The Heart of a Soul

Chapter 10

It was already the day when we have to present and I have to use all my energy to ignore what was trying to pass in front of my eyes.

Nasa kabilang banda ako ng visual aid namin para sa parte ko sa reporting. Doble ang kaba ko dahil bukod sa kabang nararamdaman na baka magkamali sa sinasabi ay kahati ng atensyon ko ang dalawang taong nasa kabilang banda ko.

Tahimik si Amanda at sumisilip sa printout na dala. She will be speaking after I am done so she was trying to trace where I will stop. We already have our practice presentation the second time we met but Amanda was looking out in case I would be in trouble. Ganoon naman parati lalo na kapag magkagrupo kami o kapag magkapares kami sa isang activity. She would always look out for me. Alam niya ang kabang pumupuno sa akin sa mga ganitong sitwasyon. I always get anxious around people whose attention pinned on me. I was wondering what bad things they might see under my masks. She probably doesn't know I was thinking too much about it but she was always prepared to back me up.

I appreciate it however I am certain despite trembling right now, I will not mess this up. Hindi gayoong tutok si Noah sa akin habang nagsasalita ako. His face was blank but I took the message differently. He was definitely waiting for me to mess up so he could reprimand me wordlessly, with his piercing eyes! Mukha mang hindi interesado si Noah sa mga bagay-bagay ngunit hindi siya pabaya sa kaniyang pag-aaral. He was surprisingly studious and serious about his studies! Compared to Amanda, he was two times serious and strict. Sometimes, I can even see the resemblance.

Sa mga tao lang naman siya hindi interesado.

My part ended with silence. Kahit gaano naman kaganda ang presentation ko, iilan lang naman ang itutuon nang buo ang atensyon sa klase. That was why I gave up trying so hard back then. What's the use of trying so hard about something that most people don't even give their one percent to? And not even one percent of compliments for those who tries hard. People might think that I am solely driven by compliments and praises to work hard but isn't it also important? Some people were working hard for other people but don't even get the appreciation they deserve.

I only put my one hundred and more percent in writing where I won't need other people's eyes and lip-service. The words I put together when writing were compliments to the writer itself. It was satisfying, painful and any other feelings one cannot easily gain while working hard. You only get one or two feelings including the dreadfulness while I can become more of a human while writing.

Iyon nga lang pati iyon ay kailangan pang ipagkait sa akin ng magaling kong ina.

It was so hard to get the feelings I longed for, why was it so easy to feel anger towards anything that anchored us towards the things that we reached our hands to?

Naningkit ang mata ni Amanda at saglit siyang nahinto sa pagsasalita. Our teacher shifted on her seat with a raised eyebrow. Amanda was oblivious about the tension though and shrugged the agonizing silence. Binaliktad niya pa ang papel niya bago siya lumapit kay Noah.

"What is it?" I heard Noah's silent voice.

"Kulang ang printout na 'to. Hindi kumpleto ang sequence ko."

Tumingkayad siya nang kaunti para maabot ang tangkad ni Noah. She leaned a bit closer to him. Nakahawak ang kaniyang kamay sa balikat ni Noah para tumukod dito. Noah did not react against it and seemed to not mind it either. Sinuyod niya lang ang papel bago may itinuro sa bandang likuran, nahanap na marahil ang parte ni Amanda.

Our classmates were watching them closely. I can hear their tiny squeals while Amanda and Noah were oblivious of what was happening. Naghihintay lang ang teacher namin at nang magsalitang muli si Amanda ay nakakaintinding tumango.

"I'm sorry for the long pause, everyone. I will continue where I left off," ani Amanda na may siguradong ngiti. The pupils in her eyes were unwavering. She was certain of what she was doing.

Sumenyas lang ang guro namin na magpatuloy na siya sa naputol na presentasyon.

Wala ng hawak na papel ngayon si Noah dahil kinuha ni Amanda para sa reporting niya. Huli na rin naman si Amanda. Noah started the presentation. Tahimik lang siyang nakatayo roon at bahagyang nakayuko. His other shoes were playing the heel of his black shoes.

