Nickels

Stadium lights

Stadium lightsglimmer like diamonds through the humid air So And So Shelly yells behind me I turn receive the ball softly on my instep I am one with the thick air the sweat and humidity condense on my forearms and the backs of my hands Down the line Tanya shouts with one smooth fluid movement I shut out my defender send it down the line to Tanya a perfect pass she loses out of bounds I bend over hands on my knees pull at my shorts one with the airbound water my sweat my muscles my lungs I can feel every cell in my body every thing around me C’mon Tanya concentrate Barb yells slaps her hands I am at one with the noise of her slapping hands no one knows I am stoned

the squad with the yellow practice jerseys throws the ball to their defense they swing it around to the other side I can stand and watch now the breathlessness of soccer the bodies thighs calves the movements of both teams is like an orchestra all so beautiful it’s living breathing moving poetry the yellow squad loses the ball in a shuffle near our goal line Gail moves out of the pile arms pumping thighs ripping through the air she booms the ball across the field her whole body lifts off the turf from the force of her kick the ball twirls through the humid air in slow motion high as a mountain a perfect arching volley directly at me I lose it briefly in the jeweled stadium lights then find it crouch wait the ball hits my chest just under my collar bone I drop it at my feet swivel my hips leave the defender flat footed Nice trap Gail yells her voice trailing behind me a comet in the sky my thighs hips have the power of a horse a fricking horse! I take one two three steps set my right foot kick the ball that jackass toad standing at my feet clean through the air with my left foot curve it just over the keeper’s white gloves into the upper right hand corner the ball drops in the back of the net whoosh I stop in my tracks the perfection of my body and the ball and the damp air my hair wet on my neck and forehead Helluva shot Shelly says gives me a high five Thanks I say barely move I don’t want to break the feeling of perfection in my body Great turn Daniel says from the sidelines Awesome Gail runs up from the back slaps both my hands down low you got balls to chest trap that Thanks I say I don’t want to come down

ReadyTanya slaps my back For sure I say Great practice she scruffs her short black hair with a towel I pull mine back wrap a rubber band around it thick as a snake Let’s go I push her shoulder water beads glisten on the back of her neck make little gray spots through her white v neck t-shirt I want to touch her the beads like crystals under my stoned fingers Pub Judy says holding her towel around her chest U of Wisconsin Badgers written in red cursive along the edge of the towel Ask So And So Tanya says she’s the one with the fake ID I say nothing immersed in the water on Tanya’s back Well Judy rubs one foot against the other What I say Are you going to the Pub I glance at Tanya embarrassed as if she knows my thoughts Yeah I say the Pub sounds good to me All right Tanya scuffs across the floor in her navy blue Adidas flip flops Let’s go So And So Uh yeah sure I tuck the loose ends of my hair behind my ear Tanya pushes the door with her forearm leans into it looks back at me turns her eyes into a question mark I say nothing watch the crystal beads dry up along her neck line

What’s your full namethe bouncer squints Janelle Michelle Johnson he flips the license over squints Minneapolis address he studies my face 2354 32nd Avenue South First name Janelle Last name Johnson Middle name Michelle the bouncer studies me then the card between his thumb and forefinger All right he hands the driver’s license to me lets Tanya in right away

Shelly leans against the back wall sucks the froth off of her beer the Pub is a dark paneling lined dive Pool she says I shrug watch Tanya buy a pitcher at the bar hope she’ll hurry I’m coming down off the pot Shelly breaks the white ball spits off the others spins in a corner Shelly is eighteen but acts like she’s twelve How’s your mom she stands next to me holding her pool cue like a sentry I dunno I pull out a pack of cigarettes from my duffel bag the last thing I want to talk about is my mom It’s your turn she says I look at the configuration of balls Rider of the Storm starts up on the jukebox Tanya carries a pitcher and three glasses I want Tanya alone I shoot for the striped seven miss That’s okay So And So Shelly bounces to the other side of the table I hear in my head like it’s coming over an intercom I am very happy having a lovely time ma! and imagine a picture of the Pub with me in it drunk kissing Tanya I’d follow you anywhere Tanya I hear take another drink to get rid of the voices and the pictures that pop into my head hoping those words never escape my mouth hoping no one knows who I really am The bouncer sure gave you a hard time Tanya says breaks the balls fracture across the table settling into fault lines Yes! Shelly yells raises her fist in the air nice break! I line up my shot take it smash it

