Bittersweet (English)

CHAPTER 25

The sky was painted red and black. It was already seven in the evening but the sun was just setting. Not unusual for residents in this part of the country. It was rather beautiful scenery.

But Kaye couldn’t appreciate the view right now. Her eyes were glued to the ground.

They had been silent for some time since they left the cafe. She was anxious, especially since Mykel never spoke a word after dragging her out.

“Do you uh -- are we stopping by somewhere?” She asked reluctantly. Mykel never stopped walking aimlessly in the opposite direction of their home. 

This is killing me. Kaye screamed inwardly. She shut her eyes for a minute. She couldn’t gather up the courage to ask him any further.

“We need to talk.” Mykel paused for a moment and stared at her. “Seriously.”

The firmness on his voice was threatening. Enough to send shivers through her spine. She kept wishing none of this would happen. But it was inevitable.

“A- alright.”

She followed him to the empty park. A fitting place for a dramatic confrontation.

Mykel stood under the old oak tree. “I don’t see any reason prolonging this.”

Kaye halted her steps as Mykel shared his thoughts out loud. She never practiced for this situation as she had been too comfortable playing the ignorant.

“Mykel, I thought we’re over this.”

Mykel wrinkled his brows in disbelief. “No, we're not. As far as I remember that was just you trying to overlook everything.”

“Please…I only want what’s best for you,” Kaye pleaded. She kept walking ahead just to avoid his gaze.

“Funny. I think I’m the only one who can decide that.”

His eyes and words were piercing her. She wasn’t insensitive enough to evade the painful look in his eyes. The wind was strong yet her hands were sweating. Her ears kept ringing because of the hard pounding in her chest. 

“God Kaye. I’ve been doing everything I could to take my life back. With you in it. But you kept on pushing me away,” Mykel raised his voice with a sound of desperation.

“No please, Mykel. You know full well why I can’t.” Contrary to Mykel, Kaye had been keeping her voice down. This way, she felt like she could keep her emotions in check. “I don’t want to hurt you any further than I did.”

“Of course, I’m hurt. I’ve been hating myself for being so damn annoying.”

Kaye flinched in surprise. She was well aware of her doings. She just wanted to stay still and never utter a word so as not to deepen the damage.

“Wake up, Kaye! We can never deny this any longer.”

Kaye tried to focus on her breathing. Slow and steady. She kept looking up avoiding his gaze. Tears were dangerously building on the edge of her eyes. 

Oh, God. I want to leave this place right now. She thought to herself. This was pure torture.

“Don’t you want to be happy, Kaye?” Mykel said in a more calm tone. He looked at her while she averted her eyes. “Because I’m confident I can make you happy for the rest of our life.”

Kaye whimpered. She couldn’t keep her emotions at bay. She felt her face burn up. Her tears finally fell. All she could think about was ’I don’t deserve this man.’

“Mykel--. Unlike you, I don’t have that confidence to make you happy.”

Her voice was shaking upon declaration. It was the truth. And it was painful to say. Her throat was tightening and her chest was tensed. She sobbed as she spoke her next words.

“I’ve hurt and broke you in ways I cannot change. I--I just can’t. So, please. Don’t bother yourself with me anymore.”

Kaye continued tearing in pain behind her trembling hands. 

“Then tell me. Do you hate me?” Mykel grabbed her hands. Forcing her to look at his damped eyes. His voice began to c***k. “You said you’d love me even in our next lives.”

Kaye pressed her lips. Dragging these feelings would just make life painful to live in.

“I can never hate you. Even with the distance, time, and the incident with Damian, I never stopped loving you.”

“Don’t mention his name!” Mykel yelled furiously. 

Just hearing the name of the person who caused them pain was enough for him to go berserk.

As for Kaye, she intentionally said the name although it pained her too. A simple name could trigger hateful and regrettable memories. She didn’t want to reminisce such things but she had to make a point.

“Even so, Mykel, you know we can’t avoid that forever. Isn’t that why you told me we needed to talk?” 

Mykel grunted and curled on the ground. He hated that person as much as she does. They wouldn’t be in this situation if not for him.

“We wouldn’t be at this point if I listened to you.” Mykel scratched his head trying to dispose of the awful memories. “I should’ve stayed with you. You would never have left the house.”

“I felt so low and disgusted because of what I did. I didn’t want to hurt you anymore so I decided to leave.”

Mykel lifted his head and held her hands. “I’m sorry. I am disappointed in myself for having you face everything alone. I was terrified. We’ve spent our whole lives together that not having you beside me made the house so empty.”

Flashes of what had happened kept playing on Kaye’s mind. The view of his back on her as he left the door. Hours of waiting for him to return. Calls and texts that were unanswered. She bit her lip as she endured the clenching pain in her heart. 

“You suddenly left without giving me a chance. I was desperate and I felt miserable. I waited for you but I later thought whatever the circumstances were, what I did was unforgivable.”

“And I regretted that! I know I am a jerk for leaving you like that. I didn’t know what to do when I returned to an empty house.”

Kaye’s tears were flowing freely. But whatever words came out, the wound just kept getting deeper. 

"I was scared! I am still scared. More than anything I didn’t want to see you look at me with such disdain.”

“Do you think of me like that?” Mykel’s eyes narrowed in surprise. Though he can’t blame Kaye for thinking that way given he had left the house abruptly. Still, he wasn’t the type to do that to the person he cherished. “Naturally, I was mad. And I didn’t want to hear any more of what happened. But not because I was disgusted by you.”

“Honestly, I cannot guarantee your happiness with me. I can’t even forgive myself and you deserve better, Mykel.”

Mykel fell silent. Different emotions were swimming on his face. Yet disbelief and anger were more obvious. For a moment, only the unrestrained loud cry could be heard between them.

“Ah... Wha---,” Mykel stuttered. He shook his head, trying to deny the words she said. “Seriously? Are you blatantly telling me to look for someone else?”

Truth was, she didn’t want that. Just a mere thought of Mykel marrying another was dreadful. But would a sullied relationship deserve a second chance? 

“I don’t know.” The only words that came out of her confused state. “You know I still love you but this feeling would keep on lingering. I only wished for it to disappear.” 

Mykel lifted her chin. His brows were wrinkled as he looked at her lovingly with sad eyes. 

“Look at me. Do my eyes say I hate you? Kaye, I never imagined my life without you.”

Kaye couldn’t respond. Like her, he also fought strings of emotions they have been burdened with for a long time. She watched in awe as Mykel laughed.

“Oh, God. I can’t believe it.” Mykel said as he brushed back his hair. He snorted. “You telling me to give up had never been more agonizing than you ignoring my feelings the whole time.”

Mykel sat, leaning on the bench. He looked up seeing the fall of the sun barely visible on the horizon. His arms slumped to his sides as he closed his eyes. He felt calm now.

“Honestly, I wanted it too. Like you said years ago. I feel so pathetic. For many many years, I’ve been pining over the same lady who kept brushing me off.”

Kaye wanted to avoid eye contact. Her determination to end this would waver if she did. Never would she want to inflict more pain on anyone. Especially to Mykel. 

She took a deep breath and sat beside him. She placed her shaking hands on her lap. Her tears and snot were all over. She kept brushing it off but it won’t stop flowing. 

Her heart tightened in pain. She took a few more deep breaths. Trying to appease herself with these emotions wasn’t an easy task. She balled her fists to keep her hands from shaking.

“I’m sorry,” Kaye's voice cracked.