Myla's Depression

Kabanata 6

Boss

Nakatingin ako kay Charlotte ngayon at alam kong namumula ako dahil sa kahihiyan. Nakahiga ako sa isang malambot na kama at tinititigan din ako ni Charlotte.

She said I fainted a while ago and she got very worried. At sobrang nahihiya ako ngayon sa kanya. I can't even imagine that I fainted a while ago! At sa harap ng bagong workmates ko?

We're here inside the private clinic of this company at kakaalis lang ng nurse-in-charge.

Hindi ako makapag isip ng maayos sa tuwing naaalala ko na nakita ako ng mga magiging katrabaho ko na nahimatay. Ano na ang mukhang ihaharap ko sa kanila? Ngunit ang mas iniisip ko ngayon ay kung bakit ako nahimatay kanina, dahil kay Travis.

Napapikit ako at hinawakan ang kamay ni Charlotte. "I'm so sorry, Charlotte.." I told her sincerely.

"Bakit ka nagsosorry? M-May kailangan ba akong malaman?" She asked. Napakalambing ng boses niya na parang kinukumbinsi niya ako na magsabi ng totoo. Hindi muna ngayon.

Yumuko ako dahil ko alam ang sasabihin ko. Should I tell her about my situation? Paano pag tawanan niya ako?

Tama nga si Chad, apektadong apektado pati ang trabaho ko. Mali yata ang pananatili ko dito.

Travis is here at magiging ka trabaho ko siya. Really?

I was planning to totally forget him but what the hell just happened? Paano ko na siya makakalimutan ng tuluyan kung magiging katrabaho ko siya? Ibig sabihin ay makikita ko siya araw araw! And I don't want that.

"Charlotte.." I looked at her. "I'm sorry about what happened. Nakakahiya." Napailing ako.

I think I really need a Psychiatrist right now. My mind is okay but my responses are different. Ma'am Irene was right.

Nakita kong sumeryoso ang mukha ni Charlotte. "Okay lang naman, I can be your friend. You can to tell me your problem. Kaninang umaga ka pa hindi mapakali."

I sighed. I don't even know how to tell her.

"If you're thinking about what happened, it is okay. Naiintindihan ka nila, I told them you just arrived yesterday.."

Dahil sa sinabi niya ay napayuko ako. Mas lalo akong nahiya dahil iyon nga ang iniisip niya, iniisip niyang nahimatay ako dahil sa pressure. But that's not the reason why!

"May problema ka ba?" pangungumbinsi na naman niya sa akin.

Nag-angat ako ng ulo at tinitigan siya. I know to myself that I can trust her.

"Si Travis De Guia.." Tumikhim ako dahil parang may nakabara sa lalamunan ko. Damn, it's just his name!

Napakunot ang noo niya. "You know him? Siya ang sumalo sayo kanina. Mabuti nga at hindi ka nauntog.."

Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. If she only knew! Sinalo ako ni Travis? Then that was more embarrassing.

"May.. nakaraan kami."

I held Charlotte's hand and started to tell her everything. I know I just met her but I just need someone to help me right now. I can't do this alone dahil sanay na akong laging dinadamayan ni Chad. I can't be alone, baka mas lalo lang lumala ang kalagayan ko.

I told Charlotte everything, simula sa panliligaw niya sa akin. Well, it was not detailed pero basta alam niya kung ano ang mga nangyari at kung bakit ako nahimatay kanina.

"That's shocking.." Opinyon ni Charlotte nang marining niya ang kwento ko.

Huminga ako ng malalim. Bilib na talaga ako sa sarili ko dahil nasabi ko kay Charlotte ang mga ginawa sa akin ni Travis. It was not that hard to tell her everything, the hard thing was the pain traveled on my chest when I was telling her what happened. It was all coming back, the pain and hatred.

I nodded but I didn't say anything back to her. Kitang kita ko sa mukha niya ang pagkagulat at pagkalito.

But I know it was just a normal reaction from a girl. Ikaw ba naman ang mapaghigantian ng lalaking akala mo mahal ka?

"Mr. De Guia just entered the company last week tapos.. ano ito?" She looked at me with her creased forehead. "Alam kaya niyang dito ka pupunta? Kasi mukhang hindi man lang siya nagulat kanina."

I shook my head. "I don't know."

Hindi ko talaga alam kung nagkataon lang ba na nandito siya o planado na naman niya. But why? I thought he's done with his plans already?

And he is a fresh photographer? Paano? Eh iba ang kurso naman ang natapos niya!

"Sorry. I don't know how to react. Thank you sa tiwala mo. I think we need to look for a good Psychiatrist today.." I can feel her sincerity, again.

I don't know what to say. What is happening to me? My body was reacting too much and I hate it. 

"So uuwi na tayo sa condo?" She asked.

Tumango lang ako. Hindi ko alam pero nakaramdam ako ng pangungulila, I realized that I missed my Mom.

