Paradise

Tik. Tik. Tik. Tik. Tik The damned clock on the wall continued ticking away, taking with it these moments of my life; where I was supposed to be enjoying life, I instead simply remained stagnant. Wake up, shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, put on my happy face and go. My life was supposed to be more than this; where had I gone wrong? Was it when I took the plane ride back from the beautiful island of Greece to return to this dreary life. Or maybe it was when I left a certain fling-turned-long-term-partner at the altar. Whatever the case, the point remained: I simply just existed nowadays. The sound of footsteps walking steadily my way had me wincing as I prepared for what felt like the nth 'professional coaching' session. Just as I suspected the footsteps stopped right in front of me, causing me to look up at the looming figure of my boss Mrs. Terri Jones. Her late husband had started the accounting firm that I worked in, the memories of her loving smile that was reserved solely for her husband were replaced by scornful glares and distant stares. I looked around the two of us, taking note of my coworkers warily peeking out from their cubicles; though a good portion of us had worked together since the beginning of the company, I knew that they would rather I be the one to face her wrath than have any of them bear the brunt of her abuse. Which is fair if I'm being honest The sound of her clearing her throat had me turning my attention back to her, her bright brown eyes seemed to darken as her frown deepened. Oh god. I thought as I silently rose from my seat and began walking back towards the familiar office, I could feel and hear her stomping on behind me, her breaths coming out in huffs as she attempted to breathe through whatever frustrations had her on edge. A part of me wanted to run. Flee from this place and change my identity. Maybe then I'd live the life that I'd dreamed of. Her door came into sight in less steps than I'd hoped. Usually it takes 49 steps to make it from my desk to her door, however today it only took 41, I had increased my stride length in hopes of escaping the heat of her stare. Instead it seemed to make it burn hotter. This is bad! This is so bad! My mind screamed. I wanted to veer to the left, fake her out or something, just enough for me to escape. The room swallowed me, her nails clawed at the back of my shirt as she shoved me through the threshold, I couldn't breathe. Then came the yelling, her face contorted as she began her spiel; starting with her usual insults as the opening hook, moving on to how much I owed her for the amazing opportunity she'd presented me when I'd had nothing else, as the background information to build her essay of criticisms. After the background she'd always switch it up with a PowerPoint, sometimes it would be before and after pictures of me, other times it would be bank statements that she'd somehow gotten ahold of. This time though it wasn't a form of blackmail. No, instead it was a progress report; which working for her, I knew was even worse. The PowerPoint had both a line graph and a number graph showing me the progression of my career. It started out with a steady increase, as I'd been one of the most dedicated from the jump, but steadily the line started to descend before it became an ever going repetition of ups and downs, with the end of the line being just slightly under my last report. My eyes remained glued to that little dot that marked my fate. I'm done for. Ice ran through my veins as my eyes unwillingly searched the room, meeting Mrs. Jones. Mistake number 43729 that I've made since I started this job. Her face turned an alarming shade of red as she once again began to scream, her voice shook my brain. I felt my body begin to go numb, my finger began to tap aggressively as I attempted to calm myself. A white nose began seeping into my ears as I watched her storm towards me, I stumbled backwards, my fight or flight reaction kicking in, but my legs not catching the message as I tripped and fell back into the giant desk chair that she kept on the other side of her equally large desk. I sunk into the chair; looking up at her as my eyes began to water in fear, she stood tall like an Amazonian, whereas I was a mere mouse trespassing in her domain. My chest began to tighten as I felt her sharp finger poke into it roughly; I grasped at it desperately, as if I could rip it open for her, if only to get some relief. Her ferocious berating continued as she continued to rip into my very core; digging up the rotten roots that I'd tried so hard to sew into a healthy garden. Reminding me that no matter how much I'd wish upon a star that my Cinderella story would never happen and that I'd would remain where the f**k I belonged. Her masterpiece of destruction ended with a simple "do better" as she led me to the door, moving aside to let me pass her; stopping me briefly to remind me to keep our one-on-one coaching just that: one-on-one. My chest was tight as I stumbled my way through the office, passing faces of concern, anger and just pure pity. I continued past my desk, grabbing my purse on the way and made a bee-line for the restroom. I couldn't breathe. Black spots clouded my vision