Ghost

CHAPTER 4

I grew up knowing how much Benedict is very much in love with Annie Jane Dela Cruz, daughter of an accountant and an engineer. She's just five blocks away from our home. She got this awesome smile you can't beat. Napakabait niya at maaalalahanin. She's too beautiful like Helen of Troy. She can launch a thousand ships. I don't know when will I overcome this envy towards her.

She got this long, brown, and curly hair. She has a Spanish decent kaya mestiza at sexy. Grabe sa perfect si Annie at pakiramdam ko hindi ko siya mahihigitan. I have no chance against her. Wala akong panama kahit saang sulok.

How do I look like? I have raven black shoulder-length hair. I'm 5'7" tall and I have fair complexion. I have blue braces and I'm too thin. Walang shape ang katawan ko. Para akong kawayan compared sa coca cola body ni Annie. Dati, tuwing PE nila, parang may event kasi tutok lahat kay Annie tuwing magba-bounce ang kanyang perfect boobs.

I sighed. If only ends up dead 'di ba? I hope she dies or gets hit with a car or whatever. I don't care. She's fake.

"Pang-ilan mo na 'yan, Cass?" Diana smiled af me while studying for Prelims. She's a Business major at nakatambay kami sa lounge ng school. She's holding ledger and some stuff.

"Alam mo namang sigurong may gusto ako kay kuya Benedict, right? I feel so heartbroken kasi kahapon binigyan niya si Annie ng malaking-malaki na teddy bear. Nagsigawan 'yung mga kapitbahay nung makita silang dalawa kasi nakakakilig daw. Kahit si Manang Lita kinilig. Umiyak ako ng sobrang dami, D. Feeling ko hinahati 'yung puso ko." She looked at me with sad eyes.

"Sabi ko naman sa'yo na kalimutan mo na si kuya Benedict eh. Alam mo namang mahal na mahal niya si Annie. Wala na tayong nagagawa kung sila na talaga. You have to know how much you are missing dahil nagpapakalungkot ka. Be happy and forget him." She smiled at me. Tama ang best friend ko pero hindi ko kaya. Mamamatay yata muna ako bago ko makalimutan si kuya Benedict. I sighed again.

Diana Lei Mercado is my best friend. She's been woth me since we were still ten years old. Grabe ang bond naming dalawa. I helped her with her crush at ngayon boyfriend na niya si Drake at masaya na silang dalawa. Mabait si Drake kasi 'di ko nararamdamang third wheel ako kapag lumalabas kami. Minsan sinasama ko na lang si Anthony para hindi ako out of place.

" Hindi yon madali. Kasama ma siya sa sistema ko, D. Bakit naman kasi lahat ng lalaki kay Ate Annie may gusto? Sa dinami-dami, bakit kasali pa kasi si kuya Benedict? I want to move on D, but I can't." Napanguso siyang hinarap ako. Ibinaba niya ang kanyang libro at tinitigan ako.

"Ang mga tao ngayon dito pinuproblema ang exams, pero ikaw pag-ibig. Pasalamat ka na nga lang talaga kasi matalino ka, Cass. You are amazing in your own way, kaya kalimutan mo na si kuya Benedict and meet other guys! Madami kayang cute sa dito sa university. Maganda ka, believe in yourself, baka hindi lang talaga siya ang match mo."

"Malay mo hindi rin si Annie ang match ni Benedict? Hindi mo alam, malay mo bigla siyang mauntog at magustuhan niya ako nang biglaan."

"Alam mo, maganda ka at matalino pa. Benedict is obsessed with Annie at may sakit na yata sa utak iyon. He won't forget Annie kaya doon ka na lang sa lalaking normal."

"Kahit pa! Asar."

"Move on, please. Minsan ako na ang nalulungkot para sa'yo. Hindi mo naman dapat ituon ang atensyon mo sa kanya, eh. He's not worth it. Hindi ka naman niya naappreciate pero hindi mk maintindihan." This time, her tears fell.

"Ayan, naiyak tuloy ako! Kasi maniwala ka naman sa akin." I gave her a weak smile.

