Midnight Smiles

Trust Jake to always make bad decisions

Have you noticed how many times I have called myself an i***t? Seriously that word was becoming my middle name. That’s how many times I have called myself an i***t. And I won’t stop till I stop being one. Seriously what was with me getting obsessed with Ryder? Okay this is too much.

I went to my drawer and searched for the drug I hid there. This was going too far. It wasn’t sane to get addicted to a girl like it was drug. There was no way I was going to compare Ry with drugs.

Where the hell is that drug?

I’m not going to meet her again. In that way I will bring only problems to her. It is a safe way to ruin her life. Why complicate it? She has a simple life. Has a good.... OKAY, she has a crazy friend. (I was that much of a stalker to know her friend too) good grades.... (I knew that too) not problems like mine. My life was involved in drugs, pain, depression.... How could I take her simple life from her to make mine better? I may have taken bad decisions in my life, but ruining her life won’t be one of them. I wasn’t going to allow that.

Where the f**k is that drug???

My hand touched the plastic packet. FINALLY.

“JAKE!!! DAD IS HERE.” Aiden shouted, making me drop the packet and hit the head against the drawer as I jumped up in surprise. f**k!!!

Ouch, that hurt. Like a lot.

Rubbing my head, I glared at Aiden who was now leaning against the door of my room. “Dad is home.” He said with a calm voice. The look he was holding... He knew what I was about to do. And he didn’t look happy about it. And yet... He wasn’t angry... It was more like he was disappointed.

“Well, thanks for informing me in such a humanely way.” I stood up and walked out of the room. Aiden followed me back, but now in his face was a small smile. So small it was almost unrecognizable. But I noticed it.

Why was he smiling?

Why... The little prick tricked me. I left the drug. Ughhhhhhh!!!

Dad was sitting in the living room facing the door. Everything about him screamed success... If only he could have success in the family direction. How could he just give up from us in the way he did? We are his sons for the love of God. He can’t just forget about us anytime he felt like that.

“Welcome in our modest home.” I greeted him like those ancient English people in the movies, not even trying to hide the sarcasm.

Dad obviously noticed it and glared at me. Oh I can feel the love. Please don’t love me so much. So much sweetness will leave me toothless.

“You should have left this house two years ago.” His voice was rough. Okay, I admit that I noticed pain in his voice, but it pained us too that he isn’t there when we need him the most.

“So Aiden could be all alone by himself? No thanks, I think I will be around a little more... Like till he graduates.” I glared at him.

“It’s not like he will be missing a lot without you around. A drugged big brother.” He said those words with so much venom, it hurt.

“Enough.” Aiden shouted. The look in his face, made me feel so bad. Like all of what had happened was my fault. His eyes turned to me looking pleading.

“At least I am around.” With that said, I left the room, making my way out of the house. The moment I stepped outside, it felt like I could finally breathe. It was like I was holding my breath in front of him.

I closed my eyes taking a deep breath... But memories hit me hard, and I felt like choking. All that blood... The lifeless body... The blood in my hands... In my feet... Everywhere...

Before I could notice it, I was on the ground, probably broke an ass bone. There are bones in the ass aren’t they? I felt like crying... And that’s what I did. Sitting in the middle of the street, my whole body shook as I felt tears rolling down. It was so much to handle... If only I could forget...

The drug crossed my mind... But somehow it hurt thinking about it. The words my father said hurt. But I couldn’t blame him, could I? I was thinking only about myself when I took that drug... But if I didn’t... I would go crazy... And I needed sleep. It had been almost a week since I last slept.

I got up from the street and kept walking, not giving a s**t about the people who were giving me weird looks. Probably because it was obvious that I haven’t slept in a while and the tears had made my eyes look even worse than before... So. To sum up I was a total mess.

I don’t know how... But I ended up in Natalie’s house. It was a small apartment in the city centre. It wasn’t like I hadn’t been here before, but just like the first time, I felt weird being at her house.

Knocking twice, I waited for her to open the door. After two minutes or so the door opened with Natalie showing up behind it, her face shocked from seeing me. “Jake are you okay?” Her voice was concerned.

“Obviously not.” I said with a rough tone, but thankfully she ignored it and let me in.

We walked in the living room and sat in a couch. Her hand was on my back tapping it lightly in a comforting way. “What happened?” Her voice was low and soft.

“Do you have one of those pills?” She raised an eyebrow at me confused. I let out a tired sigh. “The ones you use to sleep. You have sleeping problems don’t you? So you take pills.” Her face was blank as I was talking. “Can you give me some?”

“Jake I don’t think...” Natalie started to say.

“Please. All I want now is to sleep.”

