Chapter 17: Overwhelming Sadness
2106 Words
I'm sick & tired of being hurt all the time. Why me? What did I do to deserve all this? Why? And...why did you toyed with my feelings? I feel so empty, confused, hurt, numb , disoriented, mad , tired , sad... I love you. I want you. And the thought of anyone else having you is like a knife twisting in my dark soul.'
You went down the stairs and discovered Levi still with the young lady. She glares at you before averting her gaze to Levi.
"Lets plan for the wedding! Ohmygod I'm so excited! What kind of dress should I wear? Where should the wedding be? Oh oh-oh!! And when will it be? It'll be great if we get marry as soon as possible." She emphasised on the last four words, making sure its clear & loud enough for you to hear. Levi stayed silent and only watch you from far. You clenched your fist and stared at the ground, despair & enmity filled you. You exited out wanting to get off from their sight.
You went to the stables to get your horse, Winter.You stroke its mane and smiled.
"You're so much better than that stupid Levi. In fact, you're so much better than people. You should be rewarded for not being people. I hate people!"You rant without realising a presence was behind you.
"Ah so you're the one who loves Levi so much eh? What's your name againnn?(Y--?"A voice appeared. You spun around & saw the same lady.
"(F/N) (L/N)." You introduced.
"Fujioka Nel." She mentioned her name and took a step forward. You only stared at her when a hand came towards you at full speed. It all happened too fast, you couldn't dodged in time & that's when her hand came in contact with your left cheek hard. It came down so hard that you fell to the side. The slap left a burning sensation in your left cheek & a stinging pain that screams throughout you.
"Let this be a lesson for you,bitch.Never,, NEVER touch Levi!" She warned. Irritated, you gave her a hard kick on the leg making her fall to the ground. You stood up and brushed off the dust from your clothes.
"It takes a b***h, to know a b***h, to call a b***h a b***h, u bitch." You smiled insincerely and mounts your horse.
"Oh yeah and I do whatever I want. You're not the boss of me." You told her and galloped away heading into town. You could hear her cursing and yelling from behind.
Upon reaching the town, you tethered your horse and stroke its mane before saying goodbye. You wandered around the town before going in to a donut cafe. There weren't alot of customers which makes the place more peaceful & relaxing. You took a sip from your tea and placed it down.
'Tired of getting hurt. I'm so tired. Enough already.. Why do I get hurt every single time. I'm so tired of being tired.'
Taking a sip of tea and the last bite from your donut, you wiped of the crumbs and cracked your knuckles.
'That's it. I'm not gonna be that nice & sweet person I used to be. Tired of being sweet & nice so f**k you once and f**k you twice!'
You got out after paying and was heading to your horse when you caught a glimpse of a lady in the alley staring at you. You made a quick eye contact with her before she walked away. Somewhere in your heart, you could've sworn that you've met her before. Perplexed & curious, you walked through the alley in search for the lady. You stopped on your tracks when you heard a loud thunder sound echoing. You looked up and was greeted by dark grey clouds.
'It's going to rain any sooner. I better get back.'
You mount your horse and snapped its rein. Droplets of rain began to pour slowly and after awhile, it started raining cats & dogs.
You were drenched by the time you came back and it shocked Hanji. Hanji gaped at you in surprise.
"(Y--Y/N). Ohmygod. You're going to get a cold. Come on, get changing!" She pats your shoulder when you brushed it away.
"Don't tell me what to do." You said coldly and jogged upstairs to your room leaving the confuse Hanji. After changing, you laid on your bed thinking about the lady you saw earlier. You turned to your right side,shifting your weight to your elbow when a knock appeared.
"Who is it?" You asked raising your voice.
"Le--"
"No." You replied stoically interjecting his words. You knew it was him but you choosed to ignore when all of a sudden he barged into your room.
"Look, (y/n).. I--"
"Your words mean nothing to me." You told him without any expression. "Now get the f**k out." You strictly ordered but he refused to.
"If you're not going out then I will." You stood up and left the room when Levi grabbed your wrist and pinned you to the wall.
"Please just hear me out!"
"I've heard enough, Levi Ackerman!"
"..... I'm sorry.."
You laughed and looked at him.
"Oh yay my pains are all healed!" You sarcastically said and struggled to escape.
"Why are you acting this wa--"
"BECAUSE OF YOU I'M THIS WAY,LEVI. There's a story behind every person. There's a reason why they're the way they are. They aren't just like that because they want to! ....something in the past created them, and sometimes it's impossible to fix them.." You stared deep in his eyes then looked away. His face then soften.
"So I can't fix it back......?"
You stared at the ground not saying a word.
"Then this is goodbye?"
"..............looks that way...." You whispered. He slowly released your hands and stared at the ground before walking out. You leaned against the wall and slowly slid down to the floor. You pulled your legs to your chest and buried your head in it, crying. Your lips started to shake and tears started pouring. You tried to suck it in not making any noise but it hurts too much to hold it in.
"Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. ...you know,, a good, long session of crying can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do." A familiar voice appeared.
You looked up and saw Mikasa standing by the door. She walked towards you and crouched down beside you.
