Secrets

Did I really just say that?

Freddie's POV

It's Monday morning, 7:45 am and I'm on my way to the studio. It's way too f*****g early but I'm in a good mood anyway, because I haven't seen Roger for a full damn day and I'm seeing him again today. You know that little voice in your head that is always, I repeat always talking about the person you're in love with. It's mentally exhausting not to see that person for a whole day. The voice is whispering all day long about how much I like Roger and how much I want to f**k him and how much I want him to be my boyfriend and how much I want him to break up with Dominique.

I've never felt this way about anyone before, I'm so so so so so so in love with him. So yes, I'm excited to see him again.

I'm not so excited to see Brian though, ever since he walked in on Roger and me it's like he isn't the same person anymore. Like he got traumatized. f*****g big whiny. So now every time I'm in the same room with him hell breaks loose. It was kind of like that before, but it's ten times worse now. Haven't hit him yet. But there's still time.

Everything is fine with Deaks though, thank god. He kind of knows something more than one f**k is going on between me and Rog, but he doesn't really seem to mind. f*****g hero.

When I enter the studio all three of the boys are already there, kind of f*****g around on their instruments, all looking hella f*****g tired, especially Roger. Is something wrong with him? I don't want anything to be wrong with him, I just want him to be happy.

'Jesus Christ, what happened to all of you? Had a rough weekend?' I laugh.

'You have no f*****g idea oh my god...' Brian groans.

'Me and Brian went out this Saturday and I'm still not recovered, seriously, f**k me.' Deaks giggles.

'Stupid fuckers.' I shake my head. I look at Roger, who's sitting behind his drumkit and he looks up at me. I smirk at him, making him smile and blush. Little angel. f**k me he's so adorable.

'So...what are we doing today again?' I ask.

'Uhm...we have to record the instrumental version of Killer Queen again because what we have now is just...meh.' John answers.

'Oh, yeah. Right.' I already know that this is gonna be a long day, because we're all perfectionists when it comes to our music so if one of us doesn't like something it mostly ends in arguments. Fun. But I'm excited nonetheless because I love doing this work. There's nothing I'd rather wanna be than lead singer of Queen.

Deaky and Brian get the instruments ready to use and stuff because John studied technical engineering so he knows how all that s**t works. While they're busy I quickly walk over to Roger.

'Hey.' I say. I look behind me. Bri and Deaks both have their back turned to us, so I take the opportunity to quickly kiss Roger on the lips. He loudly gasps.

'Freddie, what the f**k are you doing? They're right there!' He hisses, while he nods in Brian and Deaky's direction.

'So? I missed you...didn't you miss me?' I say, trying to sound sad.

'You saw me two days ago.'

'Exactly. I didn't see you for a whole day, that's one day too long.' I run my fingers through his hair. Roger giggles, but pushes my arm away.

'Seriously Freddie, stop it. They'll f*****g see.'

'Okay I'll stop after you give me one more kiss.' I tease.

'Freddie...no.' He whines.

'Please?' I plead.

'N-' But before he can say no again, I grab his face with both of my hands and plant a kiss on his lips. When I pull back Roger is blushing heavily.

'Awww, you're so cute when you're blushing. That wasn't that bad, right?' He carefully shakes his head. 'Are you okay though? You look a bit tired.' I ask, with a lot of concern in my voice.

'Yes, I'm...fine. Just had a bit of a rough night. Didn't sleep too well.'

'You're sure that's all?'

'Yes, don't worry.' He smiles.

'You know you can talk to me when something is wrong, right?'

'Yes I do.' He rolls his eyes.

'Okay.' I whisper, trying really hard to resist the urge to grab him and pull him close to me and snog the s**t out of him right here and now. 

'Oh and remember, you can just grab me and kiss me anytime you want. I don't give a s**t if they see it.' I grin.

'I know you don't care, but I do. And we'll give poor Brian a freaking heart attack or something.' My face drops.

'Are you seriously gonna protect his homophobic ass?'

'Jesus chill down, I'm joking.'

'It's not funny Roger, he's-' Before this can turn into a serious argument John yells that they're done getting the stuff ready and that we can begin.

. . .

A few hours into recording we decide to take a break. It's going quite smoothly until now, we haven't had any arguments yet for a change. I crash on the little couch in the corner of the room.

'So uhm...Freddie...' Brian starts.

'Hmm?'

'How's your love life going?'

'Why do you care?' I quickly exchange looks with Roger.

'Just wondering.'

'You know how my love life is going, Bri. It's still the same, just a bunch of one night stands. So everything is perfect.'

'That's what you call perfect?' He laughs. 'So still no...special person? Someone you thought about f*****g more than one meaningless time?' He raises his eyebrows at me. f*****g nosy bastard.

I'm trying really hard not to blush, or stare at Roger.

'No...? Do you have a problem with my s*x life or something?'

'Don't lie Freddie. Perhaps it's someone you were already close with before?' Oh that's what he's trying to get out of me. I sit up straight and look him in the eyes.

'Hey Brian, mind your own f*****g business and please stop bullshitting me, because all of us know that you're talking about me and Roger. So tell me, what's your problem with us?' I ask, raising my eyebrows at him.

'So you're admitting it?' He asks.

I quickly look at Roger, who's turning red as a tomato and barely noticeable shakes his head at me.

'I'm not admitting anything, just asking you what your f*****g problem is.'

