Ghost

CHAPTER 16

Medyo nakalimutan ko na nga si Benedict. Hindi kasi siya umuwi nung pasko. Mahirap daw kumuha ng ticket kaya naman si Annie ang pumunta at ang parents ni Benedict. Okay lang naman sa akin, kasi may kasama na ako. I never thought na mabubuhay pala ako kapag umalis siya. Unti-unti ko na kasinh nakukuha ang puso ko pabalik. Tama ang desisyon kong iwanan na sa limot ang alaala niya.

I dated his best friend. I dated Earl.

Lagi kaming magkasama simila nung umalis si Benedict at medyo nahahalata ko naman na may gusto siya sa akin dati pa pero hindi ko lang.  pinansin. Magkasama kami ngayon sa bahay habang gumagawa ako ng project. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin at nakangiti.

"Kung makatingin ka naman sa akin akala mo aalis ako kung saan. Natutunaw na ako, Earl. Kainis ka." Ngumiti pa siya lalo at pinakiga sa akin ang dimples niya. Nagpapapansin ang boyfriend ko.

"Hindi ba effective ang dimples ko? Grabe naman, ang manhid ng girlfriend ko." He pouted and I kissed his lips. Namula siya agad.

"Ang cute mong mahiya!" Then he snaked his  arms around me. Nakaupo kami ngayon sa living room at syempre, wala na namang tao sa bahay. Si Anthony, nasa labas na naman at may kasamang babae, at si mommy naman bumalik na ulit sa Austria. Mahiral ang broken family, kaya mahirap ang sumabay pa ang broken heart ko.

"Ikaw talaga." Sabi niya nang biglang parang kumunot ang noo niya at may naalala. Ngumiti siya at tumititig ulit sa akin.

"Uuwi na sila tita Margaret next week at kasama si Benedict. Mahaba ang bakasyon nila dahil sa snow storm. Sigurado may pasalubong sayo iyon. Baby ka niya eh." Nakangiti pang sabi ni Earl.

Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa nga ba ako sa pagbabalik niya. All he did is to break my heart and pound it even more. All I feel for him right now is.... nothing. Wala akong maramdaman dahil sa sobrang sakit na binigay niya sa akin. Hindi ko na siya maramdaman. Hindi ko alam kung tama bang harapin siya.

We both committed sins... and we've done them together. I deceived my family and his. We lied and did things that only couples should be doing. Pakiramdam ko niloloko ko si Earl. He thinks I'm this perfect girl na napakainosente. He had no idea how we made our sordid world together.

"Syempre naman pero mas marami sayo... best friend ka niya eh." Then he gave me the most chaste kiss I ever experienced. Pakiramdam ko siya ang first kiss ko. I feel the freshness of his presence. I feel the respect overflowing in his smiles.

I felt a spark just right now.

He is taking over half of my heart.

-=-=-=-=-=-=

"Ikaw Cassandra, kinalimutan mo kaming bisitahin ha! Kahapon pa kami dumating pero di ka man lang napadaan. Si Benedict hinihintay ka pa naman kahapon. Ang dami niyang nabili para sayo. Parang iyon lang laman ng bagahe niya." Tumawa si tito habang umiinom ng kape.

"Eh tita, kasi... may date ako kahapon." Nanlaki ang mata ni Tita marga pinaupo ako sa couch.

"Sino naman? Hindi ka na namin nakakausap eh."

"Si Earl po ang boyfriend ko. He and I started dating three months ago and he's really sweet. He makes me feel like a princess and I love the feeling, tita. He makes me so happy and... I guess I love him much." I giggled when someone came out coming from my back.

"Ah, kaya pala hindi na kita nakakausap. Si Earl pala ang boyfriend mo tapos hindi mo nabanggit sa akin." Ngumiti siya at umupo sa tabi ko. I felt his hand moving on my waist.

Babalik na naman ba ako sa simula? Ayoko na. Ayoko nang gumawa ng kasalanan.

"Yes, I love Earl. Napakabait at caring niya. He respects me too much and it makes me feel overwhelmed."

"Oh, why don't I show you what I bought for you in my room? Right mom? Madami akong binili." Then he smiled.

"P-pwede namang mamaya n-na." I gave them an awkward smile at bigla niya akong hinatak patayo.