"M-Mikasa."
"Cry all you want. Cry as hard as you want . Release all the pain you've been holding. Keeping to yourself only makes you hurt even more..."
You couldn't contain yourself and let the tears spilled down your cheeks profusely. You cried your heart out until your throat hurts. You started gasping for breath as you could feel yourself choking on your tears.
Mikasa's face softened as you leaned your head against her shoulder. You began pounding your heart and continued crying your eyeballs out.
"(Y/n)... You still love Levi, dont you?" Mikasa asked as she strokes your hair.
You stopped sobbing when you heard her words. You sniffed trying to hold back your tears.
"Y-hhhyess." You began crying again.
"I see.. Hn.. You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel."
Mikasa faced you and wiped away your tears. She gave you a warm smile before hugging you.
"Alright alright. you look pretty even when you're crying, BUT you look prettier when you're smiling. Dakara,, cheer up!" She comforted you before getting up. She held out her hand and pulled you up.
"Thank you, Mikasa." You thanked her.
"Your most welcome."
>>Next Morning>>
The sunlight stabbed your eyes causing you to wake up. Just as soon as you wake up, your chest felt heavy and its weighing you down. You have no desire to do anything ,you have no motivations. You just want to stay in bed with the blind closed and go back to sleep but you know you couldn't because training was going to start soon. Groaning, you made your way to the shower room.
After showering, you faced yourself in the mirror and noticed those eye bags & dark circles. You're eyes were a little swollen from all that crying.
'f**k everything.'
You went out without tying/braiding your hair like you usually do and headed to the cafeteria to have your breakfast. You sat next to Armin and as soon as you sat down, you banged your head on the table and stayed in that position until Armin spoke up.
"(Y/n)? Are you alright? You don't look too--" you cut his words right away.
"YES! I'm alright!! I'M PERFECTLY FINE." You raised your voice clearly a little so that Levi could hear you.
"You sure?"
You nodded and tore your bread,dunking it into the mushroom soup. Mikasa only stared at you,worried.
After breakfast, you and the others went to the training area but you didn't see Hanji.
'She's probably working on her experiment......'
Two figures caught your attention. You looked at them and realised it was Bertholdt & Reiner.
'Come to think of it, I haven't tell anyone about them... Just what are they planning?'
Your thoughts were interrupted by Erwin.
"Attention! Today, we'll have a representative to come up here & fight with Levi in hand to hand combat."
You could hear people gasping and whispering about how they were so scared.
"Hurry up,brats." Levi snapped.
"If there's no one then I'll pick."Levi said showing that he's annoyed.
You & Levi made a quick eye contact before he announced.
"(F/N) (L/N)." He stated your name. You rolled your eyes in annoyance and stepped out facing Levi. Everyone looked at the both of you.
"Levi's gonna win. He'll definitely win." You heard a voice whispered among the crowd.
"Nooonooo. (Y/N)'s gonna win. She's like the girl version of Levi. So f*****g strong. She defeated almost EVERYONE in hand to hand combat and she even slayed alot of titanss! More than Mikasa!" Another voice appeared.
"I don't know,, they're both equally strong."
You tch-ed before Levi tossed you the wooden dagger at you. You swiftly caught it and got ready in fighting stance. Without warning, Levi sprinted towards you and gave you a hard punch but you moved downwards, dodging the attack. Quickly, you moved your dagger towards his neck when he caught your hand.He twisted your hand letting a yelp escaped from your mouth and carried you in mid-air. He slammed you to the ground landing on your back.
"f**k you!" You cursed and kicked him on the legs making him fall. You stepped on his ribs and was ready to strike when he pulled your legs. Surprised, you fell down and landed on top of him. His body & your's were pressed together & your face was just a few inches away from him.
"OHMYGOD! (Y/N) IS ON TOP OF LEVI!!" Someone gasped.
"ARE THEY TOGETHER?"
"I DONT KNOW! But I heard they were together."
"Were? What do you mean were?"
"Well--" You got up immediately before they could say another word.
"Shut your yap." You scowled when suddenly you heard Nel's voice.
"LEVI~! Ohmygod what happened? Did she hurt you?! Arghhh that bitch." Nel cursed while checking any injuries on him.
"I told you already didn't I? It takes a b***h to know a b***h. Oh, so you're still here? You do know you have to be part of the scout regiment to be here right?" You raised your eyebrows.
"I'm his fiancee. I have the right to be here." She said.
"Besides,, our wedding is just next week." She added.
Her words echoed in your head. Your eyes widened and your lips quivered. You bit your lips to hold back from crying while looking towards the ground.
"Yes." Levi agreed.
You looked up in surprised. You couldn't believe the Levi agreed to that.
"Levi......."
"That's Captain Levi for you." He stoically said.
You bit your lips even harder and this time, you could've sworn you taste blood. You clenched your fist and glared at him.
"And never speak to my fiancee like that ever again. Do you understand cadet (y/n)?" You didnt reply to his question but just looked at him full of hatred.
"I said DO YOU UNDERSTAND ?!" He yelled making the other cadets flinched.
"Yes, Captain Levi." You gritted your teeth.
- Writer
