Blood on the Katana Sword

Chapter 7

Who would I be without you, sis? What would I do without you? I agree. Every big brother needs a little sister. My family/home life would be s**t rotten without you in it. I may be a selfish friend and band leader, but I’ll be the best possible brother I can be to you. I’ll play with you and help pick your clothes and do your hair and makeup when you want (being AFAB I was naturally conditioned to know these things), I’ll accompany you to outings with your friends and go wherever you want to take me. I’ll be there for you when you’re crying and alone and I promise I will NEVER leave you cold or lonely. If you have a problem about anything, you can come to me and I’ll try my best to help you.

I hope I don’t sound selfish (once again, but I’m not surprised if I do) saying this. I wanna be a good big brother to you FOR you, not just for me. Not just to feel better about myself. If at least ONE person in the world could say I’m not a selfish person, it would be you, Marissa Watanaga.

You will, right?

E.

P.S.: The package for the sword arrived from dad, and I have to send it to Jerry once he finishes all his rich-CEO-kind of business in NY. Sigh.

The Coming-Out Checklist:

Daisy - not yet. Will she still like me as she did before?

Scotty - “Ah’m ok wi’ it, mate. Long as ah caen ‘membuh ya new foirst name Ehric, eh?” Lol, Scotty. I can’t get enough of your accent. We’ll see. Sooooooooo, does that mean we caen takabout lassies together now?

Matt - One word, nope.

Jeanne - As a trans girl herself, she knows what I’m going through. So naturally, yes. She’s with me in this one. I’m not alone in this one. ❤️❤️❤️

Marissa - THE BEST SISTER THE WHOLE FRICKIN’ WORLD!!!! And now my new reason to carry on with life.

Dad - I think he’s a bit too hung up over mom to see me with clear, dry, unbiased eyes……

Grandma - (Wish me luck on this one, diary)

Mom - what would you say, mom? What would you feel about your first-born daughter becoming a man who’s not sure if it’s the right decision? Would you still give him the love you’ve always given him because he still needs it? I miss you, mom. ❤️

E.

Marissa just gave me two boxes of mum’s old jewellery stuffs — one big and one small. She says it’s mum’s old “heirlooms” and left-behinds meant for the two of us. I have no use for them. Marissa didn’t find much interest in them either, because they’re just “not her style”. But still, they’re my mum’s. OUR mum’s. Some of the last few things she left behind. Other than my sister and myself, and her advocating for LGBTQA+ youth well-being. I haven’t the heart to chuck them out. Sigh. Let me just rummage through them and see if there’s anything salvageable, then put them all back in and tuck the boxes somewhere safe.

At least my mum can leave me with something, as useless (and gender non-conforming) as they may be. AT LEAST s*x or gender don’t matter to her, unlike my dad places such high priority on this whole “traditional male heir” thing. Ugh.

Mostly plastic, glass, brass metals and bits and bobs of various (semi-faded) colours…… and lots and LOTS of fake gems and diamonds. Wow. Mum sure has quite the taste, I must say.

Exquisite.

Even a non-jewellery-doning person like me has got to admire such a varied and colourful collection. Wow. How can Marissa simply NOT find something that matches her taste in all of this???

Okay. I’ve dug through some of the stuff and found just a couple of things I might wear: a silver metal chain that looks sooooo Heavy Metal as both a necklace and bracelet. Damn. Gonna rock this at my next gig/practice.

I found some loose pieces of strings (more like tangled up pieces of threads with loose ends, actually) and somehow, after an hour of struggling or so (how did time fly by so fast???), managed to work my way into a bracelet. I took little pieces of charms, decorations and other stuff that probably used to belong to other jewelleries and stuff and attached them to the strings. The end result is not very metal or even hard rock. Not even close. Not one bit, nope. But for 60 minutes’ worth of nail-scratching and finger-skin-poking (ouch! Them metal/brass rings are sharp!), and with minimum experience in jewellery making and design, I’m proud of it. Whatever I made, in mom’s memory, I’ll wear it (discreetly. Like under a sleeve or jacket or something when I’m performing. Or even attached to my belt or in my pocket. Whatever).

I also found an old brown chain that stretches all the way down to my crotch area (awkward!). Wearing any charm or pendant down there would just draw attention to the front of my pants (AWKWARD!!!). There’s a leaf thingy from the first box. I hooked it onto the chain but hell no am I gonna wear something THAT long. Until I fooled around with it a little bit and took half the chain, twisted it behind my neck, and put it over my head again and now I have a double-layered necklace kind of thing which is half its original length now. Wow. I must say, I can be pretty ingenious and creative myself — in places I thought I NEVER will be in, not just in music. Damn. Old pieces of jewellery. Who ever thought they would take you on a little journey of self-discovery (LOL)?

Still, brass/brown is not very hard-rockin’ to me. More like vintagey if you ask me. I’ll let Marissa wear this. She’s not much of a handy(wo)man or a creative decorator (too lazy to take the time figure things out and the way things work for herself, that one) but after seeing what her somewhat bro-ish sister could do I’m sure she’ll like it. Yup, vintagey is more of her style. I noticed.

