You Light The Way

December 2018 “Kalix, are you available today? I want to buy something in the mall, but our driver isn’t here,” I asked Kalix over the phone as I combed my jet-black hair.  “Babe, who’s that?” I suddenly stopped what I’m doing as I heard a girl's voice in the background. “Just a friend, babe, go back to the table,” Kalix replies to the girl I assumed was his girlfriend. “Tell her we're on a date, isturbo,” the girl on the line added with an angry tone. “I’m sorry, Astra, I’m busy right now. Call you later,” and he quickly ended the call. I couldn't process what had happened; was that the reason he had become distant because of his girlfriend? It makes me wonder why he suddenly neglected my calls and texts, but it now appears clear to me that it is because he has found someone more deserving of his attention. Unaware of the situation, my heart ached; I couldn't bear the thought of losing him. I expected him to stick by my side, but now he has someone to love and manages to disregard me as if I didn't exist. My mood shifts abruptly, and my head hurts. Why is it so painful when we're only friends? Why am I upset now that he has a girlfriend? Is it just because he betrays me by not informing me what's happening in his life right now? Or is it because I've unintentionally loved him? I throw everything I've seen on my study table; I'm not too fond of this emotion, and I don't want it. The agony and the thought are awful, and one way to help me calm down is to s***h my wrist to divert myself. I took out my cutter and began doing my regular cure; I didn't feel any pain as I began cutting my skin; is this because I've grown accustomed to it, or is it because heartache is a more superior agony? I felt numb as blood began to trickle on the floor, but that didn't stop me from cutting deeper, like if my flesh were paper. As I began to feel pain, fury, and betrayal, my head became spinning. A continued knock on the door waken my senses, but I didn’t mind it. “Ma’am Astra, buksan mo ang pinto. Nag-aalala na ako sayo? Buksan mo si Yaya at pag-usapan natin yang problema mo,” my nanny’s shouted from the back of my door. But I don't have the strength to stand up anymore, the blood keeps dripping, and my body weakens as minutes pass by, and I can't even mutter a word anymore. My eyelids have begun to droop as I begin to lose consciousness.  “Help” that’s what I should’ve wanted to shout, but the words only remain in my head. I awoke in a strange room. Later, as I scanned the room, I realized I was in the hospital because of the white paint, white drape, and the strong odors of medicine.  “Astra, you’re awake!” a man in his 40’s exclaimed merrily. “Don’t do that again, Astra, don’t give us a heart attack,” my mom scolded me. “Your nanny's blood pressure rises. Thank goodness the driver was there to assist her in saving you.”  “What’s your problem? Why do you have to cut yourself again? You know we’re not the same close-minded parents anymore. It would be best if you learned to reach out from people----from us,” daddy said in a deep and concerned voice. “I’m sorry,” it’s all I could say, as I’m not yet ready “Have you taken your vitamins?” mommy asked curiously. “Yes” “Good,” she said as she pats my head. “When did you came back?” I asked because they’re currently residing in the US as our business grows there. “In the morning, you see, we still have a jet-lagged, we haven’t taken a rest yet because you made us so worried, good thing there’s still available flight from the US to the Philippines,” my mom said “Mommy, I want to stay in the US with you two. I’ll come with you when you go back there,” I utter as my throat started to get a lump. I have no reason to stay here anyway. “Are you sure?” Mom asked as she knows how I always refuse her every time she asked me to stay in the US with them. “What happened between you and Kalix?” Mom asked meaningfully. “Nothing, I just want to live with you” I smiled to hide some emotions in my eyes. If forgetting me is your plan Kalix, then be it.