Mafia Doll

HOUSTON, TEXAS VANESSA ORTIZ The tray slices my hands from the weight and the tiredness underneath it. “Table five, Vane—and hurry up, the gentleman’s been waiting.” Perla’s voice reaches me from the register; she doesn’t look, she orders, like always. I nod, settle the glasses, and walk out of the kitchen with the cheap smile I’ve been wearing since six. The man at five sports a big watch and short patience. When I set down the plates, his hand moves like it’s part of the silverware: he tries to brush my hip, low, like he’s testing the ground. I block it with my forearm without spilling a drop and say “Excuse me” in the most neutral voice I’ve got. He looks at me with a half-smile—the kind that isn’t joy but habit. Some people confuse being served at a table with helping themselves to a woman. I breathe. I straighten up. I pass out napkins. “Anything else?” He jerks his chin toward my chest as if he were asking for extra sauce. “Something else,” he repeats, and his friend laughs without showing his teeth. I ignore him. I press the tray against me, an aluminum armor, and take two steps back: distance and air. “Perla, can you help me with six?” I say, and six shows up like a lifeline: a couple hungry and short on time. It’s not the first time, and it won’t be the last. At this hour, the restaurant fills with hurry, with men who think their bill also buys them permission to touch. I drop cutlery, weave between tables, run straws, jot orders. The manager disappeared an hour ago and left us “extended shift” stuck in the chat, nothing else: closeout, waste count, camera review. Perla complains her back hurts, I complain the white light scrapes my eyes. We keep going. On a mini bathroom break, I catch my face in the mirror: dark circles carved in, hair tied back like a chore someone did reluctantly. I wash my hands, and the grease doesn’t quite come off. The phone vibrates before I open the door. “Are you going to make it?” Aunt Carmen’s voice comes in warm but wrinkled with worry. “We were thinking of grabbing some quesadillas—your grandma’s craving them.” “Auntie, they put me on an extra shift. I’m really sorry. I’ll be late. Save me one, even if it’s cold.” She sighs, but softens. Grandma asks something in the background, my aunt answers low and comes back to me: “All right. But I want you to be careful. Call me when you leave.” “Promise.” I hang up. I rest my forehead against the door for a second. Sometimes I wonder how many more times I’m going to repeat this scene: apologize for not making it, promise to be careful, hang up and keep going. Then I head back to the floor. Perla catches me in the hallway with a pitcher of soda. “Five stiffed you on the tip, just watch.” I shrug. “Let them keep it; I can better afford respect,” I think, but I don’t say it. What I do is turn toward the table and, with the same smile as before, ask if everything’s to their liking. Let them eat and go. Let them go. The clock lurches forward until, finally, we close out the register. We stash the stale bread in labeled bags, write down what got tossed, clean the griddles. The manager sends a “thanks team” with a sweaty emoji that makes me want to turn the world off. Perla nudges me with her elbow: “Chin up, Vane, almost there.” And yeah: almost there. Outside, the street breathes different. I turn off the last light, pull down the metal gate, sling on my backpack. It’s exactly 1:30 a.m. when I turn the key in the door and the silence of the parking lot bites at my ears. I prefer the bike to the bus: two wheels, a squealing brake, and the illusion that I control something, even if it’s just the speed. I mount up and pedal to the corner. In the alley across from the restaurant, there are men who don’t eat here but “work” around it: they smoke, play cards on an upside-down box, keep watch without moving. These are looks that weigh more than a hand. One whistles toward the avenue, another makes a small gesture with his fingers. They’re not calling me; they’re signaling. I lower my head just enough, keep my eyes open for the corners. By the time the one in the middle looks up, I’ve already passed. The air smells like cheap cigarettes and cold oil. There, with the pedaling and the buzz of the chain, the things I don’t say out loud pile up. Sometimes this script we’re handed infuriates me: being a woman, being poor, are two layers of noise no one wants to hear. Enduring stares, pushing away hands, making schedules that don’t add up, sleeping little. At home you don’t cry: you cook, you wash, you go out. Tenderness exists, but it speaks quietly. And I, who study architecture, cling to the absurd idea that one day I’m going to align more than a wall: my life, Grandma’s, Aunt Carmen’s, Pamela’s. Raise a roof that doesn’t fall at the first wind. It’s a practical dream: plan, budget, time. Nothing epic. Just getting out. About my parents I know what’s indispensable and just enough to hurt. They both died when I was three. All I have left are blurry memories and the scraps of their story Grandma gives me. She says my dad was a soldier—not the kind who wears a uniform for a country, but the kind who serves something darker. He was part of a cartel. Young, reckless, and loyal to men who knew only blood and money. My mom loved him anyway. Or maybe she didn’t know who he really was until it was too late. They killed them both before I understood the word “death.” Grandma never gives me all the details, just enough to understand their lives ended in violence. That they left me in the middle of a war I was never meant to see. Sometimes I wonder what they were like outside that world: how my mother’s laugh sounded, or whether my father ever held me without fear in his eyes. But I only have loose pieces. And Grandma’s voice when she tells me, “You have your mother’s hands. And your father’s fire.” The chain clears its throat like it’s chewing sand as I cross into Midtown. The neighborhood changes skin at this hour: restaurants pulling down shutters like tired eyelids, bars half-lit for those who don’t want to sleep. My city doesn’t become safe; it just lowers its voice. And I become more alert: if a patrol car rolls by with its lights off, I hug the edge; if a delivery rider comes at me in the bike lane, I yield even if I’m in the right. I think about Pamela. We’re two names that grew up stuck together and now pass each other from a distance: her shift at The Copper Lounge, mine here. She gave me an old camera and with it I filled the wall with proof that life isn’t just this: Grandma’s toothless grin, Aunt Carmen with flour on her fingers, a sky without wires for five minutes. When I miss her, I stare at those photos until the hollow gets smaller. There’s no Pamela without Vanessa, or Vanessa without Pamela. We spent our days playing in the street and our nights sharing secrets. Honestly, I can’t imagine life without her. Luckily, she and Aunt Carmen live right across the street. Since Pamela got that job as a waitress at a bar, we spend less and less time together. To be fair, I’m busy too—between college and my part-time job at a fast-food place. We hardly see each other, except for one class we share. I turn toward downtown. I hadn’t planned on passing by the bar, but the head doesn’t always decide. I want to see her, even from afar. To know she made it, that she’s breathing. That we’re still on the same side of the night. I pedal a little more and, as I turn, the red marquee bites at my eyes: The Copper Lounge, cut out against a sky that never quite darkens because the city never leaves it alone. I brake with the bike between my legs. I do the usual sweep: main door, side exit by the dumpster, a camera up on the corner, a guard with an earpiece checking a list on his phone. Outside smells like spilled alcohol and sweet cologne. A woman fixes her lipstick using her phone as a mirror; a guy laughs too loudly, like he wants to be heard. Two people argue in hushed voices by the wall. All of it happens like I don’t exist, and I like that: passing without leaving ripples. I adjust the lock, lean the bike against the wall, before going in. Lively music spills out of the open door just as a young woman staggers out, drunk, hanging on the arm of a man easily twice her age. I freeze in front of them, eyes slightly wide.