"Ma, pakilock na lang bahay bago kayo umalis. May bago akong games, lalaruin lang namin ni Cassie. Ingat kayo ha." Tumayo na ang parents niya at lumabas ng pintuan. Narinig ko ang pagpihit ng knob at umalis na sila.

I slowly c****d my head towards him. He looks mad as hell. Hindi ko alam kung bakig siya nagagalit. Hindi ko alam.

"What's wrong?"

"You."

"Ako? Okay ka lang? Sobrang weird mo!" Lalabas na sana ako pero hinapit niya ako sa bewang at binuhat nang nakapatong sa balikat niya. Kahit anong gawin ko hindi ko siya mapigilan. His physique improved that's why he's able to carry me this easy.

He tossed me on the bed and locked the door. Alam ko ma ang susunod na mangyayari nito. Ayoko. Ayoko na.

"Tigilan mo na! I don't want you. I love Earl, so you have to let me go and this will be r**e. You don't wanna r**e me, right? We're friends." Pero walang nagawa ang nga sinabi ko at itinali niya ang kamay ko sa bedpost gamit ang isang charger.

"You can't just stop me, babe. I thought we're mutual about this? Wait, did you have s*x with Earl?! I'll kill the bastard if he did. No one touches what's mine alone." Then he traced ny jawline with his fingers, slowly  but tingling.

"He respects me! Mahal ako ni Earl at mahal ko siya! Tigilan mo na ako! I thought you'll change, pero wala eh, baliw ka pa rin! Do you even love Annie? Bakit mo 'to ginagawa?!"

"The reason why I'm doi by this with you is because I love her with all ny heart and I respect her. You are me s****l outlet, Cassandra. We both love committing sins together. Come on, para namang hindi mo nagugustuhan." Then he showed his signature devilish smile.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Nakauwi na rin sa Manila after ng mahabang stay ko sa Palawan. Buti na lang at naiwan si Benedict doon at matagal pa siyang mananatili. Ayoko na muna siyang makita. Hindi tamang nakikipag-usap ako o kaya naman gumagawa ng milagro kasama siya. Kahit isipin ko mang 'caught in the moment'lang ako eh mas ramdam ko ang mabilis na pintig ng puso ko.

Si Benedict pa rin pala ang mahal ko. Siya pa rin pala ang mahal ako at nakakasawang labanan ang puso ko. Even if I try taking over my heart,hindi ko pa rin kaya. Lalo lang akong nahihirapan. All I thought is that I can move forward and leave everything in the past pero hindi. Maraming tanong ang gumugulo sa isipan ko. How can he caress my face with his wedding band eyeing me with disgust.

May asawa na siya. Nakakasawa na kasing umiyak. I feel drained. I have my heart walking away from me and it's in a fast pace. Hindi ko makontrol ang puso ko. Nahihirapan ako. How can he do this to me? Wala naman akong kasalanan sa kanya. Wala akong kasalanan kay Benedict, but why is he still my greatest downfall?

Kahit anong pakiusap ko sa dibdib ko, hindi niya ako pinapakinggan. My heart hates me and I hate myself even more for loving Benedict despite the heartbreaks and... my life-changing experience. I almost died because of him and I can't just forget about it. I can't just forget the heart attack that almost killed my mother. I can't just forget the trauma my brother had for almost losing the both of us.

Ayoko nang pasakitan si Anthony. Kawawa naman siya. I don't want to disappoint him. Ayokong maramdaman niyang nagpapakamatay na naman ako sa pagmamahal kong wala namang patutunguhan. Wala naman talaga kasi he's fvcking married.

"Okay ka lang? Kaya mo pa ba? We have a patient who needs immediate stitches on his left arm. Ikaw na ang kumuha, okay? I'm going to talk with Radiology department for further assistance sa mga batang nahulog sa... pool? Ang weird nitong med report. Oh siya, mauna na ako doc ganda." Dr. Cruz smiled and I immediately went on the patient who needs the stitches.

"Doc, ang sakit talaga." Sabi nung bata. His face resembles someone I think I know pero hindi ko maalala.

"Okay lang iyan, akong bahala. Trust me, okay?" Ngumiti naman ang bata at pumikit. Sinimulan kong linisin at tahiin.

I tapped his shoulder. "Tapos na. Sabi ko naman sayo eh, mabilis lang talaga." Ngumit siya at niyakap ako. The boy's mother isn't here kasi nga sa school trip siya nadisgrasya.