I’ll fool around with the stuff in the second box some other day but till then thanks, mom. Thanks for giving me something that supports my image even though I had to piece them together a little bit first. If only dad were as open-minded as you and able to work things out to adapt to a current situation. Sigh…… I’m not sure whether I inherited my creative and innovative talents (and my patience for little things like this somehow plus REALLY tough nails and LITERAL thick finger skins) from you or dad but I’m willing to bet it’s you. But like did you disassemble your own jewellery parts just so you could watch me put them back together again my own way when you’re gone? Hahaha. Just wondering, mom. Do you like my work? Are you watching me right now? I miss you something bad, really.

Really, I do.

E.

Yes yes yes yes!!!! I found something that TOTALLY screams E. Watanaga and RED BLOSSOMS in the second box: it’s an old CHERRY BLOSSOM pendant and an old black wire-like string with a little thing that looks like a guitar pick at the end near the hook. Putting two and two together and I even painted the murky, cloudy side of the pendant a bright red colour because well, RED Blossoms, with some acrylic paint and gave it a bright, fresh coat of colour and backdrop for the front part of the pendant. Now the details on the front REALLY pop. Talk about hitting two birds with one stone. This new semi-handmade necklace now reflects my band name AND looks good as new with those few coats of paint.

I wonder if THIS is THE key piece of accessory mom wanted me to find in her collection. Did she reserve it just for me, or is it just a lucky coincidence? I would be SO touch if it was the former, so that’s what I’ll roll with. Thanks (again), mom. Love you to the Universe and back.

Love You to the Universe and Back. Sounds like a good rock song, no? A tribute to mom. Maybe? Maybe. A bit sentimental, the title. But that’s how it is. Will it make a good Red Blossoms song? I’ll talk to my band the next time.

Jewellery is honestly more gender-flexible than traditional Japanese Katana swords. With jewellery and accessories you can disconnect different parts from different pieces and reconstruct them again in any way or style with ANY kind of materials and make something totally new, totally YOU. Something unconfined by social constructs and boundaries (and boxes — pun not intended, mom) like gender roles and gender-based fashion. Totally free. Take it apart and put them together again for ANYONE and ANY gender. But with swords? No. There’s a goddamned gender PRE-REQUISITE there for anyone who wants to own or rock it. And you can’t take one apart and replace or reconnect them to other parts either. If it’s a sword make to look that way, it looks that way. End of story. A sword may be more traditionally “masculine”, but I, a semi-closeted transgendered guy, prefer the flexibility and the creativity one can flaunt and experiment with with jewellery. No rules, just freedom and experimenting. Trial and error.

Hey, maybe I can make a living and earn the cash I need for REASONS from jewellery-making. Problem is, unlike a sword, it’ll take an entire lifetime, and I haven’t got a lifetime. Part time job? Meh. I’ve got my hands full with apartment bills and gigs. A new business and venue (and more bills and bank loans, UGH) to worry about are the LAST bloody things I need.

Still, comparing jewelleries and swords (and society) sure puts things into some perspective, don’t they? I haven’t worn jewellery in forever. As much as modern-day feminists try to tell us to break free from traditional gender roles and stereotypes (and I don’t see anything wrong with that), I shunned away from all girly things when I just felt less and less like a girl throughout my early life. I wasn’t looking forward to putting feminine-looking things back onto my body but if (stereotypically) “feminine” things can be redesign and have some new life breathed into them to reflect my new identity, I don’t mind wearing them just for the sake of it! Haha!

Making the best of every situation, the Erica Watanaga way!

E.

Whoooo! Found a black musical note pendant and linked a silver chain through it and made my own music note necklace! If this is the definition of treasure-hunting, hand me all them jewellery boxes, me hearties! ARRR!

I’m really starting to enjoy transitioning and coming out if it means I can take traditionally gender-bound things and elements and rules and twist and bend them to make them work for me — to transform them into my own thing. Everyone else can see it. They WILL see it and eventually, hopefully, they’ll like it, too. Or at least just accept it. Not everyone around me is gonna reach there fast (each will go at their own pace), but I’m happy some of them have already begun the journey. Marissa, you rock sis. Jeanne. You would understand all of this. Scotty? Not sure yet. I’ll know in time. Matt? I pray that he’ll eventually start with the first step. I’m not a religious person, but if anyone needs to pray for anyone, it’s me for him. And for dad, too. And grandma. And my whole family, and all my friends and society, and for anyone else who hasn’t known about me yet.

Mum, if you’re with God now, can you tell him to work his “magic” or whatever he does? A bit of spiritual help could be useful when one is just trying to be accepted into society with minimal change of perception towards who one was before all this time.

“Minimal”? Ok. Maybe it’ll be a bit more than minimal. Or a lot more. Dunno. It can get awkward, too, here and there from how people will look at me. I need all the help and support and magic I could get.

E.