Rise, Fallen Angels, Children of God

Chapter 8

        Lucky Eight Lounge in Granada Hills was burned down to the ground due to the forest fire that accidentally hit California last July 18th, 2019. I, Jodie Moon, a famous singer and artist suffered second degree burns from waist down to my thigh. My manager Marcus died protecting me as he suffocated covering my ass from smokes and falling debris. I suffered from the burns and the trauma but most especially, missing my dear manager who gave his life to protect mine and leaving my baby Alex because of my horrible condition. I resigned from my recording company though they didn’t have a choice but to let go someone who looked like a Frankenstein from the Barbie doll I once looked who everybody loved. I had so much money anyway, so I decided to build a production company and changed my name, identity and personality. I went from one business to another and built an empire in a year hooked up in magazines, apparels or clothing lines and make up brands. And these made me very filthy rich. Along with the royalties I still receive from my songs and old album. The videos from my last tour in Asia and Europe are still aired on you tube so I get some on them too. I also recently received awards for Best New Pop Artist of the Season and a Lifetime Achievement Award last August, 2022, since I was declared dead after the incident. It made me cry since I couldn’t accept the award because, yes, I pretended to be dead, right. So my family accepted them for me. Every one cried and commemorated my death by even holding a benefit concert for me. It felt unbelievable, disgusting and I regret the fact that I am still alive yet witnessing a tragic event wasted my life and my career with one quick snap of a finger. I am lying to my family, friends, my Alexa and to the world. I want to scream that, I am here, I am alive and I love all of you! However, I’m dead and will remain dead to my looks and talent (though I can still sing in a lower tone, unlike before with that angelic voice which babies even liked to sleep listening to).

Can a woman get a p***s implant? Yes she can and that’ what I went through. I achieved the successful transformation in one of the most famous hospitals in Los Angeles that helped me to go through surgical phalloplasty (a surgical procedure from female to male). I also had s*x reassignment surgery. Even though it was never my choice to become a trans-woman, due to the burns I incurred I needed to change and be accustomed to being a man. I attended psychotherapy. I know beforehand that I am a bi-s****l but believed to be more attracted to women than men. I was advised by my doctor to begin hormone therapy. I was encouraged to live publicly as a member of the opposite s*x. After a year of being comfortable living as a man, I finally had genital, thigh and breasts surgeries. My doctor advised to take my hormone medication religiously to reduce the effects of ‘dysphoria’ (a delusion transgender people struggle to change but unchangeable or what we call gender or s*x identity crisis). That’s why after taking the said medications, I felt better and in the long run, I accepted the new ‘me’. Like a miracle my body and brain began aligning. I now behave like a man but though I am still feminine inside, I am a full grown man on the outside. I felt very different too. In my experience I need to live in my preferred male gender for a year. I changed my name to Gin Lawrence, since my stage name was Jodie Moon. Though my real name was Jodie, I used my last name Lawrence now for my second identity who I know will be my permanent, me, from now on. I lived, worked, mingled, dated and had s*x with women as what men do in a regular basis. But I never felt anything, only remorse and shame. I needed someone who truly loves me and I know what my heart wants, Alexa. I one time visited my friends and they were so shocked they couldn’t believe I am me, a gorgeous male as a matter of fact. Basil and Sanjay were doubly surprised, nearly fainted when they saw me and my, you know!. I am one of the guys now. It felt so weird and well! I’m still trying to get used to this body. That was nearly two years ago since I moped and cried coping with my struggles within and finally accepted the new, improvised, beautiful, male me. About Verne? Well, when he heard the news I died, I didn’t hear from him again.  He didn’t even try to check on me at the hospital when I was in delirium. I heard he dated and married my P.A. Jessica. He and her had a moment when we were in one of my photo shoots at Hernnan Resort in Boracay. I’m happy for him honestly.

I had many expensive surgeries.  The doctors needed to work on my breasts, uterus and my ovaries were removed in two separate procedures. To run me into a male I needed to undergo ‘Neophallus’ where doctors constructed my organ using a tissue from my fore arm to allow me to feel s****l sensation. They extended my urethra to allow standing urination, like what men usually do. This was the most expensive of all surgeries .To be called as a male transsexual, first I endured sub cutaneous, mastectomy, vaginectomy, scrotoplasty and penile reconstruction, with radial forearm flap. It took a year for my penile (erection) prosthesis and testicular prosthesis surgery can be implanted when sensation has returned to the tip of the p***s. All is working perfectly now. I tried my….for the first time in a secluded bar in New York, but I ended up peeing beside him at the men’s restroom. I was really drunk then. I also tried to get laid in a gay bar but I got frustrated when instead of women, I always ended up with either a lesbian or a bi-s****l who overpowered and threw me all over the room. My God I was really scared to death. But one night, out of my frustration I went to a regular coffee shop just to hang and all. I met Jill, the sexy girl behind the cashier, with bossoms protruding her skimpy and tight uniform. She just gave me a wink after giving me my coffee and her number in a napkin. We made it out in her apartment and walla! I had my first time with a hottie. She did the most part, I didn’t know how to feel but the sensation is hundred times more than when I am a woman. I wonder how this feels if I were with Alexa. Hmm! Okay wait, I’m still with err!!!, Jill, right!. Okay almost there, almost there! , Aahhhhh! Done! She moaned and moaned that I got deaf with shouts of pleasure. Yet I felt empty, hallow than before. I slept beside the girl from the coffee shop and when I woke, I slid back to my clothes, ran to the door and never looked back. But since my desires for Alexa wasn’t met, I desired for her more and became more hungry for s*x than ever. So I had s*x with one girl after another. I was called a player and even artists I produce would cling and flung themselves all over me. So what a gorgeous man like me to do. I give them what they want and fulfill their carnal desires. However, my soul became wearier and sadder as I slept with every girl in town. And I want to stop but I can’t because I’m searching for the ‘one’. My only love to soothe my pains, to ease my longing for her. Alexa! Alexa! Where are you my Alex! So much for dating and banging girls at bars and coffee shops.  

