Secrets

We were supposed to stop this

Roger's POV

What the f**k is Freddie doing here? How the f**k did he get here? It's like time just f*****g stopped. Is this really happening? Is that really Freddie staring right at me as I'm being f****d and having an orgasm? And who the f**k is that other guy?

I try to yell something at Freddie, tell him to go away or whatever but no sound will come out of my mouth except my uncontrollable moaning. Because I can't f*****g stop cumming. And Freddie is still staring at me. And don't know if I'm supposed to laugh or cry right now. Part of thinks its kind of hot that Freddie is seeing this, but the biggest part of me just wants to f*****g die right now.

I don't think Evan even noticed that there are two people standing in the doorway looking at us, because he's way too f****d up and high and drunk and his eyes are probably closed. 

'Evan...' I moan, as he still mercilessly pounds into me and I cover his hand and the table in my c*m.

'Yeah, baby?' He groans, leaning down and sinking his teeth into my shoulder. 'God...I'm so close.' He whispers.

'Evan, look at the f*****g door.' I manage to say without getting disturbed by my moans. I hear Evan gasp loudly.

'Oh my god! What the fuck...Dylan! What the f**k are you doing here?! And who the f**k are you!?' He yells, as he quickly pulls out of me and tries to kind of hide his d**k behind his hands. I don't think I've ever been this embarrassed in my whole entire life. Of all people, why did it have to be Freddie walking through that door right now? I want to die right on the spot.

I quickly walk back to the bathroom together with Evan.

'Don't be mad at me, I never said you could use my f*****g apartment as a place to f**k your sluts!' The guy who's apparently called Dylan yells. Did he just call me a f*****g slut? I would kick him in the nuts, but I'm too drunk and too embarrassed to do anything. Evan slams the bathroom door shut.

'So...that's Dylan, the guy who lives here. And I did not know he was gonna be here tonight. I'm so f*****g sorry.' We quickly get dressed again.

'Oh, it's not your fault, I guess. What was that other guy doing here though?'

'I have no idea. Never seen him before. Probably getting coke, cuz Dylan isn't gay. As far as I know. Do you know him?' I shake my head, because what if he finds out Freddie is 'the friend' I was telling him about earlier? That would make everything even more awkward. 'f**k, I'm still hard too. I'm gonna kick Dylan's ass for walking in right as was about to c*m. Couldn't he have waited like, one minute?'

'Aww, poor boy.' I giggle. 'I uhh...I think I have to go now, though.' Because I need to go find Freddie to explain this whole situation to him. I doubt whether he'd even listen to me. 

'Aww, I'm gonna miss you.' Evan smirks at me and pulls me towards him to give me one last kiss. And a sneaky squeeze in my ass too. 'We should do that again soon. You know where to find me.' He whispers in my ear. I shyly smile at him.

'Bye, Evan.'

'Bye, Roger.'

I notice that we're alone again. Dylan has gone into another room and Freddie has stormed off the stairs. I don't know if I'm angry at him or just embarrassed. f**k, I need to go after him.

I walk out of the door. All of the euphoric feelings from the coke are gone now, and I honestly feel like s**t. As soon as Evan shuts the door behind me I start running towards Freddie.

'Freddie! Wait!'

'Leave me alone.' He groans, without looking back.

'What the f**k are you doing here?' I ask, ignoring his grumpiness. I catch up on him and push him against the wall.

'Roger I'm serious! Don't f*****g touch me.' His voice sounds shaky up and angry. I run my thumbs over his cheeks. He roughly pushes me away and proceeds walking down the stairs.'I was getting coke, but you ruined it.'

'Don't be mean, Freddie.' I whine. 'You were getting coke? But you didn't actually get it, did you?'

'No, because do you think I was just gonna casually walk in there, completely ignoring the fact that you were right there, being f****d by...I dunno. Who the f**k was that? Since when do you know him?'

'No no no, I have a better question for you. Don't you think it's a bit of an odd coincidence that you were getting coke the exact same place and time where I was being f****d?'

