Secrets

I've never told anyone this

Freddie's POV

Roger told me he 'wanted' to be with Dominique, yet here he is at 3 AM asking me to f**k him. I wanted to say no and tell him to go home, but of course I couldn't resist... no one could say no to those big, blue innocent eyes and that cute little face. Jeez, I'm so madly in love with him... but what about him? Is he still in love with Dominique? Or with two people at the same time? Is that even possible? He's so confusing... and then when I just asked him to stay, he said he wanted to but he can't...? He's obviously hiding something...

The next few weeks that f*****g Dominique comes to the studio with Roger almost every day. I'm sick of seeing her pathetic little face so often. I've never liked her anyway, cuz she has Roger and I don't, but I dislike her even more these days. She acts all sweet and innocent, but underneath she's just a cold-hearted b***h and Roger doesn't see that. Well, I do and I know he deserves better. And it's almost like she knows I want Roger and tries to rub it in my face that she has him. Also, Roger seems to be avoiding me, especially when Dominique is around. I hate it, I want to talk to him and ask what the f**k he's doing. And of course I want to do much more than talk...

I want to know If he actually has feelings for me, or if those two nights we spent together were just a little fun for him. They say women are confusing, well I can tell you men are much worse. You can never read their emotions.

I've never felt this way about anyone before. I've never looked at someone and got an instant mood lift by just seeing their face or so much jealousy when they're with someone else. 

And then there's Brian, who's moody and grumpy all the time, no one really knows why... he should be happy. He has a wife. He has someone he can come home to, someone he knows truly loves him. I wish I had that with someone... being in love with Roger at the moment is a lot of jealousy and just one, big question mark. 

John is the only one of us who's his normal self, thank God. John's a little quiet and socially awkward, but if you really get to know him and he trusts you, he's the funniest and sweetest person ever. Although lately, he has mostly been the one fighting with Brian a lot, because like all of us he's getting tired of his permanent grumpy attitude. Deacy always knows exactly what to say and when, it's impossible to win a fight against him. He's incredibly smart.

'Jeeeeeeesus Freddie, where are you with your head? We're trying to work here and you're not being helpful.' Brian says, sounding strongly annoyed once again. I just try to ignore it as much as possible and don't take his behaviour too personal. He's probably struggling with something in his personal life that's making him so moody. But still, it's annoying as f**k.

Not as annoying as Dominique though, doesn't that b***h have a job she can bugger off to? She's here almost every. Single. Day. God have mercy on me...

'Roger, I want a baby.' Dominique suddenly announces, as she runs her fingers through his hair. Immediately images of Roger f*****g her and screaming her name enter my head. I instantly get nauseous.

Roger gasps.

'You're kidding right?' He asks, as he anxiously looks up to her from his chair.

'No.' She simply says.

'Honey, you're 23 and I'm 25. I'm not ready to be a father. Jesus...' Brian and Deaky exchange looks with each other and me.

'But I want to have kids young...' She tries to convince Roger with her 'innocent' puppy eyes, but he's having none of that.

'I don't.' Roger says coldly before he focuses on something he was working on again. I'm secretly enjoying this a lot. If Roger would have kids with her, my life would be over...

'Jesus Roger, I'm...' Brian loudly sighs and cuts her off.

'Could you please discuss your future children elsewhere? We're trying to work here. Thank you.' This is the first time in days Brian said something I agree with. Dominique flips her hair back and arrogantly looks at Brian.

'Ugh, whatever. I'm out of here. I know better ways to waste my time. Bye baby...' she kisses Roger sensually before walking out and slamming the door behind her.

'Dom, Jesus don't overreact so much..' Roger calls, but she's already gone. I sigh in relief.

'Thank God.' I mumble. One b***h less.

'Can I kill her?' Brian asks. Roger rolls his eyes.

'No.'

'Just a little bit?' I giggle.

'Stop talking about my girlfriend like that.' Roger gives him a cold glance.

'I can't believe you didn't break up with her yet.' John joins the conversation.

