The Heart of a Soul

Chapter 5

Nagising ako nang madaling araw na nasa sahig na at wala sa kama. Napakamot ako sa magulong buhok at umikot ang mata sa paligid. Wala pa ako sa huwisyo at tila batang bagong silang na nagtataka kung bakit siya nasa mundo.

I snapped out of the reality and realize I was in my own room. Nasa sahig ako ngayon dahil malikot kung matulog at marahil nahulog galing sa kama. Kumakapit na lang sa dulo ng kama iyong puting kumot na ginamit ko at isang hila na lang ng paa ko ay mahuhulog na ito.

This happened to me all the time. Kapag maagang natutulog ng gabi ay madaling araw kung nagigising. What's worst is that when I wanted to go back to sleep, my mind would continue wandering in the nothingness of the dimension I created. Sa huli ay napupuyat ako kahit maaga namang natutulog dahil maaga ring nagigising.

It just that I got used to sleeping late because Mama and Papa would always fight late at night. Nasanay rin akong nagigising nang madaling araw dahil may minsang inaabot na sila ng mga ganitong oras sa pag-aaway.

Hindi lang talaga nagpapatalo si Mama sa pinapaniwalaan niya... or more like the accusations she made so that my Father would seemed like the bad guy. At kapag alam natin ang totoo at gustong ipaalam iyon sa ibang tao, we will not stop talking it out on them until they believe.

My Mother knows the truth in the first place and altered it. Kahit anong sasabihin ni Papa, walang magbabago.

I sat on my study table. I took out my notebook and opened my laptop. I glanced at my tinted window and smiled at the bright moon. Aside from the blue radiation that illuminated the proportions of my face, the moon outside struck gentleness into my heart.

There were times like this where I feel at peace. However, I feel nothing but tranquillity. Iyong pakiramdam na parang lumulutang ka lang sa hangin. People would want this feeling after a bad day or a busy day. My life had been an undying routine ever since both of my parents were not home. I've been stuck with this feeling for a long time that I grow numb.

It's just peaceful, physically. It's relaxing. But my mind won't stop wandering in the dark void that I created. It grew accustomed to it that I don't even feel the fear anymore.

Dati, kinakatakutan ko lang ito. Iyong wala ka ng ibang maramdaman. Mapapabuntong hininga ka na lang, umaasang kakalabitin ka ng pakiramdam na matagal mo nang hinahanap. That was why even when our family strifes were painful to me, it was fine. It was fine as long as I can feel that I still have my heart inside me to feel.

Ngunit pati yata ang puso ko ay sumuko ng makiramdam.

I started writing little by little. Napapangiti naman ako dahil may pumapasok din kahit na kaunti sa document ko. Sinusulyapan ko nang ilang beses ang word count ko at lumalaki naman paunti-unti.

Whatever happens, I am proud of myself. Bago pa lang nangyari ang lahat, pakiramdam ko ay wala na akong dahilan para magpatuloy but when I look at every words I constructed, it's gradually growing despite not being able to understand myself. There's a little light that glimmers in my sky. That star gave me hope. If I will take steps little by little, I will reach the moon and stars.

After all, great achievements came from little steps.

There were times that I would feel bad for the world that I created—for the book and people that I made. It would seem like I am just using them to find my heart and to redeem myself. I am just using them to feel better about myself. That despite what had happen, I can still do something. Despite all the failures that occurred in my life, I am not a good for nothing. But God knows I genuinely love them. God knows that part of my reasons were for their sake.

I don't want to give up on them. It feels like giving up on myself.

Isang oras lang ata ang inilagi ko sa study table dahil nangangalay na kaagad ang mga braso at likod ko. Wala na rin namang pumapasok sa isipan ko kaya pumunta na lang ako sa kusina.

"Baka andito..." I murmured to myself. Isa-isa kung binuksan ang mga cupboard ng kusina para tignan kung naroon ba ang cup noodles na hinahanap. Nang walang makita ay umabot na ako kung saan sa paghahanap bago maalalang naubos ko na pala iyon noong isang araw.

May isang araw kasing dalawang beses sa m ako kumain ng instant noodles. Kulang na nga lang ay iyon ang dalhin ko para sa tanghali. Tuloy ay napapayag ko si Amanda na kumain kasama ko sa cafeteria kasi wala akong dalang baon.

"Bakit ka kasi hindi nagluto o kaya bumili ng ulam sa labas?" Kumunot ang noo niya lalo habang patungo kami sa cafeteria.

Napahalakhak ako nang marahan at umiling.

"Nagpuyat ako eh kaya matagal din akong nagising. Hindi na ako nakapagluto kahit kanin."

Bumaling ang tingin niya sa akin at parang gusto pa atang huminto. Tumaas ang isang kilay ko at ipinilig ang ulo para matignan din siya.

"Nagtu-tweet ka na naman magdamag sa account mong walang followers at naka-lock..." hula niya na parang sigurado pa siya.

