The Heart of a Soul

Chapter 4

Trigger Warning: Self-Harm!!!

Tumigil si Mama sa pagtatrabaho kahit kasisimula pa lang niya at mas tinuon ang pansin sa pagpilit kay Papa na pirmahan ang mga papel. Papa would ignore all of it and try to appease her.

Habang tumatagal ay mas lumalalim ang awa at pag-aalala ko kay Papa at mas nagagalit ako lalo kay Mama.

Wala naman na akong kinakausap sa kanila masyado kahit pa noon. Madalas akong nakakulong sa kuwarto at ginagawa lang ang kung anong gusto ko. Father would let me be because he knows I am trying my best at school and despite not being that smart, I am diligent. At alam ko namang walang pakealam si Mama kahit anong gawin ko. Kahit siguro tumambay ako isang araw sa kuwarto nang hindi kumakain ay hahayaan ako noon. She was busy with her phone all the time. Hindi ko lang alam na ang pinagkakaabalahan niya ang sisira sa pamilya namin.

All this time she was branding my Father the title she deserved.

I hated her so much that I never talked to her. Ang lamig sa buong bahay namin na tinutupok lang ng apoy tuwing nag-aaway sila ay mas lalong tumindi.

Lumabas ako ng kuwarto para umalis na at pupuntang paaralan. I glanced at our dining table after hearing the sounds of utensils.

Naroon si Papa at mag-isang kumakain sa hapag. May nakahandang tatlong plato sa mesa at may mga pagkain na siya mismo ang nagluto.

My Father was always busy at work. Maaga siyang umaalis tuwing umaga kaya hindi siya minsan man nakakapagluto. Mama would cook but whenever she felt lazy, she would just instruct me to buy instant foods at convenience stores.

Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi at dinaramdam ang pagsikdo ng puso. It was even harder to breathe now that I am witnessing it in front of me, of how our family started to fall apart while my Father was holding each strings. Napagtanto kong si Papa lang talaga ang kumakapit simula sa una at hindi lang namin iyon makita. He was striving hard and working to earn money for us to have a better life, hindi ko rin iyon nakita.

I was busy living my own life inside my room, inside my mind and outside our home. Ni hindi ko nagawang tignan ang pagod sa mga mata ng ama ko. I realized that I did not even hold the strings that connects me with this family. We were like individuals living in the same house and stupidly calling themselves a family.

Ibinaba ko ang bag sa sofa namin at mabilis na nagtungo sa kusina. I don't want my Father to finish eating alone. Late na ako sa paaralan ngunit hindi naman problema iyon.

Nakababa lang ang tingin nito sa plato at mabagal ang pagnguya. May baso sa tabi ng plato niya kaya iyon ang napagdiskitahan ko. Kinuha ko ang pitsel sa malapit at sinalinan ang baso ng malamig na tubig.

Nag-angat ng tingin si Papa.

"Oh, sweetie. Aalis ka na?" parang natauhan ito at nagulat pa sa presensiya ko.

Umiling ako at naupo kaharap.

"Mamaya na po. Sasabay akong kumain. Nagluto kayo eh." I grinned sheepishly. Natawa si Papa at inabot ang ulo ko para guluhin ang buhok.

"Sulitin mo na 'yan. Minsan lang 'yan." Tukoy niya marahil sa mga pagkaing nasa hapag.

Napanguso ako at kaagad na kumuha nang marami. I was smiling widely even when my heart was breaking. It was the first time that I saw my Father had this genuine smile in his lips and eyes. Hindi ko maiwasang hindi maluha kaya yumuko na lang ako habang pinapagana ang sarili sa pagkain.

My Father knows how to cook but the taste of my tears feels awful.

"Ang sarap! Dapat parati kang nagluluto, pa! Para naman maganda ang araw ko tuwing papasok sa paaralan."