Nang mapagtanto sa sarili kung gaano ako katutok sa ginagawa niya lalo na simula noong dumikit sa kaniya si Amanda ay napailing ako. Sinusundan ko ang bawat maliliit na galaw niya at kahit ang boryong paglalaro niya ng sapatos habang hinihintay matapos ang reporting ay agaw-pansin sa akin.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin para sa huling pasada sa kaniya ngunit napadpad naman sa akin ang paningin niya. Our eyes met and I stood frozen from where I was. Ilang segundong huminto ang mga mata niya sa akin bago iyon bumaling sa mga kaklase ko. Nakakunot na ang noo niya at inayos niya ang pagkakatayo. Para bang dumaan ang iritasyon sa kaniya ngayong napapasadahan ako ng mga mata nang hindi sadya!

Our reporting ended with questions from my teacher. Pagkatapos ay nagtanong din siya sa ibang mga kaklase ko kung nakikinig ba sila. I was able to answer despite the obvious scruple I am feeling. Tapos na ang kaba ko para sa reporting ngunit nanatili ang mabilis na t***k ng puso ko sa ibang dahilan. Hindi ako iniiwan ng kaba nang mahuli niya akong nakatingin. I don't know if he think of it that way and he has me figured out but he was clearly irritated again!

Nang magtanghali ay hindi ako naunang lumapit kay Amanda para mag-aya. I am still determined to avoid close interaction with them. I don't want hurting and confusing myself. One more thing was because I was highly-affected by other people's words. No. It was the words that kept lingering inside me and made other people its voice to slap me upfront. Ngayon ay hindi ko na maiwasan ang mga salitang iyon kahit pagtakpan ko pa ang tainga at isipan.

Lumapit si Amanda sa akin ilang minute matapos nang hindi ko pagtawag sa kaniya. May dala siyang lunch box at nakakunot ang noo nang lapitan ako.

"Kakain na tayo. Bakit ka pa nakaupo riyan? Nanigas ba binti mo sa presentation kanina?"

I pursed my lips at her words. Umiling ako at naghanap ng katanggap-tanggap na palusot.

"Uh... hindi ako nagdala ng baon kaya naisip ko na sa cafeteria na lang kakain."

Napataas ang isang kilay niya at hindi ako tinantanan ng mapanuring tingin. Iniwas ko ang tingin ko sa kaisipan na hindi ako magaling magsinungaling at mahuhuli niya rin. It depends whether she let my lies slip or she would drag me against my will!

"Talaga?" she probed and I nodded full of conviction. Hindi naman siya matignan! Sino bang maloloko ko!?

Bumaling ang tingin ni Noah sa amin habang kagat-kagat ang stick ng lollipop. His face as usual was blank but when our gazes met, his expression immediately changed! Nag-iwas din ng tingin sa amin at nanatili ang kunot sa noo.

He really dislikes me! I wonder what kind demon possessed him that night when he sent me home... Siguro ay napilit lang ni Amanda. But he can just say no with a sneer on his face and Amanda would not bother forcing him. Kaunti lang ang pasensya ni Amanda para mamilit ng tao.

Kung tatanggi naman siya, sigurado ako na sasamahan ako ni Amanda pauwi sa halip na umalis na. Mas marami naman siyang alam kay Amanda kung talaga ngang malapit sila. He even knew her brother. He probably doesn't want Amanda to bother with someone like me that's why he took the first order.

"Hmm... May kasama kang kumain ng lunch?"

I bit my lower lip and did not answer her. Sumilip lang ako sa screen ng cellphone kung saan ko itini-text sina Frezie para may kasabay akong kumain.

Inilapag ni Amanda ang lunch box na dala sa table ko at tinanggal ang tali ng buhok. She tied her hair in a high ponytail just like the usual while watching me with criticizing eyes. I fiddled my hands nervously. Kanina ko pa tinext si Fretzie at hindi pa siya sumasagot. Among the girls, she's the fast replier. She would reply within a minute but it's been ten minutes already.

"Wala kang kasama?" Natapos na siya sa pagtatali ng buhok at hinila ang malapit na upuan sa tabi ko.

"Hindi pa sumasagot si—Oh!" Napaigting ako nang tumunog ang cellphone ko. A notification chimed in, it was from my inbox. Nag-reply na si Frezie!

From: Frezie

I am not at school. Absent.

Isang message niya na sinundan ng marami pa pagkatapos. My notification bell rang three more times for the new messages.