I shrugged my shoulders and just laughed it out. Mas lalo kong isiniksik ang palapulsuhan na nakatago sa bulsa ng palda. I bit my lower lips when I am free from her sight.

Amanda knows about my family crises and I told her about my problems except for that. She became the person I spill all my problems with: my hatred towards my mother and my life circumstances but she doesn't know the deeper wound my mother created in me. She also doesn't know that... I cut myself sometimes.

There were times that I feel as if I can be someone else. I was just struck by the feeling that I thought I can change and heal at that very moment. I would wake up from the impossible dreams.

Even when Amanda was there as my friend, I still feel like I am alone inside this large box. I look for different places inside but all I can see were the same face. All I can see was myself and there were no different versions of me. It's like I am just looking at an ordinary mirror with the reflection of the current me.

Napagpasyahan ko na lang talagang dumayo sa malapit na convenience store. Isinara ko ang pintuan ng bahay at hinawakan ang sariling balikat sa lamig. Kahit na naka-cardigan na ako ay malamig talaga ang hangin sa gabi.

Walang masyadong tao gaya ng kadalasan. Minsan kasi ay may mga kaedad ko pang tumatambay at nag-iinom. Iyong iba naman ay nagku-kuwentuhan lang.

"Ang aga mo ngayon, Georgina ah..." puna ng cashier. "Midnight snack ba?"

Ngumiti ako at tuluyang isinara ang glass door ng tindahan.

Medyo naging malapit ko na rin kasi ang cashier sa night shift dito dahil friendly naman ito at madalas pa akong tambay kapag nagigising ng ganitong oras. Si manong guard din pero wala ata ngayon.

"Hanap mo si Nonoy? Umuwi raw sa probinsya nila kasama ang pamilya eh. Sa Tuesday pa ata babalik."

"Ah, ganoon ba... Kaya pala wala akong taga bukas ng pintuan ngayon."

"Oo nga eh. Hindi ka muna prinsesa ngayon, Gia." Tumawa siya matapos ng sinabi. Natawa na rin ako at nilapag ang mga kinuhang pagkain.

Sinuyod niya iyong mga pinamili ko at umangat ang tingin sa akin.

"Hindi ka rito kakain? Marami ata ang pinamili mo ngayon."

Umiling ako. "Dito ako kakain. Dinamihan ko lang baka kasi tamarin na naman akong magluto sa susunod na araw. Mas madaling mag init ng tubig eh."

"Tama ka nga. Tinatamad nga rin akong magluto sa dorm. Magiging mukhang pancig canton na ako."

Nagkausap kami saglit habang dala-dala ko pa ang paper bag at nakalapag sa counter ang mainit na cup noodles. Natigil lang kami dahil may bagong customer na pumasok.

"Excuse me..." aniya sa mababang boses. Napalingon ako sa bigla at muntikan pang mabuhos ang mainit na noodles. He leaned closer on me to brace the cup.

"A-Ah, sorry..." Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi nang matauhan. Dahil sa lapit namin ay kapansin-pansin ang pamilyar na amoy galing sa kaniya.

Wala man lang itong reaksyon at parang walang pakealam sa pagkapahiya ko. I felt even embarrassed knowing that my cheeks reddened because of someone who doesn't even seem to notice it.

"Sa labas lang ako kakain, Reg. Masarap ang hangin ngayon eh."

"Mas masarap pa sa mainit na cup noodles?" He grinned and waved at me.

Napangisi rin ako habang papalabas ng convenience store. Pumesto ako malapit sa pintuan at inilapag ang mga dala sa tabi.

Akala ko makakahinga na ako ng maluwag ngunit sumunod naman sa paglabas iyong lalaki kanina at umupo sa kaharap na puwesto. Binaba nito ang dala at diretso kaagad sa akin ang paningin.

My heart started beating out of anxiety and excitement that it felt so foreign to me. Hindi ko maiwasang hindi mapahawak sa dibdib upang kalmahin ang sarili.

He was wearing a jacket and he covers his head with his hood. He models black perfectly that he almost portrays death God, I thought he's hair to claim my soul. His hair was jet black and messy that it covers his eyes and forehead. The thin line of his red lips were the only feature of his face that was visible to me. However, his very presence sent shivers to my spine, I felt intimidated by him. Despite that, it makes me want to stare at him even more.

I know it was the same guy I encountered in this same place. I never thought we would cross paths again and that I would remember him because of his scent.

Nagsimula lang akong kumain nang papasimula na rin siya. Nakayuko ako at pinipilit ang sariling huwag sumulyap sa kinauupuan nito. Although I failed miserably after so many tries.

He placed the disposable chopstick above the cup and pull down his hood revealing his whole face. He brushed his hair backwards, my jaw dropped because of the beauty of his eye color.

Now I am certain that he was really good looking. How I define him gave no justice to how he truly looks like. His eyes glimmers in the night that would seemed like a golden green moon bestrewed with stardust. His aristocratic nose were straight and tall, I am certain that God took his time into molding them, and the grim line of his red lips, now wide open to eat the smoking noodles. When he tilted his head and leaned closer to have a better access of the food, the lamppost nearby gave a dramatic lighting to the proportions of his jaw.

