That's not who I am!

Chapter 15

JANE'S POV

We spent the next few hours talking about our childhood favourite memory's and for moment I forgot that it felt like the world was burning to the ground around me. I forgot that I was recovering after major surgery after being attacked. I forgot I was related to a monster and for a moment life felt okay. But then Dr Vanguard walked in and I remembered it all. I remembered life is bad right now and reality came crashing back down as she said "How are we feeling this evening? One last check then I'm heading home" However I knew lizzie was staying on and some other doctor would be coming by one a day for the next week to check in with me.

"I'm going to miss you not so much the observations and all the rubbish that comes with it. But I'll miss having you around" I say sitting up.

"I'm going to miss you as well, don't think you can't get rid of me though. I'll be messaging you daily checking in. I'll be back of things get worse with your health so make sure you continue resting you hear me?" Dr Vanguard says as she starts to do her assessment in checking me over.

"I'll make sure Jane rests" Liam says also now sitting up next to me. "Good and make sure you take good care of friend here. Jane needs some good tlc" Dr Vanguard says. "I sure will doc. I appreciate everything you have and remember if your ever uo this way to swing up and say hi" Liam says.

"Thankyou, I will. Now Jane I want to check again. How's the headaches? How the arm? How's the stomach feeling? any pains or aches anywhere? Any concerns?" Dr Vanguard asks.

"It's all getting better. Even tbe headaches are very mild now sometimes going for moments of times when I'm relaxing like just now. The new medication seems to be working better. No new aches and pains that shouldn't be there" I say

"Good and your all happy with how things are going with the mental health team, if you feel at any point its not and you can't talk to them reach out to me or Mick were sort it" Dr Vanguard says.

"I'm happy for now. Give Mick a hug from me and tell him he owes me coffee so needs to come visit me soon" I say which makes Dr Vanguard laugh as she says "Of course I will". "Thanks for being here with me and staying my only doctor since I wound up in the hospital. In a world so cruel right now your one of the little glimmers of hope left that there's still good people out there" I say

"Your make me cry, out of all the thanks I've ever received that one there means alot" Dr Vanguard says as she gives me a hug.

"Make sure you get home safe and I want to know you get home safe okay" I say even though Liam already told me he sorted a flight back and he has someone going with her to be sure I still worry.

"I will do don't you worry, worry about yourself" Dr Vanguard says flashing her tourch light into my eyes.

"Well I'm satisfied your going to be okay but any concerns let me know and we will get things sorted okay" Dr Vanguard says ending it with a hug. "I will, Thankyou for everything" I say and with that Dr Vanguard let's go of the hug and smiles at me as she says "Your more than welcome" with that Dr Vanguard stands up and adds "Now I need to pack. But I'll swing by to check in and say bye before I leave" "Okay" I say smiling "Nick will make sure to be here twenty minutes early. Thanks again" Liam says as I cuddle back into him because I'm actually sad although happy Dr Vanguard has given me the clear to leave I'm sad she is going. Liam rubs my back as he cuddles me back.

"Thanks" Dr Vanguard says then with that she leaves the room.

"You okay?" Liam asks I'm about to speak when everyone else piles in the room "It's great that you don't need a doctor around the clock anymore" Cara says.

"Yeah, how you want to celebrate?" Luke asks. "I think hot chocolates are in order since Jane still can't drink yet" Layla says

"I have a better idea, games night" Aaron says and I look at everyone's happy faces and I can't help smiling. There all so great I think to myself as Liam says "How about it baby girl hot chocolate and games night?"

"Yeah why not" I say.

"Good, I'll grab snacks" Cara says beaming and again I wonder how she managed to become so happy all the time. I wonder how I can achieve that to.

"I'll get the board games" Aaron says "I'll help" Layla says. "I can help to" Liam says then he kisses my forehead before moving away. "I'll make sure to add extra marshmallows" Luke says giving me a wink then he disappears as well.. and suddenly I'm sat here alone listening to the storm outside the rain battering the windows and the wind whipping around the building.

I'm reminded I don't like the quiet. But I tell myself I'm okay, I'm here with everyone I care about. I'm okay I keep telling myself mentally over and over focusing on that until a loud banging smash happens I see the window going through and I scream so loud but I'm frozen in fear wondering who coming for me now then I see a reindeer Christmas light decoration stuck in the window. Is it just a freak accident or is someone out there.. there's doubt, I don't know I'm shaking like a leaf eyes glued to the window in fear waiting for someone to come through it but no one does.