"Is it that really wrong to love Benedict? Mahal na mahal ko talaga siya." Natuluyan na akong umiyak at niyakap ako ni Diana. Siya ang sinasabihan ko ng nga problema ko tungkol kay Benedict. Siya ang tumutulong sa akin sa lahat ng katangahan ko. She's my ground.

"You've gone insane, Cass. Masokista ka ba para samahan pa si Benedict na bumili ng mga regalo para kay Annie? Are you that stupid? Maawa ka naman sa sarili mo. Maraming lalaki sa mundo, 'wag na lang si Benedict."

"I can't, Diana. I just can't let go of him without giving a fight. Mahal na mahal ko siya at hindi pwedeng si Annie palagi! Why does the world seem to revolve around her? Lahat na nga ng mga lalaki siya ang pinapangarap pero... Ang kuhanin pa si Benedict ay sobra-sobra." I said in between sobs. Mabigat sa dibdib dahil matindi ang inggit at galit sa dibdib ko.

I want him mine.

"Don't feel that way, Cassandra. Mahahanap mo rin ang para sayo at mga bata pa naman tayo. Have faith. Make sure to guard your heart. Sarili ang unang minamahal at hindi lalaki."

Parang hindi ko matatanggap na hindi siya ang match ko. I did everything for him, kahit na pagsama sa pagbili ng mga regalo para kay Annie. Kahit na ang sakit-sakit na ng puso ko eh nakangiti akong nakaharap sa kanya para tulungan siyang mamili. Makawasak puso talaga ang mga ginagawa mo.

Masokista nga siguro ako.

I live by the pain.

Kelan kaya mauubos ang pag-ibig ko kay Benedict? Katulad kaya iyon ng hourglass na nauubos sa pagdaan ng mga araw? My love for him will never be like the hourglass. It will never be like an houglass. Hindi mauubos ang pag-ibig ko, pero bakit ngayong nasasaktan ako iniisip kong sanang maubos na? Will I ever learn to forget?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"Aba, twelve hours ka na dito doc ganda. Hindi ka pa ba napapagod? Pasensya ka na, wala si Doc Lexie kasi by request ni Head na magtemporary company doctor siya. Multiple car accidents again at iilan lang tayo dito, pasensya ka na." Nakangiti si Dr. Cruz habang nakaharap sa akin.

Actually kanina pa masakit ang sikmura ko dahil sa acidity attacks pero masyadong marami ang mga pasyente para mag-inarte ako. This is such a terrible day to have these attacks. Buti na lang nagpatawag na ng back-up sa nga doctor na tapos na for consultation.

Hinawi ko ang mahaba kong buhok at itinali ng mataas. I can feel pain on my nape as well. Actually, pagod na pagod na ako at feeling ko mainit ako. I can feel my hands and my feet cold. Makaraos lang talagang mag-a-absent ako.

"Okay lang doc, mamaya iidlip ako sa sleeping quaters para makapahinga." This time, alam kong nanghihina na ako pero pinipilit ko na lang talaga. Sana kahit two hours na lang eh makayanan ko pa. Ang hirap ng sitwasyon ngayon and this is a terrible sight for us doctors.

"Ang putla mo na kasi, doc ganda." Dagdag pa niya. I can feel worry in his voice.

"Maputi lang ako doc, at wala kasi akong lipstick tapos ang pula-pula pa ng buhok ko kaya tuloy nabother kayo sa itsura ko." Napangiti ako kahit na namimilipit na ako sa sakit ng sikmura ko dahil sa acidity. Oh my gulay, nakakamatay na ang sakit.

"Pero kahit wala kang make-up, ikaw pa rin ang maganda. No wonder kaya crush ka nilang lahat." He smiled at me. If I know, kasali siya sa mahabang listahan ng nagkakagusto sa akin. I flashed him my best smile and my signature dimples and boom! He blushed.

"Bolero ka doc." Then suddenly, a tall figure entered the room with dark eyes. Mukhang galit na galit siya. Galit siya sa akin? Eh siya ang nanakit dati? I have this huge feeling na may lihim na galit si Benedict sa akin at hindi ko lang alam ang dahilan. He's so mad right now.

Pasimple kong hinilot ang tiyan ko. Bad timing naman ang pag-aaway nila! Nakakaasar na talaga.

