That's not who I am!

Chapter 17

LIAM'S POV

I walk into the kitchen disappointment Jane didn't need me most the night. I could sleep from worry. Only to find her sat at the table with my parents dressed in work out clothes. Make and hair done looking like she use to before everything happened just a few added scars. But she looks beautiful as she sits cradling a coffee and has have a bowl of cereal eaten.

"Morning love" My mum says smiling and I can tell she is thrilled that Jane is up even my dad has abandoned his morning paper giving Jane his sole focus as he says "So your going to dance all day?"

"Thats the plan dance until I drop. It helped before so I'm hoping it helps this time" Jane says but her eyes have wandered to mine as I take a seat at the table after pouring my own coffee.

"Thats great, stay hydrated though" My mum says.

"I will, but you all need to get back to your lives. I don't want to feel like a burden to anyone anymore" Jane says without taking her eyes off me

"You sure your ready for that? I don't want to doubt you because I don't I'm just worried it's to much to soon" I say

"I'm sure, go to work do what you have to do I'll be fine. Plus Layla wants me to teach her stuff and still hasn't a new job so she will be about you won't have to worry" Jane says

"But we only worry because we care" My mum says and I know full well I'll go more crazy away from my baby girl than I would here.

"Thats true, but we can take it a day at a time. Unless you have planned more ahead?" My dad asks.

"I need to buy my own house. Somewhere local. Layla is right there wasn't anything keeping me down south before. There's definitely nothing keeping me there now. I won't lie I don't know if that's the right call. Maybe I should move abroad but it was world news so I don't think it will matter where I go it's going to haunt me either way. I may as well stay close to the people I care about what do you all think?" Jane asks which surpises me because this independent women wants guidance our input. It tells me she doubts her own choices now.

"I think local is good but there's no rush your always have a place here with me and everyone" I say "Thats true. There isn't any rush but staying local makes me so happy to hear" My dad says "And me" My mum adds on. Yet my stomach twists in knots thinking Jane may move out soon.

"Okay, well its not a final decision I'll definitely think it over seriously before I make any final decisions" Jane says

"Thats good take all the time you need" I say

"I will" Jane says but I can't take it anymore I can't take this faking to be okay.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this. Are we really going to sit here and pretend everything okay like nothing happened. Like you didn't just beg Layla few hours ago to let you kill yourself. I can't do it" I say then I stand up. "Liam" my dad says "No, I'm sorry dad but I need to go hit someone for real" I say

"I'm sitting right here, take your shot. Your mad at me. I'm use to it but just make sure you hit me hard enough I don't wake up" Jans says ever so calmly my eyes go wide and I run my hand through my hair as I say "Mum talk some sense into her because I just can't right now"

"No, your mad you want to hit someone but your mad at me Liam. Your not mad at anyone else! so take your swing" Jane says and I slam my fist on the table she flinches and I hate myself for that but I don't hold back as I say "I'm mad your right, but I sure as hell ain't mad at you! I'm mad at the people who did this to you and lucky for me I still have four fuckers that gonna feel that today! four fuckers that ain't you! unlike then I don't hit women Jane. Unlike them I'd never dream of laying a single finger on you. But there f*****g pay for what they did! Do you understand" and I'd of continued if my mum didn't shout "Thats enough!"

"No its fine Cara, Liam is intilted to be mad everyone mad right. Even I'm mad! I'm mad at life and I'm even mad that I love you all so much and you f*****g love me that I have to stay alive. So yeah we're all mad" Jane say

"I'm not mad at you!" I say "You are, your mad because I want to die your mad at me for that and I don't blame you. I'm mad at myself to!" Jane shouts

"Okay let's all calm down" Luke says and he and layla walk in.

"Calm down! everyone's acting like nothing happened as if Jane was begging Layla to kill herself a few hours ago as if she hasn't been laid in bed the past few weeks refusing to eat drink and talk to us. Yet we're ment to believe she is suddenly okay and fine to move out. Who are we kidding we would all be scared she would kill herself the second she left" I say

"Okay, but you ever think pretending would turn to reality?" Layla says

"She just asked me to hit her so hard she doesn't wake up!" I shout

"Because your mad at me!" Jane shouts

"Thats enough, everyone needs to stop" My dad shouts and with that I'm done I need to go cool off so I walk out. Luke follows me as he says "Let's hit the gym" "No them fuckers are done today" I say "Okay" Luke says

JANE'S POV

"I told you me being here is no good. You all deserve better!" I say to layla picking up my vape.

"Do you want to come stay with me?" Cara asks. "I want to be alone" I say "Thats not happening decide here or ours. Until we know your not going to kill yourself your staying somewhere" Aaron says

"Right now if you all want me to continue living I need to be alone dancing can I at least have that it helps me think" I say

"Of course" Layla says "Just stay hydrated and I'll make you lunch" Cara says.