'Yes, it is.' He groans. 'Did you even f*****g know that guy?' He turns around and looks at me.

'Why would you care? You said you didn't want to continue... whatever we were doing together so...'

'Roger, where the f**k are you with your rational mind? Do I have to remind you that you still have a f*****g girlfriend!? Or did you finally break up with her?'

'Uhh...kind of.'

'Kind of? What do you mean?' He sounds interested now.

'Well...uhh...she...uhm...' Why do I suddenly have such a hard time speaking? Just f*****g say it. 'She kicked me out.' I deeply sigh. Freddie stares at me in disbelief.

'She what?'

'You heard me.'

'Why? Why would she do that? I don't believe you.'

'No? Ask her if you want to.'

'So it's finally over?' His voice sounds hopeful. The motherfucker.

'Uhh no, or...I don't f*****g know. She told me to come back in a week so...we'll see.' I'm getting f*****g annoyed now, I'm not in the mood to have arguments about things I don't even want to think about.

'So where the f**k are you sleeping now?'

'Uhh...in my car...' I stare at the ground. I know he's gonna scream at me now.

'Roger! Are you actually f*****g crazy!? You're sleeping in a damn car because some stupid b***h threw you out of the house!?' Told you.

'Well I can't help it! She changed the f*****g locks!' I exclaim, throwing my hands up in the air.

'And you're just okay with it!?'

'Freddie, calm the f**k down.'

'When did it happen?'

'Pfff..Saturday morning...'

'You're so f*****g irresponsible! You should've told me, or Brian or John. We could've helped you! But no, instead of doing that you decide to have s*x with someone that could've f*****g killed you.'

'Says the one who does nothing but have s*x with people he's only known for a few f*****g minutes. You're a f*****g hypocrite, you know that?' I don't know how I still have energy left to yell at Freddie. 'Besides, if he'd killed me, who cares?' I shrug. Before I know it Freddie's hand hits my cheek. f**k, that stings.

Did he just hit me? He did. He f*****g did! I'm too stunned to say anything.

'f**k, I'm so so so sorry, Roger!' His voice sounds like he's totally panicking. I carefully look at him. 'Jesus, why did I do that, I'm sorry...' He gently wraps his arms around me and I let him pull me close to him. I notice that I'm shaking like a damn leaf. 'But please, never say s**t like that ever again. I f*****g care, don't you see? I care too much.' I wanna help you but I don't know how and that's so frustrating.' I answer him by wrapping my arms around him as well and burying my face in his hair. f**k, he smells really good. Just this one hug is making time stop and everything else seem irrelevant.

I f*****g care about him as well. Of course I do. Not just as a friend, obviously. But I feel like I can't tell him that anymore now that Dominique's pregnant. I can't fully commit to him. I never will be able to do that.

'It's okay.' I whisper. 'But you can't help me. I have to do this myself.'

'No, it's not okay. Why can't I help you?'

'I...it's...I can't tell you.'

'Roger, stop saying that. Whatever it is, I'll be there for you. You know that, right?' He pulls back and cups my face in his hands, studying my face for a few seconds. I can't get myself to look into his eyes. I feel so f*****g guilty. I could never tell him what's really going on. I really need to try and fix this s**t myself. I know that look on his face. He wants to kiss me.

'I wanna kiss you.' He whispers. Told you.

'I know.' He just went from hitting me in the face to wanting to kiss me. Love is confusing, I guess.

'But I'm not going to cuz you probably just sucked that guy's dick.'

'Oh suddenly you're disgusted by d***s? That's new.' I giggle.

'But I was serious when I said that he could've killed you. There was something off about him.'

'Stop that s**t, Freddie. You're just f*****g jealous.'

'You do have a type.'

'Did it turn you on?' I teasingly smile at him.

'Stop that s**t, Roger. Come on, we're going to my house.' He groans.

'We're going to your house? I thought you just said you didn't wanna kiss me?'

'Oh no, we're not gonna f**k, we're gonna sleep. Because I'm not letting you sleep in your car one more night.'

