The Return of the Luna Duchess

07 Small Baby Steps

However, the minute I decided on what course of action to take, I realize I have one problem.

As much as I want to mend the relationship between me and my sons, I have no clue as to what I'm going to do first to be able to do that.

I gnaw on my lower lip as I try to think of an answer.

Unfortunately, without anything useful in my memories from the past, present, and possibly the future, it wasn't surprising that I came up with nothing in the end.

I feel something stirring in my arms and that caught my attention. That's when I remembered that I am still holding Kieran and that he was crying before, most probably because he was hungry.

I glance down at Kieran to see if he's doing okay or if he feels the new tension settling in the air in my room.

And I'm surprised to see him staring up at me still. Eyes clear as the second shiniest and reddest ruby I've ever seen.

Well...he doesn't look very hungry now, though. I think he wasn't really hungry when Keenan brought him here.

But wait a minute.

Was he staring at me the whole time I was talking to Keenan? Is this normal for Kieran to be just silently watching me for who knows how long? Is my baby okay?

I was anxious for a moment, wondering if there is something I have to worry about with Kieran other than him possibly having a stunted Awakening like me.

I try to recall what I know about him hoping I'll get some kind of clue.

But then again, the last memory and probably the only clear memory I have of him was back when he stormed into the pavilion where he saw my dead body.

He looked fine and okay back then, though. Well, if we talk about his physical well-being, that is.

Still, I can't shake the feeling that something's up with my youngest son. I just can't put a finger on what that is, though.

Not that I mean there is something wrong with Kieran. It's just...there's just something about him that feels like it's going to be significant in the long future.

But I don't know what.

As I watch my youngest stir, his eyes roaming non-stop all over my face, I pondered about the mystery that seems to shroud my Kieran.

Even though I've never seen him while he was growing up in my memories, I have a couple of snippets in my mind regarding rumors that managed to reach my ears about my sons.

Kieran, in particular.

I've heard stories back then that Kieran was a menace while growing up. And by menace, I meant that he's being difficult to most of the staff who were attending to him.

He keeps on crying and yelling at the help, except for a chosen few, like the Head butler, if I recall correctly.

Because of that, I think at one time, he was dubbed the mini-me of the Detestable Duchess or the Tiny Terror.

Back then, I admit that I was...a little happy to hear that people would even compare a child I had little to no interaction with to me. To be perfectly honest, I thought Kieran being called the Tiny Terror as my counterpart was so cute and adorable.

Still, I banished those notions just as quickly as they came to mind.

The reason why I acted the way I did was to protect my sons, not to harm them any further. And I wondered why Kieran, out of the two of my sons, acted the same way as me when he was the one that I had little to no interactions with.

Whatever the reason was, I hope that I get to discover it now since I never got to learn it back then. Because, despite the rumors I've been hearing about my youngest, I still chose to ignore it, and...well, I didn't know what happened after that.

What I do know, though, is that talks about Kieran's nastiness died down after quite some time. But I didn't know why and I never bothered to find out.

Anyway, if it was true and that Kieran was as nasty as they said back then--to the point where they called him a Tiny Terror--I am not seeing any signs of any of that nastiness in my well-behaved baby boy right now.

He's so quiet and so still, that if not for him breathing and blinking every now and again, I thought for sure that he's a doll.

Additionally, the look in his ruby-red eyes is different than the one he had before. I can't put my finger on it but whatever it is in them, it seems to put me at ease.

But maybe it's because of his presence that added to the calming one of Keenan's. That and the fact that I am finally with him after all those years along with his brother puts me at ease in general.

My eyes widen in surprise when Kieran yawns all of a sudden and reaches up to wrap his chubby fingers around a lock of my hair that fell within his reach. Not long after that, he starts to slowly but surely close his eyes, and seconds later, his breathing evens out.

It seems he's already fast asleep.

"That really is amazing," I hear Keenan gush again.

I look up at Keenan at that and tilted my head in curiosity. It seems that the melancholy look he was sporting before has passed. In its place is the same wide-eyed surprised look he has when

Taking a deep calming breath, I take this opportunity to start talking to him and do the most important thing that I should have done.

Then and now.

Putting a small yet soothing smile on my face, I turn my attention back to Keenan and pat the empty space beside me again.

"Come here, Keenan. I want to tell you something. And," I cut him off when I see him open his mouth, probably wanting to ask me if I won't be mad at him again. "I won't scold you for coming up onto the bed with me."

While I watch as Keenan shifts his weight from one foot to another, I find myself slowly rocking Kieran in my arms.

I've...I've always wanted to do this.

I marvel at the fact that I am actually doing it right here, right now.

And despite not being able to do this before though sensation is very new to me yet at the same time, it feels so natural and so nostalgic that I think I want to cry right now.

The sudden motion of my bed shifting snaps me back from my woolgathering to the now.

Turning my head to the side, I feel a smile tilting on the corners of my mouth when I see Keenan huff and puff his way up my bed.

Since my bed is high and he's not at his usual height, it took some time and a lot of effort on his part before he finally got one leg up my bed and managed to successfully crawl his way up.

I feel a surge of motherly pride course through me knowing he managed to do something so challenging on his own without my help.

Though, it also made me feel a bit sad since he didn't ask for my help knowing he doesn't trust me and is wary of me in the first place.

As soon as he gingerly settled beside me, he shyly fiddles with his hands for a moment before glancing my way.

I can feel that he's tense and nervous sitting so close to me and I understand. Especially when this is the first time we are this close to each other.

Moments passed and the silence between us just stretches on and on. I don't think Keenan minds the silence but I do.

With every silent second that passes, the guilt I have in my heart feels heavier and heavier. Because the silence just proves that no matter how long I try to think about what to talk about with Keenan, I keep ending up with nothing.

