The Return of the Luna Duchess

06 Mother and Son Relationships

I hugged Keenan for the first time since the last loving and heartfelt hug I gave him.

And that was only on time after he was born.

I still remember that time and day like it was only yesterday...

It was an eight-hour labor before Keenan finally decided to go out and see the world. I was delirious and overwhelmed from the pain, I think I fainted right after.

I don't know how long I was out and I don't know if my husband had visited me...or if he even bothered to visit his son. But I didn't care. All I know was that the pain and the torture I felt while I was giving birth to Keenan was finally over and done with.

I woke and realized my room was empty save for the crib situated not far from where I am. I struggled up the bed, my body was still aching, but I managed to shuffle towards the crib.

And there he was.

My little Keenan, sleeping peacefully.

He was so small. His skin was still a little wrinkly but it was flushing a healthy shade of pink. He was still mostly bald, but I can already see small tendrils of silver hair on top of his head.

As I stared at him a little longer than I would have planned, marveling at the small life that was just in my stomach until now, he stirred and opened his eyes.

Blue eyes, the exact same shade as mine, met my own.

I blink and he blinks, albeit a little more slowly than I did, and yawns, then blinks up at me yet again. His gaze was steady and focused as he peruses my face, as if trying to burn the image of his mother in his memories.

Memories that might not or might be forgotten in the long run while he grows up.

At that moment, I felt conflicted. Especially since I know deep down in my heart that I fell in love with this small child of mine when our eyes met.

My head started to think about possibilities and a future where all of the people in the world are against me and I wouldn't care one bit.

I won't care because I know that I have Keenan with me.

Back then, I've been planning that he will be my whole world and the center of my universe. My one and only ally.

That finally, I might have a safe place in this world in his calming presence.

But...

I knew that it was not meant to be.

I knew--at least I still believed my Father's lies back then--that if Keenan stayed close to me, my Father will find out and somehow, in some way, he'll find a way to use Keenan to bend me to his will once again.

And I already mentioned that I learned my lesson before.

That one time I tried to defy my Father, he...he killed my beloved dog. The one that Mother, his most beloved wife, gave to me.

I know I mentioned this before but I feel like I never expanded on why that moment was so crucial to me.

How powerful and devastating that moment was to make me give up on showing my real feelings to my family. Doing all of that in order to foolishly think that pushing them away means at they'll be safer from my Father's clutches and out of harm's way.

I cared for Madeleine with all my heart and when Mother left us for good, I doubled--no, tripled--my efforts in caring for her. I poured all my sadness and loneliness into caring for her when Father slowly but slowly veered towards the path of self-destruction after Mother's passing.

I surmised, based on his mistreatment of me and his attempts to try and make me want to follow in his footsteps, that wants to drag me down to the depths of Hell with him.

And that wasn't because he cares for me as a daughter and wants to take me with him there so we can be a family again with Mother.

No, that was not it because for sure, Mother would never be in Hell and I never wanted to be stuck there with him.

No, he wants to drag me down with him because he was--and is still is--a coward.

Given that he had already stooped so low to even kill Madeleine, a precious life that he knew his beloved wife had bestowed upon us before she left us for good, I didn't want to take my chances and take a risk.

I was devastated when Madeleine died right in front of my eyes. It took me almost two years to get over her loss.

It felt as if I lost Mother all over again.

Because of that memory, that pain and fear which clutched at me, digging so tightly into my being, I had to abandon any thoughts of having a future together with my Keenan.

There and then, I decided to pick him up and...gave him my first and last hug.

Hoping that at that moment in time, I would be able to live with that memory in my heart and soul as a sort of remembrance before I resume being the Detestable Duchess once more.

But...that was then. And this is now.

Everything will change and I'll be damned if I let the same things happen again.

As soon as Keenan is in my arms, I feel his tiny body stiffen with tension and nerves. It seems like he didn't expect something like this to happen the moment he braved coming inside of my room.

Well, he better get used to it and fast because there will be more of this hugging where it came from.

It took longer than I would have liked, but Keenan eventually relaxed and melted into my hug. Like chocolate under the hot sun or a newly hatched butterfly basking under the warmth of the golden orb in the sky.

Well, Keenan is not alone in the sentiment because for the first time in what seemed like forever, I feel at peace.

Inhaling his fresh, clean, baby scent, I feel the chaotic thoughts and feelings inside of me settle down.

This was the same feeling that I felt when I hugged him while Keenan was a baby.

However, there's something different.

Not only because Keenan is already five years old and a little bigger than when he was but a small bean to me, but there's also something else.

Something...or someone seems to be staring intently at me. So intently that I feel like a hole is going to burn into my face any moment now.

"Oh, hold on, sweetie," I tell Keenan.

Planting a quick kiss on the top of his head, I loosen my hold around Keenan a little and pulled away. I turn my attention to the side, where I am holding my youngest out of the way so I won't crush him while I hug his older brother.

And that's where familiar ruby eyes meet my blue ones.

I noticed before that Kieran was no longer crying but I was too focused on Keenan that I didn't wonder as to the reason why he became silent.

And now that I am looking at my youngest...I still don't know why he settled down.

Should I try and figure it out?

I guess there's no harm if I do even if I have no clue as to what I am looking for to help me figure that out.

Squinting a little from the dimness in my room, I stare at Kieran the same way he was staring at me.

We both seem to have the same idea of using that opportunity to burn the image of each other into one another's memory.