Tumawa lang si Papa at nagdagdag pa ng kanin para masabayan ako. It was only the two of us without my Mom but it was better than hearing her shrilling screams and squabbles. Namamanhid na ang tenga ko kakainda sa mga nakakairitang sigaw nito.

I was considering her squabbles before but after I had realize what she was doing, I just found her stupid. She's my mom but I can't take it anymore when she's affecting me this much. It's better... if she leaves. Kung ayaw naman na talaga niya at gumagawa na lang siya ng paraan para mag-away sila ni Papa, huwag na niyang ipakita pa ang mukha niya sa amin.

I went to school with a strong expression on my face. Araw-araw palaging ganoon. Araw-araw palagi kong suot ang maskara na iyon kahit araw-araw rin ay sa iba't-ibang paraan ang pagkabasag ng puso ko.

My interactions with Amanda were getting profound. I was able to share to her my problems and she would listen to me without a word. Umaayos naman ang pakiramdam ko dahil sa buong araw na pagpepeke ko ng expression ay may tao pa rin akong napapakitaan ng totoo kong mukha at puso. I can freely unveil my wounded heart to her and she wouldn't mind that.

Dati ay nahihirapan pa akong kausapin siya dahil sa nangyaring iyon. It's not like she's avoiding me. It's just that it's hard for me to approach her because I might have misinterpreted her. I realized I did. Gaya nga ng sinabi niya ay gusto niya lang talagang mapag-isa at hindi iyon dahil nahihirapan siyang makipagkaibigan. Partly, that was the reason but she just enjoyed being alone and she was not saying that to hide her embarrassment about not being able to make friends.

It was just me, trying to make myself better by using what I thought was her vulnerability. Akala ko ay problema iyon sa kaniya kaya sinusubukan kong ayusin ang hindi naman sirang bagay. I was fixing the wrong thing when what I should be fixing was my views towards other things.

I am over analyzing things that I failed to see what was in front of me. Lumalampas ako parati kahit nasa harapan ko lang ang madaling sagot. Or maybe... I was just trying to act blind and brave at that. Because I want people to think they can rely on me. If that would happen, then I wouldn't feel lonely.

I am used to spending time with myself, alone and wounded that writing would seem like my salvation. I did not know that this too would felt good and soothing. Iyong pipikit ka lang at papakiramdaman ang simoy ng hangin, bulag at walang pakealam sa lahat. It's me and my feelings that would matter. I thought it was always the crowd and the company of other people that would make us feel better about ourselves.

Napabuntong hininga ako at tumingala sa himpapawid. May mga araw rin na ganito lang. Tahimik at hinahayaan lang ang oras na maglakbay. The two of us would just relax at the rooftop before afternoon classes would start. None of us would break the silence because at that certain moment, both of us were moved by the tranquility one has offered.

The school bell rang, a cue that we have to let go of our sweet silence and go back to our classes. Umayos ng upo si Amanda at nauna pang tumayo sa akin. Nakaupo pa rin ako at halos mag-ugat na sa espalto.

If only I could offer this kind of peace to my Father and he would come to make it as his home. Hindi na niya kailangan pang magmakaawa kay Mama na huwag siyang iwanan. This silence will never leave him. It was an even more tempting offer to take than accepting my unwilling mother's acid everyday.

But of course, I will never understand why my Father would choose to understand my Mother after all of those things she has done. And I would never understand my Mother why she did it. There were things that even when we try to understand and consider, all we can do is to try but we cannot fully relate to it.

The classes started, it was Values. Sa kasamaang palad pa ay tungkol sa pamilya naman ang tinatalakay ng guro namin. My classmates and teacher's eyes would drifted towards me while I kept on acting as if everything does not matter and does not hurt me.

My family was crumbling. Everybody knows about that. Everyday, they would look at me with the eyes that was evident of pity and consideration. I hate that. It became my chains that binds my from showing my true self.

