Blood on the Katana Sword

Chapter 6

They found out. They’ve busted me. They’ve figured out what I did with the money we collected. The money meant for us. They know it’s me now. I t(h)rashed them the most horrible way possible. I suck as a human being.

I’m no good and useless and such a bum-head. I’m an extra weightload and a waste of space to them. Why the hell did I even FORM this band in the first damn place anyway!?!?!?! WTH got into my screwed-up head that I, identity-crisis-laden, f****d-up selfish screamo-Emo E.W. would become famous & successful from RED BLOsoms?!?!?! WTH WERE YOU THINKING WATANAGA? What kind of band leader am I if I only know how to spend hard-earned s**t for my OWN s**t without thinking of us as a TEAM??? That’s like being privileged enough to be given a genie that’ll grant you 3 wishes to start up your own band and have a good life. But instead of using those wishes to get viewers, gigs, a recording contract or anything, because like baby steps yknow but instead you wish straightaway for a new car, new house, new BF/GF or to get new hormones into your body without telling anyone.

Maybe I don’t deserve to change my gender. I don’t deserve to be(come) myself since it only hurts everyone else. Am I selfish to want to change my s*x? Are transgenders selfish to want to change their sexes? Maybe. I mean, think of the MONEY needed for this and that, man! Think of the MONEY people can’t afford to give them or they themselves can’t afford to earn for that s**t. Think of the M-O-N-E-Y THE WORLD CAN AFFORD TO SPEND ON TRIVIAL STUFF BUT WOULDN’T OFFER A SINGLE CENT TO THOSE IN NEED OF IT. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE OF SELFISH, SELF-CENTERED, SELF-ABSORBED PEOPLE LIKE ME!!!!!!! I don’t deserve to live at all. I don’t deserve any friends. I’m too f*****g stuck-my-head-up-my-ass-too-far to deserve to have anyone care about me.

I can forget all about it and become a nobody right now. I have new hormones, a new style, and have more or less settled on a new name already. Can I just run away from this goddamned shallow “land of the free (BULLSHIT)” where people are NOT free to be themselves and go be TRULY free somewhere else???? I’ll just settle somewhere else and never. Ever. Look back. Ever.

Never again.

If I had 3 wishes from a genie right now, I would:

Wish myself back as a female and get back all the $$$ I squandered. I may not be “me” anymore, but at least I won’t ever be a shitty band person and break my mates’ trusts in the first place.

Have enough $$$ at hand to pay off all my bills, bank loans, fees, debts, and everything that needs to be fed green paper. Why can’t I be born into a rich family that places little emphasis on tradition and s**t??? Oh, wait, maybe ‘cause I’ll just become more self-centered, bratty and entitled. Yikes.

Wish for Matt to come back to me. As a band mate, and best friend. He’s the best bassist I know. No $, no new WORKING equipment, no more Matt. SIGH.

CURSE HOW THIS INFERNO WORLD WORKS!!! THERES NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT GOING TO HELL BECAUSE WE ARE ALL ALREADY IN IT!!!

If just ONE. More. GODDAMN person tells me money doesn’t make the world go round or money can’t buy happiness and BULLSHIT like that, I’m going to SLIT HIS THROAT OPEN WITH A KITCHEN KNIFE (the only everyday weapon I can afford).

MONEY. IS. EVERYTHING.

EVERYTHING!!!

It is EVERYTHING for a semi-closeted transgender man living on a measly part-time graphic designer’s salary who wants to start his own band but hardly has the fees to buy some decent music gear let alone undergo transconstructive surgery.

Please. Just DON’T pick me to represent the Trans community or anything. I can’t even represent my band properly. I’d be the SCUMIEST of the SCUM of any bloody community. It’s suicide for them if you pick me. Maybe I should just commit suicide instead. Oh no, don’t let me start on that.

MONEY IS EVERYTHING. Sorry, Jessie J. But screw you ‘cause I never liked your music anyway.

E.

I just called dad. I told him everything. EVERYTHING. I’m now his son. No longer his daughter. A son with GRAVE financial issues that will dig up his own grave eventually if help is not given soon.

Dad wasn’t pleased (naturally) to hear that I’m now a guy. Well, a girl with GUY hormones flowing through her(his) body anyway. He didn’t threaten to disown (worst case scenario) or punish me or anything, but still, he didn’t say much else. He didn’t need to say much for me to hear in his tone and breathing that he doesn’t like it. He just told me to talk to Grandma, about the sword and everything else. But I’m not sure how that will go with her either.

Now that I’m a guy (or getting there), I should be able to inherit the goddamn sword as TRADITION would have it, right? Isn’t that what YOU want, pa? A MALE heir to the Watanaga Katana Sword???

Wrong. Apparently dad AIN’T happy with me not looking like or even sounding like my mother anymore and all that jazz. I get that he misses her dearly. So do I, honestly. All of us do. But a kind reminder, folks: I AM NOT MY MOTHER. And that’s something dad just has to deal with. *insert deal-with-it meme here*

When is he going to let go of my mum JUST ENOUGH to let his children live their lives and be who they want to be?

Granny is my last hope. If no one else can accept me for me, at least she can give me tips on how to fly to another country and start a new life there (and bring my whole band and Daisy with me, too, if possible). After all, she’s the traveller-s***h-thrillseeker in our family, right? All that travel experience and memories and everything…… The rest are gonna miss me when I’m gone but I’ll tell them I’ll be happier in a nation and society that respects who I am without caring WTF I was born as, what’s in my pants or what kind of hormones are flowing through my bloodstream (it’s ready to boil and BLOW OVER if the next person asks such stupid annoying questions again. URGH!!!). I could really use your worldly wisdom and humour for my plight(s) right now, Granny.

E.