It just reminds me what a bad mother I am.

He glances my way and up my face before his eyes fell on his sleeping brother again. His eyes widened with bewilderment and affection for his little brother which gave me an idea.

And an opportunity!

Thank you so much, Kieran!

"By the way, Keenan, sweetie," I start and he immediately looks up to me.

When his eyes met mine, I knew that I have his full attention. It's up to me to make use of that to get my point across.

"Why did you say that it was amazing? What's amazing?" I ask in a soft and cordial tone, even though my voice still sounds like rocky chalk grating across a chalkboard.

"W-well, first of all, uhm..." Keenan looks away and he resumes fiddling with his fingers. "It's just...Kieran is not a bad kid. Even Alfred told me so but..."

Ah.

Is this about the part where Kieran is deemed a demon baby? I didn't know that Kieran was already acting that way so early at two years old!

"But...?" I softly encourage him to continue.

"But...it's just because he doesn't like other people to touch him, you know? I mean, if you are Kieran, you don't want a stranger to touch you also, right? But...I hear some of the servants are calling my brother a--" he pauses before he ends his sentence lamely, "A bad baby."

He then pouts, clearly upset at that.

I am sure that he has heard the servants calling Kieran something worse than a 'bad baby'.

However, I know he can't make himself say that about his brother.

"He's not a bad baby. Sure, he...cries and he makes a fuss whenever someone other than me or Alfred gets to hold him or feed him. But that's only because he doesn't want others to touch him, that's all." He huffs and pauses, as if realizing what he just said and to who he said it to.

He glances at me from the corner of his eye and I give him a small and affectionate smile in return. His eyes widen a bit in surprise before he looks away again.

I don't feel him move away, have plans of running off or something like that, so I'll take it that he's not so tense in my presence anymore.

"But he's not making a fuss right now," I point out to him, glancing down at the sleeping baby in my arms.

"Uhm, no..." he whispers and shifts in his seat, seeming to find a comfortable position. "And uh, that's what I find amazing. Because I never knew anyone here in the house who can make Kieran sleep so fast other than me. Even if Alfred can hold and feed Kieran just fine, he still has a hard time trying to put him to sleep whenever his nap time comes around and I can't do it because I'm in the middle of class or something."

He finishes that with a shrug and my heart just wants to burst in my chest at what a wonderful boy Keenan has been despite my absence in his life.

I am aware of his progress in his classes because Alfred keeps on passing his class reports to me.

More often than not, I ignore it and set it aside.

However, whenever I set some aside, I get to get a glimpse of the reports and see that Keenan is actually doing better than great in each of his subjects.

I was so very impressed back then but I couldn't make myself praise him because of my unfounded fears.

And now I know, that not only is he excelling in his classes, but he's also taking care of his younger brother on top of everything else.

Well, one of these days, I'll make it a point that I will do so. I will praise him, hug him, and shower him with so much affection that he will get sick of it.

But then again, why wait when I can just do it now?

Though, I'm not giving him a hug or the affections that I have in mind.

It was already obvious that he was so shocked by the sudden hug I gave him before. And if I don't want to subject my boy to an early grave from a heart attack, I will have to start with something small first.

Taking small baby steps might take longer for me to see the results that I wanted. However, I just can't rush Keenan just because I am impatient and excited about the changes that will be coming our way.

I have to reel it in. Especially when I have plenty of time now to make it up to my boys.

So, instead of giving into my urges like the first time I hugged Keenan, I resisted and raised my hand then reached out towards him, patting his head and ruffling his hair.

He flinches at that and I thought he was going to push away from me just like before but he didn't.

Instead, he just turned towards me and gazed up at me with those big blue eyes.

"You are doing great, Keenan. I..." I tell him and I let my sentence fade away for a moment.

I purse my lips and waited for any violent reactions from him but he just sat there, frozen in place and looking at me with wide eyes.

Since there's no violent reaction, I'll take that as an okay?

...okay, then.

I continue. "I really appreciate you doing your best as a big brother to Kieran as well as being a good son and heir to your father's duchy. And..."

I take a deep breath and bravely lower my hand from his hair to cup the side of his cheek.

"And...Mommy is sorry. I'm sorry for treating you so badly until now. I...want to explain but as of the moment, I can't. However, I can promise you this..." Gently shifting Kieran to the side, I lean forward so Keenan and I are both looking into each other's eyes. "Mommy has decided that like you, I will also strive to be better. For you, for Kieran...and for your father. For all our family."

I hastily add the last part for some reason. And by the last part, I mean their Father.

I don't know why. But maybe it's because I also owe the man some kind of apology for staining the reputation of the Duchy.

Yeah, maybe that's it.

Keenan is quiet after my declaration and I'm not sure if it just suddenly got darker in my room but I can't seem to see Keenan's emotions in his eyes anymore. I wondered what's that about but then again, since he's not reacting so violently or negatively, I'll just take that as something in my favor.

Patting his cheek gently, I ask, "You want to sleep here with Kieran and me tonight?"

To my delight, Keenan gives me a small nod and I help him settle in bed for the night with Kieran in between us.

In a matter of minutes, I feel Keenan's breathing grow even and I know he's already asleep.

On the other hand, while my children are fast asleep, I spent the night wide awake, making sure that neither Kieran nor Keenan are uncomfortable in the slightest. While I do that, I was basking in the giddy and elated feelings I'm having for sleeping with both of my special boys.

Not long after that, I fell asleep while planning to make more small baby steps going forward in the future.

Little did I know that that the baby steps I made--like hugging Keenan, rocking Kieran, and letting the two of them sleep in my room--were actually a big baby's steps that will result in something more worthwhile in the future.