Her eyes were glued to me for what looked like hours. It was like she wanted me to change my mind. But I was so tired. Tired of everything... Of not being able to sleep... Of those nightmares... Tired of trying to forget myself by taking drugs... Tired of those flashbacks...

“Okay.” She nodded giving up. “You can sleep in the guest’s room.” With that said, she got up and walked to her bedroom.

I walked to the guest’s room feeling more and more tired. The sight of the bed was so heart warming, but all I could do as I looked at it was to pray. I was praying to God to don’t see those nightmares. Because every time saw them... Everything started again from the beginning. The pain... The mental images in my mind... The memories would be so fresh... Would look so real...

Natalie entered the room with the pills in her hand and worry in her eyes. This is why I didn’t want to see Ry again. If I kept meeting her, she would see me in the way everyone sees me. Her look would change every time she sees me. It won’t be happy. The same thing happened to Aiden... To Natalie... I didn’t want that to happen to her.

Natalie gave me the pills... More than I needed and locked her eyes with mine. “Everything will be alright one day Jake.” I sighed at her words. I gave up from those words a while ago. “Trust me. I know it.”

She smiled at me and then left me alone, by closing the door behind her. I sat on the bed and stared at the pills in my head. There were like almost ten pills. Suicide...

It was never an option.

Is it even possible to kill yourself with these kinds of pills.

I left eight pills in the desk near the bed and took the two left. Taking off the hoodie I was wearing, leaving myself shirtless, I lied down in the bed covering myself in the warm blankets. The pills were doing their job, as I felt myself drifting slowly into sleep.

I didn’t need the pills to fall asleep. I need them to make my sleep dreamless. No dreams, no nightmares. No pain... No dark memories...

Blood...

***

“Jake...”

“No!!!” I shouted as I sat up immediately breathing heavily. My body was covered in cold sweat.

That’s why I don’t want to sleep. No matter what, I can’t avoid the nightmares. And that’s the reason why I took drugs. Not the best decision in my life... I never thought of it like that. In fact I hated myself for that. But I was weak... I still am. I’m such a weak asshole.

Looking around the room, I noticed... That I couldn’t notice anything at all. It was night. I took the phone in my hand to see the time. It was almost midnight.

The first thing I thought was Ry. But I shook my head hard at that. No... No... I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t bring darkness in her life. Like I decided earlier today, I will stay away from her.

But I promised her.

Well I have to keep that promise.

And that’s all it took for me to get dressed and go to her house.

Seriously I’m the worst person in doing the right thing. It was like if you want anyone to do always the wrong thing, call me. Jake... The bad decision taker. Trust Jake to always make bad decisions. To always give up easily. You can contact us in our email as well.

What the f**k is wrong with my head?

When I finally was on her window, which this time she had closed it, I knocked on it and waited for her to open it. Why should I wake her up? I don’t want to ruin her sleep... But I wanted to see her. I needed to see her...

I knocked again.

Words came from the inside the room. Was she talking to herself? Or was she one of those who talk in sleep? QThat would be funny... Hmm... I should write it in my book. In fact sleeping walking would make the book really interesting...

Ugh!!! What the f**k Jake? You are behind the window waiting for a girl to open it so you can get in her room in the middle of the night. And what do I do? I think about what to write in my book. Do I need to say that I’m an i***t again?

The window opened snapping me out of my thoughts, and as soon as I was faced with her figure, I smiled. Wow... I smiled... After all happened today... Well now it’s midnight so it actually happened yesterday... Anyway... I still smiled?

“Hi!” I whispered as I noticed her smiling.

I liked it when she smiled at me. It wasn’t like the smiles the others gave to me. It was almost like she was happy to see me. Ry... Why do I even call her like that? I don’t know. I just liked it. Where was I? Oh yeah... Ry stepped back letting me in. But the moment my foot stepped on the floor, I heard a second voice.

What the f**k!!!

“What the actual hell!!!” A girl hissed at the same time I thought that. She ran to the wall to switch the lights on. My eyes widened scared that Ry would be able to see my face. The instic told me to keep the hood in my face tighter almost leaving myself breathless. But to my surprise, Ry stopped her when her hand was on the switcher.

“Don’t.” Her voice sounded pleading.

“Who the hell is he Ryder? What is he doing in your room in the middle of the night?” The girl sounded horrified. She probably was Ry’s best friend. What was her name? Jasmine?

Ry pulled her away from the switcher and sat her on her bed while Jasmine’s eyes were glued to me. I leaned against the wall not moving at all. If you ask me I was curious what Ry would do. Why did she stopped her friend from switching the lights on? She could have the chance to see me and no one would blame her. She could easily blame it to her friend and I couldn’t do anything about it.

