Good Night Sweetheart

Confessions

The long silence is painful, waiting for her to think things over, but she hasn’t told me to leave, and she is calm as she sits on the sofa. I wish I could feel as calm as she appears to be. The rhythm of her heart never changed, and she sits there thinking things over.

“I need to know something?” She says, slowly looking back up at me. “What am I to you then? Am I a meal or someone to pass the time with for your amusement? I’m human, that much I know. I’m guessing Matt isn’t, and Megan has kept me in the dark about it. But I don’t know what this is or even my own feelings. It all seems so strange. Are you going to be something I have to live through?” I can hardly stand the way she’s looking at me like I could be another source of pain in her life, but I very well could be.

“I could never hurt you, but being with me, even knowing what you know now, could put you in danger. I am being hunted, and anything they can use to find me or hurt me, they will. That includes you.” I need to be honest with her now. She needs to know that any life with me is dangerous.

“What happened to Professor Barns?” Her question is sudden, like she just put the pieces together. “You said you killed humans before; did you have something to do with him disappearing?”

“Do you really want me to answer that?” I look at her in all seriousness, and she shakes her head just once slowly.

“Just by you saying that tells me everything I need to know for the moment, I think.” She pulls both her legs up to her chest, hugging them to herself. I want to hold her, but I don’t move from my place in the chair.

“I need to be alone to think about things.” She utters the words I never wanted to hear, but there they are. I nod, slowly rising.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper as I leave her apartment, closing the door slowly behind me and watching her sitting there looking lost and small. Protecting her is all I wanted, but I might be the thing she needs protection from.

I leave her bags outside her door before returning home feeling cold and empty. I found the person that made me feel whole, and now that she’s not with me, I can hardly stand it. Have I always felt this alone? Every part of me wants to turn back around, but that won’t help me will it? She asked for space, and I should give her that. I did turn her entire world upside down.

Getting back home is almost worse than the car ride. I can smell her everywhere. Remembering her sitting and reading haply. I wish I had never stopped her; we could have hidden away here for just one day of happiness. Groaning and cursing my stupidity, I start cleaning up and trying to distract myself. She needs time to think, and I will accept whatever she wants, even if that means never seeing her again. I can give her that.

I glance at my phone again, hoping she might message me, but I’m only being foolish. I can see her every time I close my eyes, and my chest aches. I have never been in love, even when I was human, but this ache feels worse than any heartache ever could. Going to my room seems to make it worse, and I remember her laying in my bed, and I curl up in it, breathing in and smelling her on my pillow. Half of me missing her, and the other half hoping she can be free of me and be safe from the dangers out there.

I must have drifted off somehow because when I open my eyes, the room is dark, not that it matters much to me. Checking my phone and still seeing no messages makes me regret looking at all, exhaling slowly. Laying there listening to the empty silence, I can’t take it anymore. I force myself up, feeling how hungry I am, but I can’t force myself to even care.

Getting to the bathroom, I glare at the mirror before turning the water on and getting it as hot as possible so the mirror will fog over. Half-heartedly hoping the shower will wash away some of the ache I feel.

The shower doesn’t help much other than making it harder to not think of Libby and wonder if she is all right. I still wouldn’t consider myself a stalker. However, the idea of going and checking on her is still one I can’t stop thinking about, and my mind has already decided that is exactly what I’m going to do.

I don’t plan on talking to her or even letting her know I’m there. I just want to see her and know she is all right. I’ve become painfully addicted to her smile, the light in her eyes, and how she lights up the world around me. Everything feels so dark and cold now like I will never feel warmth again.

Her apartment is dark except for a tiny light giving off a yellowish glow to the window where her bed is. It’s too tempting not to walk to the small window hoping to see her. I had half expected her to be with her friends, but she is here. I can almost feel her so close but out of reach. I hate this and myself. “Good night, Sweetheart,” I utter into the silence. The sound of her shifting on the mattress makes me retreat into the darkness, and she opens the curtain looking out. I know she can’t see me, but I have a clear view of her. Her red puffy eyes and pail color make me feel worse. She’s been crying because of me; I can do nothing. I’m powerless to save her from what I brought into her life. I want to hold her like I did before. I want to be her safety, but I know I am anything but someone safe. Should I fade out of her life? Would that be better for her? I would probably die from the pain of never seeing her again, but for her, I would die. I never thought of ending my life, even hating what I am. I always wanted to live even if I didn’t know what I was living for. I still wanted to live, but for her death seems like a reasonable price to pay for her.

Now I find myself with a choice, wait for her to tell me that she wants to be free of the monsters I brought into her world, or leave before she can break my soul if I still have a soul left. She places her hand on the window before closing the curtain again, and I walk to the window, placing my hand there as well. I have never loved anyone, not even myself, the way I love her now.