That's not who I am!

Chapter 13

JANE'S POV

"I'm sorry" I say as Layla and Liam both hug me. "It just keeps hitting me in waves. How can what's supposed to be horrible Mafia scary men your parents warn you off not be scared of me. Nice, people yet your average person that's ment to be nice your parents want you to date marry and not avoid turn out to be so cruel. It doesn't make sense. I know that sounds awful and I don't mean anything horrible I just mean in society what people protray as the villains are actually the good guys. I'm good, I got a good job looking after others in there hardest moments. Yet thus is the reward i get. Horrible people wanting to destroy my life. Yet the apperent villains you rub from I'm running to. You know what I mean right" I say through the tears.

"No offense taken I understand what your saying baby girl" Liam says.

"I get it, I thought the same. Your told stay away from the big bad guys. But there not bad, remember what you told me Jane. You told me he maybe a Mafia boss, he maybe a bad a guy but he is really good. He adores me. They adore you. When I had these thoughts where I wanted to run away, worried if I'd regret it you grounded me. Its okay society may see it wrong because what feels right just feels right. You were right when you talked me into staying. I'm right but saying it's okay. It makes sense" Layla says.

"Why is Sissy crying?" Luke says clearly he heard my crying and I feel even more awful.

"I'm sorry" I say trying to stop but I can't it's like all of it wants out.

"Wow, what happened to shopping?" Luke says coming to sit on the bed with us.

"I'm sorry, I'm okay" I say.

"No your not and that's okay to.. let it all out" Layla says.

"I'm a good person ain't I?" I say looking at layla. "Of course you are" Liam say "Yeah don't you doubt it" Luke says "Then why did he do all that s**t. Why am I suffering whilst he gets it cosy in prison?" I say

"Because people are shitty, people like to blame people they can get to. They can't get to him so your there next best target" Layla says "And we won't allow them to get to you anymore" Luke says "No we won't. your to good for all them people" Liam says ad Dr Vanguard comes in and says "Oh gosh, are you okay Jane?" she asks

"I can't stop crying. stop me from crying" I say "I wish I could but let it all out. It may help" Dr Vanguard says sounding bad for that.

"Yeah it's okay to let it out" Layla says "Not when I have a permentment headache" I say "Now that I can help with" Dr Vanguard says

"No you can't all these meds are not helping it doesn't go ever!" I snap.

"Yeah I think a few more days and we going to have to do definitely do some scans which worrys me. This is why rest is very important Jane" She says

"I can't rest, I can't relax when the world wants me. I can't keep doing this" I say.

"Yes you can! Your a fighter Jane! You are stronger than you realise. Stop being hard on yourself" Dr Vanguard says "I can't I want out. Get me Cara she said she would help she knows how to help" I say crying even harder. "Yes you can Jane! I know it's hard and sucks. It's hard. It's painful. But you can do this I believe in you" Dr Vanguard says

Luke disappears and Layla says "My best friend you are my best friend and she is a f*****g warrior. I don't know how you got uo every damn day and continued after your parents died. I don't know how you got up everyday and continued after you were r***d. I don't know how your getting uo every dam. day now trying but you are because you are strong. You can do this Jane" Layla says.

"I can't. I'm tired Layla, I can't anymore" I say crying even harder it's hurts my whole body.

"You can baby girl. We are here with you" Liam says. but I don't respond instead I cling tighter to Layla as I cry so hard I start to block people out thinking of how I want to be in the clouds with my parents at peace.

Suddenly I'm pried away from Layla and I see Cara as she says firmly buy loudly. "Look at me and take deep breaths. I know your tired and exhausted. I know it feels like the walls are caving in. I know you want it all to stop. I know you can't breath with everything wanting to take you under. It's damn hard to just wake up in the mornings and fake that smile. It's damn hard to pretend to be okay when your world is falling apart. It's damn hard not to be okay when people want you dead. But you look at me. Look at me and know if I can do iy you sure as hell can. I won't let you fall anymore I'm here. Your get there again one day where it feels alright again. Your be happy again. Your laugh again and it will feel real not faked. Your smile again really smile where pain isn't hiding in your eyes. But right now you can't quit. You can't let them fuckers win. You show them that you are Jane Nelson. Nothing holds you back. I'll help you straighten your crown. I'll help you rise up. But you have to keep fighting okay"

"I can't" I say weakly and she hugs me as she says "You can sweetie. You can, let the tears out and then breath. I'm not going anywhere".

