Broken Faith

The car is running at a speed of 150 km/hr but my mind is running faster than that. It should because it’s playing my life in front of me. My brother-in-law is driving the car and my dad is sitting in the passenger seat. I am sitting in the back seat with my face towards the window, earbuds in my ears, and my eyes filled with tears. I am trying to show that I am watching the road, but the truth is, I am listening to a song and thinking, what’s my life without you? My heart withers when flowers bloom, and the rain sets my body on fire. Nobody knows what I am listening to, nobody knows what I am feeling. They are just angry. But me? I am anything but angry. How can I be, when the person who destroyed me was the one whom I loved the most? I loved him above everything else, and the worst part is, that I still love him. And I hate myself for it. How can I not love him? My heart is playing games with me and my brain has left me as well. My mind and heart have both decided to torture me because they are remembering the parts of my life when I was happy. When I loved him and he loved me, or I thought he loved me. The only parts playing in front of my eyes are when we were smiling, me and the love of my life, my husband. Pain shot across my heart when I corrected myself. My ex-husband. We are divorced, and another wave of hot tears started coming out of my eyes and I turned my head some more because I didn’t want my brother-in-law or Dad to see me crying. But I guess he saw me in the review mirror because he parked the car at the next stop and took my dad out, saying let’s grab a tea. I pretended to sleep and mentally thanked him. Thanks for giving me this moment to cry alone. Thanks for letting me cry. I was getting suffocated with all the feelings. I waited for them to go a little far, and then allowed my tears to fall freely. The truth is, I wasn’t allowed to cry because the relationship wasn’t worth crying about, the person didn’t deserve my tears. But I was crying at the corpse of my failed married life. I was crying for myself. I was crying for my daughter who might not see her Dad again.