and before I could even make it to the beige doors that had the lady's sign on it, my legs wobbled and finally gave out. I hit the ground hard, that much I knew, however at this point I wasn't exactly sure what part of my body I'd landed on. My body throbbed as I tried to breathe but my lungs seemed to betray me as they refused to allow more than small gasps to escape. Sweat began pooling my body as I attempted to curl into myself, I wanted to leave. I wanted to be anywhere but here. Why did I have to be here? I felt hands going around my waist before my arms were lifted over two familiar shoulders, my body hung limp as I allowed them to carry me the rest of the way to the bathroom. The cool air of the bathroom tile greeted me as the two gently sat me down; I felt a set of dainty fingers grab at my wrist, pulling my arms up and above my head as another deeper voice spoke something into my ear. My heart beat into my eardrums as I shuttered out breaths. C'mon lungs work! My thoughts cried out as one of the small hands began to rub my back reassuringly. Time seemed to drag on, I didn't know how long we were in the bathroom; the two figures I was slowly realizing were my friends/cubie neighbors, Adona and Jesus remained by my side, each one doing their best to get me to calm down and breathe. Painstakingly slow I began to feel my heart rate begin to decline. The heat in my body seems to wash away, as though doused with a bucket of ice water causing my sweat drenched body to wrack with chills. I looked around the room and met the eyes of two figures. Where Jesus was attempting to keep his expression a mix between assuring and neutral, Adona's face was loud, displaying her concern clear as day. "Are you ok, love?" She asked gently, her thick brows creasing causing wrinkles to form across her flawless skin. My head bobbed up and down of its own accord. My body felt heavier than normal, it felt as though I'd run a marathon while sleep deprived. My limbs moved slowly, as though I were submerged in a tank of water, my hand met the wall, causing my brain to latch onto the small checkered texture. I reveled in counting the small section of squares that scattered out from beneath my palm. 23, 24, 25, 26 I kept count as my eyes followed a small square section of the wall; it was a 6x6 grid, with 36 tiles in total inside of the perimeter I'd created in my mind. As I counted the final square I released a shaky breath, a small hiccup escaped my lips as I attempted to pace my breathing. Slowly I turned to face the mirror, the sight that greeted me was atrocious. My eyes were puffed so much that they became raw, makeup ran down my face and around my mouth, there was a white streak across my face, which I could only assume to be the saliva I had choked on in my panic. Tracing my face I noticed a large bruise forming on my jaw and upon further inspection of my body I realized there was also a bruise forming on my upper arm. I looked back at myself in horror before my face scrunched up once more; tears began to fill my eyes causing the two behind me to jump into my point of vision. I met Jesus' endearing gaze as he once more whispered his sweet words of comfort into my ears. "It's ok, you're safe." He stated as if it were a fact; a part of me sprung forward, desperately grasping at his words as if they would manifest themselves into reality if I just hope enough. I felt Adora begin to usher me into one of the stalls, grabbing one of the liners and adding an extra layer of toilet paper. She sat me down, kneeling down in front of me as she wrestled with the toilet paper holder. She wrapped the paper around her hand so much so that the white material had made her dainty fingers look like a hulking meat hand. I laughed a bit at the sight causing her to flash her pearly white at me in a relieved smile. "Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, so f**k her toilet paper." She stated simply, before she began dotting the papers under my eyes, and wiping at the smeared mess that had become my face. Blotches of brown stained the paper as she moved down my face, getting rid of the evidence of what had just occurred. Finally she put her hand to her side, letting her eyes rake over the area of my face before deciding she could do no more, with a sigh she stood up, grabbing me up with her. She brought me to the sink where Jesus already had the hot water running, snatching up a couple paper towels I soaked them in the warm water, running it over my face roughly, scrubbing off the remains of my makeup. I heard Adora sigh loudly before Jesus' hand sprung into my vision as he ripped the towel out of my hands; turning me around, Adora once again began to gently wipe my face, her eyes held a mix of anguish and fury. After she finished, the three of us just stood there, staring at each other. Suddenly the two lunged forward wrapping me in their conjoined embrace, their body heat warmed my chilled skin as I allowed them to hold me up between them. A sudden pounding on the door had us breaking apart as one of our coworkers, Ryan, quickly ducked his head into the commode. He looked on edge as his head continued to snap back and forth between us and behind him. "4 minutes!" He whispered quickly, before