God is so good and the universe answered my prayers because I found Alex or she found me, of all places, in Paris, the city of Love and where all things happen in unexpected or magical ways because of love. It’s been three years since I last saw her and as if it’s just yesterday. I remem-  ber the days when I was with her, kissing, making love to her. Those were the days when I was so happy, content being with her, having her in my life, my forever, my Alex, my baby…

Rrrringgggg! Alex was running toward her cellphone to get  it. Hello!, Oh!, Edmund! Ofcourse…Yes I’m still in Paris, at the Ritz. Well! It’s a first class hotel, I have no complaints, thanks to you! I’m good and you? Wow! Belgium, lovely! Ha! Ha! Whatever you wish to bring mw, I’m okay with that. As long as you come home safe. He! He! Okay! If you’re cold out there I’ll warm you up when you arrive in Paris. Alright! Mwah! Je Taime!, the only thing I could say since I’ve been missing his company for months now.

At Edmund’s suite in the cruise ship. Hi baby! Miss me??? As he was about to put the phone down after talking with Alexa…Hi!!! did you miss me?, a woman teasingly said as she was already standing in front of his bedroom door, wearing no inside garments just a red see-through night gown and high heels, looking intensely at him without a blink. Helena is Edmund’s ex-girlfriend and co-captain on the ship. ‘Stop it Helena, I told you, we’re done. It’s over between us! I love Alexandra and I hope you can accept that, Edmund said angrily and strongly shoved her hands away from him. Oh! Hush! I’m just here to say hi!, the woman added covering herself up with a robe. So, care to give me a drink while sat near Edmund’s side of the bed, Helena teased. No! leave my room Helena, I’m about to sleep anyway, goodnight!, Edmund exhaling while he escorted the lady out with gentleness. Please go now, Edmund added trying to be calm. Sorry Helena, I don’t want to be disrespectful! Good bye!. Helena though hesitating walked out of the door and was about to say something when Edmund shut the door in front of her, as her face froze in disbelief.

Alex was smiling in her sleep. Then she was breathing heavily, hard, and woke up, catching her breath. Oh my God! It’s just a dream!, Alex said in relief. She took her time to sit on her bed then stood to open the door to the terrace overlooking the dark skies, the beautiful moon shining brightly down to her. Tying her robe she walked out and stretched her arms up, breathing in and out. There! I’m relaxed!. Looking at the stars and this moon is so calming. As if they tell me to keep on hoping, not being sad and to fight whatever adversity I am to face every day. I know I can cope and move on. My despair loosing Jodie was unbearable. She was my home, my everything, my life!!!. I miss you so much baby…Alexa quietly saying in her thoughts, as tears fell from her eyes, hugging her self, then putting her arms on her chin resting them on the metal beam. Are you looking down on me my habibi?!, Alexa on a whisper looking up on the moon.

I grew up as a devoted Christian. My parents brought me to believe that God, is the true , living, and forgiving creator of the universe. Some church leaders, regular and media people  who are close-minded, believe  that homosexuality is a sin. And that we are all born to love only the male and female sexes, but try to avoid the issue on gays, lesbians or transgenders. But we also have gender equality and racism, so we are not only avoiding s*x dilemmas but also racial issues in the world. God made Adam and Eve it’s true, but in our world now, we can be born different or unique. There are people now with two sexes and gender orientations are of the female even if they look male and of the male even if they look like a female. God is merciful, forgiving and understanding. It’s true he brought fire to kill the sinful town of Nineveh. Yet there are still people  in the world that lives a saintly life, even though they are homosexuals. We can never judge one of their gender, for there are popular and generous that assist the poor like Ellen de Generous, Oprah Winfrey who never cared giving aid to whites or blacks at the same time. And many more.  We may not understand the ways of the universe but Jesus said, if you say to the mountain, move to the other side, it moves. We are like mustard seeds that are thrown on different paths. We are given the freedom on what to do with our lives and make it the best not only for others but most especially in God’s eyes. So love knows no gender. We are all equal and molded to be beautiful, awesome, perfect just like in the image of God and his likeness. I don’t say that God is gay but angels were created with no gender. So maybe God tried to create us with genders to distinguish who is male and female to live up to their calling, and expected responsibilities. It would be so difficult and confusing if we didn’t know our gender. At least having new biological ideas can lead us to believe that there is more to the normal norm and beliefs than meets the eye.

