The Heart of a Soul

Chapter 6

"Hija, are you doing well?"

Iyon ang bungad ni Papa nang masagot ko ang tawag niya sa pangatlong ring. I fell silent for a few seconds, may kung anu-anong kinalikot sa kusina habang naghihintay sa kabilang linya si Papa. He called my attention once again, nataranta ako ngunit medyo nagkaroon na ng lakas loob magsalita.

"Ah, yes po. I am doing fine here."

"That's good…" Namayani ulit ang nakakailang na katahimikan. I did not speak and just listen to what my Father has to say. Narinig ko ang tikhim niya sa kabilang linya bago magsalitang muli. "Do you still have money to spend? Kung wala na, sabihan mo ako."

"Meron pa naman po." Marami pa. I was about to say that.

Father did not know that Mama was also sending me money. Tinatanggap ko naman. Ginagawa ko na lang iyong pampalubag loob sa ginawa niya sa pamilya namin. Sometimes I would excessively spend the money she sent for nonsense things. Pagkatapos ay hindi rin naman masyadong nagagamit ang mga bagay na iyon at nakakalimutan na lang.

If she probably would not send me money, I would think that she had totally forgotten she once bear a child. I would be like those things I bought.

My Father would check on me from time to time unlike my mother who only sent me money. Although I would find myself having a hard time responding to my Father's concerns. My Father probably read the atmosphere so he also had no idea how to respond to the situation.

Ganunpaman, hindi nawawala sa tawag ang pagsasabi niya na dapat ay sumama na ako sa kaniya at sa bago niyang pamilya.

I would love to. Tita Sarah was also fine with it but I don't want to hit my own head with the stone my mother gathered. Sa tuwing harap-harapan kong makikita na masaya na sila, hindi ko maiiwasang alalahanin ang pamilya naming nasira. That maybe if I could reverse the time, we could fix everything that has to be fixed. I can't help but feel envy. How were they doing it? Hindi ko ba iyon magagawa? Would I forever be stuck in a loop? How can they be so happy while I am reminded by the broken images of us.

Natapos ang tawag nang ilang minuto. Napabuntong hininga ako at napatitig sa wall clock. The house was so silent that I could hear every heart beats of the clock. Ilang beses ang pagtakbo ng segundo bago ko maalala ang niluluto kong manok.

Tinakbo ko ang stove upang tignan kung ano ng nangyari rito. Nakaligtaan ko at ang manok na niluluto ko ay naging uling na! It still smells good but I doubt how it would taste!

Here I am thinking that it would be easier for me to cook anything fried because I would just let them boil in the oil. Ngayon ay nakikita ko ng hindi dapat ako magsalita nang tapos.

I am still hopeful about it. Baka masarap pa rin naman kahit itim na ang kulay. Kaya nagtiis ako sa pagtanggal sa dumidikit na manok. When I successfully took it out from the pan, I carried it on the table like it's a masterpiece I am about to present to the public.

Iyon nga lang ay hindi ganoon kaganda ang lasa. Or should I say, it doesn't taste like chicken but coal.

Dismayado kong binaba ang tinidor na hawak at dali-dali ang pag-inom ng tubig upang mawala ang pait. Naubos ko ang isang baso ngunit kumakapit pa rin sa dila ko ang lasa. I gave up trying and sighed.

Amanda told me straight that the food I cook was unbearable and how I was able to eat it with a straight face. I don't know if I am only a bad cook or I am also a bad taster but the flavor of coal was definitely not my type.

Hindi naman ako nakakapag-grocery madalas dahil hindi ako nakakapaglaan ng oras para roon ngunit noong isang aras ay dumaan ako sa supermarket. I prepared stock worth a week, it was too late to realize that I do not know how to cook. I can probably get a hold of it if I am following instructions from the cook book but how it would taste would be questionable…

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin sa manok na sunog. I feel bad to just throw it away after failing. It's still food and many were having troubles just so they could eat.

Tinanggal ko na lang ang mga itim na nasa balat ng manok gamit ang kutsilyo at tinidor. Nang makita ko ang loob ay may parteng sunog ngunit may parteng hindi rin masyadong luto at may dugo pa. Napangiwi ako at dinala iyon palabas. I brought with me my wallet along with my failure.

May nadaanan naman ako na asong kalye habang papalabas sa eskinita. I just decided to eat out just like I usually do. Laman na naman ako ng convenience store. Siguro nagsasawa na ang mga tambay roon sa pagmumukha ko.

I could cook at home. I bought instant foods back then too but I still chose to eat out. I would feel less lonely when I am immersed by the sight of people and one of the reasons I knew I had inside me but can't completely admit it was Noah Oliver. I'll probably see him again! Mukhang laman din siya ng convenience store pero hindi niya ako matatalo roon.

