I'm So Lonely

I miss my friends. I miss those days chasing after my fallen dreams. I miss the endless preparations and hard training. I miss Mai’s quiet strength and sighs, Ty Lee’s round, kind eyes. I even miss Zuko, even though he lies. I had thought the avatar might come to find me. No one comes to see me, not even my crazy uncle.  There’s this ache inside me, eating me from the inside. It burns. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. The burning never stops, not even when I sleep. It gets worse then, I dream about them all, all the good times we had, or the worse times, then I wake and I am alone again. Sometimes its in a puddle of sweat or the sound of my own screaming. Other times, it's the feeling of someone's arms around me, but no matter what I always wake up alone. I never was afraid of anything, or so I convinced myself. I could take my mother’s abandonment and father’s punishment. I wasn't afraid of storms, I harnessed the power of lightning once upon a time. I wasn't afraid of fire, I was the best at controlling it. I wasn't afraid of being alone, but now I am. Now the darkness eats away at me, I can’t see anything and I am afraid.  Have they all forgotten me?  I pull the blanket closer around me, shivering through my natural warmth. The blanket does nothing for the emptiness inside me. It’s been four years since they locked me away. I can think clearly now, I am in control again, but still, no one comes to fetch me. They must have forgotten. All through my imprisonment in that horrible place, Ty Lee came. She was the one constant source of light and comfort, even though I never told her or showed her. Regrets I probably will never get to relieve. Of all the people I know I thought for sure Ty Lee would have come. She would have. We shared so much together. But maybe all the times I rubbed her betrayal in her face had become too much for even her bubbly, pink little soul to take. I had pushed her away in my own insecurity. Maybe I had loved her. She was my best friend. She used to hug me, comfort me when it was all too much.  I gave her everything. Yet, she has forgotten me, just like everyone else.  I gave in to the stinging tears and let them stream down my face. There was no one here at all. I hadn’t seen a person in almost a year, though they left food every week, I had never caught sight of the people who brought it. Forced solitude. This was Zuko’s doing no doubt. To punish me, he must have ordered them all to leave me alone on this island, with a single cabin, and weekly shipments of food. He hates me more than my mother. He was so afraid of me. I could always see it in his eyes when he visited, the sharp, binding fear that held me to my father all those years. I could never tell why my big brother hadn't just left me there to rot in that dark, dank cell. But then again, even when he was strong, he was always weak.  Love made him weak, just like it made Mai and Ty Lee weak. The avatar, that blasted water peasant girl and her brother, and the blind earth bender were all weak. Yet they had destroyed centuries of my family's work and defeated my father, turning him into a shriveled shell of a man. They took away what made him fierce. The avatar should have just killed him. A life without bending would be worse than death. When I asked why, during one of his many visits, the avatar, Aang his name was, had always said 'because everyone deserves a second chance, Azula. Even the worst people can become the greatest.' Silly spiritual mumbo jumbo. But I supposed I had had my second chance, they took me along to find my cursed mother and stuck with me all through that. I betrayed them in the end, but all I saw in their eyes was sadness. Especially in mother's.  'I'm sorry I didn't love you enough.' What kind of a response was that? Just like the moment when Mai told me that she loved Zuko more than she feared me. Somehow, my father had been wrong all his life. Fear was strong, but only for the weak. Love somehow was stronger than fear, it made people die for what they believed was right and for those they loved. All my life I had been told the opposite, but if anything I had learned that I had lived a lie.  That meant nothing to me now, I was past hope. I could never learn to love if there was no one to love me in return. No one could ever learn to love a monster, even if she tried to be better every day. No matter how hard I prayed to Agni and whatever other gods were up there, they never set me free. I fought back the tears that threatened to spill. I was obviously past saving.  My own mother thought I was a monster. My little sister thought the same. The tears sprang forth against my will and I sobbed for a while. There is no reason to be strong now, I have nothing to prove to myself.  