That's not who I am!

Chapter 19

JANE'S POV

Three clothes shops later and onwas exhausted. I had shopped and brought three new wardrobes I'd decided I wouldn't need money for the fertility clinic now since I wouldn't be having a baby and I spoiled myself. Hopefully I'd feel like me a little with a new style.

So now in the make up shop I did the same but I really needed a break.

"Layla, I need a drink I need to sit down once we are done in here" I say

"I was going to suggest we have a break, you look a little pale" Cara says "I think yesterday's dancing and today's shopping has taken it out of me a little break is needed" I say

"Do you want to go home?" Aaron asks

"Yes, but I want Costa as well" I say

"I'll go grab Costa with Mike then meet you back here or Costa" Aaron says

"Okay, take Chase with you as well, your need all the hands for the drinks" Liam says

"Can I have a cake as well?" I ask

"Of course, then we can go home okay" Aaron say

"Okay I'm nearly done, you want anything else?" Layla asks.

"Yeah a whole new look, so please help fill this basket" I say and Layla does she quickly loads uo the basket and then we head to the checkout.

"Your want me to teach you to do your make up now won't you?" Layla ask "Yeah, I don't want to be reconignised as easily outside. I want to cut my hair and dye it as well" I say

"It can be arranged" Layla says.

Once we are all done we head to Costa and a few stores away we see Aaron coming out with drinks. Then we head back to the cars.

"I don't want to cook tonight" Cara says "Me either" Layla says "I want KFC" Luke says "I want kebab" Aaron says "I want McDonald's" Layla says

"You all want different things, I'm so staying out of this debate" I say yawning as we start filling the cars up with the shopping bags.

"Were just get a mixture so everyone's happy" Liam says

LIAM'S POV

After I've helped Luke and Liam take all the shopping bags upstairs to rooms I find Jane laid on the lounge floor on a bundle of cushions and blankets with her head under the Christmas tree. Layla and my Mum are sat on the sofa watching a Christmas movie.

I go lay down next to Jane as I say "What are you doing?"

"Trying to find my Christmas spirit mojo. It's very low this year" Jane says without even glancing away from stair up.

"And your find that here?" I ask trying not to laugh "I hope so, I love lights. I usually love Christmas lights and Christmas and hot chocolate and all Christmas stuff. I deserve to enjoy Christmas and not have that stolen from me to, that women is wrong" Jane says

"Of course she is and we told her straight I'm so proud of you" Layla says

"And are you finding your Christmas mojo coming back?" I ask

"No, it's so sad and Christmas is soon. I've missed half of Christmas season already" Jane says slowly turning to face me.

"Theres still plenty of time to enjoy christmas" My mum says

"It's true, what else can we do to help you fell Christmas happy?" I ask

"Nothing, this one is on me" Jane says followed by a sigh before she looks back up to the lights.

"Urgh, Sissy what are you doing?" Luke asks coming into the room "Why are you both on the floor" My dad asks coming in from behind him.

"I lost me Christmas spirit, it's so sad" Jane says "I'm down here asking the same questions" I say

"You want my famous got chocolate?" Luke asks "No thanks, I've got a coffee" Jane says.

"How about a game of poker we can forfeit Christmas stuff?" My dad says "Maybe tomorrow, I'm tired. Tired and depressed. Urgh I hate my life" Jane says

"We know and you want to die" Layla says

"I didn't say that" Jane says "But you thought it" Jane says and me and Luke look at each other not knowing if we should get involved with this one.

"Maybe so, but I'm laid under a freaking Christmas tree here trying so you gotta give me that" Jane says "True, you know what I'm depressed to, imma join you" Layla says

"Oh great, now I've two of you to worry about why are you depressed?" My mum asks "I'm depressed because Jane's depressed, we can be depressed together" Layla says laying the other side of Jane and they both look at each other. "See this is why I hide sad s**t from you because you get depressed to and I need you to be happy so I can be happy again. We both can't be depressed" Jane says then there both tearing up.

I get up, I go stand next to Luke and we look at each other and he has no expression help me "Your through married one not me. I don't know what I'm doing" I say my dad chuckles and my mum says "Oh dear lord, I may as well get depressed as well but there's no time for that. Of we all get depressed we will end up with a burnt Christmas dinner and I can't have that at christmas"

"Oooo, no we can't. stay sane your our only hope" Jane says sitting up quickly that she knocks a ball ball off the tree then she laughs as she says "Well looks like Christmas is trying to whack some sense into me now" Then there all laughing and I look between Luke and my dad Luke shrugs and my dad says "Women" and shakes his head laughing.

