For You

All That's Left

What if we could change every single thing we have been doing wrong? What if life would have given us the opportunity to change every decision we made rashly in order to make the reality more better, more stronger?

Unfortunately, this was no Sci-fi movie I have watched so far. I was talking about my own life. How I wish to return back to the day where it all started.

I should have told her slamming my fist to the locker door, acting more manly, getting that thing out of my chest, '' No! I am not okay Abby. I am not okay with whatever you want to start with my best friend. Because I don't want to lose him. I can't live without him being a part of my life. ''

Now all that's left is just that dream I wish I could make real throwing those specific words on her face. Then maybe, he would still be with me. Maybe things wouldn't be so complicated. But reality doesn't include these words 'Maybe' and 'What if'.

I had no plan to lose my best friend. But, I knew it might happen someday and I turned it to some day we may never see each other again.

I was hopeless at that point. I just stood there like a ghost. It was like the words were jammed inside my throat making a home and nothing could quenched it down. I was crawling in pain. Because, now I know that it's not his. Now, how am I able to make my heart understand that he still loves me?

''Ellie, say something?''

Alex stares into my despairing eyes to look for my emotion. So, much emotion I wasn't able to get out. I exhale a huge heavy breath.

The car horn was heard as I look behind Alex to see the car parking in front of my yard. My dad walks out of the cab looking at me astonished.

'' Ellie dear? Why aren't you ready yet? ''

I thought Alex would be surprised but I couldn't see that definite reaction on his face. Like I said, he knew everything, everything and yet he wasn't doing anything for me.

'' Yeah dad. Just give me a couple of minutes. '' I say in a low pitch voice as I get myself inside the house. My dad talks to the cab driver explaining him something and Alex stands there thinking probably if he should follow me or not . The moment I head inside my room I hear the front door shut. Alex ran to my room barging in.

''Ellie talk to me!'' he demanded.

I don't speak anything or bother to look at him. I continue to open my cupboard door.

'' Ellie!'' he shouts again and this time I face him. I dare to stare into his eyes while my mouth said nothing.

'' Are you seriously giving me a silent treatment right now? ''

I froze. How could he think that? The only reason I wasn't talking to him was because I was scared that I would reveal the truth that is stuck on my mind .

'' You should leave, Alex. '' I say locking that anger inside me.

'' Really? You wanna leave even though you know everything . You know it's not his. Then why Ellie? What's the point of leaving? ''

I don't answer rather I continue to open my cupboard throwing the hangers on my bed. He came forward to me interrupting and turns me around to see me more clearly.

'' I want an answer Ellie. Why are you leaving, when you know the main reason for you to leave doesn't exist anymore? ''

He didn't know why I wanted to leave. He just assumed it's for the baby. I don't blame him. Because, that's what I thought myself too. But, not after what happened last night. Because last night Dave told me something and I know I have a very solid reason to leave.

At first my mind was whining telling my heart it's for the baby's good. My heart was losing it's faith and I wanted it to feel that too. But, after what I heard today, my mind is spot dead. There's is no Dave's baby. Then why? Why am I trying to run away?

'' I know what you are trying to do, '' he says as he walked backward disbelieving his own words .

'' This is a revenge for you right?''

He gives me a tortured laugh mixed with a bitterness unknown to me .

'' I know why you told me Alex. '' I finally get the words out of me.

'' I get it, you love her and you don't want Dave in your way. ''

He guessed I finally understood.

'' You want me to take Dave away out of her life. You want to use me as a bait. ''

He sighs in anger.

'' But I am sorry I won't do that. I won't do that to him. ''

'' Why? '' he crossed his arms with blind rage illustrated on his face.

'' Because... '' I stop thinking if I should say it. If I should reveal the truth.

'' Because what dammit! '' He outbursts in anger as he punched my wall hurting himself . I jumped that second in fear.

'' You know what? I was wrong. You never loved him. Because if you did you would have tried your best level to get him back. ''

He was provoking me and it was working. My eyes flooded with tears when he said I didn't love him. I was racked in pain.

'' Am I wrong Ellie? '' He questions still searching for my answer.

'' No. You are right. I don't love him. I never did. '' I lie with a shattered voice as the tears descended streaming down on my cheeks.

'' Ellie! Just stop it! ''

He calms himself down.