I wiped away my tears and sat up, pulling the blanket with me. I was sick of sitting still. Standing on the beach I looked out over the sea. Closing my eyes, I inhaled the salty air, letting it sustain me. Despite all the horrors, solitude is kinder than the cities. No one shouts or stares. There is no one to hurt. I needed it when they took me out of the asylum, but now… I want to go home.  It must be stormy out at sea, the waves roll and break with a fierceness that would prevent any sort of swimming. The wind stings my cheeks, reminds me that I am still alive. A c***k of thunder startles my eyes open just in time to see the lightning flash. Storms always roll in quickly. I cringe, pulling the blanket close around my shoulders. But in the flash, I glimpse a ship, surging with the waves beyond my little reef. Undoubtedly there are people on that little boat. Desperation fills my lungs and I start to run along the beach, they can't leave me here! Not when they are so close! The storm pushes it towards my island, I start to yell, screaming at them, waving my hands over my head. “I’m here! Come save me!” But, I’m not the one who needs saving. Another peal of thunder and lightning strikes the ship. The sail smolders, then lights up, blazing, devouring the oiled cloth. And then it strikes the rocks at the edge of the reef that surrounds my island. My screams are lost in the wind as the storm blows over my head. Those rocks have crushed me more than once in my frenzied escape attempts. I know just how much damage they can do. Those people are gone.  I stand still in the rain, unable to cry but the rain cries for me, water streaming down my cheeks. The rain forces me back inside. I dry my hair as best I can and strip off my clothes, leaving them out to dry. I don’t sleep. Those poor people. I hope they somehow survived.  The next morning I head out onto the beach, intending to go out and search for the ship among the rocks, but the ship is all around me. Bits and pieces lay on the beach, part of the hull there, and the stern here. Some of the crates seem intact, so I drag them off the sand to dry. As I walk along the narrow beach, I watch for any signs of life. I call over and over, but no response comes. Again, I run along the beach, my breath coming in pants as my search comes up empty. I can feel the madness pressing at the back of my mind, but I fight it off. The temptation to give in and cry is so strong, but I want to be sane. I have to be sane.  I was about to give up and go home for breakfast, my legs trembled from all the running and my throat burned from screaming when I saw the prone form. Forgetting my discomfort, I stumbled into a run, dropping to my knees beside him. I rolled him over and felt for his pulse. It was there, faint, but pulsing beneath my fingertips.  “Oh thank Agni,” I breathe. “You’re alive.” I brush the sand from his face, carefully, treasuring the feeling of human skin beneath my fingers. He was handsome, though any guy might have appeared so at this point, he reminded me a little of my brother, without the scar and with a stronger chin. There was no way I could lift him, even with the regular meals and exercise I forced on myself, I wasn’t strong enough. So I lay by him, my hunger forgotten. He slept soundly, his skin tan from the sun and rough from a life of sailing on the open sea. When the sun was high in the sky, he stirred, his head rolling towards me. Immediately, I got onto my knees beside him, brushing my hands against his cheek. His eyes fluttered open and focused on my face. He smiled a little, dazed by the sun and probably by his rough night.  “Hi,” He said. “I’m Raki.” His voice was raspy. I smiled in return. He just stared up at me, his lovely green eyes focusing on my golden ones. “Azula,” I said, tears springing to my eyes. I wasn’t alone anymore. He was here and he was okay. “Can you stand? I’m not strong enough to lift you, but I can bring you to my house.” “I can try,” He rasped. With my help, he stood. We made our way to the cabin, he leaned heavily on me, but I didn’t mind. He was human and he was here. I gave him my bed and retrieved the now dry blanket. He rested but didn’t sleep until I had fed him the last of my ramen and given him water.  I sat by his side while he slept, unable to believe he was here. Raki was here. I could feel myself falling in love with him, my heart pounded as I memorized the lines of his face and bare chest. He was strong and sure, needing only time to recover his former vigor. Maybe he would help fix up this cabin, maybe he’d fall for me too.  