From: Frezie

Wala kang kasabay sa lunch?

From: Frezie

Si Amanda? Wala ba siya para sumabay sa'yo? Gusto mo pagalitan ko? Hahahaha

From: Frezie

Kung wala ka talagang kasabay, i-text mo sila Maria. Hindi ko lang alam kung sisilip ba ang mga 'yon sa inbox nila.

Pinagtaasan ako ni Amanda ng kilay para sa sagot na hinihintay. I sighed and shook my head. Mukhang hindi niya pa naunawaan ang iling ko kaya nagsalita na ako.

"Ako lang mag-isa." Gaya nga ng sinabi ni Frezie, malabong mabasa nila Maria ang message ko. They rarely check their inbox. Si Lyka naman ay siguradong kay Troy lang ang agad-agad na bubuksan. She will be preoccupied with him.

"Kung ganoon sasabay na lang—"

"Hindi na. Ayos lang namang kumain mag-isa." I immediately dismissed her.

Alam kong sasabihin niyang magsabay na lang kami at alam kong kasama na roon si Noah. It doesn't matter though whether it's Amanda or Noah I am with. Both of my worries crawled from their names. I just need to lessen the time I am with them so I could avoid doing anything rash. I don't want to cause them problems anymore. I don't want to cause myself problems that I cannot solve either.

Narinig ko ang pagtunog ng kabilang upuan. Tumayo si Noah at nagsimulang maglakad papalabas.

"Oliver!" Amanda called. Hindi siya nilingon nito at dire-diretso lang sa paglabas ng classroom. Amanda rolled her eyes, clearly annoyed after being ignored.

"Mauna ka ng mag-lunch—"

"Magsabay na tayo. Ayaw mong mag-isang kumakain," aniya at kinuha ang lunch box. She took my hand too and pulled me up.

Totoo na ayaw kong kumakain mag-isa. Kahit na sanay ng nag-iisa, ayaw ko na kung saan marami ang tao ay mag-isa pa rin ako. It would be lonesome. Ayaw ko ring kaawaan ako. Sa dami ng tao ay bakit mag-isa pa rin ako? No one was born to be alone. No one should.

Napabuntong hininga ako at nagpahila na lang sa kaniya. It was the first time that Amanda initiated it and I was the one trying so hard to reject it. Sa huli, mas magaling siyang mangumbinsi kaya napasama ako. Or it was more forceful. It was hard to say no.

Pag labas namin ay naroon pa pala si Noah! Nakasandal siya sa pader katabi ng bintana at nakapamulsa. Like a boyfriend waiting for her girlfriend. Bahagya siyang nakayuko at mukhang malalim ang iniisip. Pinaglaruan niya ang stick ng lollipop.

Amanda cleared her throat loudly.

Noah came back to his senses. Mukhang gulat pa siya nang mag-angat ng tingin sa amin. He brushed his gaze on me for a while before he averted his gaze and it landed on Amanda. Nakataas ang kilay nito at hindi pa rin naiibsan ang iritasyon kay Noah.

"Oh, bakit nandito ka pa? May hinihintay ka?"

Noah looked confused. Kumunot ang noo niya.

"Why are still here?" he unconsciously spat in an icy tone.

"Ah..." Napatango-tango si Amanda at mukhang natutunaw na ang iritasyon. Her face soften as she glances at me. "Magsasabay kaming kumain ni Gia sa cafeteria. Ikaw? May hinihintay ka?" It was not an innocent question but rather challenging. As if she knew what would be the answer and was challenging him to tell the truth.

Narinig ko ang iritadong asik ni Noah bago siya magsalita.

"Kakain," tipid na aniya bago kami tinalikuran. Sumunod kaagad si Amanda na dala-dala ako na parang baonan niya lang!

"Kakain? Hindi dito ang cafeteria, Oliver. Naliligaw ka ba?"

"Shut up, Mandy! Sasabay ako sa inyo."

"Namin? Sino?"

"Your friend, Georgina." Ilang segundo pa ang binilang ko bago ang sagot na iyon. He doesn't even want to say my name. He kept on referring me as Amanda's friend. Bilang ko lang kung ilang beses ko narinig ang pangalan sa boses niya.

