Tempted Heart (FREE TO READ)

Kabanata 10

KABANATA 10

LIFE is a choice, it was never been a destiny. In the past six years, I’ve been looking for a sanctuary to save my fallen soul. The loss of my mother shattered everything that I have. Mas lalo ko pang sinisi ang sarili ko dahil sa nangyari sa amin ni Achilles. I know I made the wrong decisions but I readied myself for all the consequences.

I hurted him.

He will not forgive me.

Kung ang lahat ng rason ay hindi man kapanipaniwala ng piliin ko ang desisyong ito ay wala na rin akong magagawa. Kung lahat man ay simple ay pinili ko na sanang mamuhay at limutin ang nakaraan. I’ve been fighting for all those years when my mother died. I kept myself locked and hidden to a healing chamber of my own. With my fragile heart, the pain took me away.

Took me away from my happiness..

And to the man I love…

They hate me and I choose that.

The complexity of my own understanding and decision makes me lose all the control that I had for myself. Even if I had to pull up myself, it needs more than that.

“Hayyy. Nandito ka lang pala, hija.” I was back in my own reverie when I heard someone speak at my back.

I shifted my body to her. I then suddenly changed my mode into a light one.

“Hi, Doc..” Bati ko sa kanya.

“Kanina pa kita hinahanap sa mansiyon ninyo. Sabi ni Nanay Anita nandito kalang sa barn house mo.”

I smiled apologetically on her.

“I’m sorry.. Nalibang lang kasi ako kakapanood sa malapit na paglubog nang araw ngayon, Doc.”

Tumingin siya sa langit. “Nahhh. That’s okay.”

She is Doctor Daniela Alvarez, my psychologist. She’s been my doctor since I came here in Surigao. Umuwi ako ng probinsiya ng gabing din iyong. Wala sa isip at gulong gulo, I immediately decided to go here. Halos matakot at gulat akong sinalubong ng tauhan ng hasyenda sa agarang punta ko dito. One of the trusted men of my grandfather, Tito Claudio, was the one who hospitably accommodate me here in the mansion.

I always have a nervous breakdown that’s why I was hospitalized for almost a month after I came here. Nang hindi pa rin nagkaroon ng progreso ang pagpapagamot sa akin dahil sa palagi akong natulala ay nagpatawag na ng psychologist si Tito. He was so worried. Good thing he has a good friend and that’s when I came to know Dr. Daniela.

Tito Claudio was very kind. For those six years that he’s been guiding me, he’s also been a father to me. He’s helping me taking care of the sugar mill and the rice fields. Once I arrived, he immediately turns over verything to mw. Ang pamamahala nito at kung paano ito ipapatakbo.

I breathed heavily as I see the most beautiful sunset I’ve ever seen in my life. I smiled unknowingly.

My life here gives me a second chance and I owed everything to Tito Claudio.

“Hija…”

Natauhan ako sa tawag ni Doktora sa akin.

“Pwede na ba tayong mag-start?” Nakangiti niyang tanong sa akin.

She’s beautiful and I can’t help to remember Mama from her which is dangerous. I don’t wanna hope and that’s one of the lessons I’ve learned from the session I had with her. They simply had the same features.

I tilted my head.

With little steps, I urge myself to walk on the near sofa.

“Dito nalang po tayo.” Saad ko sa kanya at inilahad sa kanya ang harap na sofa.

Tumango siya at umupo. She put her eye glasses on and read something on her note pad.

“So, you got something for me?” She asked suddenly.

I inhaled.

“Okay.. Let me start with this.” I cleared my throat. “As if you were on fire from within, the moon lives in the lining of your skin…” I said.

“A poem?”

“Yup. A poem by Pablo Neruda. It’s about finding beauty in the world.”

Mas lalong lumuwag ang ngiti niya. Inilapag niya ang note pad sa maliit na table na katabi niya bago bumaling sa akin ulit.

Tinuro niya ako. “That’s the kind of uplifting spirit you should be bringing from now on, Bee.”

At first, I wasn’t comfortable for the nickname she had given to me. Hearing it, it makes me a different person. Pero kalaunan ay natanggap at natutunan ko ding mahalin iyon. It simply just denied all my past and she’s letting me start by new beginnings. I know that running from it is not a good solution but what if the road from my past was damaged or ruined?

That’s why I have to make my own again…

A new one…

I nodded at her with a positive perspective.

“You’re a beautiful person, Bee. It’s normal to feel observed and vulnerable in your situation. We might think we look unappealing but life isn’t always perfect. Pero ito ang palagi mong tatandaan, don’t feel pressure in anything especially in your fast recovery because it might affect everything.”

“Got it, Doc..”

Tumagal ang session namin ng isang oras. Noong una ay umaabot siya hanggang tatlong oras pero dahil mukhang may improvement na ngayon ay hindi na pinaabot pa doon.

“So, how’s your lesson in learning bisaya?”

Isa pa iyon.. I had a hard time learning the language in here. Kahit ngayon ay hindi pa ako masiyadong nakakapagsalita niyon. Sabi ni Tito ay okay lang naman daw kong hindi ko na pag-aralan dahil nakakaintindi naman ang mga tauhan namin ng tagalog but I’m so eager. Wala na siyang nagawa doon.

“It went well?” I chuckled after saying that, not so sure.

Napatawa rin siya.

“Pa-sample nga..”

Tumikhim ako. “Maybe not now.. I’m still learning though.”

Nanlalaki ang mata niyang tumingin sa akin.

“What? I just started learning that a week ago. Believe me, it’s not that easy.” I reasoned out defensively.

“Uhuh?” She mocked me.

Natawa siya at umiling iling. Pagkatapos ay tumayo na din siya. Shen then laid out her hands to me.