After a time, I cooked another meal for us (for us!) and brought in the crates I had collected from the beach. Most of it was food supplies I hadn’t had in a long time. Flour, salt, yeast, and sugar from the Earth Kingdom I guessed. I could make bread and noodles with that, I just needed more water. I set out with my buckets to the spring at the center of the island, practically skipping my way there, and dragged the full buckets back to the house.  Raki was awake when I got back, he looked better, less tired. I smiled at him, placing the buckets by the door, and slid it shut.  “Hey, how are you feeling?” I asked, walking to the stove to serve the food. He stood and sat by the table.  “Much improved, thank you.” He smiled when I handed him the food. “It’s Azula, right?” I nodded, desperately trying to hide my grin. “Thank you for finding me, Azula.” “You’re welcome, Raki.” After those few words, we ate in silence.  “So, what is a pretty girl like you doing on an island all alone?” He set aside his empty bowl and looked me in the eye. He thought I was pretty. I blushed, but then wondered what I would say. The truth was hard to swallow. 'Oh yeah! I’m the mad princess you’ve heard of, banished to this island, slowly descending into a different kind of insanity without human contact.' That would go over well. I wouldn’t lie, though, I don’t want to deal with lies. I had seen what lies can do. There was no way I would ruin this by lying. So, I took a deep breath.  “You might have heard of me,” I began. “I don’t know what rumors are circulating now, but I was the Princess Azula.” The name sent shivers down my spine. It had been so long since I had called myself that. Only the hallucinations called me that, and they always lied. “They released me from the asylum and brought me here. At first, it was for my own good, I still didn’t know who I was, but now I’ve regained my sanity, more or less.” He stared at me, mouth wide open with shock. “It should be fine with another person here, I haven’t seen another human being since they brought me here.” I saw the fear flash into his eyes. “I don’t bend anymore,” I assured. “You are safe here.” “For a formerly insane princess, you look pretty normal.” He said, attempting some humor. I smiled ruefully. “They say you’re dead, you know. They held your funeral two years ago. I was there.” It was my turn to gape.  “What?!” No wonder they hadn’t come for me.  “I joined the Avatar’s following shortly before that, but I have to earn a living, so I ship things from the Earth Kingdom to the Fire Nation. My father was an Earth Kingdom merchant, my mother a Fire Nation girl he met at some party. You wouldn’t have known them, they’re pretty low class. I can sort of bend fire, but that doesn’t help me much as a merchant and I never had enough money to go to school, so it's very instinctual.” He looked down at the table, almost shyly. "But anyway, Aang recruited a bunch of young people to travel with him and Katara, to keep them company I suppose. They formed an alliance with the Kyoshi Warriors who've become a fancy avatar s***h royalty guard. I met Fire Lord Zuko through him and we hit it off pretty well. I stayed in the fire nation mostly, there was a girl there you know, I liked her a lot, but then you died and Zuko fell to bits. He and Ty Lee took it the worst." "Ty Lee was there?!" I asked, leaning over the table. He smiled.  "Yeah, she was a mess. She really cared for you, it practically killed her when she thought you were dead. She joined the Kyoshi Warriors-" "I know. I was there up until my brother sent me away after I disbanded the New Ozai Society. The Asylum sent me here after that." "Oh." He looked me up and down. "They lied a lot then. That was almost four years ago now. They sent regular updates on you, but didn't let anyone visit and then they sent us a messenger saying you hung yourself in your cell." He shrugged. "From what I've heard of you, I'm not surprised you aren't dead. I am surprised that the Asylum lied to us about it." "Don't be, that place is hell on earth." I said, blinking away the memories. We were quiet for a while, just eating our food. Eventually, he broke the silence. "You said you don't bend anymore, right?" He asked, feigning nonchalance. "That is true." "Why don't you? I've heard stories that you were the best fire bender in over a hundred years, better than the avatar even." He looked up at me, but I looked away. "I'd rather not talk about it." I said, pushing my food around with my chopsticks.  "Oh," He looked down and mimicked my actions. “You know, even if you don’t bend, I don't think I’ll be going anywhere and I’m sure I can repay you somehow, would you teach me? I've always wanted formal lessons, but like I said, we could never afford it. You are the best, and I'm sure you would be a great teacher!” The excitement in his eyes surprised me, he wanted to learn. I looked out the window, we had a lot of daylight left. I took a deep breath.  “I can teach you a little at least. Come on, are you ready to start?” His eyes got really big and he grinned like a little boy. “Yes!” He sprang to his feet and almost beat me to the door. I smiled to myself as he ran outside. I left our bowls on the table and followed him into the sun. He tried so hard, but it was painful to watch. He was too solid, set in the earth like he was a rock. I winced as he stumbled forward with momentum, nearly singing my clothes. He looked up at me from all fours and grinned ruefully.  “Well, this isn’t working,” I said, helping him to his feet. “You need to be more flexible, you aren’t a part of the earth. You must be able to move quickly and efficiently. Now, again.” He stood in the beginning stance I taught him, I could tell he was trying to be lighter, but he wobbled. I took the stance next to him, my feet falling into their familiar place. “Thrust your arm forward, don’t bend this time. Breathe in” I sucked in a breath. “And out.” We exhaled together. “Again, now move your arm as you exhale.” He followed my instructions and we moved in sync. “Now faster! Push with your breath as you bend, use your diaphragm.” Again, we thrust our arms forward and this time a spout of fire poured forth from his fist, he didn’t wobble or stumble. “Good job!” I stepped away from him and smiled. He bounced on his toes. “That felt good!” He exclaimed. “What’s next?” “The sun is setting, Raki, you need to rest.” I patted him on the shoulder. He stuck out his lip playfully but grinned again. Even though we'd been practicing for hours, he still seemed to have boundless energy. His hair had fused itself with the skin of his forehead from hours of sweaty work, I was breathing hard myself.  “Alright, Princess.” He grinned that lopsided grin. I stiffened. “Don’t call me that again.” I threatened, my voice sharp as… well Chad’s outfit. I grimaced at the memory. Agni, that was embarrassing.  “Sorry, I didn’t mean-” “It’s fine.” I waved my hand, dismissing it. “Come on, let’s get some dinner.” That night we argued over the bed, I wanted him to take it, after all, he’d been shipwrecked and had passed out on the beach last night and then had trained for most of the day. He obviously needed rest more than I did. I would probably disturb him anyway with my restless sleep and nightmares. I shivered. I didn't fancy the idea of Raki knowing about all those horrid dreams just yet. As we argued the flames in the little fire pit flared. Raki insisted that I take the bed, that it would be an insult to his masculinity to allow a woman to sleep on the floor. What a sexist compliment that was. He was insistent and oddly cute when he had that fierce look in his eyes. Finally, I threw my hands in the air. “Fine. Why don’t we share it then?” The comment was half way sarcastic, I didn't expect him to think I was serious. Instead of catching my tone, he just looked at me with wide eyes. I realized how frightening I must look, my flashing eyes and scowl had returned. He started to say something back in outrage, recovering from his brief moment of fear before surrendering.  “You just want someone to share your bed, don’t you?” He leaned forward, his words cutting deep, and I blushed. I shook myself, realizing what he had just insinuated. “How dare you suggest that?” I sputtered. “I’m not a slut, I don’t do… that.” His eyes got wide again, he looked horrified with himself. “That’s not what I meant!” He panicked, wringing his hands. “I meant, well, you’ve been alone for so long, you want to, uh, cuddle. Or something.” I took a step back, I would never admit that. No matter how lonely I had been this morning, my pride would never allow that. “It’s preferable to arguing all night,” I said, sharply, sitting down on the source of our contention. “Just lay down already.” Raki did lay down, but he was stiff as a board and kept rolling over. I did my best to make myself comfortable, but the bed really wasn't big enough for the both of us. Laying shoulder to shoulder, we finally settled, but even so sleep did not come as quickly as I would have liked.  "Azula?" He asked after a while. He turned over and looked me in the eye. "What?" I murmured a little annoyed. I had just felt sleep tugging at me.  "Can I put my arm around you? I can't sleep on my back." I closed my eyes and nodded. He shifted and tentatively rested his hand on my stomach. Instead of feeling invaded, his hand, which rested right over where I knew my womb was, was comforting. I felt precious, protected. His breathing grew slower and deeper and I knew he was asleep. I huddled just a little closer, turning on my side so my face was buried in his chest. He smelled of salt and sweat and, strongly, I didn't mind. It was a manly smell. I sighed and closed my eyes. I could get used to this.