Blood on the Katana Sword

Chapter 5

Just read on the internet and learned that many classic rock stars (whom I shall not name to protect their privacy and “preserve” their name) were not as “good guy” or “gentlemanly” or even “role model material” as they seem. Ironic. A diary is supposed to contain your most private thought and are for YOUR eyes only, but here I am NOT putting in some private stuff in it for people who have ALL eyes on them. These rock stars have either sexually assaulted or r***d at least one person before, legal AND/OR underaged.

It was a time for “baby groupies” (groups of teenaged ILLEGAL prostitutes), orgies and extramarital affairs a few decades back. I read online some article about one ex-teen groupie who had s*x with ADULT Rock stars from at least three different bands. She said she never felt like a victim or “exploited” by them. They were super-gentle to her, gave her flowers, bought her gifts and took her out on dates and everything. She even dropped out of high school because she couldn’t concentrate. She said she was so in love with one of them and called him “the greatest love of my life”. She said she would never regret the lifestyle she lived back in the 70s & 80s, BUT she also said she wouldn’t want it to happen to anyone’s daughter today. I know better than to believe stuff from a gossip site, but r**e allegations & accusations EXISTS for a reason. A MOSTLY TRUE reason.

It sucks badly enough, and H.U.R.T.S. too, to find out that the role models I’ve been looking up to all my life — the VERY SAME ones who inspired you to form your own band, discover your sound, and individually come to terms with, accept, and EMBRACE who you are on the inside or at least TRY to — have the compatibility to do such horrible, god-awful things like sleeping with underaged girls. Or (I dunno what’s worse) two-timing people and causing them to commit suicide over you when they found out. s*x, drugs & Rock n’ Roll may come in a single lifestyle “package” for most of these stars and icons, but by today’s more feministic and socially aware standards, r**e IS r**e. No questions. Absolute. Illegal. Unethical. Period (NOT a joke).

One of my favourite musically-flexible artist was a statutory r****t who slept with underaged girls (more than one at a time, that crazy Orgy-man) and got away with it. Charges by the legal-aged women he r***d were pressed but he was never convicted due to the lack of evidence. He got away with that, too.

Even a person as intelligent and well-read (yes, he loved to read!) didn’t have the brains to know what he was doing was wrong. Or maybe he had them but he never used it to consider how his actions would affect others.

The older generation keeps saying that fidelity and loyalty are becoming less of a thing anymore in today’s youth and in modern relationships. But maybe they should take a look at themselves or at least at the idols and the influential pop icons and figures of their time and realise that their generation ain’t perfect either.

The older gen are NEVER really gonna give us break on ANYTHING we do including breathing, are they? #UGH

If I, Matt, Jeanne, and Scotty (and Daisy) make it big one day, I hope we NEVER repeat the mistakes of those before us. I wouldn’t personally go as far as to be openly promiscuous or orgy-loving, effing more than one person at a time even after marriage and such (think of how sexually risqué (read: RISKY) it was those days. Yeesh!), but I as a decent adult-person will always have my partner’s CONSENT before I do anything with them. And I’ll NEVER f**k an underaged person by state or county laws (do the same kind of laws apply in Japan? They better do).

Open relationships and polyamorous couples (people who date more than one person at the same time, openly) may be becoming more common and (for some reason) acceptable these days in some places, but I don’t wanna hurt or betray anyone’s trust they worked so hard to put in me (believe me, I’ve been in there shoes, in vain). Neither do I want my career and reputation as well as my band’s to be in jeopardy or potentially land my ass in jail (and as a male inmate, I might get r***d there myself, too. Talk about Karma comin’ round. Yikes). No. Way.

It’s gonna take a while for me to come to terms with what I just learned online…… Does that mean the next time I begin to idolize or look up to someone I have to do a background check for any criminal records or anything shady they’ve done to avoid getting disappointed prevent my disappointment from getting bigger? That’s ridiculous.

Cognitive dissonance. The psychological phenomenon where everything you THOUGHT you knew about something is under attack. Worst case scenario, it gives you the “my whole life has been a lie!” kind of #UGH feeling. I never saw it past something to memorise for the exams before. But now, here I am, relating to it. And it SUCKS. Big time. E.

I wonder how bad, no TERRIBLE, would it be for LGBTQA+ fans of Rock n Roll & Metal like me to be a fan of and be headbanging to their favourite bands/artists for so long only to discover their idol(s) is/are (a) RAGING HOMOPHOBE(S) and openly condemn, do not support or disagree with the LGBTQA+ community.

I really don’t want to think about that. E.

Alright, alright. Enough of all that ranting. So my band and I performed at another gig today at some club and, lo and behold, my distant and also very very very very (ok maybe a bit too much) rich cousin JEREMIAH was there. He couldn’t stop staring at us (or was he, rather, staring us DOWN? His gaze was kinda intimidating) while we rocked out and I swear to God he almost gave us a STANDING OVATION when we finished.