Tama nga ako dahil namataan ko kaagad si Noah na nakaupo mag-isa sa isang mesa. Nakayuko ito at halatang abala sa mobile phone. The blue light from his screen radiated some details of his face, his tall and straight nose which was likely the most noticeable part of his face created a shadow on his cheek. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa pagkain niya. He was eating burgers, there were three on his table and large-sized cola on his table.

Napasimangot ako nang maalala ang tinawag niya sa akin. He called me Miss cup noodles because he would always catch me eating noodles! That was just a coincidence! Madalas naman na noodles nga ang binibili ko ngunit hindi naman parati! Eksakto lang nariyan siya at araw ng noodles ko.

Kaya nang bumili ako ay hindi na lang noodles ang napagpasyahan kong kainin. I bought pork sisig instead. Hindi na ako naghanap pa ng ibang table at sa mesa ni Noah dumiretso sa pag-upo. Marami namang tao sa araw na ito at nakakaramdam akong umupo mag-isa sa ibang table. Kilala naman namin ang isa't-isa kaya bakit magsasayang pa ako ng mesa?

He did not even glance my way when my chair angrily squeaked. Marahil hindi naririnig ang paligid sa lakas ng tugtog mula sa kaniyang puting headphones.

He was again hiding himself from the sight of everyone. Mahigpit ang yakap ng maroon jacket sa katawan niya at tinatakpan ng hood ang kalahating mukha. Even I who's sitting in front of him would only find his face visible from the radiation of his phone.

Sumuko na ako sa patikhim-tikhim at pasimpleng pag-iingay ng upuan. I realize I would never find the right words to say if I had to talk to him. He seemed to be a person who will shut you down even after trying to talk to him. Nakakulong pa sa loob ko ang abilidad na makipag-usap sa mga tao.

Sumilip na lang ako sa mobile phone niya. I wondered what kept him so busy to let his burgers run cold. He was reading manga. I've fiddled in libraries and tried reading them but I've only tried peeking on Romance genres. Sa novel din naman ako nagiging abala lalo na't naghahanap ako ng magiging trigger ng emotion ko. I just can't seem to find that trigger in real life that I was seeking for another gun.

However, I have yet to give up on that.

Hanggang ngayon ay gumigising ako araw-araw at nagbabakasakaling isang araw matatagpuan ko ang isang bagay na makakapagpabuhay sa natutulog kong emotion. Something that would make my heart beat in different intensity, make me feel the emotions I had long for. If that something would walk towards me, I would run and meet them. If they would run away from me, I knew I would chase after them breathlessly without halting in fear.

Matagal ko ng nakalimutan ang pakiramdam na matakot. The only thing that fears me was the idea of not being able to breathe my feelings.

I just ate in silence and let him treat me like a dust sitting on a rusty chair. Hirap na hirap pa ang pagbukas ko ng pagkain sa nakabalot na scotch tape dito. Ayaw ata akong pakainin! My tummy was grumbling in anger but Noah's music was probably angrier.

The day Noah transferred in our school, his name was making a noise in every corners. Para bang may media na nagbabalita sa kaniya at lumalakas ang impluwensiya niya sa paaralan. That was not because he was a social butterfly though. He was obviously the opposite. Someone who would only talk when it was necessary. Kahit sa mga guro namin ay isang tanong-isang sagot lang siya.

He seemed like the person who would prefer to be in dark corners and would saunter in other dimensions. Bilang lang ata ang mga salitang nabibitawan niya. He would only talk to Amanda and me. Although it looks like he was annoyed of me for some unknown reasons. Sa tuwing nagtatama ang paningin namin ay dumidilim ang mukha niya at parang ayaw niya akong titigan. He could but it's probably against his will.

However, he was treating Amanda just fine. It's like they've known each other for a long time that he was not wary of her. He was still the ever blank face Noah when talking to her but that treatment was better than shutting down conversations and giving you dark glares. Siguro dahil hindi rin naman madaldal si Amanda.

People can't still helped it but be curious about his connection with Amanda. I had been thinking about it too. I was the first person who thought there might be connections between them before they could even start talking to each other.

Binibigyan pa rin naman nila ng distansya si Noah sa gitna ng pagtataka nila. Ngunit hindi pa rin mawawala iyong ibang sinusubukang basagin ang nagyeyelong pader na itinayo ni Noah. Not one had succeed. Iyong iba ay nanatiling sa malayo ang tingin sa kaniya at ang tanging nagagawa ay magpantsya.

Sa lalim ng naabot ng isip ko ay hindi na na namalayang mas dumadami ang mga tao at may papalabas pa na grupo galing lang sa loob. One familiar face immediately spotted me.

