Secrets

Not possible

Freddie's POV

'But that's simply not possible.' I continue, even though saying those words is breaking my heart. 'You know that too.' The smile disappears from Roger's face.

'But...but I can break up with Dominique. I-' He rambles, slightly starting to panic. He grabs my hands and desperately looks into my eyes.

'You keep saying that, but when are you actually gonna do it?' I let go of his hands and give him a cold glare.

'Freddie, please. It's not that simple. If it was I would've broken up with her a long time ago.'

'Oh please stop making up excuses. You're just using me for s*x, aren't you? Why can't you admit that? Don't you see how much it hurts me to see you with your girlfriend all the time? Because I am actually f*****g in love with you and I'm done being your second choice. You're good at pretending, by the way.' And with that, I walk away. Roger does nothing to stop me. That proves that I'm right. He doesn't really care about me. For a moment I thought he was truly in love with me. I should've known all along he isn't. It's too good to be true anyway.

Normally I'm always the one using people for s*x and then tossing aside.

Karma's a bitch...

Roger's POV

My mind is screaming 'f*****g run to Freddie and f*****g tell him how much you're in love with him and f*****g kiss him to prove it.' But my body won't do it. Brian was right. Maybe it is better this way. But all the things Freddie said to me still hurt so much, how can he think I don't care about him? Is he blind? Doesn't he want to see? Don't I show him enough how much I care? 

If only he knew how much I'm risking by doing this with him. But apparently it's over now.

Yes, it really is better this way and I knew that already. Because if he'd ever find out about what I've been hiding from him... It's gonna be beyond f****d up if he finds out now, but it would be even worse if he'd find out while we're in a relationship or whatever.

Fuck. I had billions of people to choose from. Why oh why did my heart choose exactly him? Exactly the one person I can never ever be with. Even if that's what I want most.

He's the one person who is always there for me when I feel like the whole world is against me. He's like a safe haven, a guardian angel. I need him. And to need someone is a very dangerous thing. How am I gonna survive to live without him? We could never be normal friends anymore now, obviously. But there has to be a solution to all of this, I can't imagine a life without Freddie in it.

There's a huge lump in my throat so I take a few deep breaths to stop myself from crying before I head back into the studio. Freddie and I don't say a word to each other for the rest of the day. I can tell that this whole situation is bothering him a lot, which makes me want to hold him and tell him it's all gonna be alright in the end. But I don't, because I know that it's better this way. We'll have to talk eventually, but he just needs some space right now I guess. 

To make things even worse, Dominque is still not letting me in our f*****g house. I don't know what overcame her, but she actually went mad or something. So since I have nowhere to stay I've literally been living in my car, which I ten out of ten would not recommend. I barely get any sleep.

I'm genuinely concerned about Dominique, what if she has an actual mental illness or something? What if she needs professional help? Or maybe she's on drugs. Ever since I cheated on her she turned into a completely different person, which I can understand in a way, but she changed so much that it's scaring me. It's like she absolutely hates me, but at the same time loves me too much to let me go. If she really hates me that much, why doesn't she leave me? I miss the old Dominique a lot, even though I'm in love with someone else now. I still care about her. We used to be so happy together. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the time, to when I was still completely in love with her and things weren't complicated at all.

. . .

A few days later

Do you know that feeling when the space around you is completely filled with people, yet you still feel extremely lonely? That's how I'm feeling right now. I'm sitting in a bar, all alone, probably looking pathetic and depressed because I kind of am. There's a drink in front of me. I don't even remember what I ordered. Hopefully something strong. I'm already so f*****g drunk though.

I'm still living my best life in my car (not) so I went here to escape being alone. But I feel even lonelier here. Everyone seems to be having a good time and I barely even remember how smiling works.

It's like nobody cares about me anymore. Freddie isn't talking to me. Dominique isn't talking to me. Brian isn't talking to me. John...I don't know. We used to be quite close but it's like something changed between us. Going to my parents isn't an option either, because what am I gonna say to them? 'Hey, my pregnant girlfriend kicked me out because I cheated on her with my best friend?' Uhm, I don't think so. They wouldn't even let me into their house.

Yes, Dominique is pregnant, that's why I'm so f*****g worried about her. What if something happens when I'm not there? I may not love love her anymore, but I still care about her. And I'll love our child with my all my heart. Maybe I should tell her that, maybe it'll calm things between us down.

