To Love Another

I sat on my bedroom floor hugging my knees to my chest, staring at the black dress hanging on the back of my bedroom door. Staring, but not seeing. A warm breeze drifted in through my open window and I shivered as the hem of the dress swayed slightly. I mindlessly fingered the small opal that always hung from my neck. A quiet knock brought my room back into focus and I quickly wiped away a rogue tear from my cheek. “Are you ready, honey?” My mom asked. I didn’t answer. “You’re dad wants to leave in 10 minutes, ok?” I nodded, momentarily forgetting that she couldn’t see me but I couldn’t find the strength to answer. “Lydia, do you need help?” I heard the doorknob rattle as she tried to come in. “No, mom, I’m fine,” I answered quietly. “I’ll be down soon.” I heard a small sigh from the hallway. “Alright.” I listened as my mother’s footsteps retreated down the hall and descended down the stairs. I stretched my bare legs against the hard floor beneath me and frowned at the dress in front of me. I tapped my finger nail against the opal and let out a small grunt as I stood. I reached out and slid the dress from its hangar, another tear falling from my eye as I did. I slipped the dress over my head and pulled my brown curls out from the neck line. I had applied my makeup not long ago but mascara was already making tracks down my cheeks. I took a damp wipe and removed all traces of makeup from my eyes. I wouldn’t be needing that anyway. Three short honks sounded from my parent’s car, my dad’s signal that it was time to leave. With one last glance in the mirror, and a tap on my opal, I left my childhood bedroom. The July heat hit me like a brick wall. It felt so out of place when compared to the cold that had taken residence within me. My mom gave me a small smile as I slid into the backseat next to my 5 year old brother, Liam. “And we’re off.” My dad said from the driver’s seat, as he had said every time we headed out as a family for as long as I could remember. He said it as if we were headed to the movie theatre, instead of a funeral. Daniel’s funeral. “I spy with my little eye something that is gold.” Liam said from the seat beside me. “Mmmm, your dad’s watch?” My mom asked. “Yes!” Exclaimed Liam. “I spy with my little eye something that is purple.” My dad said, glancing back at him in the rear view mirror. Liam looked around carefully, “My tie!” He laughed, gently smoothing it against his brand new dress shirt. He looked very handsome all dressed up and he was very proud to be wearing a tie just like dad. “I spy with my little eye something that is…… lots of colours all at once.” He said smiling. Instinctively, my fingers wrapped around my opal and I closed my eyes tightly. “Lydia, you gave it away!” He shouted, disappointed. “You’re not even playing.” He mumbled grumpily. “Liam, leave your sister be. She didn’t mean to give anything away.” My mom said. I could feel Liam’s dark blue eyes boring into the side of my face. Blue like the ocean. Blue like Daniel’s. His warm, smiling face flashed in my mind and I quickly turned to look out the window at the trees rushing past as we drove. My mom gave my knee a tight squeeze before turning back to the front. I watched as her hand found my dad’s, resting on the centre console. Their fingers intertwined and my dad gave her hand a light tap with his thumb. I looked down at my hands resting in my lap. The hands that used to fit so well in his. “Stop the car.” I whispered as the tears threatened to fall again. No one heard. “Stop the car!” I shouted into the silence. My mom jumped and whipped around in her seat. “We’ll be there soon, sweetheart.” “Stop. The. Car.” I growled. “Mom, what’s happening?” Liam asked, shakily. “Honey, we will be there in 5 minutes!” I ripped off my seatbelt and grabbed onto the door handle. I made eye contact with my dad in the rear view mirror and he quickly slowed the car down and began pulling onto the shoulder. I didn’t wait for him to come to a complete stop before launching from the backseat into the summer heat. My foot caught on the door frame and I tripped, scraping my knee and the palms of my hands as I landed in the gravel on the side of the road. I heard my mom’s frantic shrieking as she clumsily tried to undo her seatbelt. “Lydia! Lydia! Come back!” “Let her go, Bon.” My dad said gently from her side. “But Leon…” I stopped listening and began to run into the trees. Away from the sound of people angrily honking their horns at my dad’s impromptu parking job. I don’t know how long or how far I ran. I could barely even see where I was going. The tears streaking down my face caused me to trip numerous times. I finally came to rest on a fallen tree near the creek that ran through the middle of town. I grabbed at my chest, the opal dangling through my fingers, and tried to catch my breath. Instead my breathing got more and more laboured and black spots began forming at the peripheral of my vision. “Lydia?” A familiar voice called to me through the trees. Why couldn’t I place that voice? “Lydia? Where are you?” My wild eyes looked around, trying to see through the black trying to take over my vision. “Lydia?” I let out a small whimper of fright in response. “Oh my God, Lydia!” A pair of strong arms wrapped around my shoulders and his face came into view. “Daniel?” I whispered in shock. “How are you…?” “Lydia, look at me, I think you’re having a panic attack.” Daniel said, placing the palm of my hand against his chest. “I want you to match your breathing to mine, ok? Breathe with me, in… and out.” I nodded, not taking my eyes off of his. Blue like the ocean. I felt his chest rising and falling beneath my hand and I closed my eyes and leaned into him. His arms tightened around my shoulders. In and out. I thought. In and out.