Ghost

Prologue "Cass, pumayag na nga pala si Annie na samahan ko siya sa New York! Imagine, magiging kami na! Thank goodness nandyan ka palagi kahit na... with benefits and friendship natin. I never imagined na magiging ganito tayo kaclose na tipong magbestfriends pa rin tayo kahit pa may gingawa tayong iba. Thank you Cass for saving me, at ngayon matutupad na ang pangarap ko." Benedict hugged me tight as he held tightly onto me. Pakiramdam ko tinangay na niya ang natitirang hangin na nananalaytay sa baga ko. Pakiramdam ko namatay na ako. "A-annie s-said yes? A-akala ko ba iniwanan ka na niya? I thought we finally had a chance, Benedict? Why are you leaving me hanging?" I looked at him with my eyes stinging from hot tears flowing on my cheeks. Pakiramdam ko hinahati ang puso ko sa sakit. I hate to admit my defeat, but I can see things going smoothly for him and harder for me. He looked at me. "Cass, akala ko ba naintindihan mo ang lahat? I thought you get our relationship as purely physical? Hindi mo ba maintindihan na hindi tayo nagkaroon ng kahit anong relasyon? We're just friends with f*****g and tutoring. Alam mong tinutulungan lang kita dito sa pag-aaral mo para makapagmedicine pero to think na ikaw at hindi si Annie? Come on, be realistic." He lit a cigarette and stood up with his naked bodice showing in front of me. Gamitan. Oo, ginamit lang niya ako habang si Annie na santa sa lahat ay pupunta ng New York para pumasok sa Julliard. Si Annie pa rin ang gusto ng lahat. Si Annie... lagi na lang si Annie. She's been the sister I never had and a really great neighbor sa amin ni Anthony. Bata pa lang kami kababata na namin sila Annie at Benedict. Benedict is already a doctor but still earning his specialization in Emergency Medicine, while Annie dropped out of college and waited until Julliard called her. At the age 23, she still managed to be a student in Julliard. Bakit kaya si Annie na lang palagi ang gusto ng lahat? I'm the smarter one. I'm the one with honors, but why? Benedict never gave me his attention, but only his raging hormones kaya naman kahit 'yun ay pinatos ko na. Oo, ganito ako Katanga pagdating kay Benedict. I love with all of my heart and soul kahit na bata pa lang ako wala akong pagdadalawang isip at ibinigay ko sa kanya ang aking sarili. I lost my chastity at the age of 18 and it was him until today. I love him, and yet si Annie pa rin ang bukambibig niya. His world is revolving around the sweet Annie. "Akala ko ba hindi ka niya gusto?!"  I asked him again. "She likes me and I like her too! Wala akong nakikitang masama doon kaya please lang, don't act like a jealous girlfriend kasi wala naman tayong relasyon! I thought we're only doing each other to relieve each other's itch?! Yes, you're young and beautiful that you can seduce me in a split second but I love Annie! I do things with you that I can't do with her." "Pucha, pampalipas oras lang pala ako, Benedict. You had me at your worst, kahit na wasak na wasak ka kasi naging sila ni kuya Anton hindi kita iniwanan! I even offered my virginity to you kasi nga akala ko mamahalin mo rin ako, pero you... never saw me." "You knew all along how much I love her, pero bakit ba ang kulit mo?! Yes, we're friends! Pero hindi sa puntong iiwanan ko ang pagmamahal ko para kay Annie." "Iiwan mo na nga talaga ako... I thought you already love me by this time pero si ate Annie pa rin pala ang gusto mo. Is it that hard to fall in love with me when I gave to you everything, Benedict? I gave you my soul and my heart... even my sanity pero hindi pa rin pala ako ang gusto mo. You still love her kahit na pinaasa ka niya! You know how much she loves kuya Anton, pero para kang tanga na susunod sa kanya!" He was about to slap me when his phone rang. "Anton is out the picture when she broke up with Annie, Cass. Remember this day, dahil ito na ang huling araw na makikita mo akong titingin sa'yo. I'm sorry kung nasaktan ka, pero my heart and my everything belongs to Annie and Annie alone. Wala na makakapagpabago ng isip ko. Mahal ko si Annie at siya lang ang mamahalin ko. Magmahal ka na lang ng iba, Cass. Maraming lalaki dyan na magkakagusto sa'yo. Bata ka pa. You're only 21, at ako matanda na. I'm already 27 and old, kaya makakahanap ka pa ng iba na mas bata. Sorry pero hindi kita mamahalin kung gaano ko mahal si Annie." Feeling ko binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig. He said those words in the coldest manner a person could ever do. Wala pala talaga akong halaga para sa kanya. Puro na lang si Annie ang hinahanap ng lahat. Siya na lang palagi ang crush ng lahat... at ako wala lang. Kahit na ako ang maraming achievements