"So were not depressed anymore?" Layla asks sitting up making sure not to make the same mistake Jane did.

"I don't want to be trust me. I'm trying" Jane says Layla hugs her and says "I know"

"Alright both of you over here, bring the blankets let's watch this film before it finishes" My mum says.

"I'm ordering food in" I say running my hand through my hair I see Luke is doing the same as he says "I'll order stuff in to"

Janes phone buzzes she looks at it then places it on the table as she says "I made the news again. Yay goodie" but she isn't happy about it all.

"How do you know?" Layla asks

"Because the message I just received started with "You sick f*****g w***e go back and hide away! you deserve to rot in hell not shop without a f**k given. I can't tell you the rest because I refuse to read it"

"Damn that was fast" Layla says as luke goes over and picks up the phone

"I'll get you a new one. You ain't dealing with this s**t anymore! No arguements either. I will deal with these bears"

"Gonna sort me new social media as well. There figure it out you know" Jane says rolling her eyes as she sits on the sofa then looks at the telly.

"I'll sort it trust me" Luke says but Jane doesn't respond she makes out she is watching the TV but I see it in her eyes she is stewing on it.

"Don't let them win. Your better than they are" My mum says and Jane just fake smiles as she says "I know Cara, let's watch film yeah?" "Urgh, I hate people. No wonder your depressed. I think I'll stay depressed today we can try again tomorrow" Layla says "This is Excaulty why your be better off without me" Jane says as she cuddles up to Layla. "It's excaulty why we should stick together" Layla says but Jane doesn't reply. I follow Luke out the room who has Jane's phone and my dad follows to. We go in the garden and order food in whilst having a cigarette then we go through the phone.

"I'll kill them all" Luke says raging the more we see.

"How are they all getting her number?" I ask

"You know how, how we missed it was this bad is beyond me. Stupid school boy error in my behalf. We keep telling Jane it's going to be okay we keep promising whilst she has millions of messages saying g tve opposite each day. I'm surpised she got back out of that bed" My dad says

"It stops now!" I say "To f*****g right, every single person will suffer in some kinda way marl my words. I'm going to have some fun!" Luke says determined pocketing the phone

"I'll have a new phone here before the day is out but your more tech savy, you set it all up so no one can get through. Save photos etc from social media but set uo new accounts no one can access" I say

"I will don't worry" Luke says and with that we head back inside.

By the time all the food arrives everyone's eating except my baby girl, instead she is fake sleeping.

"You need to eat Sissy" Luke says "I'm not hungry. I'm tired" Jane says "Something small" Layla says "I lost my appetite" Jane says "What do you need?" My mum asks

"I'm going to ring my mental health team. I know your all worried but I don't need you all listening" Jane says

"Okay, here take my phone" I say going to get it.

"I need my phone, I have a personal number and she won't answer to your number" Jane says and with that luke looks at me. I nod my head yes because we can't dispute it. Jane needs it and we can tackle it when we have the new number ready to go.

Luke gives Jane her phone as she grabs the big knitted blanket that lives down here now. "I'll be in the back garden, I know you don't trust me alone for long. But your be able to see me and I'll get my privacy I think that's a good compromise" Jane says

"It is" I say and with that she heads out.

"I wish I could beat them all up" Layla says the second Jane has left the room.

"I do to" I say

JANE'S POV

"Ask yourself can you control any of this?" Sandy says "No I can't" I say.

"You can control how you react, how you handle it. How you let other people impact your thoughts. Why are you allowing people who don't even know you to have a impact on how you feel? They are nothing to you. There judgements don't count Jane" Sandy says. "I know that. But there physical attacks do. Everyone I loves safety does matter" I say "You can't control that as well. They know the risks, you said you have warned them. So they have been warned and decided to stick by you. They not stupid but they don't care there be careful. That's not on you. None of this is on you but your carrying it all on your shoulders" Sandy says

"Someone has to, I helped raise that monster after all" I say

"I'm sure you didn't tell him to be a monster" Sandy says "Of course not" I say "Well then it's on him not you. I know your freaking out because it's all over the papers your in Liverpool. But so what you have to be somewhere better surrounded by people who love you than alone" Sandy says

"I just wish I could die to make everyone happy again" I say

"You know that everyone wouldn't be happy, you just want it all to stop. What God will dieing do?" Sandy says

"It will stop my pain" I say

"But you will stop hurting one day" Sandy says

"I'll be happier watching everyone and being there guardian angels above on a nice little fluffy cloud" I say