scurrying back out of the doorway, back to his cubicle. With a despairing sigh, I faced the mirror again, this time reaching into my bag to grab my concealer. I applied it as quickly as possible before the three of us ran out of the bathroom and to our designated cubbies. And right on the dot, she emerged from her office. Her very presence sent a feeling of despair through me as I quickly ripped open the first three folders I could find and began typing furiously whilst simultaneously reading through the data presented. I felt her walk past me, stopping briefly beside me making my heart skip a beat; I typed faster. I could feel her satisfaction as she continued down the line, searching for her next victim. My fingers were beginning to cramp when it finally happened, her voice rose so abruptly that I mistyped the percentages I'd been entering. Peaking over with the rest I noticed that it was one of the newer hires, she was a fairly bright young lady, but unfortunately for her she'd also fallen prey to the facade of kindness Mrs. Jones had put up. The young lady had what looked like fresh coffee covering her from head to toe. Looking back to our boss, I noticed a round mug with the design of a cat on it. The mug hung uselessly in the air between the two. I saw the girl's face begin to burn brightly as she began sobbing. I wanted to help her. But I barely survived my own discipline, how the hell could I even think of taking hers? The girl stood abruptly, lunging at the older lady abruptly; her hands pushed roughly into her chest causing her to stumble violently into the side of the cubicle, it wobbled dangerously against the sudden addition of weight. Mrs. Jones looked terrified for a moment before her face began to distort, it looked as though she were sucking on a lemon. Before she could say anything the girl dashed from the office space, making a quick break for the stairs. Mrs. Jones looked around bewildered, her head whipping between the rows of employees, I ducked back into my cubby before she could see me. Suddenly she addressed the office, her voice clawed at those foolish enough to remain still. She marched down the rows once more, growling obscenities under her breath before the sound of her door slamming greeted us. A joint sigh of relief could be heard around the office; the newbie would definitely be remembered after that. I should've helped her. The thought rattled me for a moment before I continued my work. My fingers had surpassed the feeling of cramping and had just gone numb, but still I kept my typing pace constant; I only had thirty-seven minutes left until I was allowed to leave. The clock continued to taunt me throughout the day but thankfully the monster remained in her den, the only signs of life being her occasional yelling as she took business calls with people she considered beneath her and not even worth her time. My stack of folders had been long cleared as I began taking from neighboring cubicles in an attempt to both keep me productive and my colleagues from getting a verbal lashing. The silence of the office could compete that of a monastery, as the only sounds that could be heard were that of our fingers hitting the keys. The tightness in my stomach didn't ease as my eyes darted between text and the little clock in the lower right corner of my screen. The little numbers seemed to mock me as they crept forward at the most agonizing pace that I think I'd ever experienced. My nerves seemed to spike at any sound outside of typing, even the smallest of noises would send my pulse skyrocketing, regardless of if it were just a simple shuffle of a folder, causing my leg to bounce in its own rhythm. The beat flowed into my mind, combining with an invisible melody that flowed out of the white noise. For a moment my fingers paused as I focused on the simple tune that my mind created, reveling in the simplicity of it; it was a light whistle tone that seemed to swirl around me, capturing my psyche as it longed for the feelings that came with it to stay. The door to the monster's den slammed open, causing my eyes to follow suit; my fingers blindly beginning to type at my usual finger cramping rate as my eyes searched for the section I was truly on. After much time of typing utter nonsense, I found and began typing the correct section; deciding to mark the areas between real work and gibberish instead of deleting so much of the page and risking her catching me in the act. My head gave a striking throb as I stared full force at the clock, my eyes strained if I attempted to move them a fraction of an inch from the small set of digital numbers. The restless flame that I'd been attempting to tame throughout the day suddenly roared forward, knocking the wind out of my lungs. I felt the everso present desperation to flee to the parking lot; if only for just a moment's escape, to be able to allow myself to break down properly so that I could piece myself together at my pace. Instead I was lucky to get in a 15 minute panic attack before the last of that monster's evening phone calls came to an end, forcing me and all the rest of us mutts back in line, with our eyes forward and a "smile" on our faces. What a joke. But what else could I do? She had all of us by