* * *

Click clickclack clack the class repeats what the white professor says African Storyteller supposedly a hard class but I’m acing it clickety clickety clackety clackety I never repeat after the professor I have enough problems speaking in my own language he runs around the stage hunched over in his baggy assed jeans and blue suede running shoes a gray haired scrawny white man who’s lived in Africa half his adult life he’s a nut which usually I like in people but not him he’s a marathon runner who hates all student athletes because we get out of class to travel on the weekends he thinks it’s easy for us but he doesn’t know how different it is for the women’s teams no lobster steak dinners for us! we eat Subway Chinese at best on the road I’ve eaten Subway sandwiches white bread all the veggies mayo mustard vinegar and oil with a dash of pepper across half the country thanks to UW soccer the sunlight falls into the room through the top windows it’s a big classroom holds one fifty in a marble building the oldest on campus the pillars and doorways chiseled into Grecian columns and archways I would come to class even if I didn’t like learning the stories and culture of southern Africa just to look at the sun glancing off the marble and dashing off the swaying bouncing leaves outside the windows it’s hot in here cluck cluck clank clank

Very good class very good the professor says and wrings his hands and walks to the podium in the middle of the stage he flips through some papers Okay he says open your books to the story of The Girl Who Dragged Her Entrails Through Life Behind Her On The Ground he looks over the top of his glasses while we open our books I am excited I read this one five times this is a story I understand it Okay her father cut open her stomach with an axe ripped out her entrails and flung them down beside her then he left her to die by the river now why did he do this class he pauses class I keep silent even though I know the answer He believed her to be barren a man from the middle of the room says the sun flashes across the ceiling then goes away I look at the tops of the trees through the windows flailing and bouncing like they have something to say something important! a girl child in her seat in some classroom any classroom anywhere the trees bounce say listen to what she has to say! Yes the professor says what else She disobeyed him when he told her to pick yams a man in the back says I turn in my seat look at his thin beard Yes the professor says runs around the room again but what is implied in this story in the information the storyteller gives to the listener but never comes right out and says I am afraid to talk in class I am afraid everyone will laugh stare think I’m crazy weird gross lock me up throw away the key The storyteller uses information both as a means by which he gives information to the listener and he uses it as a smoke screen to hide knowledge a knowledge that may be too much for the listener to hear outright or a knowledge that breaks the rules of that particular society She was a girl and her father preferred sons a woman’s voice floats through the room joins the sunlight dancing off ionic columns and marble leaves the professor does not respond he’s getting agitated he’s spent his whole life studying stories from southern Africa learning the Khosa’s clicking language so he can teach it to white kids in Wisconsin he starts rubbing his jaw Because she was stupid a man yells out four rows in front of me looks at the man to his left they laugh the professor folds his arms across his chest says nothing someone else laughs Patty flashes through my head her dark pony tail skinny legs Yo Adrian I love you! what happened to her! what happened to her! screams through my head more laughter from the back of the room it feels the whole room is laughing in my ears everyone everything the whole world laughing at me while he hurts us laughing who cares mother turns away blames me where is Patty! my father laughing his face over mine while the world watches