"Thankyou" I say standing up then Aaron says "Jane, Liam is just worried he cares about you alot. Don't take what he said to heart" I place my hand on Aaron's shoulder as I say "I know, I won't take it to heart. But I can't ruin all of your life's anymore either" with that I walk out towards where the studio is apperently ready in the room me and Layla choose. "Your not ruining our lives" I hear Cara say though I don't reply I need to get these feelings out I need to feel numb. I'm done feeling this way.

I walk into the studio and I'm stunned. There's mirrors all around. The poles are to the side of my left. The floor is a beautiful white. The lights you can choose what colour you want. It's beautifully done. I there's a remote for the music. But I link up my own music first and decided to play the last song I heard because it's been playing in my head on and off since just by the lyrics you knew the house was burning down. I had to get out. So I put on burning down by Alex Warren on repeat. Then I started dancing. I didn't care my body hurt instantly I welcomed the burn. I needed the burn I needed to feel the music pumping through my veins like my body depended on it. I needed to shut my brain off. After the first loop of the song I turned the music to full blast because I was desperately in need of blocking my thoughts out then I danced spinning around in circles, gliding backwards and forwards breaking out all my moves. Minutes turn into hours and I ignore all the burning muscles and pain radiating through my body. Even when Cara dropped food in I continued. The food still sat in the corner. I barely drank and even when I did I drank whilst dancing still.

The same song still loops and it wouldn't surpise me if layla is stood outside the door.

But it's not Layla who walks in its Liam and I'm surpised since he clearly is mad at me. I'm surprised he isn't sick to death of me by now he hasn't left my side in weeks and yet here he is so soon. He stands by the door watching me. But I barely pay him any attention as I continue dancing. I'm not done. I'm no where near done.

The song ends and I grab the bottle of water to drink some as Liam says "Baby girl" as he starts to walk towards me the song starts again and I drop the bottle down as I go back into dancing. But Liam keeps heading my way and I just dance around him, away from him. I'm not done and I know he wants me done. His eyes scream stop, they plead but I just close my eyes a second not wanting to see those eyes before opening them and then avoid looking at Liam as I continue on. Even when the song comes to a end again and Liam says "Please take a break" I continue to dance and I drown him out. But then my legs give way on me half way through the song on the next loop I take deep breaths annoyed my body betrays me right now. I close my eyes trying to find my inner strength to get up again but I'm suddenly lifted into the air and I open my eyes Liams eyes are locked onto mine and he says something but I don't hear. I close my eyes and the second we exit the room Liam says "Your still recovering baby girl. That's enough for today"

"I can walk" I say "No you can't! you just collapsed. Don't argue with me on this" Liam says

"No you rather fight wouldn't you, rather hit someone" I snap "Yes I would, I won't be sorry for that.. that's who I am and I won't have anyone hurt you. So don't expect me to be sorry for wanting to destroy a world because you don't want to be in it anymore. You don't get to just say that and expect me to be okay" Liam says and I feel us stop moving. I look to see where we are after tearing my eyes away from Liams. We in the lounge on the sofa. No one else is around. I see it's dark outside.

"Okay" I say looking back at Liam. His eyes soften as he says "I'm sorry I shouted. I get scared to you know. I'm scared of losing you, I love you to much to lose you can't you see that?"

"I know, you don't think I know that? of course I know that Liam. I know you love me. But look what me being here does. Who is living there lives right now?" I say

"And you think we would be living them if you wasn't here. No we wouldn't we would be in a bad way, I'd lose myself. I'd destroy the world without you in it. I can't imagine a world where I don't get to see you. I couldn't sleep last night when you left me for Layla because I was scared you would slip out and kill yourself" Liam says

"I know! why do you think I went and danced so hard! because I know in order to make you all happy I have to live. But that means I'm here in pain! That means being selfless to you all makes me selfish to myself. Living for you all I'm living in hell. And through no fault of any of us. It's not fair it's not right and I sure as hell don't like it. But you don't get to be mad at me for being selfless to the point I want to dance until I've passed out! I shouldn't have to depend on anybody to sleep! I shouldn't have to be scared to go outside and live my life! I shouldn't have to be scared to open my social media accounts messages and voicemail in fear of which threat I'll see next. I shouldn't have to fear turning the TV or radio on in fear of seeing my face or hearing my name plastered everywhere while everyone talks about my life like they know me personally. But here I am living it and its hell. You think I want to leave the people I love and of course that includes you. I don't but I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live in fear anymore. I don't want to live being judged. no matter where I live it will be there" I say.

"I know baby girl. I know all that to, they will go away. Just hold on a little longer. I'll make it all okay" Liam says

"I wish you could but I don't think anyone can. we can't control how others think, feel and act. I wish we could" I say