'' Why are you doing this? What's stopping you from him? '' He asks coming closer but this more gently.

'' This isn't the Ellie Daniels I remember. The girl who admitted in the canteen bravely that day. The girl.. ''

Before he finishes the sentence I watch dad standing at the door. I swept the tears quickly.

'' Ellie, we don't have much time. You mom's at the airport waiting to bade you . ''

He turns to Alex, '' Alex, boy give her some space to change and then finish your last goodbye. '' He says leaving while Alex turns his feet around to follow him respecting .

I shut my door hard as soon they leave . I try to tame my mind. I know what I am doing and I know it's right.

I change into a simple plaided shirt tucking it inside my ripped blue jeans. I let my hair open because I didn't have enough time to tie it. My hair which was mocha colored with little golden streaks at the end was effortlessly spread all over shoulders. Lastly, I use the mascara to highlight my sore eyes. I get out to see Alex standing at the door.

'' Where's dad? '' My voice sounded more shallow.

'' He's outside. '' he answers.

I try to open the door but he caught hold of my hand ceasing me.

'' Ellie why are you doing this? ''

'' Is this for me? To hurt me? '' He was saddened.

'' No, Alex. '' I look into his ocean blue eyes which still at that color red scattered in it.

'' I am not doing it for you or for him. I am doing it for all of us. '' I reply getting my wrist out of his clasp.

I open the door as the sun fell brightly on my face. Dad had already put the suitcases in. My cheerless eyes were glassy enough to make dad understand the circumstances . He entered to sit in the back as he talked to me in a hurried tone through the opened door, '' Ellie, Are you coming? '' As if he knew I was avoiding Alex who could have hold me back.

Alex had his gaze stuck on me and I tore mine from him to focus on the other life I was about to begin . I climb inside and as I get ready to close the door I wait a second to look back at everything. This wasn't the moment to change my mind. This wasn't a movie where in the end the guy gets his girl back. This was my reality. A reality I created myself.

The car starts as I inhale a massive amount of air fulling myself with hopes. We leave the ground but my mind was still at that place. My heart aching so badly like it had ever been.

Something happened that night. Besides that we ruined the friendship completely by crossing the line , something else happened.

I was playing with his hair running down my fingers in them.

'' Dave? '' I whisper as he hummed with a pout, '' Mm ? ''

'' What if the baby... ''

I stop not acquiring the confidence.

'' What if the baby is yours? ''

He was playing with the a Rubik's cube and listening to my question he had stopped. He got his head out of my lap which had been lying there for a long time making my legs numb. But, still I couldn't refuse to get that touch and the sense of comfort I rely on.

He woke up to sit beside me drawing his head more closer to mine.

'' Then, I will try my f*****g best to give that baby the things I never got. ''

His eyes glistened like the stars I used to envy during stargazing, making my heart cripple in grave pain.

I payed attention to his words silently .

'' You know Ellie! You know everything about me. You know how much I wanted that man in my life, '' He says as he held my hands giving it a little squeeze .

Never have I felt this defeated.

Never have I experienced such agony.

I see the determination in him. I see where he's getting at.

'' Of course, I do. '' I reply giving him the warm smile he needed .

My mind had this all questions. Maybe this recondite sparkle added in his brown eyes isn't for the baby. Maybe he loves her. Maybe he won't come back to me. Maybe I will be lonely, the lonely me without my best friend, I was always terrified of.

Ifs and Maybes had somehow been to a point where I decided that I have a solid reason to take this step. A step, a life, a reality without Dave.

*play the song *

I was in the car looking at the time as the song backtracked my mind. The driver starts the car as my heart beats rose up. I feel dad's eyes on me. He said nothing. Because, he believed me, he believed in my decision. We left the place while my eyes roamed around the empty streets. I was hallucinating Dave and me walking down together, holding hands and giggling. Like the days we walked to school together.

He's still at school waiting to see me. My head was visualizing me there like my soul is actually there, there with him. Me talking to him secretly in class . Me and him having our lunch sitting on the school's rooftop. Me and him pushing each other into the pool at stranger's parties. Me and him in my room talking about our future. Me and him lying on my rooftop counting stars together. Me and him everywhere, just us. Now, all of them are just leftover imaginations in my head. Now, all that's left is just memories . Memories I love. Memories I have captured in my soul. Memories of him and I.