Blood on the Katana Sword

Chapter 4

Dad just called. I’ve never felt more OUTED as a closeted trans person in my life — by my very own family member and customs above it all!!! Dad is my only parent left alive. I would do ANYTHING to protect him and keep him alive. BUT, it sounds like he made a few too many enemies as a lawyer back in Japan, and now their after my family heirloom: a Katana Sword. He called to tell me that I’m the one who has to take care of it after he sends it over the Pacific Ocean, and to keep it safe until my cousin Jeremiah Watanaga, the only male heir left to it, inherits it.

I asked dad why can’t I inherit it straight away since I’m the one who has to watch over it, and Mr. Elliot Traditional-and-Chauvinistic Watanaga (what a shame to the family name, if I can say so myself!) said he rather have a MALE heir to the sword, as tradition had it (History and Tradition in general is pretty misogynic and sexist if you ask me!!!). #UGH. Then well, I decided to try my luck with a trick question with dad. I sort of asked him what if I became a man. What will he think of me? If I had changed from Female to Male, if I were to be a FtM, AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth— learned this term from Tumblr). Dad just jokingly replied that he rather I stay the way I am because I look like my mother and he doesn’t want her to “change” cause he’ll lose her again.

As much as I miss my mother, I. AM. NOT. HER FOR GODDAMN’S SAKE!!! I may LOOK like her but I am NOT her and SHE IS NOT ME!!!!! I hate to say this about my last parent standing but I feel that in my dad’s eyes, his eldest daughter exists only to please him and to fulfill a temporary purpose. She is like an object, like a piece of sandpaper, that is discarded once people are done with it. Something without its own thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, and for God’s sake its OWN IDENTITY. I feel so goddamn USED (if not OBJECTIFIED. Too strong a word) by my own father. I have to take care of a sword but I can’t even inherit it. f**k. I know my dad loves me and trusts me enough to assign this task to me. Wait, does he really trust me or is he just DESPERATE and out of options on who he could turn to???

I DID tell him he could just give the sword directly to Jeremiah and let it become his problem instead of using me. Then dad can officially name him the official heir or something once everything with those bad guys in Japan settles down. Dad said no because those baddies after the sword might already know who he plans to pass it on to (damn, dad. We can’t trust you with family secrets, can we?), and it might be unsafe for Jeremiah if they come to America to take it from him. Dad said they’ll never suspect a non-heir, aka a FEMALE, to guard the sword. So I should be safe with it for the time being. I am to expect its delivery to my doorstep next month.

Being AFAB might give me “protection” from strangers from the other half of the planet who are after this oh-so-precious inanimate object that I’ve never set eyes on before. But you know what? If dad could just let ME have the damn thing, it’ll be mine and then I’ll have the right todo whatever the hell I want with it. I could even sell it LEGALLY on sites like sss or ebay or something for a freakin’ POTENTIAL FORTUNE!!! If it’s THAT precious, yeah…… Lord knows how much I need the money. I’ve got bills to pay off, new band equipment to buy, a s****l reassignment surgery to go through (file that under medium-long-term goals), and a generous, personal contribution to make to the marginalized LGBTQA+ support community, the kind mommy used to work for! But no. I can’t do all that. I can’t even earn a single buck from the inheritance. All because I’m AFAB.

I never wanted to shake, no, SHRED OFF my feminine body, name and appearance more than ever in my life now. #UGH.

I’m kinda glad we have Obama as President. I’m glad he made laws like gay marriage legal and no bathroom bills to keep me out of having to take a s**t/piss. Many Conservatives and Right-Wingers oppose his policies but who cares about those people, we are moving on as better people for a better nation. It’s a shame he’ll have to resign next year. I’ll certainly miss his signature humour and all the things he did for minority groups and for me. Yes, he did.

On the outside, I look girly enough to enter female bathrooms without any problems. But when I slowly adapt a more boyish look in the future will the drama start? That’s the last thing I need in a public space. SIGH…………

I just can’t win, can I? f**k this s**t.

E.