'Thank you.' I whisper. Oh god, I feel so f*****g embarrassed and guilty. Guilty about not being able to tell Freddie the truth about my feelings and why I can't be with him. Guilty about not being with Dominique when she needs me the most. Well, maybe that was a little bit her fault, but I still feel like it's my fault. And guilty about having a f*****g one night stand on top of all of that.

I can't even take care of myself like a normal person, my best friend has to take me to his house at 2:15 in the morning because I'm basically homeless.

'Are you feeling okay? You look a bit pale.' Freddie asks.

'Honestly, no. I feel really shitty. I'm f*****g nauseous and dizzy.'

'Yeah, that's what you get when the high from the coke is over. Please...just...don't throw up in my car.' I can only hear about half of what he's saying, cuz I feel like I'm only half-conscious. Like I'm sinking into an ocean. Nearly everything turns black before my eyes.

'Freddie, wait...I'm...I'm gonna faint.' I manage to say, right before I lose my balance and fall backwards. Freddie catches me right before I hit the ground, and he lays me down carefully.

'Roger! Roger, hey, listen to me.' His voice pulls me back to reality. I open my eyes slowly, but still mostly see black.

'Roger, I need to clench all of your muscles, okay. That'll prevent you from fainting again.'

'I can't.' I feel way too weak for that.

'You have to.' He demands. I try, and slowly the black before my eyes goes away and I can see clearly again.

'Okay?'

I weakly nod.

'Let's get you out of here.' He throws one of my arms around his neck and basically drags me out of the bar and into his car.

Freddie's POV

What the f**k has Roger done to himself? So what we had was meaningless after all, why else would he go f**k someone else the same day I 'broke up' with him? Would you do that when you're really in love? I don't know. I've never really been in love before, and I don't feel like f*****g anyone else at the moment. I only want Roger.

Every last bit of hope I had about things between us working out is gone now.

Part of me wants to hit him in the face again and yell at him for being such an i***t, but that wouldn't solve anything. Part of me blames myself for his behaviour, because if I hadn't been so hard on him this afternoon would he have done the same thing? And part of me wants to f**k his brains out. But that part is always there.

I drive to my house as fast as I can without breaking the speed limit, since I doubt Roger's ability not to throw up in my car. He looks more dead than alive.

When we arrive at my house I drag him out of the car and inside.

'I'm gonna...throw up...'Roger groans, breathing heavily.

'That's what I thought.' I get him in the toilet as fast as possible. He doubles over and starts vomiting. Poor boy. I feel bad for him, even though I'm still angry. I hold his hair back to make sure no vomit gets in it.

Why am I doing this again? I'm f*****g crazy. Taking care of Roger after he had a one night stand and more alcohol and coke than his body could handle. He can really be a stupid little s**t sometimes. But I can't not do this either...

He stops throwing up for a second.

'Done?' I ask. He shakes his head. And there we go again.

After several minutes he finally stands up.

'Fuck.' His voice sounds even raspier than normal.

'I'll get you some water.'

'Yes, water.' I walk to the kitchen to fill a glass of water while he sits down on the couch.

'Feel better?' I ask, as I hand him the water and sit down as well.

'Kinda. Thank you. For...you know...being crazy enough to do all of this for me in the middle of the night.' He chuckles.

'Well, what was I gonna do? Let you die?'

'I don't deserve you.'

'That's right.

'I'm sorry. Jesus what have I done.' He buries his head in his face.

'I know. That's the shitty thing about drugs and one night stands, it feels amazing in the moment but afterwards, you feel f*****g horrible.' But I still keep doing it. Well, the past few months I haven't really had any one-night stands which is very rare for me, but it's just because no one will ever be able to make me feel how Roger makes me feel.

'Yeah...' He sighs. 'Do you have a f*****g toothbrush for me cuz this water isn't really helping with getting rid of the taste of vomit.'

'Of course, wait a sec.' I run upstairs to my bathroom to get a new toothbrush and some toothpaste for him. While he's brushing his teeth I stare out of my window into the nothingness. I'd rather cry than laugh right now, but I won't cuz I don't want Roger to know how much he actually hurt me.