“He is... my friend.” I heard Ry say as she turned her head to see me. She smiled at me. Again that smile... Seriously I couldn’t resist her smile. So like the guy who could give up easily, I gave in... Obviously and smiled at her.

“Who the hell are you?” Her friend asked me. But not wanting to answer, I just shrugged not talking at all.

“He is Midnight.” Ry answered for me and Jasmine looked at her like she had gone insane. The laugh was about to burst out of me. This moment was so priceless. Her friend looked at Ry and then to me and then back to Ry. Okay, seriously this was hilarious.

“He is your f**k body!!!” Jasmine gasped and with that I started to choke and just to make it even worse I was blushing. What the f**k? I was blushing? “You didn’t even told me you weren’t a virgin anymore you b***h!” She continued as I barely heard her because I was still freaking choking.

Ryder slapped her mouth shut as she was looking at my way. I tried to hide the blush as much as I could. Okay Jake. Stop the blushing. Why are you even blushing?

“What the hell Jass? He is only my friend.” Ry said and her friend stared at her for what looked like years. And then shrugged. Wow. This girl is something for sure.

Ry looked at me.

I should go. Maybe I should tell her that I can’t come in her room again. All of this is just so stupid.

I gestured to her to come to me. She just walked to me without thinking about it. But as she walked close to me, I don’t know why, but I wanted to be even more close to her. My face was inches away from her as I whispered in her ear, my lips brushing it. What are you doing Jake? “I better get go.”

You can do it. Just tell her you can’t come again to meet her.

“But...” Her voice sounded sad and disappointed. That broke my already broken heart. How could she do that? You can not break the broken. But her sad voice managed to make me feel bad.

“Sit!” Jasmine commanded as she walked to us. My hands went to my hood. I frowned as that crazy friend walked closer to us. She could be that much crazy to take my hood away.

“Sit dude!” She said sitting on the floor. I looked her and then to Ry.

Leave. Leave you i***t.

And I sat.

I’m such an i***t.

I sat leaning against the wall, as Ry sat too, not too far from me. A smile escaped from my lips as I noticed it.

“Why he isn’t taking off his hood? I want to see his face.” Ha! Forget it lady!

Ry bit her lower lip and looked down on the floor. I frowned at that. She was looking bad in front of her best friend because of me. I was making her feel uncomfortable. “He doesn’t want to show his face.” Her eyes turned to me.

“What do you mean? You haven't seen his face?” Jasmine said in disbelief. Ry nodded not taking her eyes off me. We were staring at each other. I couldn’t do this to her. It was so mean from me to act like everything is right in my life when I’m with her. To act like. I was alright. I was acting, right?

“And why are you calling him Midnight? Is he....”

“I don’t know his name too. It’s a nickname.” She said and I felt even more bad. But I still didn’t want to show her who was I. Maybe...

What if I tested her... Okay I’m not putting it like that. What if I let her know me first? Know me like I was. Broken... Depressed... Crazy.... A total idiot.... With demons in me...

“I’m leaving. Seriously this is too much.” Jasmine said getting up and walked to the door. That snapped me out of my thoughts. “You will tell me everything after he leaves. I will be in the kitchen.” And with that said she left us alone. If she didn’t like me because of who... What I was... Then it would be better. The decision would be hers and there would be nothing I could do about that. Because as you have noticed I’m not good with decisions.

“What colour are your eyes?” She asked out of the blue. Her hands were playing with the edge of her shirt, not daring to look at me. I smiled at her.

“Why do you want to know?” I asked with a soft voice.

“So I can imagine them.” Her eyes looked up at me. Her words made my smile go wide. How could I stay away from her... when I found peace when I was with her?

I’m selfish.

I walked away from the window and took off my hood. She didn’t move an inch as I walked in the other side of the bedroom which was in complete darkness so she wouldn’t be able to see my face. She walked closer to me. “I would tell you... if I wasn’t scared that you might find out who I am.” The words came out so easily. Lies... She wouldn’t know me anyway. I would be just a stranger. But now I knew what to do.

“What’s the problem with that?” She frowned as I smiled at her. She was so beautiful. My hand brushed away from her face some hair, my fingers touching her face lightly on the process. I’m insane.

TAKE ME TO THE ASYLUM.

“I want you to know this side of me, before you meet the other side. I want you too know the side of me no one knows. That part of me that I try to hide from everyone. I want you to see it Ry. And if you will still want to meet me after that, I promise I will tell you who I am.” In the most serious tone I could speak to, the words just slipped my mouth as I was still staring at her.

I will show her my dark part... My darkest part of me.

What was I doing to her wasn’t fair. I was being a total jerk. But in those moments all I could think about was that, I didn’t want her out of my life. I didn’t want to be out of her life.