Lost love

Jill could hear the dawn chorus,she felt the cool spring breeze and the subtle floral scent that came along with it,It was the fifth morning this week she had woken up and laid still on her bed thinking,lost in her own thoughts,staying still pretending to be asleep. She did this all the time as a child when her mother,her sweet perfect being of a mom tried to wake her up or get her ready for school,or when she had to attend Sunday service with papa,but she never thought she would play possum in her thirties. Mornings like this reminded her of how little she had grown and of her very humble background ,her mother would be so disappointed in her and how her life turned out she thought. Mama Jill as she was fondly called had high hopes for her only child she envisioned her as a strong career women with a beautiful home and a perfect husband and mama jill wasn’t all that wrong after all,jill had it all,she had all she was expected to have and what she wasn’t,but was it what she really wasn’t,was it? Her thoughts were abruptly interrupted by the sound of the doorbell and she was forced to open her eyes and acknowledge the fact that she was awake,opening her eyes slowly and rolling it to show her disappointment almost immediately. she felt so exhausted one would think she ran a marathon that morning ,but as she tried to put her herself together she heard the door bell go off,she hurriedly put on her robe getting a little bit irritated,she wasn’t expecting anyone and it was just fifteen minutes past six. She rushed down the stairs and looked through the peephole and the it was him,John f**king McLean “what the f**k is this son of a b***h doing here,so early and why,why is he back”she said under her breath. Jill opened the door as quickly as she could,she peeped round hoping no one caught a glimpse of McLean not that anyone could but she still felt the need to make sure, she pulled him in still feeling a bit shaky. “Well you look rather ravishing” said the tall skinny but certainly ravishing middle aged man…hmmm middle aged,she thought,Jill never understood why John Maclean,her 35 year old high school crush and first love never aged,John didn’t look a day over 25 nothing in particular made John so handsome but his eyes came close,people often speak of the color of one’s eyes as if they were so important but his would be beautiful in any shade,he also had the kind of face that stooped you in your tracks,with perfectly shaped lips and dark brown hair, John was simply beautiful. “Jill” the voice echoed again “Jill,are u okay?”he asked again,this time in the calmest way possible “ I thought to come check up on you, I heard about your husband.how are you coping ,are u alone,where are the kids?? Jill honestly wanted to say she was fine or at least she was going to be,she didn’t want him to see her in such a vulnerable state,the words didn’t seem to form and in that moment she wanted to blame him,she wanted to blame him for driving her family away,she wanted to blame him for making everyone think she was a cheap sl*t,she could hear Jimmy calling her a sl*t and telling their kids that the reason why their mother wasn’t with them in Atlanta was because she choose her lover over them,but she knew she wasn’t or was she really???? “Oh Good God McLean,leave me the f**k alone,get out! Right now ,please leave” she gestured with hand and her back to the wall.. “Please listen to me ,I know things didn’t go exactly how we,sorry you intended and I am sorry I wasn’t here to stand by your side but I am really sorry jills ,please take me back I promise to never leave your side” Jills,did he just call me Jills???how dare him,how dare he refer to her with that name,he knew how much those little things made her feel. “John,get out!” she said as she slammed the door as hard as she could as he stepped out. Her legs trembled as she slumped to the flow and wept, she didn’t realized she had tears in her eyes all along,she had lost her entire family,she had lost her mother trust and admiration,she had lost her job and she probably would never see her kids again. Why,all for some bloody piece of s**t that just wanted to f**k her ,for some adventure she never really experienced,her heart broke it didn’t seem fair,why is he able to walk around freely without any consequences,why does she have to bear it all alone, would her husband ever take her back ,what do her kids think about her,does her mother still hate her,and most importantly how the hell did she get to this point.