She was r***d I nearly scream her father r***d her the guys stop laughing everyone turns looks at me I am freaked out I don’t know what’s happening the professor claps his hands together Yes yes yes this is what the storyteller says without coming right out and saying it the girl who dragged her entrails through life behind her on the ground is a story about the father daughter i****t taboo found in every society which is so taboo that in fact one cannot directly address the taboo itself I think I am going to vomit I feel Patty everywhere she is the marble leaves ceiling columns tremoring green and gold leaves outside I remember the beauty! I remember the beauty of her love! I clutch the writing board over my lap press my palm into the metal bite of the spiral notebook stare at the back of the seat in front of me listen to us breathe listen to us breathe listen to us breathe! the blonde wood pressed into a semicircle to fit the curve of a back a standard back an average back a male back I stare until my feelings are severed ripped out dragging behind me picking up dirt loose pieces of grass stray sticks I stare at the curved wood in front of me until my feelings are dead

Thanksa student from African Storyteller says grasps my hand holds it presses into it I feel the warmth from her body in mine Thanks she says again I say nothing grip her hand shake it don’t know why I’m shaking her hand not sure why she is thanking me the class files out behind us They don’t know anything she says continues to shake my hand her eyes water look into mine I feel nothing stare at her I know what it’s like she walks away skinny legs sticking out of cut off jeans

I standin the hall glass case filled with books written by a professor of geology at the U I hear my breath I know I am alive but my body is marble the class files by someone laughs I assume at me but I can’t worry about it my body is failing I can’t move my legs arms are heavy

Are you all right someone says I swallow have to interact with her I nod Are you sure she says my eyes are on her combat boots no socks hairy legs hairy legs! why does a she someone have hairy legs I feel more confused than a five year old lost at the supermarket What’s your name the woman says I say nothing she says I really liked what you said in class today it took courage I say nothing Can I help you she touches my elbow Janelle I say look up can’t focus on her face hope she doesn’t notice try to send me to the loony bin I am discombobulated what a good word the way it sounds feels a fat red thread pulling through my brain my name is Janelle a good name don’t you think

she says nothing trying to decide if I’m crazy I’m not making sense in my own head my own body my thoughts are slow like a train wreck being pulled back to the station Whoo! Whoo! steam whistle shooting through my head mad dad is angry I told I try to focus on her face I need to get rid of her need to stand here against the cool wall I like cool I like flat it rests my brain I need to stand here until this stops until my body isn’t marble anymore until my thoughts get back to a normal speed I don’t want anyone to see how crazy I am here on the inside where I keep it locked up

You knowshe returns her blond hair and pointy nose if you want someone to talk to you can go to the U’s Counseling Center she says or the Women’s Center she says we’ll help you I nod vomit coming back up my throat please just go away I think My name’s Jessica she says here’s a Women’s Center card she holds out a card All right pointy Jessica says clank clank clank her boots walk away I am alone in the hall the smooth cool wall against my back my eyes close click clack click clack student A.D. 1988 turned to stone on this spot when she thought what she shouldn’t think said what she shouldn’t say did what she shouldn’t do broke a taboo

Key in doorturns she is not home in our home away from home oh how I miss my home! Yeah right I hear in my head I dig up a pipe smoka smoka the fancy black one with gold scrolly lines open windows wide turn on TV smoka smoka a cockroach skitters across the floor me and the cockroaches have an agreement we have trust we have a compact I do not kill them grind their greasy bodies into the kitchen tile they do not steal my food s**t in my grains crawl up my arms neck face at night the way they do to my roommate they know I know we know I have to be stoned to forget everything in my head forget it all! bury it in the hole! talk in funny China Doll Girl voice! be the drunkest most stoned to make people not see how crazy I feel how weird I am how I have conversations with my self age 5 to 20 plus every age in between my head hurts from all the fighting inside it I am a parrot repeating grown up thoughts! Your head doesn’t hurt! Yes it does! No it doesn’t! It’s my head not yours stupid! this w**d burns nicely leaves my lips like moss smoka smoka Oprah blinks swivels in her chair my phone rings Hello yes it’s me yes tonight all right sounds good no of course not a problem surely I’ll be there wear shorts no long pants or jackets with pockets click smoke another bowl so what d**g testing tonight picked from random my a*s Gary watermelon head coach picked me he hates me I hate him end of story end of f*****g story!