Sa katititig ko rito ay halos mapatalon ako nang madaanan ako ng mga mata nito. Nakahinga lang nang maliwag nang sa daan pala ang tingin.

I never told anyone about the guy I saw last night. Parang gusto kong ipagdamot ang tungkol sa kaniya kahit hindi naman ito akin. It was a beautiful little secret I had between me and myself. Hindi rin naman ako sigurado kung makikita ko pa ulit ito. That moment was probably just one of the best coincidences that I had.

Humiyaw mula sa pintuan iyong kaklase ko na paparating na raw si ma'am kaya isa-isa na kaming nag-ayos ng mga upuan at gamit namin. Wala namang nagulo sa desk ko kaya nanatili akong nakaupo at blanko ang tingin sa chalkboard.

"Class, please take a seat. You will have a transferee today."

Nagsimula na ang bulungan ng mga kaklase ko at hulaan tungkol sa magiging bago naming kaklase. I glanced at Amanda with a question in my eyes. Kalmado lang siyang nagkibit balikat at parang hindi nakakabigla ang sinabi ng guro.

We haven't had our first quarter exam but it was fast approaching so I don't know why this transferee would only show up today. She would have a lot to catch up especially if her former school discussed different things.

Maingay pa ang lahat habang rinig na rinig ko ang tunog ng paglalakad nito. It was rhythmic to the beat of my heart that it almost confused me. Kinakabahan ako sa hindi malamang dahilan ngunit pinanatili ko ang tingin sa harap upang hanapin ang dahilan na iyon.

A guy in his 6'0 feet glory slightly crouch to fit into the door of our classroom. Nakaawang lahat ang bibig ng mga kaklase ko at parang hindi makapaniwala na totoong tao ang nakatayo sa harapan nila.

"Please introduce yourself to your classmate, Mr."

Impit na nagsitilian ang mga kaklase kong babae at nangingisi na ang mga lalaki dahil magkakaroon sila ng bagong kasama sa kabastarduhan.

Hindi ko pa siya nilulubayan ng tingin at nahihiwagaan pa sa nangyayari. Why was he inside my classroom? He's the new transferee? We were going to be in the same classroom for the whole school year!?

"Ang guwapo niya! Bakit kaya siya lumipat ng school?"

Napalingon ako sa kaklaseng nagsalita. She just speak out the question I had in my mind.

"Quiet class!" saway ng guro namin at hinampas nang mahina ang board para kunin ang aming atensyon.

Lumingon siya sa lalaki at tumango. He did not say anything nor nodded his head, he just looked ahead with a blank look on his face.

"Hi. My name is Noah Oliver Rivero. I'll be your new classmate."

Isa-isang naghampasan ang mga kaklase ko na parang wala sa harap iyong pinupuri nila. The guy in front of us seems to not mind the compliments he was receiving or more like he looks as if he doesn't care about them. Luminga-linga lang siya sa paligid at nang tumigil sa isang puwesto ay tumango nang kaunti.

Napasunod ako ng tingin sa kung sino ang binigyan niya ng atensyon. It was on Amanda's seat. Amanda blankly nodded at him as well. Napansin ata nitong may nakatingin sa kaniya, nagtama ang paningin namin.

Tinaasan ako ng isang kilay ni Amanda. She grinned playfully at me as if meaning to say something I was not able to catch on.

"Your bag..." mababang bigkas ng kung sino.

Sa gulat ko ay napatayo ako mula sa pagkakaupo at nauntog pa sa dibdib ng nasa harap ko. Nasapo ko ang noo at nakapikit ang isang matang sumulyap sa malaking lalaki.

It was him!

"A-Ah!" wala sa sarili kong usal. He glared at me as if annoyed. Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi at hindi mahanap ang tamang salita. "Dito ka uupo?" Hindi ko pa siguradong bigkas.

"Pauupuin mo ako o hindi?" His forehead puckered in question and annoyance.

"Ah, sorry! Here." Tinanggal ko ang bag na namamahinga sa upuan niya... ngayon. "You can take a seat."

Inilagay niya ang bag sa likod ng upuan at umupo roon. The chair looks so small for him that he looks as if he was struggling on his seat.

"Are you not going to sit down, Miss cup noodles?"

Cup noodles!?

Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mata at mabilis pa sa alas cuatro ang pag-upo katabi niya. I felt my cheeks flushed in embarrassment because of what he called me.

"My name is Georgina, not cup noodles." Buong tapang kong bulong sa kaniya.

Hindi na siya sumagot sa sinabi ko at sa harap na ang paningin. I sighed and focused on the discussion.

The guy that I just met in a convenience store, my beautiful little secret... the same guy showed up inside our class as our new classmate. Napabuntong hininga ako at tinapik-tapik nang marahan sa mesa ang sirang ballpen.

So much for my little secret. Everyone knows about him now.