Beautiful Scars

My name is Carlen Lodge, 23 years of age and I am a firm believer in transforming pain into something positive through art, and so it seemed like the right time to commit to something permanently my own. I always thought of having a tattoo, but my parents would not allow me. Being that I am pretty stubborn, I pursued having my boyfriend’s name tattooed under my left boob. Meeting Eryl Jones changed everything. I realized that in the scheme of things, that pretty much qualifies as no time at all. Our “relationship” wasn’t perfect, but it was something. The two of us were terrified of getting hurt, but at the same time, too drawn in by one another to let it all go. I love being by myself. To me, nothing is better than a good book on a rainy day. I would much rather focus on myself, or have a great night out with friends than worry about what some boy might think of me, because chances are, he isn’t worth my time anyway. I was broken and beat. Life has thrown me the worst curve balls and I wasn’t getting anywhere. I had been lied to, abused and used by the people I thought I could trust most in my life. I had hit rock bottom. Until Eryl came along… I loved the funky way he would dance in his car, I loved the way he looked at me, I loved the way he wrapped his arms around me and held me so tight. I loved every single one of our three hour midnight phone calls. I loved the way he’d surprise me with a single rose every time he dropped me off at home, I loved the way he did all those little things just to make me feel loved and happy. Eryl takes me to a totally different world and he never fails to amaze me. From my pain, comes something beautiful and permanent and I think that is what I find so lovely about the ideas of tattoos, please understand that getting one is a very personal and permanent choice and I think it should be treated with respect, I had no fear of regretting my intention, nor the pain involved – an exquisite scar or some baptism of fire. He is my world, my everything. I can't imagine my life without him. In love and in life, our vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths. We often believe that we risk too much by being vulnerable.When we build a wall around us to protect ourselves from our big, bad fears, we miss out on so much. Here is a little paradox. Sometimes you will find the right man when you are not looking for him. And he may not be looking for you either. It is not that you don’t keep your eyes open. What I mean is that two people are focused on building their own lives and pursuing their own dreams. Our boring love story began when we were at our Junior and Senior Prom Night, way back in High School. “Hi Miss, are you with someone?” Eryl said. “Nah, just waiting for this f*****g event to end” I replied. “Do you mind if I sit beside you?” he said. “Yeah sure why not” I replied. and the rest is history. That is how our friendship begins: a man looks around and notices a boring girl with her own dreams, ambitions, and pursuits. We are attracted to each other physically, but we also have a deep connection, admiration, and affection for one another. We were sharing an inside joke and doing something together that we both love, laughing together, sharing values and interests, being best of friends, being cared for and feeling supported, and feeling safe and secure. I really thought that was the kind of relationship worth waiting for. Finding the right man is not going to change you into a better person than you already are. Learn how to be interesting, kind, caring, and unselfish. Model yourself after women you admire. Learn to be happy with yourself, first. Because no man, no matter how right is going to make you happy. You will only be happy in your relationship if you are happy inside first. Still, my mantra is to look for a complement, not a clone. Remember, there is no “Mr. Right”, but there is “Mr. Right Enough”. I mean, I understand we are all our own recipe and I know some recipes don’t go with each other, but there has got to be one that fits BETTER. This may not come naturally to you, especially if you’re a smart, strong, successful woman who thinks that you “DESERVE” a man who is smarter, stronger, and more successful than you are. Essentially, you’re trying to date yourself, with a p***s. No one would ever be able to settle down because everyone would be trying to trade up. Just give him what he can’t get anywhere else. What he can’t get from his guy friends. What he can’t get from his work. What he can’t get from his hobbies. That’s why he dated me, because I provided an element to his life that is unique and special. He wants a woman who is nurturing and thoughtful and supportive and loving and patient and crazy and fun and playful. Men are looking for someone who makes their lives better. He may be poor, or come from a broken home, but he is determined to rise above difficult circumstances. He wants to go somewhere in life. He believes he has a future beyond age 20 and doesn’t want to jeopardize his future. He has a dream beyond living at home with his parents. Relax a little and don’t be too picky. Allow for human frailty. Last but definitely not the least, expect a human being, and not someone perfect. No one is going to be everything you have ever dreamed of. Give him a break. He will make mistakes too. Just be patient, my dear. After all, the most important thing is to be Ms. Right yourself. You may get hurt. Keep at it. There are good men out there. You simply need to know where to look. I always asked myself before, that “Calm down, I’m not gonna fall in love with him”. But then again, I don’t think either of us thought we were going to find something worthy of being ready for this, but of course we did. For what it’s worth, to me Eryl were always a f*****g yes, because every part of me wanted him. He knew about the scars that have prevailed in my past, my wounds and all the things that went wrong. I trusted him enough to tell him those things. He changed me on such a deep, emotional level that I don’t even have the proper words to thank him. He had no idea he did it, either. The best thing he ever did for me was force me to open up after being hurt before, and give me no choice but to grow as an individual. I will be forever grateful for that. He has opened up my eyes and heart, he taught me to trust love again. He makes me want to believe in everything all over again. He always makes me feel intelligent, beautiful, loved, appreciated and most of all, capable of anything. The confidence he gave, allowed me, for once and for all, to be myself, and be comfortable in doing so. “I can’t believe how lucky I am to be in love with you, Carlen. Whether it was fate or coincidence, I’m glad I met you.” Eryl said. “My love, sometimes I wonder why God kept allowing me to get my heart broken again and again, little did I realize what an amazing, life-altering plans my Creator had for me if only I would entrust the pen to Him and let Him write my story. I prayed for your existence, and now I thank God I finally found you and I am glad that you feel the same way too.” I replied. “ I don’t know who I would be today if you never came into my life. I am such a different person and, even though there’s always room for improvement, you helped me believe in so many wonderful and beautiful things that I would never have opened up my mind to before.” He whispered. He showed me that there is nothing to be afraid of. Even though hurt and sorrow might come into our lives, he showed me how to handle it and how to learn from it. He showed me how to take life by the horns and go on that ride with a smile on my face. Without looking back or being scared of being thrown off. “You showed me what life was like.To live it to the fullest and to remain in it headstrong and at full speed. You never did anything half assed. You gave it your entire being and passion. You showed me what it was like to find joy in the simplest things. And laughter is the only thing that was worth hearing from anyone.” I replied.