"What happened?" Luke shouts coming running in with Cara right behind him as I hear here say "Oh my word! Luke I'm gonna kill you. You and this Christmas obsession suddenly look what you did" But I don't face them my eyes are glued to the window still. I'm still frozen in place staring at the window incase someone is about to come through it. I feel myself shaking badly.

"Hey, I'm sorry Sissy I thought it would hold up. It's okay your safe" Luke says grabbing my hand as he leans down infront of me blocking my eye line but I still focus to the side of Luke staring at the window as I hear Liam asking "What's happening" He sounds worried to. Followed by Layla saying "Luke what did you do?" Aaron laughs but then suddenly stops as he says "It's okay Jane no one is out there I promise".

I'm suddenly engulfed in big board shoulders I've grown to find a comfort. My view is fully blocked as Liam says "Hey, I'm here your safe baby girl". But I'm still shaking like a leaf I move enough so I can see the window as I say "please tell me that will ne fixed before I go to sleep. If not I need to check in somewhere that doesn't have a gaping hole breach where someone can climb through to try kill me".

"No ones going to try kill you" Cara says taking my hand. "Yeah, luke will have this fixed before I've finished doing our hot chocolates and setting up game night" Layla says

"Of course it will be fixed baby girl. How about we go in the kitchen and we can help prepare the drinks and snacks" Liam says

"No, I need to make sure no one comes in that window.. don't get me wrong if someone does I'm going to the kitchen because that's the best place for weapons to defend myself. I mean there's knifes and saucepans etc in there. But I need to make sure no one comes through the window" I say

"I'll make sure no once comes in here. I won't leave this room until the window is fixed How's that sound?" Luke says "I'm going to ring Andy, he will have someone here in minutes" Aaron says "Okay love, we got this" Cara says but all I can think about is all the times I've been attacked. The amount of attempted breaks in to my home. The actual break ins when I was at work. The threats, the voilence against myself. Its all flashing through my mind. And even though I know its just a Christmas decoration and one day I'll laugh about this. Right now I'm gripped with fear because there's a chance there's someone out there playing mind games. I'm not stupid enough to not let my guard down.

"You promise to not look away from the window?" I say knowing this sounds stupid.

"I promise sis, I won't let alone in here and no one is outside. The window will be fixed" Luke says

"Look at me, this is just the ptsd and all the trauma it's all okay. Let's go into the kitchen. You can even have a decent cigarette in the kitchen. But just come with us so it helps calm you down" Layla says

"I can't move" I say "Yes you can, you got this" Cara says "No, I'm to scared to move" I say "I promise I'll stay in here" Luke says then Cara says "Liam carry her out, this isn't any good she is in shock and gripped with fear".

"Come on baby girl, it's going to be okay" Liam says lifting me up I keep my eyes on the window as long as I can before it's out of my sight as Liam carries me into the kitchen. I'm still shaking like a leaf when he takes a seat at the table but keeps me rooted in his lap holding me close to him. Liam rubs my back. Layla and Cara following us. Cara starts to prepare snacks and Layla brings us a ashtray. Liam pulls out his cigarettes and lighter as Layla goes to continue making hot chocolates. Liam lights up a cigarette and passes it to me. I take it just about without burning myself as my hands are shaking that badly. He then lights uo his own one as I take in a deep drag. I smoke it even though it tastes vile, I realiseni suddenly prefer the vape I'm using. But I need something to help me calm down right now I deal with it.

Cara puts the music on low and I focus on the lyrics from lovers by post malone and Jelly roll.

I feel myself starting to calm down as the shaking slows down to a slight tremble.

Layla places a hot chocolate infront of me as she says "Here you go, you feeling a little better now?" I shake my head yes but my mind is still racing over all the abuse and attacks I've received since this all happened. I know I'm terrified still. I'm still haunted and living in hell. I put out the cigarette and get my vape out of my pocket and start on that and go back to focusing on the music. Burning down by Alex Warren is playing now.

"Andy is on his way" Aaron says walking in.

"See it's all going to be okay" Liam says followed by a kiss on top of my head.

"Of course it will be. Before you know it games night will be underway" Cara says and there all acting like I'm not freaking out. There acting like this is all okay. It's not okay, I'm not okay. I don't know if I'll ever be okay again. They don't deserve to deal with all this. I really should go. Better yet I should just take myself out. Needing to be alone I stand up which takes everyone by surpise.

"I need to be alone. I'm taking this to my room" I say picking up the hot chocolate.