Nagpalitan sila ng salita na hindi ko maintindihan kaya nanahimik na lang ako. I can't even laugh at something that seemed like a joke to Amanda because I don't understand anything about their conversation. Nagpapalitan sila ng salita na sila lamang ang may alam.

I felt out of place again.

Wala palang lunch si Noah kaya sabay kaming pumila habang naghihintay si Amanda sa table na napili namin.

Puno ang cafeteria ng mga estudyante. Being around Noah gave us advantage to snag a table. May katatapos lang kasing mga estudyante sa pagkain at mauunahan sana kami ngunit pinaubaya na lang nila sa amin. Of course, Noah was there and they were trying to get to his good side. He doesn't care about that though. He did not even utter the words thank you. His words were too expensive that even a thank you would cost a lot.

Ang yaman ko naman at suki ako sa sama ng tingin ni Noah.

Amanda started the conversation in the group. Hindi naman madaldal si Amanda ngunit sa aming tatlo ay siya parati ang nagsisimula at nagpapatakbo ng usapan. Nahihirapan naman akong kausapin si Noah at hindi naman nagsasalita si Noah. Kapag kami lang namang dalawa ni Amanda ay dumadaldal ako kapag may napag-uusapan at nakikinig lang siya sa akin at minsan ay binabara ako. I don't think I can talk like that with Noah. The conversationalist in me also died that day. Ibang katauhan na ang nabuhay sa loob ko.

I used to not care about things other people do that might affect me. Iniisip ko na makakahanap din ako ng kawala. If I'm trapped against the wall, I would just climb and jump over it. After the incident, I realize that I cannot escape everything that would cage me.

I started to doubt everything then. I'm afraid to not think too much about something and it would turn out to be my chains and shackles.

"You have ketchup on your face."

Nangunot ang noo ni Amanda at hindi tumugon sa sinabi ni Noah. Lumingon din ako kay Amanda at nakitang may ketchup nga sa baba niya.

"Saan banda?" tanong ni Amanda habang kinakapa ang mukha.

"Here," Noah touched his chin with his thumb, it was a lazy gesture.

Lumingon si Amanda sa akin at mukhang ayaw paniwalaan ang sinasabi ni Noah. My mouth parted, not knowing what to say. Napairap naman si Noah at nagbunot ng tissue mula sa tissue box na nasa mesa.

My heart pounded in a faster rate. I remembered the little gestures shared by them. It was all careless like they don't mind each other's skin at all. The pounding constricted my heart and choke me in pain. My breathings became limited.

Without a second thought, I cupped Amanda's face. Nagulat pa siya at nanlaki ang mga mata. I saw in my peripheral view that Noah was surprised too. Nalaglag ang hawak niyang tissue at nakaawang ang labi niya.

Hindi ko alintana ang ekpresyon nila sa kagustuhan lang na alisin ang masamang pakiramdam ng puso. I gently wiped the ketchup from Amanda's chin with my thumb. I was too focused on it that I failed to notice Amanda's growing smile. It eventually became a grin when I was already looking up.

But her eyes was not on me. Nakatingin siya sa likuran ko.

Narinig ko ang pagtikhim ni Noah. Umayod na ako sa pagkakaupo at nagsimulang magligpit ng pinagkainan. Nagliligpit na rin kasi si Noah. Nauna niyang pinulot iyong tissue na hindi ginamit. The tissues were swallowed by his clenched hand.

Bago kami makabalik ng classroom ay hindi pamilyar na mukha ang tumawag sa akin. They called me by my surname.

"Bautista!" may kalakasang boses na tawag noong nakataas ang kamay. May kasama siyang dalawa pang babae na nasa tabi niya lang at minamata ako.

"Sino 'yon? Kilala mo?" si Amanda at mukhang wala na sa timpla ang mukha habang tinitignan ang mga babae.

I shook my head lightly.

"Hindi pero puntahan ko na lang. Baka may importanteng sasabihin eh."

"Sasamahan ka na namin."

Hinawakan niya ang palapulsuhan ni Noah kahit wala naman itong ambang pag-alis. Noah was just looking at me intently like I was something to gobble up but my attention was on Amanda's hand on his wrist.

I wonder if I can be that close too...