She told me she's pregnant about a month ago. I kind of felt it coming, but it was still a huge shock. I mean, I'm 24 and she's 23 and we're gonna be f*****g parents. Nobody knows yet. My parents don't know, Freddie doesn't know, Brian and John don't know... I'm especially not looking forward to telling Freddie. I know that it'll shatter his heart into a million pieces, because he wants (or wanted) me all to himself but if I have a kid with Dominique she would be in my life forever. Maybe that's also one of the reasons why I'm so scared.

And all of the crazy things that she's done the past few months...what if my theory about her having some mental illness is true and she'll do something to the baby? Or what if she runs off with the baby as soon as it's born and I'll never get to see it?

Dominique is not the person I want to have a kid with. I don't fully trust her, or love her. Anymore. I don't want any kid to grow up with us together as parents.

I don't think I've ever been so terrified in my whole entire life.

Maybe I should just become an alcoholic, at least I'd always have something to do.

While I'm in the middle of trying to figure out a way to get my life together again, some quite handsome looking guy walks over to me.

'What is gorgeous guy like you doing here all alone?' He asks. I shake my head, giggle, and look at him. Oh my god, for one beautiful second I thought it was Freddie. He looks so much like Freddie. He has long, black hair, black painted nails, dark eyes and he's wearing a bunch of rings. He looks kind of gothic or something and I like that. I always find people who don't look 'average' a lot more attractive. He's not Freddie of course, but he sure looks good.

'Why aren't you in a gay bar or something?' I ask. His face drops.

'Oh...you're straight?' He sounds genuinely disappointed.

'No, much better. I'm bi.'

'Wow, what's that like?'

'Hard, because there's way too much choice.' I laugh.

'So if there's too much choice, why are you alone right now?' I think about Dominique and Freddie for a second. My smile disappears.

'Exactly for that reason.' I conclude. He sits down next to me.

'Do you...want to talk about it?'

'...no.' It's really none of his business. And I don't wanna remind myself of how f****d up everything is again. I drink up whatever is in the glass in front of me in one gulp.

'That's okay. What's your name?'

'Roger.'

'So Roger, can I buy you another drink?' Okay, yes, I know that this probably won't end well and that hooking up with yet another person would only further complicate things. But Dominique and I basically broke up, so I wouldn't really be cheating.

'Yes please. I'll have a large whiskey. What's your name?'

'Evan.' He orders the drink for me. 'So what do you do for a living besides being sexy?'

I laugh at his cheesy flirting and shake my head.

'I'm a drummer. In a band called Queen.'

'Wait, Queen? I went to a concert once! You guys are really good.'

'Really? Oh my god thank you.'

'So you're the drummer huh? That is so hot. I don't know why but drummers are kind of my fetish.'

'Today is your lucky day then.' I smirk. 'So do you uh...have a boyfriend?'

'Do you think I would be buying you a drink right now if I had a boyfriend?' He grins.

'Well I don't know. Maybe.' I laugh.

'Do you have a...partner?' He asks. Oh f**k me. Here we go.

'Uhhh...well...kind of.' He raises his eyebrows at me.

'What...do you mean? Or...do I want to know?'

'Do you?'

'I do now. You've made me curious. C'mon, I love a good juicy story.' He dramatically winks at me. I start laughing. Right at that moment our drinks arrive, and again I drink my whole glass down in 0.3 seconds. 'Wow...you're thirsty.' He jokes.

'Stop it, you're reminding me of someone I want to forget about.' I laugh. Freddie of course. Him and his stupid, never-ending dirty jokes.

'Okay, but tell me about...I don't know, whatever you were gonna tell me.'

'Uhm...this is gonna sound a bit f****d up but you asked for it, so...' I laugh.

'Oh don't worry, I can handle quite a lot.' He playfully smacks my thigh. Oh, are we already doing that? Okay.

'So...I have a girlfriend.' Evan's face immediately drops. I take a deep breath and continue. 'And I have a best friend.'

'Oh I already feel it coming.' Evan says.

'Yes, but it's worse than you think. So my best friend is gay and one night a few months ago we went out and we got drunk obviously and you know...we had s*x. Because that's what happens sometimes when you get drunk with a friend.' He nods in agreement. Obviously I'm not gonna tell him I'm actually in love with Freddie, because that would scare him away and I enjoy his company.