“Let’s go. Baka hinahanap ka na ng Tito mo.”

Tumayo ako at iniyakap din ang sarili sa kanya.

I smiled teasingly at her. “O baka na miss mo na siya kaagad?”

Sumimangot siya sa sinabi ko.

“Hindi ako tinawagan ng lalaking iyon kagabi. I was mad but then again, I don’t hold his time all day.” Malungkot na saad niya.

“Cheer up, Doc. I know that Tito loves you..” I said seriously at her. “He was so busy last night because something came up in the sugarmill. Nagkaroon ng kaunting sunog. It was a good thing that someone guard it last night, maliit lang ang nasunog.” I explained at her.

Hindi na ako ginising pa ni Tito ng mangyari ang sunog kagabi. He said I might be stressed again if I witnessed that. Hindi nalang ako nagsalita at hinayaang siya muna ang umayos ng lahat. Sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon kasi ay aksidenteng natapunan ng sigarilyo ang pinakatuyong parte ng tubuhan. Agad itong lumikha ng konting usok at apoy at dahil rin hindi pa gaanong napansin ng mga nagbabantay na trabahador doon kaya medyo kumalat ng mabilisan ang apoy.

Tito was mad. He even wanted to fire the man who almost fired up the sugar mills but then I stopped him. Pinagsabihan ko na lang ito at sa susunod ay mag-iingat na.

“Yeah, I heard about that. Claudio was then upset but I know it won’t take long. Napamahal na kasi siya dito sa hasyenda niyo. He grows up in here and he treasures everything what’s your grandparents left to your mother and you.”

Yeah..

“That’s why I’m lucky to have both of you.”

Doctor Daniela is Tito Claudio’s fiancée. They’ve been engaged for almost a year now and they’ll be wed for a few months. Ako ang naging saksi ng pagmamahalan ng dalawa. They were so inlove that even if I have a session together with her, Tito will be there to attend too. Kaya halos noong una ay hindi siya makapag-concentrate. Later did I know, may lihim na pagtingin na siya dito at gayunman si Tito sa kanya.

How romantic…

“You know people think you’re mean, but you’re actually sweet.” She said before pinching my nose.

I giggled like a little girl.

“Paano niyo po nasabi, Doc?”

She sighed. “I just know.”

“Now let’s go before Claudio start searching for us.” She then laughs at me. “Alam mo naman iyon kung mag-alala sa iyo ay parang anak ka na niya. I’m actually excited in our upcoming wedding.. I can’t wait to bear a child for him.”

Namilog ang mata ko sa sinabi niya. Agad akong kumalas sa pagkakayakap sa kanya at tumatakbong iniwan siya. Alam kong mahal na mahal nila ang isa’t isa pero naiilang ako kapag medyo malalim na ang pinag-uusapan.

“Bee.. Wait for me!” Natatawang sigaw niya sa akin.

Hindi ko siya nilingon.

What she just said was so cheesy and I don’t have that kind of a heart to listen to that kind of words. They were so passionate about their love to each other and every time I see them, I felt envy.

“Woah! Watch your steps, Braises.” Tito Claudio said when he sees me.

Nakaboots pa siya at isang lumang manggas na palagi niyang sinusuot kapag pumupunta siya ng palayan. Nasa b****a siya nang mansiyon habang may kinakausap na mga tauhan sa tubuhan.

“Magandang hapon po, Ma’am.” Saad ng iilang trabahante sa akin.

Ngumiti ako sa kanila. “Maayong hapon pod sa inyong tanan.” I greeted them back in a bisaya language.

“Kamao na diay ka magbisaya, Ma’am?” Namamanghang saad ng isang matandang lalaki.

Tinatanong niya kasi kong marunong akong mag-bisaya. Tumango ako sa kaniya.

“Kaunti lang po.”

“Syempre..Matagal na dito si Ma’am Braises kaya kahit papaano siguro ay maiintindihan na niya tayo.”

Lumingon ako kay Tito Claudio.

“Una na ako sa taas, Tito. Magbibihis muna ako.” Paalam ko sa kanya.

Tumango siya. “Bumaba ka kaagad dahil tayo ay kakain na.” He said.

I nodded.

“Mauna na po ako sa inyo.” Paalam ko sa kanilang lahat.

Lahat sila ay nakangiting tumango sa akin.

Nang makarating sa aking kwarto ay naramdaman ko kaagad ang pagod dahil sa pagtakbo. I gently sat on my bed and massage my legs. Nang mag-angat ng tingin ay napako ang aking paningin sa diploma kong isinabit sa dingding ng aking kwarto.

I smiled bitterly.

I wanna cursed something so bad but all the things I have on my mind made me paralyzed.

Pinkit ko ang aking mga mata.

I’m grateful.

I should be grateful.

One tear slid right into my eyes. I then wiped it immediately.

I maybe a graduate but until now, I didn’t take a board exam yet. Hindi sa wala akong pakialam sa sarili ko, hindi ko lang naisip iyon ng dumating ako dito. It seems like my mind was too preoccupied in handling the hacienda. Tito Claudio might be the in charge in the field work but I’m now the in charge when it comes to financing. I tried focusing for what’s my family had left.

But then I decided to pursue my career. Kinausap ko si Tito patungkol doon. I decided that I will take the board once he and Dr. Alvarez is married. Hindi siya tumutol sa desisiyon ko at mas iningganyo pa ako.

I wanted to practice my career and I really missed it.

It’s my dream and I choose to do it now.

My phone vibrated.

Natigil ako at agad na inabot iyon.

I jumped excitedly when I see who it is.

“Maria!!” I immediately said when I answered it.