'What? Why?' Roger says, looking highly annoyed.

'Well, you know, cuz she's just a cold-hearted bitch.' John even sees it. How can Roger not?

'Jesus, stop being so pathetic. I love Dominique.' He's lying. He doesn't love her. He told me so himself. Why would he lie to me about that? You can't just change your mind about loving someone, like, one day you don't wanna be with someone and the next day you do. That's not how it works. Honestly, can someone get me a lie detector? I finally want to know what Roger's really feeling and what he's hiding.

At the end of the day after Brian and John left the studio, I'm alone again with Roger and it's making me nervous. I have to act normal but the truth is I just wanna f**k his brains out right here.

'Roger, what the fuck.' I start. Cuz...perfect start to a conversation. He looks at me.

'What?' He asks, like nothing is wrong.

'What? You know what I'm talking about. Remember the conversation we had a couple of weeks ago? When you told me you're not in love with Dominique anymore? And then two days later when you told me you 'changed your mind' and 'wanted to be with her'?' Roger starts to look a little uneasy.

'I'd like an explanation. Now.' I cross my arms and stare at him. He clears his throat. I walk closer to him. 'I know you were lying. I know you don't wanna be with her.' I stare into his eyes and try to read his emotions, but once again that's impossible. He looks away.

'And what makes you think that?' That's it. He doesn't immediately deny it.

'Well, first of all, those two nights we spent together... you don't do that to your girlfriend if you really love her. And just the way you act around her. It's not how you act around someone you're in love with.' He swallows. I struck a nerve. He remains quiet.

'Come on Rog...you don't have to lie to me baby...' I hold his hands in mine. He lets me. He still doesn't say anything and looks down at his feet. I lift his chin up with one hand and look into his eyes.

'Look at me and tell me you love her.' His eyes fill up with tears. 'Hey, shhh...' I pull him close to me and he wraps his arms around my neck. I breathe in his scent. He smells so good. So...like...Roger. They say the main reason why you fall in love with someone is that they smell good. It's true. I'm addicted to Roger. My parents warned me for the drugs on the streets, but never for the one with the blue eyes and the heartbeat. I wish this moment could last forever.

Roger takes a deep breath and pulls back. He's not actually sobbing, but the tears are running down his face in silence. I gently wipe them away with my thumb.

'Don't cry, life is too short for so much sorrow.' A little smile breaks through his tears.

'I just...I don't want to talk about me and my life.' He quietly says. Something is clearly wrong, but if he doesn't want to talk about it yet I won't push him. I'll find out eventually. I always do. And he knows it. 'I want to talk about you. Tell me something I don't know yet. I want to be distracted from reality.' He wipes away his tears.

'Why are you suddenly so interested in me?' I ask, while grinning.

'Because I like you...' he says, with that cute little smile. My heart melts.

'Don't be dumb..' There it is again. The incredibly strong urge to kiss his delicious looking lips. The same feeling I had weeks ago. I remember that night like it was yesterday. Again, there's no fighting this urge. I gently press my lips against his. He doesn't push me away, but kisses me back. We're not snogging, just a nice, long, almost romantic kiss. Then I remember whose lips have been here too... intense jealousy overwhelms me and I pull back. I don't have to say anything, he knows why I stopped.

'Doesn't she know you're bi? Is that it?' I ask him. It could be.

'No..that's not the problem..'

'So there is a problem.' I knew it.

'I don't want to talk about it.' He sits down at a little couch. 'Now tell me about you.' He quickly changes the subject. I sit next to him, he climbs on my lap, getting all comfortable and resting his head in my chest. I suddenly realize what the problem is. He must just be in love with me and Dominique...there's no way I'm gonna share him though. But I can't push him away right now and tell him to stop being a player since I'm madly in love with him and grab any chance to (literally) get close to him.

'I've never told anyone this..' I start as I run my fingers through his golden locks. 'I used to make fun of a gay kid in my boarding school, until one day when I was feeling so alone and depressed I realized all I wanted to do was be with him...'