Hello grammaI say

Hello my girl how’s school she says

Good I say

How’s the team

Good I say but my voice breaks I want to cry like a kid

Are you okay gramma says

I’m okay I say

It’s good to hear your voice gramma says

It’s good to hear your voice I say

Am I still the cream in your coffee I say

You will always be the cream in my coffee one and only granddaughter

You are the cream in my coffee gramma I say sucking up the sea

The field houseis across from the Regent built out of gray stone A. D. 1872 carved across the top some committee wants to tear this down build a modern facility we train in here in the winter two and a half hours of scrimmage capped off by ten timed sprints up the stairs so steep at the top that we have to jump just to get from one step to another I pull on the mile high set of doors slip into the cool dark air

the rafters five stories up give the air a bite on the tip of my tongue thanks to windows sealed shut sixty years ago must and accumulated stink from thousands of dusty shoe prints stomping on the floorboards Go Badgers go! generations of people with lives that no one will ever know about dreams lost here torn pieces of paper floating end over end from the upper deck why would someone want to tear this down

Whish whish whish the headboard did it

I imagine my father stashing my girl body in the rafters So And So! So And So! I hear Kelly’s high pitched scream her wide flaring nostrils menthol light in one hand imagine Patty and me running down court 14,000 fans yelling our names in an article in the Cardinal the next day Patty and So And So Break Big Ten Record In Assists and Scoring in Win Over Big Ten Rival Michigan that way if we die if we disappear we’ll be in the archives in the library someone fifty years from now will run across us save us from mad dad’s annihilation save us! I run my hand along the red smooth countertop pick up a UWI Men’s Basketball Can’t Be Beat plastic cup I want to be somewhere else in another world another time a better place than my mind where my dad still hunts me So And So! So And So! the crowd chants my hand fits around the cup smooth and round my life is a zero

So And Sosomeone says from far away through the dark dusty air I come back to this time and place Hey Tanya I leave the people and their dreams and their heartaches behind What are you doing she spikes her hair Nothing I raise the cup as if I walked that way to pick it up you here for the d**g testing s**t she says low walks toward me grabs my arm My dad will kill me if I test positive her dad is a lawyer she doesn’t even need the scholarship my dad is a roofer part time garage mover he won’t care if I lose my scholarship college is worthless soccer is a sissy European sport when I got kicked off the basketball team he stopped going to my soccer games even when we won state my senior year I scored the winning goal So And So! Coach Chuck said get your a*s out there and score and so I did and so I did

I could have played basketball here could have been a star me and Patty I take a breath hold it get the feelings under control stop them dead in their tracks I don’t care about anything rough tough dyke fag freak I drop the cup on the floor stalk toward the bathroom Rambo style

Kickme off the team then I say I don’t care You get a probationary period Gary says arms crossed he’s saying what he has to say You set this up I lean across the desk with the picture of his two children even uglier than he is I wish Tim had never left I say he was a good coach he didn’t care if we partied Gary unfolds his arms picks up a pencil taps it on his desk I suppose that’s why he’s gone I hate him Do you suppose that’s why the girls who play are the ones who go to church with you Gary’s eyes open a little more It was the poppy seed muffin I ate at Perkins I say I don’t do drugs I lie I am not stupid I won’t admit guilt go to jail or rehab or something Nevertheless he sits up in his chair the probationary period extends into next season he bounces a pencil on his desk Who was the second leading scorer the last two seasons first in assists he nods So one would wonder why you picked me for the d**g test I know there is a hole he can exploit in my accusation but I don’t know if he’s smart enough to catch it I don’t care he’s a liar do it the right way Christian freak You’re a liar I say now I’m all over the place but I can’t stop he is a hypocrite who wants to get rid of me and Tanya because we’re not Christian a*s kissers who follow him to church

I stomp out the door ten feet high an old fashioned window at the top tilted to let the air escape Now you’ve got the scholarship you wanted I say now you can go recruit some passive Christian girl to play for you I slap the woodwork with my bare hand he’s trying to put me up in the rafters take my dreams from me I won’t let him I’ll yank them down first