hindi pa rin ako napapansin. Wala akong halaga sa lahat. Si Anthony na twin brother ko lang ang nakakaintindi sa akin. My parents believe in me, pero bakit lahat ng mga kaibigan ko si Annie ang gusto? Bakit si Benedict pa dapat magkagusto kay Annie? That is the damn reason why I hate my life. I hate Annie. I hate her so much I want her dead. "Si Annie ang crush ng lahat simula pa lang nung mga bata kami. Bakit ba siya ang nagugustuhan ng lahat?! Ako 'yung matalino at may achievements! Hindi naman ako pangit at mabait naman ako pero bakit ang dependent na tulad ni Annie ang gusto ng lahat!" He slapped me. I felt a pang of pain in my left cheek. He hurt me. "I... can't take this anymore, Benedict. Be happy with Annie and I will be more miserable with myself. Don't you ever appear in front of me again, kasi baka mamaya malaman mo na lang na tumalon ako ng building." Tumakbo ako habang sinusuot ko ang blouse ng uniform ko. I can hear Benedict calling my name and he's running after me pero mabilis akong nakapindot ng elevator at nakababa mula sa condo unit niya. I easily managed to grab a taxi at nakita ko sa side mirror na sinubukan niya akong habulin. "Manong, Red Gate subdivision po." Habang umaandar ang taxi nakaramdam ako ng mabigat sa dibdib ko at hindi ko na alam kung ano nga ba ang tumatakbo ngayon sa isipan ko. Gusto kong mawala na lang sa mundo ngayon at makalimuTan si Benedict. Bakit ba kasi ang hirap niyang kalimuTan? Bakit ba kasi ang hirap intindihin na hindi naman na niya ako mamahalin? Pagkabayad ko sa taxi driver at nagmadali akong tumakbo paakyat ng kwarto ko at inilock ang pintuan. I saw my mom running after me pero hindi niya ako naabuTan at nakalock na ang pintuan. She's banging the door at narinig kong si Anthony ang sumunod. "Cassie, open the damn door! Ano bang nangyayari sa'yo?!" It was Anthony and his authoritative voice. He is trying to open the door but I had it locked from the inside dahil ayoko ng istorbo. I can hear my mom crying from the outside. "Anak, please buksan mo! Ano bang nangyayari sa'yo?! Please anak, mag-usap tayo!" I threw my backpack on the floor and had my things flying everywhere because of anger and pain. "No! I'm ending things because I can no longer handle it! Lagi na lang siya... ma. Lagi na lang si Annie ang gusto ng lahat! Bakit si Benedict pa?! Bakit sya pa ang nagustuhan ni Annie! Ma... pangit ba ako? Am I that unlikable for him to do this to me?! Sagutin mo ako ma!" I collapsed on the floor looking for my bunny stuffed toy to hug and I heard my mom sobbing. "Anak, iba ka. You're better than Annie. She's too girly! Ikaw napakaindependent mo! I love you at iba ka sa kanya! Only weak guys will like Annie kasi 'di nila kaya ang strong personality mo. Believe me, anak! I'm telling the truth! Please buksan mo ang pintuan!" But still I covered my ears with my hands and I ran towards the bathroom and had it locked. Then, a shiny silver object caught my attention. Yes... I finally found the answer to all my problems. It's luster is like talking to me and saying: Here is the answer... take me. Ganun ang nararamdaman ko habang nakikita ang bagay na ito. It's as if that's the only salavation I have left in me. Pakiramdam ko kapag nahawakan ko na siya eh maililigtas na niya ako sa lahat ng paghihirap na nararamdaman ko. Please, be my answer. Please, be my savior. Ikaw na lang ang hinihintay ko. I coldly slashed my right wrist with perfect incision. Pakiramdam ko I'm holding a '10 blade' at pakiramdam ko doktor ako. I perfectly cut my right wrist and the blood gushing from it is too fancy to watch. I can feel my senses losing grip from reality. My body is going numb and my sight is getting poorer. I can feel myself collapsing in the cold, tiled floor. I can see my blood staining the white ceramic tiles in my bathroom like some kind of an abstract painting. I can see my tears dripping on the floor missing in my blood. This is really the end. Yes... it is. My sight is blurry but I can see my twin brother getting a towel and putting pressure on my wrist. I can also see my mom crying and ran to call an ambulance. I stared at my brother and he's crying. "Twin sis, don't leave me. Gago 'yung hayop na Benedict na 'yan. Mapapatay ko siya sa Please, 'wag ko kaming iwanan ni mommy." He hugged me tight at alam kong nagkamali ako sa ginawa ko. I know I'm so wrong in letting go of myself because of this young love. Pinaiyak ko ang kapatid kong hindi naman umiiyak. He never cries. "Tony... he loves Annie. He loves her too much. Why? Why do guys love Annie so much?" He hugged me while putting pressure on my wrist and everything went blurry. Things already changed.