feeling like life is on hold right now everything is a process and taking time there is light at the end of the tunnel hopefully
2725 Words
I am strong believer that I could achieve anything but I know that there's always going to be blockage that's going to try to stop everything that's coming my way life is what you make of it and like I have always got both saying that this life I've been living it could be like a lifetime movie I'm so serious about that I never thought that everything would have changed over the years when I lost my person things change so quickly drastically I wasn't prepared I didn't want to believe that I will be a widow but I am she been gone for 3 years now and I'm still mourning her although I have been talking to someone else but I still will always remember her she was my everything and we were supposed to grow old together and live happily ever after blessing happy but like I always say there's no expiration date on what we going to leave here and God was ready for her to leave I wasn't ready for her to go nowhere but God said he wanted her and he took her but you know what she didn't suffer cuz the way that she passed her heart stopped there was no more blood beating and her heart anymore and I'm happy that wasn't in the hospital when she died she didn't have no tubes in her or nothing like that she just had her CPAP but she didn't have it on like normally she have it on when she go to bed at night but early that morning on June 12th 2020 she woke me up and said babe I can't breathe those were the last words that I ever heard her say again I took action of course but when I look at her her mouth was called shut eyes were shut tightly thank goodness my daughter was there at the time and I yelled for her call 911 we get on the phone but the operator and she telling us what to do until the ambulance arrive when that happened immediately they start working on her as if you will see how they work in a movie or show what they trying to bring somebody back to life I'll watch them work on her they never got a pulse or heart rate they had told me that they about to drive her to the hospital immediately I call her sister on the phone to come to the house so I can tell her what happened and I told her we went to the hospital right away and went to check and see how things was going with her all I can remember is the two doctors coming out coming to get me I said we need to go in the family room I want to know with them and then that's what they told me like we're so sorry we did everything we can but your wife died you know at that point it didn't register but that's what that doctor said to me I didn't even break down but when she went and got my sister-in-law and told her she broke down she was so dramatic I like wow and then she asked me if I wanted to see her one last time of course I said I wanted to see her one last time but the sister she said no she didn't want to see her like that so they put all this stuff on me and took me back there so I can see her one last time and when they removed the sheet from her face I can see the smile on her face that she was at peace happy I kissed her told her I love her that was the last thing I said to her and put the sheet back over her face and walked out the room I really didn't break until I got home and let that evening I remember how she would have to be on her oxygen machine all day and it'll be going but it wasn't there that's when I realized that she actually was gone and she wasn't coming back oh that's when I broke down it hit me like a ton of bricks when I knew that she actually was going to be here no more she actually passed on I'm so grateful and thankful that my daughter was there and all this happened because if she wasn't I don't think that I could have been real strong I probably would have took my life too but everything happens for a reason and like I said I was not prepared to bury my wife but her sister came by the house and we talked and I told her that when my wife was living she always said that she wanted to be cremated she did not want no funeral nothing like that she just wanted to be cremated and saw her sister pay for everything I have picked out a beautiful urn for my wife ashes to go in when they were ready and then once a lot of our friends found out I asked them they won't some of her ashes into a necklace so I ordered all these different necklaces and put some of her ashes in each necklace and mailed them to different friends that wanted to still remember her until this day I know one friend still have her ashes I don't know if her ex got her ashes still or not but more than likely she probably do of course I still have her ashes and her urn with me always and she's with me always in spirit and heart but not physically I know that it's just hard to really believe that she actually gone before she passed away I wasn't talking to my family like that but my word got to my mom called her and she know exactly what I was going through because she lost her husband and that's when we started connecting again and we'll talk about everything but it's sad that it had to happen this way because when my wife was living she wanted my family to accept her but they couldn't which was messed up because I was very happy being with her they still want to do well on me leaving my husband at the time and it was like a problem with them cuz I was still married to him until we have finally got a divorce and everything but he had moved on with his life already and so did I moved on with a woman of course they didn't like that they were looking at the fact that here you is married this man had his child and now you a lesbian why did you waste this man's life Sparkle why did you do this so of course they felt all sorry for him and everything and I became the black sheep of the family and talked about when they were gatherings and stuff like that or have you what the hell of a lot just to be me you know it was hard but you know what being with my wife and helping me through everything and life and teaching me everything and telling me that it's okay to speak my mind and that I have a backbone now and a voice that is what made me stronger and know my worth and I didn't have to put up with nobody else stupidity anymore cuz she had my back from the beginning to the end she was a great woman to me and I am worthy to have someone that will be and deserve it for me God send him to me and everything should be great cuz I promise on everything I love I definitely will make this man happy and show him that he deserve a woman like me and I deserve a man like him that is what life is about to be for me and