The Summer Bucket List

Chapter 3

He handed me a towel when we got up on his yacht. I covered it on my upper body as it wasn’t very wide, not enough to cover me completely. I just stared at him, following my sight to his every movement. For an odd reason, it felt like there was a wall barricaded between us. A nonexistent wall emotionally keeping us detached, though he was just there standing in front of me.

“So, you came back.” There’s so much heaviness beneath his words. His eyes burned with uncertain feelings. It’s sad, but frigid. It’s begging, but also pushing me away.

“I am.” I smiled back briefly. There was a long moment of silence, and he was just blankly staring at me as if he was waiting for a longer answer than just two words.

“Why did you come back?” He dropped the bomb. His voice was full of resentment, yet his face remained emotionless.

I thought he'd ask me, how am I? Like most people asked. But rather, why?

“I…i…” I looked like an i***t in front of him. Like a kid who doesn’t know how to answer a single question. I looked intently into his eyes, trying to understand him and get through him. But it’s so deep and dead.

This is the moment I hated the most, when the person I once considered home felt like a complete stranger in front of me. I don’t know how to respond to him anymore. I don’t know who I should be in front of him anymore.

I took a heavy breath. “I’m back for our Summer Bucket List.” He was half surprised, then smirked. “Farah, you’re not a kid anymore to just show up after sixteen years just for a f*****g kid stuff.” After he said that, he gazed hard at me.

“And don’t tell me it’s our summer bucket list because I’m not doing it with you. I’m done with silly games.” His voice dropped, then he followed.“You never should’ve come back. “

Everything that he said stunned me into silence. I just looked straight at his cold eyes with a heavy chest. My hands crumpled on the wet towel that wrapped me. Then he saw it, the diamond ring on my finger. His eyes stayed dead yet colder. And I saw him take a heavy breath as he glanced away.

“If you have nothing to say, just leave.” I stood on the corner, standing still. “Just go!” he shouted.

“I’ll still do it,” I firmly said. “I know it’s been so long, but If I could go back in time, I'd always choose to spend my summer here with you, August.” My voice quavers as I spoke.

There are no words uttered, we just stared at each other for a long moment, yet the unspoken sorrow between us was undeniable. I wanted to cry in front of him and spill all the truth out. I wanted to tell him how sorry I am for breaking our promise, and how many times I tried to go back here. But I don’t even know if I should tell him, when I didn’t even know him anymore. I resisted looking vulnerable and weak in front of him, in front of a now-called stranger.

I have so much to say, but I just shut my mouth and left him.

Somewhat, I already expected that he'd be mad at me, but I never thought he'd hate me this much.

…

I rode my bike towards the place where we hid the summer bucket list, while my hair and clothes were dripping with water. I could still remember everything, as if it just happened yesterday. How August and I spent the whole day making our Summer Bucket List onto a piece of plain paper, coloring it and drawing stuff to make it cuter. How we put it inside the bottle and buried it onto the sand under the old long wooden chair at the beach where we used to sit and hang out. How we made a promise that we'd never touch it unless it’s the next summer and we’re together. But sadly, I’m alone. Sadly, it wasn’t the next summer.

I dug it up, and unexpectedly found it perfectly the same even after so many years had passed.

When I opened it, I became the happiest, like the little girl I once was. Yet in the moment of joy, I remembered August.

If only he was here, this moment would be remarkable. It would be much more.

“Summer Bucket Lists”

1. Spending the day at the beach

2. Eating vanilla ice cream with cheese.

3. Sunrise by the Beach

4. Picnic

5. Pepperoni Pizza Mukbang

6. Photo booth

7. Baked Mac N Cheese Mukbang

8. Amusement park stations and Beef Burgers

9. Board and Card games

10. Afternoon Bicycle Ride

11. Watch a Concert or Festival

12. Bake Chocolate Chip Cookies

13. Rock Painting

14. Matching Seashells Bracelets

15. Movies and Pop Corn

16. Make Sand Castle

17. Stargaze

18. Eat Sushi

19. Have a water fight

20. Bonfire

21. Watch fireworks

22. Roller Coaster Ride

23. Give special presents

24. Best Birthday party

25. Make a wish

I am now at home writing the lists that perfectly suit the day and my schedule. Like spending the day at the beach, making a sand castle and matching bracelets, done in one day. I liked everything planned, and it makes me at ease. Yet no matter how I try to distract my mind, August always finds a way to sneak into it. I was bothered by what happened hours ago. His coldness is filling me. I am mad, sad and lonely.

“Fine, he doesn’t want to do it. I’ll do it by myself,” I muttered out of pride. I am not a teenager anymore to act this way, but right now I did.

My sight goes back and forth onto the list. Then an idea came to me ‘I am not a teenager anymore’, I am not a teenager anymore, but I once thought of doing it. A teenager who explores beneath the limits, living life like it wasn’t a big deal. A teenager who’s not perfect but lives in her own little world. I grabbed my pen and started writing a new list.

26. Wear a bikini

27. Go to a party

28. Get drunk

29. Kiss someone

30. Be a b***h for a day

This is my Teenage Summer Bucket List now. But I remember, I did think of kissing someone when I was in my senior year. How it feels kissing someone, especially those hot popular boys in school. How it feels being a b***h hanging out with the girls on the weekends, getting Maddie Peddie, shopping, dating. Going to a party after school and getting drunk on a Friday night.

I’ve never experienced these things. It’s not because I don’t want to, but because I feel like I don’t have the will to. In my teenage years, I was already introduced to a hard life. Instead of going out and spending my time with my friends, I worked part-time jobs to sustain my school needs.

I just made a pause for that life, but I never thought I'd miss it. I always told myself ‘Someday’ because I always believed everything has it’s time. Someday I can escape this life. Someday I could be a wild and free teenager. But now I regret choosing that choice, because time cannot be paused, and I can’t be a teenager anymore.

I came to realize I missed so much in life. That’s why I’m making it up to myself, to my lost years. And that’s why I end up here, back in my homeland.