"Dr Vanguard sedate her if you have to but right now she is exhausted and in pain. Do something to help" Cara says

"Jane do you want that to be sedated?" Dr Vanguard asks.

"Do something before I do" I say

LIAM'S POV

"She is sedated and asleep now" Dr Vanguard says. "She was okay one minute and then she wasnt" I say.

"She hitting a breakdown. I'd like the mental health team on board now" Dr Vanguard says and we had previously spoke about this. But we didn't want them until it was really needed trying to keep as minimal as possible people about whilst everything is rife in the media.

"Agreed, she wants to die and I can't have that" Layla says. "I'll make the calls and get it arranged" My dad says

"What do we do though?" Luke asks.

"Keep doing what your doing. I don't want her left alone though before we gave something solid in place with the mental health team. I think she may try to end her life given the chance" Dr Vanguard says

"I agree, Liam go cuddle up to Jane. She sleeps better with you about" Layla says

"Thats a good idea Layla. But this time I think Cara is the person" My dad says

"Mum tried to kill herself before didn't she" Luke says voicing my own thoughts

"Yes" My dad says "Someone tried to kill mum didn't they?" I ask "Yes, that's why she is the right person right now. We told Jane in fear of this I'm glad we did because she did what we asked. She is trying I'm proud she asked for Cara" My dad says looking just as heart broken right now.

"It's definitely a good thing she is communicating how she is feeling instead of acting on it" Dr Vanguard says.

"Let me know when Jane is awake. I'm hitting up the gym" I say needing to hit the punching bags. "I'll join you" Luke says.

Me and Luke both spend the next few hours sparring after warming up. We don't talk we don't need to talk to know we both need this. We know how each other are feeling and thinking because we are that much in since with each other. But Lukes breaks the silence first as he motions to stop. "She going to be okay. I'll make sure of it!"

"Me to" I say "I know. But I swear I need to have just five minutes with that sick asswit of a brother of hers" Luke says "I just need a minute" I say.

"Jane loves Christmas and we are only a few weeks away from December let's makes Christmas start earlier" Luke says

"Okay, but now we stopped sparring I'm going for a shower. I need to see she is okay" I say Luke pats me on the shoulder as he says "Me to.. I swear I'm going to be the best brother she could wish for" and I don't doubt it he already is.

By the time I showered and heading into Jane's bedroom I see Luke is also showered and sat next to Layla on the sofa. Jane looks like she not long woke up and my mum is talking with her.

"Okay, I'll make you something nice for dinner. Then we can have a good chat. You just focus on waking up okay?"

"Okay, I'm sorry" Jane says "You don't have anything to be sorry about. Good timing Liam come cuddle up with Jane" She says getting up. And Jane doesn't argue it out she still looks tired and part of me hopes she stays awake but part of me hopes she also goes back to sleep.

"I brought everything for the dance stuido" Layla says.

"Okay" Jane says as I cuddle up to her and she let's me. I'll take it.

"And me and Liam went and sparred it was a good work out" Luke says.

"I slept" Jane says "We know, I think you needed a good sleep. How you feeling now?" Layla says

"Tired" Jane says but she doesn't look at anyone instead she looks at her hands. Plays with her fingers.

"I know your tired. Just get some rest" Layla says.

"Yeah were all be here when your ready" Luke says "I know" Jane says.

"Good, what do you want to do after you have eaten?" Layla asks

"I don't know" Jane says and it feels like she is withdrawing from us. To tired to even hide that she is not okay anymore. "Thats okay we can figure it out as we go along" I say as my dad walks in and I notice he has some cuts on his hands. I know where he has been and his anger got the better of him. Me and luke share a look as my dad says "I got pizza on the way home. You all go help your mother sort it out while I have a quick word with Jane.

"Okay" Layla say and Luke looks at me and I look at him were debating weather to or not incase he tells her anything she may not be ready to hear. "Now, it's fine" My dad says and we decided today wasn't the day to question him with that tone. He rarely uses it but we know he means business when he does. So with that I kiss Jane's forehead and say "Were bring you pizza up" before moving away. Luke stands up as he says "Jane's not very chatty right now just so you know" then we both head for the door. I take one last look to double check everyone seems calm. My dad takes a seat on the edge of the bed and I see his eyes soften. I know it will be alright and with that I continue to go help my mum with pizzas I'm sure she doesn't need a army to carry for her just one person likely.