the metaphorical balls. Hell, I'm sure the young lady that had gotten a face full of coffee earlier has already had her name strung through the wringer. Chances were she'd never be able to find a decent job in this field unless she left the state; but even that may not be enough to escape. Defamation has no city limits. My lower lip somehow found its way between my teeth, the sensitive skin tore easily as my teeth clamped down fiercely. The taste of blood flowed over my tongue briefly, causing shivers of disgust to crawl up my spine. My fingers were quick to replace the soft cartilage, my teeth bit down on the slightest traces of fingernail they came into contact with; I'd been good about not chewing them to the nub on my days off. However, from the moment I stepped foot into this building until the time came when I was allowed to break free and finally breathe without the foreboding sense of dread that seemed to linger in the air, the nails were fair game. I blindly began chewing at my cuticle, the stress of today finally weighing on me as my other single hand continued to type as fast as possible. I kept my attention juggled between watching the clock, continuing to type and the seething beast that stomped her way around the office; her eyes cast against us like a predator would its prey, watching for any sign of slacking. My body involuntarily began to shiver as I felt her gravitating towards me. My hand left its place at my lips and resumed its role typing, leaving conspicuous wet spots on each key I touched. Her arm suddenly lashed out, slapping the back of my head; lurching forward, my hand automatically raised to meet the now tender spot. Turning to the source of the impact, my incredulous gaze met the dark brown ones that looked at me expectantly. When I made no move to respond, she sucked her teeth, turning to survey the office once more before giving me one last disappointed look and sauntering back into her cave. My eyes once again began to water, I heard the sound of a chair wheeling towards me and when my eyes went to the sound I found Adora, her wide eyes were on her lunch bag as she shuffled through it quickly. As she stopped near me, she deposited the ice pack that she'd been using to keep her food fresh on top of my desk before quickly rolling back to her desk. My eyes traced the pack for a moment, looking deeply at the deep blue gel that it contained before my gaze traveled across the room. Adora's sad eyes met mine for a second before they disappeared back to her work. Taking the ice pack up into my grasp, I quickly put it on the spot. The sudden cold against my cranium sent a hiss of shock through my body before it dulled with the heat of the blow following after it. My hands reached forward to grab a folder, the sight was blurred as the tears gathered in my eyes began to gather at a faster rate. For a while I just sat there with tears just running down my cheeks, occasionally a brown tear would drip onto my desk, alerting me that my makeup was once again ruined. It was for the best, at least this way I could just collapse into bed when I got home. My eyes unconsciously moved back towards the little clock, with a shock of relief I saw that I only had ten minutes left until I could leave. Excusing myself from my desk, I made my way back into the restrooms, as I entered I made my way to the mirrors. Turning on the tap, I faced myself. I looked pathetic. My poor excuse for makeup was streaked down my face, my eyes had bags under them making me look far older than 25 and the bruises that I'd covered earlier had begun showing from under the concealer. With a sigh of resignation I took a couple pumps of hand soap, leaning over the sink I began washing off the day's events, taking care to be gentle over the bruised tissues. When I was finished I simply stood there, my eyes raking over my reflection, taking in the frail girl that stood in front of me; still pretending that I actually have my life together. The door opened behind me revealing one of my older coworkers, her name was Bertha, her graying face looked shocked to see me standing there. An unsettling look flashed in her eyes before she lowered her head and proceeded towards the stalls; turning towards the mirror once more I gave myself a once over, before deciding that with such little time left there wasn't a point to trying to look decent. With a final shuddering breath I turned towards the door, exiting and making my way to my desk. Many of my coworkers had their belongings gathered on their laps, others were quickly packing up. Everyone kept quiet as their eyes darted between the clock and hell's doorway. The entire office held their breath as the clock ticked away slowly. Just as I reached my desk the clock struck 5:30, causing a stampede of business suits and pencil skirts. My bag was in my arms in an instant as I quickly deposited my finished materials in an area I knew I would find tomorrow. Grabbing my keys off of my little Eiffel tower statuette, I turned and speed walked out of the office, the elevator doors had just closed as I approached them. I hesitated for a bit, torn between taking the stairs and just waiting for the next one. My feet were aching from wearing heels all day and my body