Rivers

I was young, too young to even know what I felt. I wore our friendship necklace, every day. Rubbing the charm so much that the color left. When I slept, between the bookcases, you sat beside me. Running your hands through my hair, comforting me like your mother used to comfort you. I wasn’t asleep, Amelia. I learned how to close my eyes gently, to silence my heart. Why could you only love me with my eyes closed?  We were so close, weren’t we, S? So close to being something. So close to being a story. We were on the cusp of greatness; not quite real yet still not a lie. We were so close to kissing that night, but you knew that, didn’t you? It was all your design. The way you wore my favorite perfume, the way you leaned over the dashboard. The way your hand rested on my cheek, and the way your eyes looked through me. You were a terrible person, but what fun you were to dream about.  You’re different from the other girls on this list. I wanted you, but not in lust. I wanted you in silence. I wanted you in the way that you would fill that void in me that a lover never could. I wanted you in the secret way I long for something more, something purposeful. You were everything I was and everything I wasn’t. To this day, when I picture love and when I picture heartbreak, I see you. In the stillness of the night, between the darkness and the light, I can still hear your voice whispering in my ear. Coward.