And what he did next was the bacon that will save us all. He actually offered us a GENEROUS HEFTY AMOUNT of a MONTHLY salary to perform twice a week (any day long as it’s one weekday and one weekend) at a club he owns not far from NYC. The place is called The Three Geishas — Jerry and two other partners own the place — and it’s a trendy, modern-traditional-oriental Japanese kind of place. Staying close to our roots, I guess. Good on ya, Jerry. I sort of mentioned the sword to him extra-casually in our conversation and he agrees with me that YES, HOW UNFAIR OF DAD to make me take care of it without letting me HAVE it. You get me, man, Jer. But thanks to your business contract, Jer says that Red Blossoms and I wouldn’t need that sword anymore, and I believe him, what a lucrative job! Jerry will also include some extra tips and incentives for me as a what to say thanks for looking after IT for him until it’s safe for him to claim it.

Red Blossoms has just landed a contract with an ultra-rich New Yorkin’ relative of its frontperson who will help them pave their way to an ACTUAL musical contract someday. What. LUCK.

E.

I just finished writing a new song, “No Replica Please!”, about being who you are and NO ONE can replicate who I am or my personality and style. My favourite line:

“What may Rock with Me may never Roll with You! Whoooooo!”

Individuality and being unique, basically. I love it. So far my best since The Light of Shadow. It starts off with a catchy low-key, rumbling kinda bassline that I dreamt up JUST THIS MORNING (thanks, brain) and when the drums kick in it’ll REALLY blow ‘em away! Love it! I recorded my voice singing it onto this Audio app and sent it to my band. Jeanne said she loved the lyrics and can’t wait to drum out to it and Matt said he has a catchy bassline for that song (which makes him think of a Racing Car theme song/BG music for some reason) and Scotty said he loved how my voice sounded on the recorder. (URGH!!!)

I think you need to clean your ears, Scotty. No offense. Hahaha!

E.

We’ve earned enough cash for me to go through my first step in Transitioning: Hormonal Injections. I’ve been doing some research on and offline and the cheapest (and safest and most credible) chemical procedure I can get in NY (within the same state so I don’t have to spend more on travel and transport and gas) is a few counties away from home. Think I can make it if I set some cash aside for a bus ride or two. My band and I won’t be rehearsing or writing any time this week so I’ve got some time. But can I make it back within a week?

Never mind. The REAL problem is, the amount we’ve earned? It’s JUST ENOUGH to cover the medical expenses, not including transport. If I use it all up they’re bound to notice. “Where has it all gone?” “Who took it?” “Who stole it?” Fingers will start pointing and I don’t want to be revealedemembered as the Untrustworthy Closeted Trans Dude That Can’t Be Trusted With Money. NOT. GOOD. on my resume, especially for any Treasurer/Finance position. I can’t just tell them I plan to change my gender with 100% of our blood, sweat and tears. I just can’t.

Dilemmas, dilemmas……

(Money + Trust + Friendship + Music + Talent)

VS.

(My Identity + 1 step closer to a More “Right” Body - Gender Dysphoria)

Which shall I choose??????

Some days, sometimes weeks or MONTHS or ENTIRE SEASONS I just DON’T want to think about my gender and s*x and everything between AT ALL. Right now is one of such times. Sigh……

E.

I’ve decided and I’ve settled it. I’m going for that injection this Thursday. I’ve had enough Gender Dysphoria to last me a COUPLE of LifetimeS. I wanna see how this is gonna feel like. Liberating, I hope. I’ve read some articles that transitioning people shouldn’t expect instant miracles or get their hopes up too high because just like any kind of chemicals or medicine or hormones, different people and different bodies react differently towards the same substance. Different results, different rates of changes with time, all that jazz. And some people may need a larger dose than others each round. Dunno, man. I hope nothing too painful or agonizing happens to me, but I won’t know if I don’t go and try and find out. Then after that, I won’t mind performing till my last heartbeat to earn back the cash I used up on myself. It didn’t take too long anyway, I can do that, no problem. But the hardest part now is figuring out how to TELL them.

Going for this procedure is technically FORCING myself to come out to them when I’m not ready yet. URGH! “Trans people can’t be trusted with money”. Is that what I want society to believe about us? No, obviously. NOT TRUE AT ALL.

But it’s not like I had a choice to be born female and NOT receive her family heritage and SELL it off for cash so she/he doesn’t have to use his/her band’s money in the first place!!!!!

Yeah. THAT, folks, is the truth about THIS SPECIFIC INDIVIDUAL Transgender. I don’t know about the rest.

I may be (potentially called) a squanderer, but at least I ain’t no r****t/s****l harasser like the many Rock Stars of the past. Whew. That’s WAY worse than spending money we can get back.

E.