Nickels

What’s your name

What’s your nameshe moves toward me blocks the light f**k I say she has white nylon legs Sit up now her voice cuts through my head hurts worse I curl up taste puke in my mouth I am drunk somewhere a white padded wrestling room white mats on the floor white mats on the wall a white lady in the door maybe I died and went to heaven this is what heaven would look like for sure if it existed white ladies in white suits yelling in my ear For your information you are at the Ramsey County Detoxification Center Oh s**t! I yell they’ll kick me off the team I sit up she is for real a white giant in a white padded loony tune bin room

Wake upto a smooth ceiling Nurse she threw up again a woman says I turn my head a big mouth crazy is in a bed next to me a nurse pulls my sheet down Get out I say nothing look at the ceiling smooth as a baby’s butt caked throw up on my knee

Give me my b*a I say

Get up the nurse says

She threw up big mouth says

You already said that I say

Get up right now the nurse says

Fuck off I say

She swore big mouth says

Shut up you kiss a*s s**t I say hate her

A boy wonder nurse walks in snaps his fingers

I stare at him

Hey he says I’m Tom

grabs me pulls me out of bed caked throw up yellow brown on my knee and thigh don’t care crazy dyke fag freak then that’s what I’ll be C’mon Tom says he’s the only half way nice one in here She threw up big mouth says again while the nurse balls up the dirty sheet Is she crazy I say to Tom he lifts his eyebrows drags a white plastic chair next to my bed Are you trying to kill yourself Tom sits me in it I say nothing I hadn’t thought of that he makes my bed Now there’s an idea I say I close my eyes I’ll wait a few hours then I’ll sneak out no one will know a thing I won’t get kicked off the team I won’t get kicked off the team! Why don’t you tell me your name a new voice I open my eyes a small white lady brown hair down her back in jeans and blue clogs and a peach polo shirt I shut my eyes again she can’t get through China Doll Girl slit eyes bat mask pulled tight bleeding skin If you can’t tell us your name we will have to contact the police she puts her hand on my shoulder soft gentle makes me want to punch her in the face I’m sure your parents are very worried I pull my shoulder away blue clog bitch

I weara blue striped frock to a meeting with people in suits

What’s your name suit people say

Shrug

What’s your name suit people say

Shrug

What’s your name suit people say

Look out small window in the door to see who walks down the hall

You are making it worse for yourself by not telling us your name suit people say

Look at a gray c***k on the white tile floor

Your parents must be very concerned suit people say

Ha ha I say

Worried sick suit people say

Ha ha I say look at nails keep one arm under boobs to hold them up since cannot have my bra

Has something happened recently to upset you suit people say

A loss suit people say

An argument with a boyfriend or family member suit people say

Trouble at school with grades or friends suit people say

Feeling sad suit people say

Lonely suit people say

Depressed suit people say

Out of control suit people say

It’s okay we all have hard times suit people say

You can talk to us suit people say

Tell us what is wrong suit people say

Yawn look at ceiling white as the faces arms nylons frocks

Everything is white I say still a little bit drunk laugh because I am drunk but they are stupid will think I am crazy like big mouth

Look at each other suit people

What did you drink suit people say

How much did you drink suit people say

Have you drank before suit people say

Were you trying to hurt yourself suit people say

Lift eyebrows I say lean elbows on knees

Were you attempting suicide suit people say

Nah I say

No to which question suit people say

No answer make my eyes blank

No to one of the questions suit people say

Or no to all the questions suit people say

Or no to some of the questions suit people say

You’re right she could mean no to some of the questions suit people say

I hadn’t thought of that suit people say

Mm hmm suit people say

Close eyes will outlast them I am a patient patient sneak out later me n China Doll Girl

Tick tock tick tock I sit in a frock I laugh

We’re not getting anywhere with her suit people say

We’ll have to call the police suit people say

Bite nail keep one arm under boobs to hold them up don’t like droopy boobs against my stomach

What’s wrong suit people say

Spit out the piece of nail I chewed off

Please tell us what is wrong suit people say

I can’t have my b*a that’s what is wrong I say

Dreamall night long nurses in white nylons hook my b*a up to the ceiling No! I scream you don’t understand this isn’t who I am they gather round in a circle laugh one climbs a ladder hooks up another b*a No! I don’t want to die I don’t want to hate I don’t want to want to kill but they don’t hear me clip another b*a on a hook Patients might hang themselves from the ceiling they say hook up another b*a then another No! I scream I have something important to tell you listen to me!