was heavy from exhaustion. I had a feeling that taking the stairs would take what little energy I had left and therefore I opted to wait. Pressing the down button I watched as the numbers revealed that the shaft was still descending, with a sigh of agitation I leaned against the wall, letting the surface take some of the weight off of my feet. My head hung heavily as I listened to the small beeps that came from the elevator, alerting me of every floor it passed on the way down before it stopped at the very bottom, opening to let the lucky passengers escape to the parking garage. I'm exhausted. Lifting my head back up to see the elevator seemed like more of a task than it really should've been; it felt like my skull had been filled with cement, weighing on my neck causing it to want to bend to the will of gravity. My eyes grazed the brightly lit number at the top of the doors, it was a couple floors down. Good. I allowed my eyes to close, relishing in the peace of knowing I was almost out of this hellscape. The elevator doors opened, causing me to slowly straighten myself. Just as I took a step towards the safe gates I heard it. The door to the monster's den opened and shut, followed by the sound of rushed footsteps. My body froze in horror for just a moment before I hurried into the small space, pressing the 'close' button as many times as possible. Mumbled pleas tumbled from between my lips as I prayed for the door to close, sealing my fate and ensuring my safe escape. After what felt like an eternity the doors finally began to close. I felt my heart soar, as I tilted my head back in relief a smile of pure euphoria spread across my face. I made it! Just as the thought crossed my mind the doors opened once more, revealing a shocked Mrs. Jones. Her eyes were wide as she took in me form, the smile still frozen in place but my eyes had widened to the size of saucers as I cursed every god and shaman known to man. I just can't win. My smile deflated as her eyes began to harden. My eyes turned downward as she entered the small space that seemed too small, despite there only being two of us in the shaft, I still felt as though I were too far into her vicinity. The silence was tangible, so thick that I was sure that if she were to rake her sharp, talon-like fingernails in front of her she'd catch a piece of atmosphere under her nail. Which I'm sure she'd make me clean out. Peeking at her from under my lashes I noticed her attention was solely on her phone. A sigh of relief escaped me, causing me to freeze, did she hear that? My thoughts were answered soon after as she turned towards me suddenly, her brow raised at me questioningly. I couldn't answer, my mouth went so dry that my tongue began to stick to the roof of it, I felt my chest begin to ache as I stood there with my mouth open in shock. She turned back to her phone then, typing something in quickly before locking it and facing me fully. I swear I felt the very sudden drop of my stomach descending into my ass that very moment. I felt sick, my guts twisted as though they were being put through the spin cycle of laundry. And as she stepped forward I felt the cycle get more and more aggressive, as though my laundry load of guts had been off balance and were now just banging against the walls of my stomach cavity. She stepped close to me, surrounding me with her dangerous aura as I cowered back against the wall, wishing it would open and let me free fall my way to the garage. Her face grew closer to me, making my confusion grow as I froze in place. What is she doing?! Her eyes stayed trained on my face as she crept closer, a sinister smirk appearing on her lips. When she was a millimeter from my lips she abruptly changed her trajectory, allowing her lips to graze the side of my cheekbone before resting upon my ear causing me to flinch. Her voice was soft as she gave a small chuckle, "you should smile more Aaliyah, it makes you look cuter." With that she straightened, looking forward just as the doors opened to the parking garage. Without even a fleeting glance she departed the shaft, leaving me behind leaning against the door as I braced myself for the oncoming attack. With the slightest hint of hesitation I stumbled out of the elevator, running through the emptying lot to find my car tucked away in the very back. As I unlocked it I saw the familiar blackspots that began filling the corners of my vision; hopping in quickly I locked the doors before finally allowing myself to fully breakdown. My sobs came out loud and were followed by a series of coughs as I choked on the mucus that flowed from my nose, finally I reached over to my console. I grabbed out my stash of tissues and blew out the invasive slime as I continued to let myself cry, my breathing was erratic and I could feel the blood rush to my ears as a headache formed at the base of my skull. Looking at the clock finally, it showed that I had been sitting here for just under an hour and the observation was proven right as I peered around the lot to reveal it was mostly barren, including the cars that were closest to me, thankfully either nobody saw me crying or nobody cared enough to approach me. My phone pinged from beside me, alerting me of a new message from Adora.