'Who says I have any kind of problem? I-'

'Well you clearly do. Ever since you walking in on me and Roger, that one time, you act like you're traumatized and you treat us like we're f*****g criminals or something.'

'Freddie, stop it.' Roger says, with a threatening undertone.

'What? He started! And it's f*****g true, you know it! So Brian, tell us, what's the problem with it?'

'Well, everything! You guys are bandmates and like, best friends.'

'So? I still don't see the problem.'

'It's just unprofessional. Can't you see?'

'Yeah, unprofessional...you sure you're not just a bit homophobic?' I slightly tilt my head and fake-smile at him.

'No...I'm...I'm not but...Jesus are you even listening to me? Like I just said, you guys can't possibly have anything going on, it's unprofessional.'

John rolls his eyes and sighs.

'Brian.' He starts. 'If they have something going on and they want to be together or whatever, you should let them. They're f*****g adults, so stop treating them like kids. You're the one who's being childish here, because if this is what's gonna make them happy it's perfect this way and you should mind your own f*****g business.'

Brian's mouth falls open and I start clapping for Deaky. That's exactly what Brian needed to hear.

'Finally someone said it.'

'So you're choosing their side?' Brian gives John a dark glare.

'I'm not choosing anyone's side, I just want them to be happy. So if this is how they're gonna be happy, then so be it.'

'But who says we have anything 'going on'?' Roger says, as he accusingly looks at me as if I did something wrong. 'It was a one time thing and it happened months ago. Why are we still talking about it? I have a f*****g girlfriend, okay.' He sounds so convincing. Such a good liar. If only Brian knew we f*****g three times just last week.

'Because, my dear, Brian started this argument and he's the one who is still worried about it even though it was a one time thing.' I answer, as I give Brian a dark glare.

'Hey, you guys f****d. I didn't do anything wrong. Yeah, so does Roger's girlfriend know about this 'one time thing'?' Roger's turning a bit pale. 'Also 'one time thing' my ass, you guys are completely obsessed with each other.' Again I'm trying not to blush. Is it that obvious?

'Jesus Brian did you even listen to any of the things I just said? Deaks says. 'They're adults, they're old enough to sort this out themselves okay?'

'No, not okay. Because what will become of this damn band if the press ever finds out?' Ever thought about that? Because not everyone likes gay people you know.'

'Shut up! Just...shut up. No press will ever find out, because there's nothing to find out. It was a one time thing.' Oh my god, Brian is really getting on my nerves. This is what I mean, he can be so f*****g stubborn. Could he just mind his own s**t for one second?'

'Freddie, look into my eyes and tell me again that is was a one time thing.' Brian says.

'What? Why? You're not my f*****g mom.' I sarcastically laugh. Roger raises his eyebrows at me as is he's saying 'do it.' 

'f**k you Roger.' I think. It hurts so bad that he doesn't want anyone to know. Because all I want is for him to f*****g finally break up with his girlfriend and for us to be a couple. I want to be able to scream off the rooftops that I'm in love with Roger Taylor and that he's mine.

But from the looks of it, we're still far, far away from that.

I get up, walk towards Brian and look directly into his eyes.

'It was a one time thing, mom. Believe me now?'

'No. I know you're lying to me.'

'Ugh you're so pathetic. Is your own life not interesting enough or something? Is that why you're trying to get something out of me? I'm seriously so f*****g close to slapping him in the face.

'Oh my god guys! Stop it!' Roger exclaims. I look at him. He looks kinda desperate for this argument to be over, which I understand. I look at Brian again. He looks like his poor little feelings just got hurt or something. Does he ever think about my feelings?'

'f**k you, Brian May.' Then I walk out of the studio. I need some fresh air. Doesn't Brian see how much he hurts me when he says things like that? It's none of his f*****g business. f**k, my eyes are starting to water. No no no no no don't cry. I shouldn't take it so personally, Brian's just a d**k sometimes. Maybe he's right though. Maybe Roger and I shouldn't be doing what we're doing. Deep down I know that already, but I'm too addicted to him to stop doing this.

After a few minutes Roger walks up to me. I'm standing in a little alley next to the studio, so no one can really see us. My heart instantly makes a jump. Oh shut up heart, I've seen him a million times already but it keeps making jumps.

'Are you crying?' Roger softly asks.

'No.' I say, as I wipe away a tear that fell on my cheek. 'Are you angry at me?'

'No, course not. Just don't listen to Brian. He's being an asshole. He's really good at that.'

'But...but maybe he's right. Maybe we shouldn't be doing this...We both know that we're never really gonna work out...' I wipe away more tears.

'Freddie! Stop saying all those things!' He exclaims. 'Why...why wouldn't we work out?' His voice trembling a bit.

'You know why. Because you have your...girlfriend, and...Brian was right about the press. If they'd ever find out the band would practically be over.' I'm panicking, trying really hard not to burst into tears. 'But I can't just...fall out of love with you.' A tiny sob escapes.

'Oh Freddie...shhh...come here.' He wraps his arms around me, holds me tight and rubs my back. Seriously, the guide to self-destruction: fall in love with someone you can never be with.

'f**k, why I this all so hard and complicated?' I groan, still half crying. 'I want things to be simple. I just...want you to be my boyfriend.' I whisper. Oh my god did I really just say that?

I feel Roger tense up.

'You do?' He softly asks in disbelief as he pulls back to look at me with a little smile on his face.

'You know I do.'