When will I see them? Miss ko na din si Amy at si Kuya. Hindi kami masyadong close ni Kuya pero parang gusto ko silang makasama ngayon. Is this the extreme sadness that Ma'am Irene was talking about before? I don't want this.

We went back to our condo immediately. I didn't bother to show my face again to the employees, nahiya na ako.

Charlotte drove us back, ayaw daw niyang magdrive ako dahil baka mahilo ako. While on our way to our condo, nag usap kami sa mga nangyari sa akin. She has told me a lot of advices and she even concluded that maybe Travis still loves me. Which made me cringed. Travis still loves me? No, that's not possible because since the beginning, he did not love me. Kahit katiting. Parte lang ng paghihiganti niya iyon.

Nang makauwi na kami ay agad kong sinabihan si Charlotte na magpapahinga muna ako. I also thanked her for her time and her advices.

I went straight to my bedroom. This feeling is very foreign to me, I easily get stressed and worried.

Nang maisip ko si Chad ay agad ko siyang tinawagan. Siya lang ang pwede kong mahingan ng tulong ngayon. I need him.. I need to talk to him.  I need to know what would be my next move.

"Kumusta?" Salubong ni Chad sa akin nang sagutin niya ang video call ko. He was in their living room, kitang kita ko iyon dahil sa background niya.

"I just came from the office, at sobrang nakakahiya." I closed my eyes when I remembered what happened.

He chuckled. "Bakit naman nakakahiya?"

My God! If he only knew.

"He is here Chad and I don't freaking know what to do. I need you here."

Huminga ako ng malalim. I need to tell him immediately at ayokong magpaligoy ligoy pa. I would just prolong my agony if I won't tell him now.

Biglang sumeryoso ang mukha niya. "What? Who's there?"

I sighed. "Travis is here, Chad. His Condo unit is just beside mine. And he's currently working at LP too." Sinabi ko na lahat sa kanya ang mga kailangan kong sabihin dahil ayoko talagang tumagal pa.

"Oh s**t! Are you sure?" Malutong na mura niya.

"I am very sure. Charlotte introduced me to him, and I saw him early this morning beside my condo. Chad, I need you to help me."

Tumikhim si Chad at alam kong problemado din. "Eh, teka.. Did you feel anything when you saw him?" Nakita ko ang pag aalangan sa mukha niya.

Huminga ako ng malalim. "It's getting worst, Chad. Nahimatay ako kanina sa opisina! Nakakahiya." Like what I promised myself, sasabihin ko lahat sa kanya.

Narinig ko ang paghinga niya ng malalim. I was expecting him to laugh but he didn't.

"Have you changed your mind?" He asked.

"Changed my mind about what?" Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tinutukoy niya.

"If you really want to stay there. I can still talk to Tito Leo."

I closed my eyes. I didn't think about backing out pero sa sinabi niya ay parang gusto kong mag alsabalutan ngayon din at uuwi na sa Pilipinas o kaya naman ay babalik sa Paris kasama ni Chad.

"Do you want to come back here? I'll try to tell Tito Leo. " narinig ko na naman  ang seryosong boses ni Chad.

I was caught off guard. What would I choose? What would I do?

Napailing ako. "I don't know, Chad. I don't want to waste this opportunity but.." Napasinghap ako. How can I tell him that I am very scared? "I'm scared .." Pag amin ko na din sa huli. There's no point in hiding things, ayokong lumala ang kalagayan ko.

"Of him?" He asked.

Nalito din ako. "I don't know. I'm just scared, dahil baka may gawin na naman siya sakin. O baka hindi pa siya tapos sa plano niya sa akin. I am scared of everything, Chad."

"I know you are. You need a psychiatrist as soon as possible, diba sabi mo maghahanap ka agad? Meron na ba?" Pagpapaalala niya.

Tama siya, kailangan ko na ngayon iyon. Kung noon ay hindi ako masyadong naniniwala kay Ma'am Irene, ngayon ay kailangan ko na. Because I can see signs now!

But how can I get better if I will always be seeing him at work? Yes, I can avoid him here in our codo but at work? No, I doubt.

But no. Pinilig ko ang ulo ko. Kailangan kong mag isip ng mabuti kung ano ang gagawin ko.

"Chad, I don't really know what to do." Hinaing ko sa kanya dahil nalilito na din ako sa sarili kong desisyon.

Halos mamasa masa na ang mga mata ko dahil sa kakaisip. Naiisip ko na naman kung anong gagawin ko kapag nakita ko si Travis. Everytime he gets near me, I feel weak. How could he affect me like that? Hindi iyon normal!

"I'm so sorry about this. I don't even know what to say, Myla. Ang gusto ko ay bumalik ka dito pero ayaw mo naman."

"I know. I'm sorry for bothering you. I just need someone to hear me."

