Belonging Season

LEVI LOPEZ I never thought that it is possible to feel happy and hurt at the same time. Watching Third claim Clara's lips is like watching someone put a bullet on my lonely heart. It was excruciating and yet I can do nothing but to endure it. I smile bitterly when everyone congratulated their engagement. Gusto kong tumutol. Gusto kong sabihin na hindi nya pwedeng pakasalan si Clara, na akin lang si Clara at hindi sya pwedeng mapunta sa iba. But what can I do when I was the one who decided this? What rights do I have when all I gave her was pain and heartache? Clara deserves all the love in the world pero ano ang ginawa ko? I chose to broke her. I promised her the world but put her through hell. I killed our dreams when all she wanted was to build every possible dreams she had on mind with me. I took her for granted thinking that she'll always be here to accept and love me despite of everything. I decided to broke her trust. And it was also me who killed our precious little one. My baby. Her treasure. Kasalanan ko ang lahat. Why Clara and I ended up like this is all my fault and all I can do now is to live with the regrets of what I did. Inilapag ko ang wine glass na hawak sa lamesa matapos ang pagtugtog and decided to leave. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko pa nga ba hinayaan ang sariling masaksihan ang masakit na pangyayaring iyon. I had a choice. To run and hide. Pero mas pinili kong i-congratulate silang dalawa bagaman alam kong ganito ang kahihitnan ko. I decided to hurt myself. And now, I can feel my world crumpled to the ground without the slightest idea of how to fix it. I walked towards the darkest side, slowly turning away from the happiest day of her life and my most painful one. This is the closure I wanted for myself pero bakit pakiramdam ko ay unfair pa rin ito sa side ko? Why do I still feel that I deserve a second chance after everthing; na dapat ako ang nakaluhod doon at muling humihingi ng kanyang kamay? I took a last glance bago lumiko para pumasok sa bar na naroon sa malapit. I ordered hard drinks thinking na sa pamamagitan non ay mawawala ang sakit na nararamdaman ko but what I experienced is the opposite because instead of taking away the pain, the alcohol brought me back to the last place I wanted to be. Our memories. Where Clara and I are slowly building our own world. Isa-isang nagbabalik sa isip ko ang ala-ala naming dalawa kaya naman nang maitungga ko ang huling baso ay agad akong lumabas ng bar. Pinili kong maupo sa gilid ng dagat, hinahayaan na hampasin ako ng malamig na alon habang dinadama ang bawat pakiramdam ng pagdamba sa aking dibdib. I feel empty inside. "Pvtvng vnv mo, Vince!" Walang buhay na lumingon ako sa pinanggalingan ng tinig. I heard it a thousand times. That same curse. And there, I saw a woman in a white gown repeatedly shouting the same thing. Siguro, tulad ko ay broken hearted din sya pero maybe my situation is far worse than hers. "Pvtvng vnv mo." Muling salita nya saka lumuluhang ibinagsak ang sarili sa buhangin. "Maganda naman ako pero bakit mo ako ipinagpalit sa mukhang tahong na babaeng yon?!" Siguro, kung si Clara ang nagsabi non ay matatawa pa ako. Her habits of insulting everyone lalo ng mga taong minsan ay hindi nya gusto is cute or maybe I am crazy about thinking it is cute when it's bad because she's Clara. She's my girl. My love and my world. She was. I smiled bitterly with the thought. When everything became silent and blurry, I took the chance to stood up. I went here para mapag-isa but this girl is ruining everything. "Pathetic." I whispered as I walked away. We both look pathetic in a different way. I, as a person who loves to hurt himself and she, as someone comparing herself to other woman as if it will give her a chance to have that Vince-whoever back. "Anong sinabi mo?" Rinig kong tanong nya dahilan para mapahinto ako sa paglalakad. Kunot ang noong nilingon ko sya and instantly, I can see how pissed she was using her deep brown eyes. "What?" "Ulitin mo nga yang sinabi mo!" She shouted. Hinawakan nya ang laylayan ng gown na suot saka tumayo. Clara and this girl have something in common. Palaban. "Pare-parehas lang kayong mga lalaki! Mga gvgv!" Biglang pagwawala nya. That moment, I realized how fvcked I am as I watch her shake the sand off of her white ball-typed gown. It was a fvcking wedding gown! Her wedding gown. "Are you okay?" I asked with worries. I know how it felt. Iyon pa nga lang na nakita mong inaangkin ng iba ang mahal mo ay masakit na, paano pa kaya ang nararamdaman ng babaeng ito? "Don't waste your tears. There are people who are willing to sacrifice everything just to be.....with you." Papahinang saad ko saka nilingon ang gawi nila Clara. She's smiling widely. The smile I broke is now back. "Do you want to have svx with me?" Mabilis kong ibalik ang paningin sa kanyang gawin. Her make up is now ruined. Malamang ay dahil sa pag-iyak. Her eyes puff but her lips is smiling widely at me. Pinanlakihan nya ako ng mata saka mas lalong inilapit ang kanyang mukha. "Have svx with me," she repeats. I couldn't believe what I am hearing. Full of disgust, I look into her eyes and put my pointy finger on her forehead to push her. "Are you out of your mind?" "Ano? One night. Just one night tapos hindi na tayo magkikita pa." Pangungulit nya. She is holding her other hand habang nakataas ang hintuturo nya at parang bata na nakikiusap as if asking for svx is like asking for a lollipop. "I'll show Vince that I can live on my own and be adventurous tulad ng babaeng tahong na iyon." Dagdag nya pa saka matalim na tumingin sa buhanginan as if trying to kill someone there. I am speechless. I get the idea of people throwing themselves to me pero ngayon ay parang kakaiba. She has this vibe na hindi ko maipaliwanag and I am not liking this. Clara. She was broken when I decided to tell her my feelings but she didn't ask this. She's just....different. "Excuse me. I need to—" "Please," aniya saka hinarangan ang tangka kong pag-alis. "Just this one. No strings attached. 'Pag tapos natin, you can leave and be on your own way—" "I don't want to." Matigas na pagtanggi ko. "I know you're broken and hurt but don't give that Vince-whoever the satisfaction of proving that he's right to leave you, Missy. You are more than this. You are enough and you are—" But I didn't get the chance to finish what I am saying when she grab me and claim my lips in a horrible way. She's not a good kisser. "Ano ba?" Inis na tanong ko habang hawak ang parehong balikat nya na pinipigilan sya sa kanyang muling pagsunggab sa akin. "Just one night. Please." "No. Excuse me," I said and walked away. That girl is crazy, I swear!