It’s a beautiful morning. The sun is hitting my eyes and I really don’t want to wake up, not yet. Hmm! I don’t really remember what I dreamt of, but I know it’s still about Jodie, just a glimpse of her and I happy together but as if  we are fading and now I don’t exactly have any idea what’s that about. I got up without hesitation to forget about the dream and head to get a shower, I thought of going  to the hotel resto though but it’s probably best to eat here and have a quick breakfast. So I called reception and ordered to bring me, egg, toasts, coffee with chocolate and milk. 

            While I am about to finish in the shower I heard a knock on the door. I got out of the bathroom and while drying myself with the towel, wore my bath gown and checked it out. When I opened the door I was surprised to see a dozen or more of white roses. Wow! Is what I said to myself and a it excited to know who sent them, thinking they were from Edmund. A little note said:  “I hope you like them! See you in Saturday, Sincerely, Gin. Oh! Gin???. This guy is so sweet. With a small laugh I remembered Jodie when we were young, she loved giving me paper flowers. How insensitive of me not to know her feelings for me.

Edmund is a nice and wonderful guy. But there is still something missing. Love…maybe! I don’t think I love him enough to feel excited when he is around. When we are together I feel secured but there’s no intimacy when we make love. However, with Jodie, it’s different. Everything’s intense, unsure and wild. She is crazy but beautiful crazy and I love her so much, I cry when I miss her. Haay! I don’t know what’s really happening to me, while breathing hard. I want my Jodie back. Babe can you hear me? While my hair’s still wet and in my bathrobe, I said hugging my big magician doll Jodie gave me on my birthday years ago. We won this when we went to Enchanted Kingdom, one of our country’s biggest and most visited amusement park in Laguna.

I miss you! I said with the thought of her loving me, longing for her touch and kisses. Remembering the times we made love in the shower. She makes me complete. God! I miss the caresses, smiles and funny side of her. I was interrupted by my wet daydreams, hehe, by a loud knock on the door. I think that’s my breakfast.

Breakfast was lovely. I better work on my blogs now, It’s been a while and I am not going to be late on my schedule to post them. It’s been two days since I last worked on them (ticking on my laptop, when I accidentally saw Jodie’s old messages, while switching to my comfortable white  ‘sando’ (sleeveless) and black tight shorts. I prefer not wearing bra so I  can breathe freely.

Screen turning on, messages started to appear one by one on her mail. Alexa opened Jodie’s old messages, saying she was sorry and that she loves her. “I love you babe”, I am sorry I wasn’t able to say goodbye, I was jealous of Edmund, I thought he was hitting on you. I know it was just a friendly date, or when you said he just needed someone to lean on since he lost his dad. I just realized it now, that, you truly love me and you didn’t hide it from me. I believe you and I can’t wait to see you when I get back”. Kisses and I miss you!, after reading these, Alexa cried out loud while tears gushed from her eyes, unable to stop them.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the hotel, we can see Gin near the pool area. He decided to swim at the resort’s swimming pool since been a member of the club for years, even when he was still Jodie. While swimming, he thought of bringing Jodie’s birthday present as a surprise. But that would be so awkward and crazy, that out of the blue he knew her birthday, especially the big pony doll as the gift.

I was supposed to give her the doll for her birthday after my California show, but due to the unfortunate accident I wasn’t able to, so I need to think of a good way to give this to her. Hmm!!! Gin was in deep thought, while waiting for other members or visitors to finish using the pool before plunging in. Even though he has tight swimwear covering his chest stitches. He still prefers to be alone when in no mood to socialize, especially on a vacation like this, his time for rest. This is one of those days when Gin wanted to be invisible. Since he is idolized by many, Gin is a well renowned producer. Many artists, moreover, women, adore him. A single, young, handsome, rich bachelor, new artists go gaga over and literally throw themselves, for a one night stand even, just to be with him. Yet Gin avoided the temptations and keep on walking away from them. He means business and it’s strictly business when it comes to him and his artists. He is very professional and he always thinks of his artists more than himself. No wonder he was given “Producer of the Year” award for two consecutive years, another for a Lifetime Achievement though very young and Most Promising Producer of the Next Millenium award,  this year. Celebrities such as Alysa, Perky, Bebe, Light of Venus, Kiki, etc. were made famous by this incredible man. Gin is called the ‘ginny’ of the music industry, that whenever he handles an artists, doors of opportunities open however impossible a record deal is, he always closes it with flying colors. He knows the ins and outs of the industry since as Jodie Moon, he has built a bond and connection with directors, other producers and artists old and new. He remembers mentioning to Alexa that if he is not an artist, he wanted to become a producer someday. Gin always dreamed of becoming a successful producer apart from being a singer.