"Hi! Georgina, right?" bungad sa akin ng isa sa kanila.

Natigil ako sa akmang pagsubo at ibinaba ang kutsarang puno ng kanin. I smiled curtly and nodded in acknowledgement.

Pamilyar naman sa akin ang mukha ng mga madalas difo kaya hindi na bago sa akin na makita ang grupo nila. They often visit the convenience store after their basketball practice. Halatang kakabihis lang at basa ang buhok marahil sa pawis. Hindi na naiiba ngayong araw. Ginagabi naman madalas ang grupo nila.

"I saw you here and thought you are a familiar face. Ikaw pala talaga." He laughed. Bumagsak sa balikat niya ang mabigat na kamay ng kasama at may ngisi na sa mukha. "I've known you since you are always spotted with the employee at night."

"He would not recognize you if you were not pretty." His friends laughed and he just shyly rubbed the back of his head and grinned boyishly.

Lito akong ngumisi at hindi malaman kung sasabay pa sa kanilang tawa. I do not even know what to respond! I would prefer Noah's evil glares than this hell!

"Well, yes you are beautiful. So I was thinking of inviting you to a dinner." Nagdadalawang-isip pa siya sa sasabihin lalo na nang masulyapan ang pagkain sa mesa. Sumulyap pa siya sa kabilang upuan at nangunot ang noo.

Noah harshly removed his headphons, parang gusto atang putulin ang nakakabit na wire sa cellphone. Binaba niya ang hood ng jacket at mas naging maliwanag na ang dilim sa mukha niya. Even I abruptly stepped back in surprise.

"She is with me," he said with a menacing tone.

"How is that possible?" Lito silang nakatingin sa isa't-isa at parang linya na nagtugma ang laman ng utak. "You were ignoring her, how is this beautiful woman here with you?"

"Still, you have no right to snag someone's companion. You cannot even read the atmosphere. She is feeling uncomfortable."

Pagak na natawa ang lalaki at nainsulto sa sinabi ni Noah. He stepped forward, I figured out he might grab Noah in aggression so I covered the space between them with my body. Like dogs about to quarrel, you just have to avert their line of sight.

Sa akin nga napadpad ang tingin nito at nawala na ang iniingatang ekspresyon kanina.

"Tell me, Georgina, are you uncomfortable?" he asked imposing dominance. Napaatras ako at napalunok sa bigla. I was trying so hard to look away but he was catching my gaze to intimidate me. He was doing this to get me disagree and prove a point.

I knew that but I was too nervous. My anxiety just had to kick in at this very moment. Having to meet and interact with another pushover, there's no knowing how I should handle it.

"Layo." Noah's voice was surprisingly low and calm in this dreadful situation. His attack was completely different from their hot air. He was emanating impassiveness yet the hand that held me was warm.

Marahan ang ginawa niyang pagtulak sa akin sa gilid. He held my right arm for a support. Kapag titignan ng ibang tao ay iisipin nilang inaakbayan niya ako. My face heated and melted the troubled feeling inside me.

"What the hell, dude? Tinatanong ko kung naiilang ba siya, bakit ka sumasapaw?"

"You are asking her a question, not trying to kiss her."

He said those with no hesitation! Mas lalong nag-init ang mukha ko at bumibigat ang kagustuhang tumakbo at lumayo sa kanila.

This guy… had his ways of making me fluster with no shame on his part!

Hindi rin makapaniwala ang lalaki at namumula na ang buong mukha hanggang sa tenga. Sinapo nito ang noo at unti-unti ng umaatras, napapagod ng makipagsagutan kay Noah.

Noah was adamant of his beliefs I doubt he even understood what he was saying or he was just saying them because that's what it looks like to him. No wonder he would be unaffected!

"Whatever, dude. Sa'yo na. Sana lang hindi magsawa sa'yo." The guy said those as if they were a curse. Hindi naman iyon nakukuha ni Noah at blanko lang ang mukha.

Bumaling siya sa akin nang mag-alisan sila. My face, still red, was trying not to get in his line of sight. Mabilis ako sa pag-iwas ng tingin at tinanggal ang kamay niya sa balikat ko, naghahanda na sa pag-alis.

"Ah, uuwi na ako. Pasensiya na sa abala, Noah…" I choked at the mention of his name.

Hindi ko na hinintay ang susunod na sasabihin niya at tumakbo na palayo sa mesa namin. I run and hid my blushing face with my palms as if it would erase the existence of that feeling. I said I would love to breathe my emotions back to life but I never thought it was this easy for him.

So much for eating out and expecting to see him. Ngayong nakita ko naman ay ganito ang mangyayari. That was out of my expectances.