"Is this the time to flirt?! Akala ko professional ka, Dr. Torres? Back to the pit! Ang daming may kailangan sa inyo." Benedict looked at me with disgusted eyes and I felt Dr. Cruz getting a little bit mad.

"I am your boss, Dr. Saavedra. I'm concerned with Dr. Torres dahil twelve hours na siya dito, nonstop. Wala kang pakialam kung tawagin ko siyang doc ganda kasi talagang maganda siya at wala kang magagawa. She already handled seven patients at nakacoffee break kami. Don't act mighty dahil galing ka sa Stanford, tandaan mo... Boss ako."

"Boss ka pero naglalandian kayo ng isang intern? Now tell me, tamang gawain ba iyan ng isang boss? Is it my fault kung madaming pasyente? She may be tired pero kami rin. I've been here for fifteen hours pero kailangan. Now tell me, mali ba ako? "

"Kahit maglandian kami, wala kang pakialam kasi single kaming pareho and don't act like a jealous boyfriend kasi ganun ang itsura mo. I don't blame you, maganda at matalino si Dr. Torres but that doesn't give you the right to treat her that way!"

"Hindi ko siya binastos, she deserves to be scolded by her senior na halatang malakas ang kapit sa boss. " His stare is too intense at nakakaramdam ako panlalamig sa katawan ko. Hindi ko alam baka epekto na to ng acidity attacks ko.

Dr. Cruz took my hand and took me out of the pantry. Galit na galit siya at alam kong hindi niya nagustuhan ang ginawa ni Benedict. Matalas ang dila niya masyado. He's far from the Benedict I know. Galit ako dahil di niya ako mahal at iniwan ko siya noon after namin gumawa ng milagro. I don't know what happened with hin and his forever love Annie pero parang galit na galit siya sa mundo.

"Salamat, Dr. Cruz." I smiled at him.

"Just call me Doc pogi para naman mawala ang asar ko. Malay ko bang bastos pala ang pag-uugali niya. How dare he speak that way with you?! Walang modo."

"Calm down, doc pogi. Hayaan mo na siya. He's just stressed dahil lagpas twelve hours na rin siya dito. Let's just forget about him. We're outside our shift at controlled naman na ang sitwasyon. I'm going to sleep now. Rest ka na doc... "

"Cassandra!"

Everything went blank and all I know is that Dr. Cruz managed to catch me before I hit the solid ground.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"Twinnie, bakit naman kasi ang tagal mong nagshift? Look at you, grabeng putla mo. Mom is so worried na naka-on ang Skype while you were sleeping." Anthony rose his eyebrow while texting some other girl again.

"I'm the doctor, but look at me; I'm sick as fvck." Natawa lang siya at binigay sa akin abg mga binalatan niya. He's really caring kahit na medyo nakakaasar minsan.

"Doctors are humans, moron. Di ka superhuman to accomodate patients more than twelve f*****g hours! Tanga ka ba?" I smirked while listening to his rants. Ganyan talaga siya kapag naaasar.

"Bait ni Dr. Cruz, kanina pa kaya iyon dito. He's obviously drooling for you, twinnie kaya wag mong pakawalan. He's rich at kasing gwapo ko. He's only 34!" Natawa ako kay Anthony at binatukan siya. I pouted my lips and looked at him.

"I know, pero wala naman siyang nababanggit." Then suddenly his face turned dark. Alam na alam ko ang naiiisip niya. I want to avoid this topic dahil nag-aaway lang kaming dalawa. Obvious namang may gusto siyang itanong pero pinipilit niyang kalimutan. I'm not stupid. Alam kong nagagalit siya at alam ko kung bakit.

That frigging ghost is haunting me like 24/7. Lagi akong nakakapanaginip ng flashbacks. I hate him. He's selfish and dense. Napakawalang hiya niya. Imposibleng wala siyang kaalam-alam na may gusto ako sa kanya. Wala siyang karapatang bumalik at manira ng buhay. I can't let him finish off my life like that shiny little blade that was stamding in my room few years ago. Hindi na ako babalik kung saan ako nalunod.