I remember that I gave birth to Kieran when Keenan was three years old. Since Keenan is already five years old, Kieran is two years old now.

However, other than that, I am ashamed to admit that I almost know nothing about Kieran.

Still, despite not being able to know, I just noticed that he's so small. Like he's still a baby of one year or less.

And I worry that despite the utmost care the staff has given my Kieran, I fear that it isn't enough. Because the problem actually never lies on the staff but...on me.

I recall that Keenan was not this small when he was Kieran's age. Even as a baby Keenan already has the vibe of a Shifter despite being in his Unawakened State.

And even though I knew nothing about him other than that last time I hugged him and whenever he stubbornly sought me out when he was still little, I knew deep down, that my Keenan is an early Awakener.

That's because even though my boys are considered Unawakened Shifters, for now, they still have the blood of their Father, a powerful Alpha Shifter of the South.

And since I am the lowest of the lows based on the Wolf Shifter tiers, while my husband's tier is so high up in the food chain, his superior genes will easily and naturally overcome mine.

So, how and why is my Kieran still so small? He looks like a Human child and I fear that he also has the same strength as one.

Not that there's anything wrong with being a Human.

Unlike other Shifters, I share none of their arrogance.

I witnessed how it slowly made the people I know rot inside all the way down to their cores until they can no longer see the true value that was in front of them, preferring a shallow and superficial one.

No, I am not worried that my Kieran seems to be a pure Human child in his Unawakened State.

I am worried that somehow, he will not only take after me with his hair color which I can see from the soft curly tufts of black hair on his head but also take after my stunted State.

I don't want my Kieran to be looked down upon and scorned because he took after his pathetic Mother with an unknown Awakening State.

Biting my lip, I stare at my youngest's face while I dig in my memory in hopes of remembering whether Kieran managed to Awaken or not.

Unfortunately, Kieran is the son that I never had many memories with.

Though, to be fair as to why that is...I did mention that after Keenan, I made it a point not to get attached to Kieran and refrained from hugging him when he was born. I didn't even bother looking at Kieran's face and left the birthing room as soon as I was able.

Thanks to that, I have little to no memories in my head which can help me figure out if Kieran safely Awakened or not.

But, oh well, there's no use crying over spilled milk.

I never involved myself with either of my sons back then but that's not going to happen this time.

Whether Kieran Awakens or not, I will be there for him and...I also don't know just when Keenan Awakened himself but when that happens, my sons won't be alone and they will never lead a depressing future.

Because I'm here now.

"That's amazing!"

I blink and snapped out of my thoughts at Keenan's sudden outburst.

Giving one last look at Kieran, who was still staring at me--I worried for a moment that he suddenly became as still as a statue but I managed to relax when he blinked and stirred a little, I turn my attention to my eldest.

Keenan is on his tiptoes, hands braced on the edge of my bed, and peering over his brother with wide eyes.

"What is amazing, sweetie?" I ask.

At the sound of my voice, Keenan flinches and pulls away from my bed so fast that one might think my mattress had burned him or something.

"I didn't get your mattress dirty, Mommy!" he immediately says with his hands raised up in the air. "I promise that I washed my hands before coming here!"

His defensive statement catches me off-guard for a moment. And when I managed to finally recover, I can't help myself but laugh.

As to why Keenan suddenly said something like that, he probably heard from the staff that I am very particular when it comes to the cleanliness of my room.

It was one of my roles as the Detestable Duchess to find faults in each and every single thing the maids and servants do even though their work was already flawless.

I have to get them to hate me otherwise, they will know that I was trying to hide something. Worse, they might notice that something was troubling me and will lend a hand.

Help from the Duchy is something I needed but never wanted. Unless...I want somebody else to follow in Madeleine's footsteps and end up dead.

Now that I know what the future holds though, I find it silly now that I am scared of some old man with little to no money to be able to pull that off.

I also am a little ashamed for underestimating the staff of the Duchy.

My husband, Keiter Andrew von Hansen, is not only the Duke of Hansen and an amazing Alpha Wolf. He's also known as the Protector of the South and is the nephew of the Wolf King of the Luna Kingdom.

Therefore, there's no way that the staff, who are working for someone as powerful as my husband, would be so weak and helpless if someone as untrained as my Father tries to threaten their life.

At that thought, I feel my confidence getting boosted and I've never felt so refreshed or so free in my life as my laugh begins to subside.

Come to think of it, that was the first time I laughed ever since...well, ever since Mother and Madeleine died.

And it feels great!

This feeling of freedom and happiness is so...thrilling. I want more. I will want more of it as long as I am feeling like this with my boys.

Shaking my head, I scoot on my bed a little ways to the side and beckoned Keenan to come closer.

"It's okay, sweetheart. Come here," I pat the empty space beside me.

"A-are..." he squeaks and clears his throat as he lowers his hands and eyes the empty spot beside me suspiciously. "Are you not going to scold me if I go there?"

"Since when did I scold you?"

I try to joke but I realize it wasn't a good thing to joke about when Keenan's face fell. It was too late for me to take it back too.

"You never did..." His voice was small and hushed.

It was close to a whisper more than anything but because Kieran is as quiet as a mouse, and it's dark outside--meaning, it's still night, there was nothing in the room, in and out of it, that can smother what Keenan just said.

And I bit my lip in apprehension for reminding him that I have never been the Mother that he yearned for me to be.

I think...it's time for me to reestablish the Mother and Son relationship between the three of us.