what does it mean,,all this iam trying not to lose forcus
1517 Words
mommy,mommys home,i was tired of all the walking and very much stress,is the baby ok i didnt feel the cold on my body,i sat down to take a breath,wheres daddy he went out ,iam calling but the phne is off ,theres a car infront of the house it must be daddy no its granma with unty ,come in i sayed no need we will just talk and go ,ok sound serious, your husband is at my house he send to tell you he doesn't want the kid it might not be hes,ok iam tired it was a longday for me the children can hear what you are saying so thank you,i slup the door closed,we waited the hole night round about 22hoo got a call that wake me,can you come take your husband from lukas bar he cannot drive and he sayed to call you,i dont even have a car how and why God help me,i lay awake telling myelf not to care and worry about the baby meantime,i dose off
the sound of spongebob wake me up,i lay for a while in bed paining ,i try to call husband the no is off,i need to get rid of this baby,chantelle looked worried by biw we should now shes understanding everything around us,i could not tell her the truth were daddy is ,she told me there's samethnx we need to talk about mother iam in a big problem, iam pragnant she sayed what i couldnt believe my ears i felt weak and felt down on the floor,i sat for few minutes without saying anything, all i could think was how i didnt notice this if iam in mh own world frim one drama to anther is this even resl,i could slap myself to wakeup from a dream,iam a bad mother i call out i dont deserve to leave,she started crying hoe dhe look skinny and tired,i didnt want to overload you with my problems ,but chantelle you only 15 now how,when,where did you learn s*x from and whos the father then,dont now i yelled so hard shd run out ,i stay sitted thinking to myself wheres he now,i have to deal with all this now,
Does it ever stop,iam on a rollercoaster ride at the moment dont care about anything else but need samething to drink i walk bare foot to the nearby bar took same biers and started drinking,i was tired of life at general
i remember telling myself i need a break, as i looked at the kids my tears couldnt stop them self with all this kids plus a baby,what will happen to my life,i need my husband back doesnt metter ,what i do i need him ,to my suprise hes made up hes mind we me and amthe kids are not part of hes plans,that night he told me how disappointed he is in me and all that,i took my cloths and i went straight to taxi rank,the kids where behind me .
i left everything and went back to mothers home,i dont have anything left there not even a penty,it was a windy night i arrived there house looks the same, i so regret everything the moment i saw the house and my history, how i fail being a wife and a mother i lost everything with in a blink of an eye,i dont want to leave anymore,my kids see me as an loser.how they dont ask guestion ,the only thing i remember is saying iam a useless b***h,how i tryed so much does this made me a bad person,why,,,,,we entre the house my little cousin was sitted watching tv,unty how are you ,you cume to visit she shouted if only she new
everyone is nextdoor at unty dores house thats my mothers sibling,thees a party there,i went straight to the room where we where sleeping our room,it was missy but it felt like safe in a way i went under the blanket and cover myself up,i dont love him yes i sayed to myself, hes not my family why must i feel so left alone,i need my real family mother and my siblings ,i dont now but i slept well with no complaints noone ask or shouted or jell at me how i slept well with all the problems, i didn't now demm it felt so good,really good.
mother was bisy the morning asking my kids police guestion, but i stap in and explained we are here for a visit mother,will be out of your house before you now,she checked at our luggage and say ok but more then a month youll start paying rent,God not this again i thought to myself but replyed ok mother,later the afternoon she come to our room since i stay there the hole of the day,the kids where playing in the park, how are kids made they forget everything that happened to ask and play like nothing happened, she ask me why are you back and the truth pls,you look so thine for a pragnant woman and plus you become black,hes hitting on you mom say,no mother iam tired and i need same rest ,are we not welcome anymore here pls mother i dont need this i must rest,can you excuse me i shut the door before she say samething else,i need to gather my thoughts for God sake, i can not allow weakness in me for the kids sake, i needed strange and motivation to move forward and bit this circle of disappointment, and i cannot allow mother to she my weakness,
reality strikes, school for the kids and my job was still there,but we out of that town,pls God have mercy on my thoughts,,i fidnt sleep at all ,its Sunday chantelle ask what about the kids to school she ask,i looked straight to her dummy and bearst out its all your problem you are the course of this,how could you sleep around on this age tell me ,you are a w***e ,looking all innocence but deep down you where looking for man shame on you i sayed with tears in my eyes,she looked at me snd sayed its you boss that rspe me your boss its hes kid,what my mother cume in running,,,i shut yhe door in her face mother not now ism talking to chantelle,,,,,
what,why are you making up storys that man was always good to you,hell give us everything we want ,hes merried Forsake ,she started crying telling me,i deserves everything happening to me right now,since iam a selfish mother with now care,i started paining, mother,mother where are you,she was all the time standing on the door and listening, i sayed the baby,the baby is coming pls mother help me, she stormed in and call my brother, i was in so much pain i couldn't remember, i was thinking it was a dream sameone will wake me up anytime,
i was out like a lamp,hay mommy open your eyes pls ,open your eyes sameone was shouting, i didn't want to wake up why ,for what i had so much to deal with i cannot open my eyes,i shut then but could hear the voice again and agian,shock her again the guy with the thick voice say,i opened my eyes but tgey where full of tears,hi iam docter paulus he sayed can you hear my voice if yes just blink with you eyes,i looked at him so handsome, he has no problem in hes life hes perfect, i thought to myself, mommy you are ok,can we brink the babies he sayed,babies what babies, i only come for one baby they are two he sayed,you got twins,i sayedno keep one pls i dont want to i closed my eyes,i went into shock and i could hear people coming to me ,hold her,check the pulse and the breathing method, i cryed inside myself, God woman wants kids
you giving it to me with enough, without a house or income,i couldn't breath my chest was paining, i stoped to breath,couldnt hear myself breathing
the docter repeatedly saying mommy,please for your babies sske open your eyes please, we are loosing you,breath pls breath i refuse in myself how do i face the world with all this backpage ,i cannot handle this i need to die pls take me Lord,clear shock her,they did twicei opened my eyes,a lady response i found paluse and the ticking of the mashine was so loud and clear, mommy you ok,we need to run you same text but your fine ,they took me on a different bad and takes me to a separate room,i could see how mu kids was assembled in the corridor, i felt so iseless,all of those people depending on megoid for nothing person who doesnt even have a wotk or school,God where to from here,,,,,,,
brink the babies the docter say after examining me,i sayed pls doctor no iam not ready yet they are two i cant handle that pressure right now,i need a counselor its important, i want a home for them,the doctor look at me and say ill come back but think about it .mommy
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