I can't wait to this happen I've been very patiently waiting and waiting hopefully it's going to come to an end and this journey is going to be over really real soon I'm climbing it in the name of Jesus cuz I know that everything is going to happen to me I'm going to be a happy woman a wife hopefully I can give this man his first child cuz he don't have any children if God willing I will have his baby although I'm 45 but I believe I'm still capable of being a mother that I have him right there with me through everything that I have to go through among other people I have with me too I just can't wait for this life to start because it's been a long time coming and I deserve everything cuz all of the obstacles that I had to face to get to where I'm going to be it's going to be well worth it and I know it and I will not let nobody come in between my happiness or still my joy away that God has put before me no matter what happens life would be so awesome and memorable that it's really going to be like a fairy tale and I can't wait for everything to happen in my life and you know what I was saying why me cuz sometimes I can't believe what's really about to happen and how those that didn't believe it's going to look real stupid when everything happens in my life and I'm not struggling no more and I'm not having to live with nobody no more I will be my own boss can't wait for that to happen and it's going to happen Lord knows it is just taking time patience is the key to everything that I've been going through all of the hurdles that I had to jump over and the haters that I had to endure is going to be well worth it at the end to see their face when I don't have to worry about anything no more not feeling needy or asking anyone for anything no more that is going to feel awesome and I cannot OMG wait cuz it's coming I would be such a happy woman for the rest of my entire life and everything is going to be possible for me and my husband the looks on people's faces it's just going to be wow Sparkle really was telling the truth she wasn't getting scammed it was all real that is going to speak so much volume and they're going to be apologizing and at that point I don't even care for the apologies cuz I already know that it always have been real and that I'm worthy of everything that's about to come my way and the people that's about to be in my life that all of the obstacles that I had to go through the trials and the tribulations my testimony is going to be epic oh my gosh can't wait everything is going to be well worth it Lord knows it is cuz I believed it I'm definitely going to achieve it and embrace it and hold on to my faith and always know that everything that has happened to me that it was a reason why it happened don't nothing just happened just because I was chosen to receive these blessings that's coming my way I was chosen for everything and everybody to see how Sparkle got through everything with the strong support system behind me and God who never forsaken me and always believe in me even when I didn't believe in myself I'm going to be fine also brilliant successful everything is going to just be extravagant I can't wait Lord knows I can't wait and it's coming sooner rather than later 5 years from now I'm going to have so much money I'm not going to have to worry about nothing no more I'm not going to have to ask nobody for anything anymore cuz I already know that I did this my hard work paid off and I deserve it cuz my future is going to look awesome my life is about to change and I am so ready to work at the change is coming in my life and the strong people that's going to be in my life that's going to be behind me and that's going to continue to help me and make sure that I continue to be great I can't wait for that to happen this person then behind me 100% have not gave up when times I wanted to I wanted to throw the towels in and say enough is enough I'm tired of this leave me alone let me be I will figure it out on my own but no this person was like now I will sit here by God and I'm going to accomplish what he sent me to do and that was to save you help you protect you and that exactly what this person been doing and I'm so grateful and thankful for them I say this to them all the time and the main thing I say to me is God I'm doing all this with God and I know there is cuz I'm pretty sure how stubborn I am have been that they probably want to throw the tile in plenty of time but they said no I've been sent to do this for God and I'm going to do it regardless of how I've been stubborn and everything towards this person they still said no I'm still about to help you I've been sent from God and you going to be okay everything is going to work itself out you just got to keep on doing the work and I will keep on doing what I need to do they have been dedicated to doing their job at the guy sent them to do and I appreciate it Lord knows I appreciate it because I know they wanted to just say forget it let her figure it out on her own they said no I'm a work through it with her beside her and I'm not going to let her fail and that's what they've been doing and I really OMG appreciate them I just really appreciate them from the bottom of my heart and in my soul that they've been there for me and I'm happy that they didn't give up on me although I could be a hot head sometimes and wonder why they still want to help me when I get frustrated and angry at them but I don't be meaning to be angry or frustrated at them it's just the situation and how things is taking so much time for me to get my blessings plenty of times I know they get tired of me and my attitude they have told me that but I'm getting it together I'm working on me and everything that I want to do with my life and I'm going to be okay right now it's just taken so long to me I don't expect things to happen overnight I don't expect things to happen over days but I wanted to happen quickly rather than slowly but I'm doing it I ain't come this far to fail failing is not an option I will never be a failure I'm going to continue to do what I need to do and accomplish what I need to accomplish cuz the goal is right there waiting and I want to do what's needed I'm going to always stay humble and grateful and thankful for everything that's coming my way in life and don't worry about nothing else because at the end of the day I got this in a bag that money is going to look good and feel good to not have to ask no one for anything anymore and to help those that I want to help that deserve for me to help them cuz at the end of the day it's going to be up to me this is my life Sparkle Evelyn Hinton Conner
- Writer