The truth was, I wanted to live far away where no one could recognize me. Kahit mag-isa, kahit walang kakilala. Maybe that way, I would not feel lonely and broken. No single soul would recognize me and I wouldn't be familiar with them too. That way, I wouldn't know everyone around me was happy while I am miserable with my life. Sa ganoong paraan ay hindi ako tatamaan ng inggit.

Only that, this was reality and not a fairytale intended for me, a protagonist.

I am just an ordinary person in this lifetime. I am neither the protagonist nor the antagonist. Life would be unpredictable because this was not a life in a book where writers have to make things happen for a reason. Kasi sa buhay, may mga bagay na nangyayari lang nang walang malalim na dahilan. It happened because it happened.

The whole period of pretending tough and unaffected ended. Ganunpaman ay wala namang magbabago sa tungo sa akin ng mga tao. They would treat me as if I am a fragile doll that would break anytime if handled improperly.

Pagkarating ko ng bahay ay pagkabasag kaagad ng anumang bagay ang nadatnan ko. It was not new to me. Sa tuwing darating na lang ako ay naaabutan ko si Mama na nagbabasag nang kung anu-anong bagay. I would just let her be a brat in her room. Sa kuwarto ako at tila bingi ang mga tenga sa nakakapagod niyang mga sigaw.

I told myself that it's alright. As long as this pain was still her, I can still see a new morning. As long as I knew there was something I need to heal, I would open my eyes for the next morning and look for a healing.

But this was different from before. Gulat ako dahil nadatnan din ang ama sa tanggapan ng bahay namin. My mother was on the sofa, her face was full of tears and flushed from her crazy antics.

Napahilamos si Papa ng mukha, hindi na alam ang gagawin. I stood in front of them, not knowing what to do to stop them from fighting.

Dati naman ay importante ako. I felt like my presence matters and I still have something to hold on because every time they would fight, they stopped when I am around. Ngayon ay parang alikabok na lang akong tangang kumakapit sa napuputol na lubid.

"Goodness, Grace! Kahit anong sabihin mo, hindi magbabago ang desisyon ko. I am not signing the papers!"

Parang wala na siyang naririnig na salita galing kay Papa pagkatapos noon. She started breaking more of our figurines and vases that was within her reach. Napasalampak siya sa sahig sa bigat ng vase na nasa gilid ng sofa namin. Nagkalat ang mga artificial flowers sa sahig.

"You are going to sign the papers, Javier!"

Namumula na ang mga mata niya sa pag-iyak. She held a shard of broken ceramic and pointed it on her wrist. Sabay na nanlaki ang mata namin ni Papa sa kasunod niyang ginawa.

She slit her wrist with the huge piece of shard. Umalingawngaw ang boses ng ama ko habang pinipigilan siya sa ginawa samantalang namamanhid na ako sa sarilig nasaksihan.

The blood from her porcelain skin fell on the floor as if it was a rain started to going down. Napaupo ako sa hindi maipaliwanag na nararamdaman. I was not scared after seeing it but rather, I felt as if she had stolen a part of me after letting me witness that.

Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin ay nakita ko ang sarili sa harap ng salamin. It resembles the face of the woman I loathed the most. Puno ng luha ang buong mukha at pulang-pula.

Ngunit ang pakiramdam ng hapdi sa palapulsuhan ko ang pakiramdam na hindi ko nakuha noon habang tanaw ang mukha ng ina. When I looked down, all I see was my bloody wrist and a razor blade on my hand.

Kaagad ko iyong nabitawan at hinawakan ang palapulsuhan. With no contempt and regret for what I have done, I strode towards my drawer and covered my wrist with a clean towel.

It's alright... It will be fine. Hindi naman malalim ang sugat. I just wanted to take back what that woman stole from me. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko iyon magagawa nang tuluyan ngunit ito lang ang tanging sagot na lumapit sa akin.

The feelings that was robbed from me... The heart that was stolen from me... I wanted it back. I don't know when, I don't know how but for some reason, the hot blood from the cuts made me feel alive.