That is herI’d like to talk to her alone mad dad’s in my dreams mad dad’s pinching my arm mad dad’s closing the door mad dad’s in my room I pretend to sleep Don’t pull this s**t with me Little Miss So And So you’re in no position to play games he pinches harder harder harder until my bone feels like it’s going to break c***k! right in two white walls white bras white metal hooks I keep my eyes shut he squeezes harder I scream in my head gramma gramma help me! push my face into the pillow bite my lip It won’t work I can send you to a loony bin he whispers in my ear that’s where you belong remember the judge

Ifhe says far away like he’s in waterYou he says I sink like a stone Ever he says I am drowning Tell he says Anyone he says I he says Will he says Kill he says You he says Like he says Your he says Little he says Friend he pulls me out of the water by the ankles leaves me on shore looks over his shoulder points at me Smile he says like your mother says he walks into the hall leave her alone for a few minutes she needs some time to think about our talk Shouldn’t I at least say hi mother says Later his voice fades as the door shuts behind him then his face returns to the window up high watching

Your fatherand I are very disappointed in you Little Miss So And So mom tucks in her chin so she’ll have better posture wipes the corners of her mouth with her thumb and finger the way she does when she’s nervous mad dad screeches around a corner Oh Husband mom sits up straighter afraid of him I slouch in the back seat What he yells slams the brakes I bounce into the back of the front seat bright blue vinyl replaces my face

One and a half storiesasbestos siding upside down lawn mowers we thought we were moving to California but it was just another part of town me and mom walk up the sidewalk mad dad squeals off tailing a truck out of town He needs to cool off mom says now that he’s gone she seems sad but I can’t care about her anymore it will kill me to care about her the house looks strange like I haven’t seen it in a thousand years something has changed and it will never be the same again Your team lost to Minneapolis North last night mom looks at me there is a wistfulness in her eyes reminds me of the blue lilacs that bloom in late spring out back but I don’t care I can’t care! the pain knifes my stomach I’ve ruined everything all my fault now me and Patty will never be stars in college high fiving down the court I’ll make a grilled cheese she opens the screen door someone painted it black while I was in detox Okay I shrug I don’t live here anymore

How are you my girlgramma says

Fine I say I know mom told her

You are the cream in my coffee gramma says her voice low and wobbly

I want to tell her dad isn’t letting me talk

I want to ask if she calls a lot if she hasn’t forgotten about me

dad opens the basement door

You are all I have I whisper hang up

Whatdid you do Mike whispers hunched over in his chair he’s a black painted nails Mohawk freak I didn’t do anything I say glance at the teacher she doesn’t mind if we whisper she’s not like the other control freak teachers her job description is to work with f**k ups like me and Mike Greg will you read your piece about an event from your childhood to the class Greg sighs dope freak that he is takes his feet off the chair in front of him My grandfather died in a farming accident he stops reading coughs Mike leans across my desk whispers Did you ever tell them your name No his eyebrows go up Really he lets his hand fall at me like a fag but he’s not he’s got a girlfriend in another state And when my grandma found him the tractor’s back tire’d already run him over Never I whisper and draw a line through the air My grandma dialed the sheriff I kinda stood around until the sheriff came the teacher nods It took the detox people three days to figure it out I say my parents didn’t report me as missing for two days I hold my hand up in a peace sign two days! and Kelly and Monica never told on me I smile Mike whistles he is impressed doesn’t think girls do things like that probation for a year and I say lean toward him I won’t ever play basketball for this school again Mike crosses his arms The coach told my dad that it was a waste of my time to try out next year That bites he whispers he’s a d**k f**k em I say anger spikes in me like a long tall weed

Age Twenty (1988)