"Okay lang naman. Call me anytime and it will be fine."

Nag usap pa kami ni Chad ng ilang minuto at nagkwento ako sa kanya sa kabila ng nararamdaman ko. He's right, I need to relax. Hindi ko dapat ipakita kay Travis na apektado ako. If he's here to work, then I am here for my job too.

Buong maghapon akong nag isip kung anong gagawin ko, I need to loosen up. I love my job and I can't lose it because of Travis. I need my job and I can't just lose myself because of a guy. That's just pathetic.

After a long night of thinking, I came up with a better plan. I will start working next week and I promised myself not to mind Travis at all, that's the only effective way I know, to just ignore him.

I would just act as if nothing had happened between us, dapat ay normal lang kagaya ng ibang mga katrabaho ko. Iyon naman ang gusto niya.

I know it would to be very hard but I have to do it.

Isang mahabang linggo na ang nakalipas at nakapag adjust na ako sa weather at sa lahat. Hindi ko kailanman ulit nakita si Travis sa building ng condo namin ni Charlotte and I thank God about that.

I already started working and I did well on my first day, sinigurado ko kasing magiging maayos ang unang araw ko para hindi na nila maalala ang pagkahimatay ko noon.

Charlotte's office was just beside mine. Hindi ako pumayag noong sinabi niyang pwede akong lumipat sa opisina ng CEO. Of course I don't want that!

Kakaunti lang ang mga nagtatrabaho dito sa opisina at kayang kaya kong ememorya ang mga pangalan nila, mabuti na lang.

Ayon kay Charlotte, on-call daw ang trabaho ng ibang mga empleyado at kasama na doon si Travis. Travis is a model too and some companies are hiring him.

Hindi ko naman iyon tinanong pero sinabi ni Charlotte. Nagtaka ako kung paano niya nalaman pero sabi niya ay sinabi daw ni Travis iyon noon sa interview niya. I just shrugged my shoulders when she said that. Travis would not be working everyday, so I won't be seeing him everyday. That's a relief.

They suddenly assigned me some work. Kahapon ay may sinabi na silang gagawin ko. Pero hindi iyon masyadong toxic dahil papakinggan ko lang mga proposals ng mga ka team ko.

May mga client din daw na makikipag meeting sa amin. They need our help.

Before going home ay kumain kami ni Charlotte sa Byblos. I don't want to go home early anyway dahil baka puro pag iisip na naman ang gagawin ko.

We talked about her life and mine. Sinabi ko na Tito ng kaibigan ko ang may ari ng LeoPhoto. Sinabi ko din na wala akong kasama sa Pilipinas kaya ako nag work abroad.

"Pero kumusta naman ang pakiramdam mo?"

Nagkibit balikat ako. "Better, I think. I've decided not to mind Travis. I won't let him affect me. I'll be okay." I will try. Bulong ng isip ko.

"So hindi mo na kailangan ng psych?" She asked.

"I think so, Charlotte."

I've been googling this past few days on how to handle my condition without any psych or therapist. At nagpasalamat ako na may mga remedies. Healthy habits like, jogging, walking, having more friends and many more.

"Well, that's good. Pero sabihan mo lang ako kapag may nararamdaman ka. I can help. At para hindi ka ma stress, we'll go clubbing sometimes." Sabi niya. Oh, she has that side too?

"Of course. I like that." Natatawa kong sabi. At least, I'm a bit happy now. Hindi na ako masyadong nag iisip ng kung anu ano.

Pagkatapos naming kumain ay umuwi na din kami.

"Sleep well. We need to go early at work tomorrow for the clients and our team's proposals." Charlotte reminded me before entering her condo. Hinintay ko munang maisara niya ang pinto niya bago ako umalis.

Nakangiti akong naglalakad papunta sa may pinto ko nang may pumalakpak sa likuran ko.

I got startled so I promptly turned my back to see who was it. Para akong tinakasan ng kulay nang makita ko ang lalaking naka leader jacket. Travis.

Tumigil siya sa pagpalakpak nang makuha na niya ang atensyon ko.

Biglang lumakas ang t***k ng puso ko. No, not again please. I promised myself to be more tough now.

"So you're my boss now? Interesting." Sabi niya at parang wala lang na nilagpasan ako.

Naglakad siya at iniwan akong nakatalikod.

Narinig ko ang pagbukas sara ng pinto niya na alam kong katapat iyon ng pinto ko. Hindi ko namalayan na namamasa na naman ang mga mata ko dahil sa mga luhang nagbabanta.

Naramdaman ko din ang panginginig ng kamay ko.

Bago pa ako tuluyang manginig ay ngumiti ako at pinunasan ang namamasa kong mga mata. Be strong, Myla!

Kinagat ko din ang mga labi ko para hindi ako mapasinghap.

It's okay, Myla. Be strong, you're just lonely. Bulong ko sa sarili ko.