"Mabilis din iyan gagaling. Just don't touch it, okay? Wag babasain ang sugat, okay? Sasabihin ko na lang later sa mommy mo kung paano lilinisin, but don't worry about it, okay? Here's a bar of Hershey's, kainin mo muna at pinakuhanan na kita ng water sa nurse. Sleep ka muna dito, ha? Para naman mas maging okay ang pakiramdam mo." He smiled.

"Nakita mo ba si Kayla? Saan na kaya iyon?" Mark suddenly bumped into me sounding like a man. Tomboy na ba si Mark?

"Nope, and why? Hindi ko pa siya nakikita simula nang magshift ako. I'm tired, tara kain tayo libre ko."

"Next time na, may kailangan ako kay Kayla. I have to find her first, okay? Babawi na lang ako. Bye Cassie." The he rushed off to find Kayla. Ang weird naman ng mga tao ngayon. He didn't call me 'Mars'at nakakapagtaka.

Pagod lang ako and I still need to spend three hours sa research team ng clinical trials for cystic fibrosis. The known pianist's son seems to be getting well and that is one huge miracle. Alexandra seems to be fond of the kid especially the handsome father. Anyways, hindi dapat ako mainggit sa love life niya. I still have four months bago pumunta ng US to get my PhD and I need to get back on track.

Benedict is just another hurdle I have to get on with at alam kong kakayanin ko. It may seem hard, but I can make it somehow.

"Cassie!" Alexandra came running and hugged me. Miss ko na siya. Hindi ko siya nahagilap these days at alam ko naman kung bakit. Masyadong boom ang love life.

"Saan ang punta mo?" Tanong niya.

"Kakain sa labas. Nakakasawa na yung ulam sa cafeteria tsaka ayaw ko na ng tinda dyan sa tagadala. Ikaw, di na kita nakikita."

"I have problems na sasabihin ko din naman sayo. Pasensya ka na, Cassie. I know you're really a good friend, pero I'm trying to deal with this. Medyo mahirap pero kakayanin kasi masaya ako." She smiled.

"Whatever it is, you can always tell me. Hindi naman kita pababayaan." I told her while fishing for my phone.

5 new messages, 10 missed calls

Fr: +63921456xxxx

-It's Benedict, callback

-Hey

-Hey

-Snob?! 

-If you don't reply, you'll find yourself unable to walk for the next few days

Hindi ko pinansin at nagpatuloy ako paglalakad kasama si Alex nang may humarang sa aming dalawa. Double crap.

It's him.

"Hi Dr. Saavedra, kamusta ang medical mission?" Tanong ni Alex habang inosenteng nakangiti sa lalaking ito. Hindi naman mabait pero makangiti sa amin akala mo.

"Masaya naman, Dr. Jung." He smiled sweetly at her at gusto kong masuka. Nakakainis.

Composure, Cassie.

"Dr. Torres, can we talk about the things in the medical mission? Hindi ka kasi mahagilap." Sabi niya habang pilit na nakangiti.

"Ah... busy ako eh. I still need to grab a bite... alone and I had things to do kasi puno sa E.R. kanina. I have to stitch up some leg, give pantoprazole shots and cast some kids. Busy ako kanina." I plastered my fake Barbie smile.

"I know, follow me." Naglakad siya at sinundan ko na lang para walang gulo. I told Alex na tatawagan ko na lang siya lara ipagpatuloy ang chikahan namin na pinutol ni Benedict.

Alam ko kung saan kami papunta. Papunta 'to sa opisina nila. Pinihit niya ang door knob at pumasok kami. He offered me to sit down at seryoso siyang nakatingin.

"I'll be frank with you, Cassie. Ayaw mo ng s****l relationship, right? We'll have pure professional relationship and expect me to be strict to you just like how I am to my former intern in the US. You will be under my supervision and I expect you to be reliable. Tatanggalin kita sa team ko kapag hindi kita maasahan. Yun lang. Get out and lock the door." I stared at him blankly. 

Anong drama 'to?

"Didn't you hear me? Get out." Matigas ang boses niya at tumayo na ako para lumabas ng office niya. He's keeping things professional and thank goodness everything is in its right place. Tama ang ginagawa niya. I need this sort of a time out sa isang klaseng nakakalokang setup. Ayoko na. I'm tired of him. I'm tired of his crap.

...but at the back of my mind, I feel a growing inside my heart that I tried suppressing using my smarty a*s brain.