I continue telling him about how I wanted to break up with Dominique after my night with Freddie but that for some reason she doesn't want to even though she's furious that I cheated. And that Freddie and I had s*x a few more times and that Dominique is pregnant with my child and that she kicked me out of our house when she found out I cheated again. Of course I don't mention any of their names because I barely know Evan and I don't want him to know their names. Cuz what if he's a serial killer or something. You never know.

'But I don't understand, because first she wouldn't let me break up with her and now I'm basically homeless because of her.' I sigh. Evan looks at me in disbelief and shakes his head.

'Oh wow, I didn't see all of that coming indeed. And you looked so cute and innocent...' He giggles. Then his face turns more serious. 'Oh I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh. That's all...horrible. I'm so sorry you're going through all that.' He sounds genuinely worried.

'I'm sorry I bothered you with all of my problems.' I say, while shaking my head. 'So yeah..I came here to try and forget about everything.'

'And are you having success with that yet?'

'I am now that you're here.' I carefully glance at him. Damn, he really looks like Freddie.

'Are you...trying to flirt with me?' He raises his eyebrows at me.

'What? Isn't that exactly what you were doing earlier?'

'Yes but that was before I knew you apparently have a pregnant f*****g girlfriend!' He exclaims. Oh please don't go away now. I want him to stay here with me. I like him.

'We've...basically broken up, so it doesn't matter anymore. I already cheated on her so many times and it wouldn't even surprise me if she has cheated as well. And she has my blessing for all I care. Our relationship is a joke. And now we're having a kid.' I bury my face in my hands and sigh deeply. I don't care about anything anymore at this point, I just want to really have some fun. And Evan seems like a great guy to have some fun with.

'Okay...So what did you just say? Am I helping you forget about all your s**t a bit?' He cracks into a grin again.

'Yes, you are. I mean, look at you. You're gorgeous. You look like F...like my best friend.'

Evan smirks at me. 'The friend you cheated with?'

'...yes.' I feel my cheeks getting a bit flushed.

'Aww look at you, you're so cute when you're blushing.' Evan teases with a huge grin on his face.

'Stop it.' I laugh.

'What, I can't help that you're f*****g handsome.' Okay look, I know that this is not smart. But I'm too drunk to give a s**t right now and I love the attention he's giving me. I honestly kinda wanna f**k him.

I lick my lips while looking at him.

'I swear to f**k, if you bite or lick your lips one more time while we're talking, you're getting f****d so hard.' Evan smirks.

'Wha...I don't consciously do that! You can't hold me accountable.' I exclaim.

'Oh so you don't want me to f**k you?' He teases.

'That's...that's not what I said.' I try to defend myself.

'Are you scared now?' He jokes.

'You don't scare me.' I bite my lip again, while staring right into his eyes.

'That's enough, you f*****g tease!' He leans forward, puts his arms around my neck and crashes his lips onto mine. f**k yes, this is exactly what I need right now. Kissing will always win from alcohol when it comes to easing pain or forgetting about everything around you.

I kiss Evan back and feel him smile against my lips. Oh my god, I love that. He gently pushes his tongue into my mouth, we're actually snogging right now. He tastes...different from Freddie, which is logical I guess since he's a different person. Jesus Christ, can Freddie stop crossing my mind every minute or so?

This really isn't smart, but I can't stop now. Evan is a f*****g great kisser.

I pull back for a second, because we're still sitting on these damn barstools so I can't...ya know...easily use my whole body while we're making out.

'You like that?' Evan rasps. All I can do is nod. I grab his hand and basically drag him to a dark corner.

He looks into my eyes, smirking and roughly pushes me against the wall. f**k yes. I wrap my arms around him and pull him as close to me as possible.

'You have such...pretty lips.' I say to him.

'You're so drunk.' He laughs, before kissing me again, a little rougher this time. I press my whole body into him and run my fingers through his hair. Wow, I don't think I've ever made out with someone so shortly after meeting them. Maybe I should become a prostitute. Jesus I'm so drunk, I don't even have control over my own thoughts anymore.

Evan rubs my inner thigh and presses his hardening d**k against me.

'Wanna make this even more fun?' He whispers in my ear, breathing heavily after pulling back for a moment.

'Is that...like...possible?'

'Ever had cocaine before?' He says with a mischievous smirk.