"Stay away from him, Cass. Malapit na tayong umalis dito kaya pagtyagaan mo na lang. Sa abroad na tayo magPhD. Hindi pwedeng malapit sayo ang hayup na yun. I'd love to kill him and feed him to the dogs. He's such a heartless bastard. I wonder kung bakit bumalik pa siya." It's frightening to here my joker of a brother speak this way. If he's like this, this means galit talaga siya. I hate it when he's serious... actually he's too serious right now.

"I know. I'm avoiding him." He held my hand tight.

"Promise me, that loving him again will be the last thing you'll ever do. Promise me, Cassie." I looked at him.

"Yes... I promise."

"Sana hindi na siya bumalik at talagang sa FMC pa siya nagtrabaho. I mean, sobrang coincidence lang talaga eh. Feeling ko hinahabol ka niya. Of he ever dare to touch a tip of your finger, ipapabura ko siya sa mundo." I stared at him. Alam kong galit na talaga siya.

"Sleep again, bibili ako ng omeprazole mo kasi naubusan ka na pala. Stay here and I'll be back. Bibili kita ng bread and rice meal." He stood up and left me in the room.

Why do I have this gut feeling that he came back to torment me? I can sense it. He's up to something bad and I have to prepared whatever he has on his sleeve. I'll never fall again.

The door opened and it showed Bemedict in his white vneck shirt in scrub suit. Nakatingin siya sa akin nang walang ekspresyon na parang kasalanan ko pa na nagkasakit ako. I stared at him and I broke away from the eye contact and checked ny phone. Nakita kong sinara niya ang pintuan at umupo sa tabi ko.

He just sat there and not uttering a single world. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iniisip at nangyayari basta alam kong nananayo ang mga balahibo ko. There is such an intense current flowing through my skin that I cannot seem to fathom. Dahil ba sa kanya iyon?

"What are you doing here? Umalis ka na kasi parating na si Anthony." He just stared at me then shifted his eyes on my arms na may mga pasa dahil medyi napalakas ang pagkabagsak ko.

"You're sick and yet you covered more than two hours of your shift? Nagpapakamatay ka ba? You are stupid for a doctor." He said without changing his expressionless face.

"Sino ba ang nagalit dahil hindi ako tumutulong. Where's your logic? Umalis ka na because I'm a patient now." He just stared at me and removed his glasses.

"I'm the doctor in-charge here. I get to see you and I have to monitor you for at least two hours. Baka gastritis na kasi 'yan."

"Simple acidity lang ito. I had endoscopy last week and I'm a doctor. Just go away." Parang may tumusok sa puso ko na hindi pala siya nandito dahil sa kagustuhan niya. He came here because he's assigned to me.

"I won't go away. I will stay. I will be here until you're okay."

"Just go. Seeing you is really such a stressful thing. Makakatrigger ng hyperacidity ko and presensya mo. We didn't have a peaceful separation from our unique relationship. I don't want you here." Then he smirked. I think that's the sexiest smirk he ever made.

"Maybe you're still crazy about me kaya ka ganyan. Do you still love me, Cassandra? I really want you to tell me."

I laughed in a very sarcastic manner. Bigla akong napasinghap nang hawakan niya ang kanang kamay ko. He stared at my tattoo.

Dignity

"Why do you have a tattoo, Cassandra? Why do you have a tattoo?! You tainted your beautiful skin? You... Tarnished your beautiful skin. Bakit ka nagpalagay?!" He's mad. He's really mad. Napahigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko.

I'm afraid he'll feel the scar. Malalaman niyang nabaliw ako sa kanya at magpapaboost lang ng ego niya iyon. I took my hand and walked away from my bed. Binuksan ko ang pintuan.

"I'm not going. Narinig kong pinatawag si Anthony ng head nila kaya matatagalan siyang makabalik. You have no choice but to be stuck with me. Don't you want to be with me? Before, you'd die for my attention. I'm here, all yours. How 'bout we go back to the way we we're before?" I gasped. How can he just freely say these words like they... are not important?

I suffered too much. I committed sins I can't pay back. I... I've been broken too much. Hindi ko na kayang magpakatanga ulit. Bakit nga ba siya bumalik? Bakit ba siya nandito? Akala ko ba mahal niya si Annie?

Why is he like a man confessing for his feelings?