The Heart of a Soul

Chapter 7

I've always been yearning for this pace. Where my heart would beat as if I had just run a marathon. Iyong aabutin ng pintig na iyon ang gilid ng mga labi ko at maghila ng ngiti.

I run away from the place in hurry. Hindi pa rin naglaho ang hiya na naramdaman ko. It was even embarrassing that I run away as if Noah's a plague. Ngunit humupa rin kalaunan ang hiyang iyon. Maraming damdamin ang naglalaro sa loob-loob ko at parang wala ng kalalagyan ang hiya na kumakatok.

I clutched my chest and tried to name all of them. I couldn't figure it out but it was different from usual. It was just like before. The feeling when the numbness in your hand relented and it would throb in a stinging pain after hours of writing. O puwedeng sabihin na... nagising ang kung ano sa loob ko.

There were too many of them and I haven't felt them for a long time, I was not able to perceive what it was but all I know was that I was able to smile genuinely today. I felt happy and hopeful.

"Amanda!" Masigla akong lumapit sa pwesto ni Amanda na hindi naman kalayuan sa akin. Nagliligpit pa siya ng gamit niya ngunit ipinilig ang ulo para tingnan ako. Nangunot ang noo niya at hindi iyon nawala habang isinilid ang huling gamit.

"May nangyari ba?" she asked warily.

"Huh? Anong nangyari?" balik na tanong ko sa kaniya, hindi makuha ang ibig sabihin nito.

"Ako nga unang nagtanong, babalikan mo naman ako ng tanong." Umirap siya at kinatok nang mahina ang ulo ko. I laughed and took the lunch box she took out from her bag. "Magnanakaw pero sige lang."

"Ako ang magnanakaw na masaya kang manakawan."

"Nakahinga lang ako nang maluwag kasi mukhang napagtanto mo na kung anong mahika ng mga luto mo."

Akto ko siyang kukurutin ngunit inilag niya ang katawan at nakangisi na habang lumalayo sa akin. Iwinagayway ko ang lunch box niya na para bang sinasabing hindi ko na iyon ibabalik. She failed to interpret that and walked ahead of me, waving her fingers teasingly.

"Hahanapin ko lang si Noah."

Nag-thumbs up lang ako sa kaniya habang papalayo sa kinatatayuan ko ang bulto ni Amanda. She turn her back from me and started running at permissible speed. Nauna na lang rin ako sa rooftop kung saan kami madalas nagtatanghalian. Naghanda ako ng tatlong armchairs at hinarap iyon sa isa't-isa. Napuno kasi ang stockroom kaya noong nagpapalit ng mga bagong upuan sa mga classrooms, inilagay sa rooftop ang kaunting natira.

Noah has been joining us during lunch. Hindi naman araw-araw sa klase nangyayari iyon dahil minsan tinatanggihan niya ang paanyaya ni Amanda. Ang sabi ni Amanda kapag nasa maayos na mood daw si Noah ay papayag iyon sumabay sa amin mag-lunch. If he's not in the mood, he would sneer at Amanda's invite like a mother cat.

Iyon ang sabi ni Amanda pero mukha naming laging wala sa mood ang mukha ni Noah. Kung hindi blanko ang tingin ay tatapunan ka ng matulis na patalim gamit ang mga mata. His expressions were never good either. Amanda being his spokesperson defended and explained it to me when I talked about it. Ang sabi ay ganoon daw ang normal na ekspresyon ni Noah.

I can't even tell if Amanda was speaking his side that time or she was making fun of him.

Ang sigurado ko lang ay malapit talaga silang dalawa sa isa't-isa. They seem to know a lot of each other. Lalo kong napagtanto iyon dahil naroon ako parati kapag nasa iisang lugar ang dalawa. That's because Amanda would never left me out. I just didn't ask Amanda about. I feel like I am crossing a line so I was trying to draw it thicker myself. Even when I was uncomfortable about hanging around the two, I'd just hold onto myself. I'm best at doing that after all.

I also figured out that Noah was not comfortable being around people because he would react in blatant irritation. He would glare at the person who makes him feel uncomfortable. Ako parati ang natatapunan ng masamang tingin nito. I'm trying to get along with him since he's a friend of my friend but he would not even try to break the silence between us.

"Gusto mo ba?" alok ko sa kaniya ng lunch ko. Ilang segundo siyang nakatitig sa akin na para bang nahihiwagaan sa ginawa ko bago lumapit ang mga mata sa pagkaing inalok ko sa kaniya.

He wordlessly took a little from my lunch box. I smiled in satisfaction for having a small interaction with him. Mahirap kasi talagang kausap si Noah. He's also unpredictable. Just like our first close interaction together—when he called me Miss cup noodles! Hindi ko iyon makalimutan dahil ilang araw akong nagtampo sa cup noodles! And... just like our interaction just a while back.