Nagbuntong hininga ako at iniling ang mga naiisip. I should stop thinking that way. Nasa harap ko lang sila at ganiyan ang mga iniisip ko. I shouldn't have this conflicting feelings towards my friend. Towards someone who stayed and listened when I was in a slump. I don't even know much about her because she doesn't talk about herself. I should stop being selfish.

"Hindi na. Mauna na lang kayo. Baka ma-late kayo para sa susunod na subject."

Hindi ko na siya hinintay sumagot at naglakad na paalis. When I met the girls, they invited me somewhere else private to talk. Although it wasn't a secluded place. May mga tao pa rin naman na tumatambay roon. It wasn't an open place like the field though. It was more appropriate to talk in that place.

"Ano 'yong kailangan niyo sa akin?"

Nagkatinginan muna sila sa isa't-isa bago binigyan ang mga sarili ng kumbinsidong tango.

"Puwede bang tigil-tigilan mo na ang pagdikit sa dalawa?" 

Napaangat ang kilay ko pagkarinig ng sinabi niya. Wala pa mang pangalang nababanggit ay alam ko na ang tinutukoy nila. 

"Bakit ko iyon gagawin? They're my friends." I said, refusing to yield against their will. Napaatras iyong isa nilang kasama sa tono ng boses ko. Unlike how I usually am, I sounded difficult. Balak ko namang gawin iyon para na rin sa kapakanan ko at ng ibang tao ngunit ngayong ibang tao na ang nagsabi noon sa tonong nang-uutos, naiinsulto ako. After being insulted, I refuse to let their silent challenge pass. Bakit ko naman sila susundin gayoong ininsulto na nila ako?

"Talaga? Magkaibigan kayong tatlo? Hindi ba mukhang ikaw lang ang nagpupumilit sumiksik sa kanilang dalawa?" 

My forehead creased. I am scared of what I am about to hear because I know it would hurt me but right now, I just refuse to lose to. Sa halip na itaboy ang mga pangungutya nila na parang wala lang ay gusto ko pang makarinig ng marami. Maybe I'll find my newfound courage here after hiding for too long. 

Iyong palaging nagtatago ay tumatango lang sa gilid nila na para bang manika. Nakahawak siya sa braso noong kasama niya at mariin ang titig sa'kin, para bang binabantayan ang bawat magiging kilos ko. 

"It's obvious that Oliver and Amanda knows each other since then. Marami silang alam sa isa't-isa. They will probably become lovers soon if they're still not. Kaya huwag ka nang umasa pang makakakapit ka kay Oliver!" 

My lips parted at her words. I might be overthinking a lot about the three of us. The connection between Noah and Amanda. How people see me. However, it never crossed on my mind to use Amanda to cling on Noah. In the first place, before Noah even came, Amanda was already my friend.

Nalungkot ako roon at unti-unting humupa ang init ng determinasyon kong labanan sila. I am still a coward after all. I cannot get by everyday along the crowd without other people looking out for me.

"It doesn't matter if they know a lot about each other. Amanda is my friend. I will never... use her." My voice faded along with my strong conviction. Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang pinaglalaban ko ngayon at kung ano ang gustong malinis sa harap ng ibang tao. Gusto ko na lang na tumigil na sila sa spekulasyon. Ayaw ko ng paulit-ulit na pinag-iisipan nang masama ang kaibigan. Wala naman siyang ginawa sa akin. Being a friend of Noah should not be a sin. And me being a friend of Amanda shouldn't be a crime too.

Natawa sila sa sinabi ko at hinampas pa ang isa't-isa. Naagaw na namin ang atensyon ng ibang estudyanteng naroon dahil sa ingay nila. There were whispers everyday that probably amounted to how pity I looked right now. Kaharap ang mga babaeng malaki ang kumpyansa sa sarili ang alam ang gustong ipadaan sa akin. 

"I can't help but pity Amanda. May ahas na kaibigan na unti-unting gumagapang kay Oliver."

"She should start looking for friends. 'Yong hindi siya gagamitin lang."

Nagtawanan ulit sila. I don't know what to feel anymore. Hindi ko na magawang mainsulto o magalit sa kanila. I cannot even also set my thoughts straight to what I should fight for right now. Naiintindihan ko naman ang pinupunto nila ngunit bakit ako...

