it in A1 sauce she stops I look at her then him my mouth open he’s never kept me from talking to gramma before mom doesn’t move doesn’t follow his orders he slides the meat off the fork into his mouth pushes it around in his mouth No he cracks his fork on his plate Sorry mom says she’s not available right now my mouth opens You don’t need to talk to that crazy old he doesn’t finish his sentence taps his fork fills your head with all sorts of s**t I look at him he knows how much he hurt me a sparkle in his eyes like a jewel

Two shotsone for each basket I scored last night Go So And So go! Kelly screams nostrils flare one two three I slam she slams we slam a shot of Jack Daniels burp Whew! we yell high five Great game So And So Kelly screeches her hands clenched like a child’s Moe is jealous she doesn’t drink stands off to the side we are in Brandon’s sister’s bedroom she must be really young four or five Raggedy Annes loll over her yellow frilled pillow case Four more Kelly I look at her face while I pour another shot she’s adopted I wonder if she’s only white gramma flickers through my mind I focus on the amber liquid chase the thought of her away Kelly pours another we toast each other we toast the bottles I toast Moe in the corner arms crossed People will see you she says everyone knows who you are now So I say f**k em I think of my father want to punch him one two three I slam Kelly slams we slam the door slams Good riddance Kelly laughs we are wasted but not wasted enough More I say So And So Kelly says how many Twelve I say she laughs pushes me over leans on my stomach So And So you can’t drink that much Oh yes I can I want to touch her but I don’t C’mon I say get up three more Nuh uh Kelly pulls her Kodiak out her back pocket taps it with her knuckles I line up our shot glasses she keeps them at her house in the back of her closet her mom never snoops hers glass says Las Vegas mine says Hollywood I’m a star! I look at Kelly pulling her lip out putting a chew in she is funny I love her like I haven’t loved since Patty but I keep love far far away like a fairy tale from another world two more shots burn my throat Kelly spits in a red party cup Ah! I say two more the room spins I love being drunk last night’s screaming dyke stupid retard the look on sparrow hating mom’s face doesn’t feel so bad the room’s blurry I spill the whiskey on the yellow bedspread Oops poor little girl I wipe it up with my sleeve oh poor little girl! Kelly laughs at me I am funny when I drink One! I slam a shot Two! I slam a shot the ceiling bucks over my head I fall backwards onto my back I like how it all sounds the words in my head I fall back on the Annie Raggies striped red white legs bounce around me ceiling white bumpy bumpy ceiling buck buck buck bah buck poor little girl!

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