We were never friends and did not formally introduced ourselves to each other. Hindi ko nga alam kung matatandaan niya ang pangalan ko o naaalala lang iyon tuwing nababanggit ng iba. Yet he helped me when I faced a wall I cannot climb. He's not the kind to do it in his own volition so he probably do that because I'm a friend of Amanda. Gaya ng pakikisama ko sa kaniya kahit natotosta na ako sa nagbabaga niyang titig.

But it was not all that. I just thought I'd have to get along with him and I wanted to.

Nasira ang mukha niya pagkasubo ng pagkain. Nanlaki kaagad ang mga mata ko at naaalalang ako ang nagluto ng ulam ko ngayon. I subconsciously inched myself closer to him and lend a hand to get my accursed food. Napalingon na sa amin si Amanda at nabilaukan sa tubig na iniinom.

"Pasensiya na... Nakalimutan ko na ako pala ang nagluto ngayon!" Natataranta ko nang paumanhin. Bumaling ako kay Amanda para manghingi ng tulong. Nabilaukan siya ng pangalawang beses sa sinabi ko at ngayon ay nauubo na habang tumatawa!

"What?" Tumama ang matalim niyang titig sa akin.

His eyes were even a brighter shade now, almost lemon gold because of the light from the sun but it never looked soft. The fringe that has always been covering his forehead and eyes were brushed at the back of his crown. Ganoon ang ayos niya kung hindi ay nasa isang banda ng noo ang fringe. Unlike his devil-may-care guise in my sole little secret every midnight, he looks very responsible now. However, he's still the ever intimidating Noah Oliver.

Napatalon ako sa kinauupuan. Napagtanto kong napalapit ako ng upo sa kaniya, he's annoyed for sure.

"Huwag mo 'yang kainin. Ibalik mo na lang sa baonan ko."

"Bakit? You already offered it to me." He looks so offended while I still had my hand waiting for him to give it back. Tinanggihan niya iyon at sinubo ang pagkain. My mouth parted, I sighed in the end. It's not like I just made him take a poison. Minsan naman edible ang niluluto ko! Hindi nga lang raw masarap.

Baka pangit lang ang taste ni Noah? But I'm pretty sure his face contorted. I can't really predict him.

People who live for gossip in our school definitely have their eyes on Amanda and Noah. The unending speculations about the relationship between the two but none of them cleared it so anything under the sun was possible. Iba-iba ang paniniwala nila kung anong pagitan ng dalawa ngunit hindi ko na iyon inalala. I am closer to the both of them and I know what was going on. I can see both of them, in front of me, with my own eyes. What I am going to believe more was what I see myself rather than the groundless theory of the students. Kapag magpapaapekto ako ay mas lalo ko lang mararamdaman ang ilang habang pumapagitna sa kanila.

All I just have in my mind based on what I can see was that they've known each other since young... and I feel that I am not supposed to be here. Hindi naman sinabi ni Amanda na huwag na akong sumabay. Good thing because that would spare me time to overthink.

Dumating ako ng maaga sa paaralan at naunahan ko pa si Amanda. Nakikipag-usap na lang ako sa ibang mga kaklase ko na maaga rin sa classroom. We were talking about our assignments and group activities until the topic would stray to another. Sa huli ay napag-usapan na nila si Noah at tumahimik na ako dahil wala naman akong masyadong masabi.

"Ang tahimik niya nga eh. We were groupmates sa isang activity. Nagsasalita naman siya kapag tungkol sa activity pero kapag tinatanong ng kung anong personal, he would fell silent."

"Talaga? Eh bakit sumagot siya sa akin noong isang araw. I asked him about his family."

"Really? Ano ang sabi?"

"Ang sabi niya 'We're all separated'. He's so independent!"

Nagpantig ang tenga ko sa narinig. His parents also broke up and he was living alone? No wonder he kept on visiting the convenience store at owl hours.

Hindi na natapos ang papuri nila kay Noah dahil doon ngunit ni isang beses hindi ako nasiyahan sa naririnig na mga compliment. I've been there and still here. I am still struggling on my own but no one looked through it deeply. Palaging papuri ang natatanggap ko sa tuwing naririnig nila ang kuwento at pagkukumpara sa mga anak nila. "You should be like Georgina. She can live on her own." I was not happy about it and I am offended. Our struggles should not be romanticize and instead, they should sympathize. If you can't, stop glorifying it and shut up.

Before I could get irked by their topic, Noah's shadow casted on where we were. Humina ang boses nila hanggang sa binago na nila ang usapan. As if God knew I am about to get into a mess again, he stopped me and sent his favorite creation.

Napabuntong hininga ako at pinagalitan ang sarili. Right... I should not pour it on them. They do not know how it feels like to be in this spot so they wouldn't know how to sympathize. They must've thought that the compliments make us feel better to ourselves.

Hindi na ako nakahabol sa usapan nila kaya buryo akong bumaling sa ibang lugar. I caught Noah's eyes on me that I turned around to check if he was really looking at me. Baka naman lumulutang lang ang diwa niya at naiwang nakatutok sa akin ang mga mata? But it was not like that.