"You don't even like Amanda..." mahina at mababang saad ko na nagpatigil sa kanila. 

"What?"

"Ayaw niyo nga kay Amanda noong wala pa si Noah. She never wished for friends but that doesn't mean you can't be friends with her. Pero walang nagtangkang kumaibigan sa kaniya. Ngayong nandito si Noah, bakit ang lakas ng loob niyong umasta na para bang concerned kayo sa kaniya?"

Napaawang ang labi nila at saglit na hindi nakapagsalita. I seemed to have frightened the crowd because the whispering ceased. Hindi makatingin sa akin ang iba. I was looking straight ahead. I just found something I wanted to say. I don't know if it will make sense but these are the words I have longed kept in my mind. It might not be the right time to say these but I cannot keep them bottled any longer or I will explode.

"Kung iniisip niyong ginagamit ko si Amanda para mapalapit kay Noah, hindi ba ganoon din kayo?"

"Anong pinagsasabi mo, Bautista? That is not our intention--"

"Kung ganoon bakit kailangan niyo akong guluhin? You were trying to take me out of your sight because you think it is easier to break in Noah's walls with Amanda. Aren't you all just scared of my existence?"

Nagsinghapan sila. Umambang susugod sa akin ang isa sa galit ngunit pinigilan siya ng kasama. The three of them spat me angry glares.

"Takot sa'yo? Sino ka ba para matakot kami sa iyo? You are just an outsider! You don't even belong here! Palagi ka na lang nakikisiksik. You don't belong anywhere!"

Ako naman ang napasinghap sa salitang binitawan niya. They knew where to hit the bruises.

Hindi ko magawang tanggihan ang mga salitang iyon. I know those words were my perfect fit. That they belong to me. They were for me. 

Bigo lang akong tumango at napabuntong hininga. I am tired of hearing those words from myself then other people just had to say it out loud.

"You're right. I don't have anywhere to belong. Nakikisiksik lang ako." I bit my lower lip to stop myself from trembling. "Pero hindi ko ba puwedeng gawin iyon? I was just trying to survive. Everyday's been difficult to me. I always felt alone. Hindi ba puwedeng... kahit saglit lang maramdaman kong may kasama?"

Naramdaman ko ang pagtulo ng isang butil ng luha mula sa mata ko. Napamaang ang mga babae sa nakita at hindi nakapagsalita. One of the girls wandered her eyes and it stopped in one place. Nakaawang ang labi niya at mukhang natatakot sa nakikita. 

I heard Amanda's voice broke afterwards.

"Gia!" 

Nilingon ko siya at biniyan ng pagak na ngiti. She shook her head and tried to walk towards me.

"Diyan ka lang, Amanda. Hindi pa ako tapos."

Nilingon ko ulit ang tatlo para sa mga kasunod na gustong sabihin. 

"Alam kong gusto niyo si Noah. To me, it doesn't look like you are protecting Noah and Amanda. It seemed to me like you were just trying to get rid of me because I am an easy prey."

One of them lowered her head in guilt while the two girls averted. The anger remained in their eyes but they cannot say anything more to me. Ako na ang magsasabi lahat ng nakikita ng mga mata. If they're that oblivious, I am not!

"Tama naman kayo. I like Noah, too. Even before you all get to know his existence. I like him before any of you did but I never kept him to myself! Bakit kayo lang ang puwedeng magkagusto sa kaniya? Bakit kapag ako, nagagalit kayo?" 

I gritted my teeth, angry to my own tears. Unti-unti ng nagsibagsakan ang sumunod na grupo. 

"Hindi ko naman siya aagawin eh..." My voice broke. "I know I cannot reach him. That he can't be mine. I know my place. I just... want to be free about my feelings."

Nilingon ko si Amanda. 

"I'm sorry, Amanda. Gusto ko rin si Noah."

Napatakip siya ng bibig at hindi makapaniwala sa mga salitang binitawan ko. I smiled at her helplessly. I just wished she would stop pitying me over these things. I hope she won't get the wrong idea. My intention was not for her to give me everything she has. Gusto ko lang sabihin ang mga iyon. Gusto ko lang aminin nang malakas sa ibang tao at sa sarili ko. I accepted it and willing to move forward.