I Am Angel

When Will It Change?

Almost 2 years before my grandpa passed away he tried to help my father by letting him live with us. I know why he did it he did it for me so I could know what it was like to have my father in my life. After my father moved out however, and I was cleaning out his things from the house is when I finally realized something…my father didn't believe he had what it took to be a dad. It didn't take finding his stash of drugs for me to figure it out. He always told me I was too smart for my own good.

But, my papa told me atleast he tried, there's still hope for him.

So, I gave him chance after chance to be apart of my life. I kept trying,while he kept failing. After my papa passed away though my trying got more frequent because since my protector was gone I thought my dad would have to come around. I was wrong. He never came to see me, I only got to see him every 6 months if I was lucky. My older brothers and sisters from his previous relationships never came around to see me at all. I remember feeling so unwanted by him. That I wasn't good enough for him to be clean and stick around.

That is when my depression deepened almost to the point of no return.

My mother already had me on medicine since age 9 because she didn't want to deal with me or my wild spirit as my grandpa used to say.

But if I never needed the first place it wasn't going to work. Which is why it didn't work at all.

With my father not wanting me,my mother not wanting to deal with me and, my grandpa being gone I truly did not want to live anymore. Which lead to countless hospital stays from age 13 to 18 for trying to commit suicide. Whenever I would be released from the hospital family and friends (that I had at the times) would always say if you need anything or feel that your getting bad again please call them.

But like clockwork as soon as I would call I would get the answering machines.

So I stop listening to those words, they meant nothing to me. Same song and dance over & over. How I thought was if the person I wanted never came to see me, why should I care?

So I began not to care.