Tumayo siya at dumiretso sa likurang daanan. He turned around to look at me again and pointed outside with his thumb. Lumabas siya at hindi na ako binigyang pagkakataong maintindihan ang ibig niyang sabihin. I still went to find out what he wanted.

"Here." Kinuha niya ang kamay ko at inilapag ang isang bagay. I felt the chills crawling on me when his hot hand unintentionally caressed my palm. "You left your wallet at the convenience store."

"Huh?" Bumaba ang tingin ko at doon lang nakita ang pamilyar na pitaka. I have been looking for it everywhere! Mabuti na lang at may pera pa sa account kaya nag-withdraw na lang ako. "Ilang araw na 'yon ah! Hindi mo kaagad isinauli?"

"Yeah. I forgot." Tamad siyang nagkibit balikat. "Don't worry, I did not take even a peso and I did not open your wallet. You can check it before we go inside."

Tinitigan ko siya ng ilang saglit bago tumango at binuklat ang pitaka. It's not that I do not trust him but I just don't want him to think I am someone who's careless with her things. He would think of that if I let him slip away.

Inside was untouched, I expected this much so it did not really surprise me but I still appreciated that he respected these things. If he happened to pick someone else's lost wallet or anything, he would do the same. He saw that I was satisfied with it so he turned his back to walk away. Bago pa siya makaalis ng tuluyan ay hinawakan ko ang braso niya. I am still confused why he had to bring me outside!

Lumingon siya sa akin, masama ang tingin. His eyes dropped on my hand holding his. Nagbaba rin ang tingin ko roon at umakyat ang init sa pisnge nang mapagtanto.

Noah doesn't like people touching him! Sinabi 'yan sa akin ni Amanda at kahit hindi pa no'n sabihin sa akin ay malalaman din naman ng mga tao. We're not that oblivious not to notice his blatant refusal with people's acknowledgement and dallying in disguise of kindness.

Tila baga ang hawak ay kaagad ang pagbitaw ko sa kaniya. His eyes never left the arm that was touched.

"Bakit kailangan pang sa labas mo ibigay ang wallet ko? You could just give it to me inside our classroom."

"I don't like people to think that we're friends."

Nanlaki ang mata ko. I know that he might say that but it still surprises me.

"Huh? Hindi ba tayo magkaibigan?" Of course, we were not! But I am still hoping he would answer that we were! That he considered me as a new friend and he was just concerned if I don't like the idea!

"We aren't. You are Mandy's friend not mine."

"Mandy?" Nangunot ang noo ko. His body shifted in discomfort, umiwas siya ng tingin sa akin at marahang tumikhim. I suddenly felt bad for myself that my existence can make someone uncomfortable. I am trying to make him feel at ease by talking to him without detriment to his being.

"Ah..." Naiilang akong tumawa at ngumiti na lang. If he doesn't want to say it, I can't force him. But I don't have a friend whose name was Mandy. "If you feel uncomfortable with me, please tell me and don't force yourself."

"Amanda."

"Huh?"

"I said Mandy is Amanda. That's her nickname so I call her that," he said in a seemingly slow manner. Tumango ako at napabuntong hininga. So that's her nickname and I don't know about it.

"Oh, anong ginagawa niyong dalawa rito?" mababang boses ang sumalubong sa likuran ko. Ang kararating lang na si Amanda ay may kunot sa noo habang pabalik-balik ang tingin sa aming dalawa. "May secret meeting ba kayong dalawa?"

"What? Stop being ridiculous, Mandy!" Iritadong asik ni Noah. His brows furrowed, kulang na lang ay maging isang linya iyon. His ears were read when he avoided his gaze from us.

"Tinawag mo na rin akong Mandy. Mabuti naman. Nag-aalala sila Mama sa'yo na baka--

"Shut up. I am fine. I just don't want to say it here. I want to keep it private."

"Pero ayos lang kapag nandito si Georgina?" Bumaling sa akin ang tingin ni Amanda. I was probably wearing a stupid look right now because of confusion but I did not meddle into their little jabs and just stared at them confused. Sasabihin naman nila kung gusto nila pero mukhang gusto nga ni Noah ng privacy.

Tumingin sa akin si Noah. His face darken and was void with emotions yet it was not an eye when he's bored with anything but rather a deep gazing. Parang nilalamon nito ang pagkatao ko at binubulungan ako na mas lumangoy pa sa kailaliman.

"She had a stupid look on her face a while ago. Before she would think of crying for it, I'd rather tell her. Wala sa plano kong manlambing kaya ako nandito."

Huh...? Manlambing? Bakit naman niya ako lalambingin!?

Amanda bit her lower lip. Hindi rin niya napigilan ang kumakawalang tawa at napahalakhak na siya. Nakatitig lang sa amin si Noah at nahihiwagaan sa mga nangyayari. Amanda was laughing so hard while I was flustered and annoyed by the term he used. Hindi ko naman kailangan ng lambing! And he just said that we're not friends so why would he even think of it!