I know I'm exaggerating, because we've never been in a real relationship and here I am pretending he just cheated on me or something. But that's how it feels. I'm so f*****g jealous and angry.

I hear Roger walk back into the living room.

'Freddie?' I turn around to look at him again.

'Yeah?'

'We're gonna sleep in the same bed, right?'

'Oh no, absolutely not. You're sleeping on the couch.' How can he think I'd still consider sleeping in one bed with him after walking in on him being f****d?

'But Freddie...' He whines, looking at me with his big puppy eyes.

'No is no Roger. Stop whining.'

'But I can't sleep when I'm alone...'

'Too bad for you.'

'Freddie, seriously. I won't...try anything.' First of all, I know he will. No matter how tired he is, his d**k's never tired. And mine isn't either. He knows I can't control myself around him and he's just gonna take advantage of that.

'That's not what I'm scared of, I just don't want you to be close to me, because I can't get rid of the image of you being f****d by that jerk.'

'Aww, you're jealous aren't you?' He teasingly smiles at me. Of course I am, but of course I'm not gonna admit that.

'You know, I could just throw you out right now and let you sleep outside. So watch out with what you say. Good night.' I stand up and walk out of the room. Roger doesn't say anything, probably because he knows I'm bloody serious.

I walk to my bedroom, strip down to my boxers and get in bed. Roger is such an arrogant f**k sometimes. He bloody thinks he's the king and everyone will treat him like one. Well, not me. Not this time.

After only a few minutes I hear someone entering my room. My back is facing the door so I can't see who, but there's only one other person in my house so...

'Roger, go away.' I groan, not turning around to look at him.

'You have a huge bed and you're letting me sleep on the couch. You really don't need all this space for yourself.' He gets in my bed. I can feel his hot breath in my neck.

'You're staying on that side.' I say, but I know that arguing with him won't help now. I can feel his eyes on me, even though my back is facing him.

'Roger, turn around, please.' He ignores me. I feel a hand softly starting to stroke my shoulder. I freeze, not knowing how to respond to this. Do I push him away? Or do I let him do whatever he wants to do? I wanna choose that last option. f**k, I hate being in love. Roger seriously has me completely in his power, he can do whatever we wants with me whenever he wants cuz no matter how mad I am at him, I'd never be able to resist him.

Dear lord, help me.

I decide to ignore him, maybe he'll just stop...

But no, he moves even closer to me and wraps an arm and a leg around me. I can't help but sigh in satisfaction. He feels like a damn guardian angel right now.

'See? Not that bad...' He whispers. His breath tickles my neck. Jesus, even him just being so close to me is arousing me. s**t, I really can't get hard now...

He starts gently rubbing my chest and stomach, moving his hand lower and lower. Then he swipes my hair away and places a kiss in my neck.

Fuuuuck. That got me so f*****g hard.

'Goddammit Rog...' I growl, in a mixture of annoyance and arousal.

'Just give in already. You know there's no fighting it...' He says, with a shitload of triumph in his voice, knowing he won me over. f**k. 'Please lemme suck your dick.' He mumbles in my ear, as he starts to rub my hard-on through my boxers. I inhale sharply.

'Roger...no...'

'Please?'

'Isn't one per night enough for you?' I roll onto my back so that I can look at him and raise my eyebrows, proud that I finally found a comeback.

'Yes, but I'd suck your d**k anytime.' He takes the opportunity of me lying on my back now to spread his legs on either side of me and sit on top of my uncomfortably hard c**k. God f*****g damn, he looks gorgeous sitting on top of me like that, the moonlight making his skin seem glowy.

'Who gave you permission to do that?' I breathe out, trying not to faint when he starts rubbing his ass against my d**k.

'Freddie...' He leans down and kisses my neck again. 'Quit trying to stop me.' He softly kisses my lips. And then I decide to give in. Life is too short to decline a blowjob from the person I want it from most. I grab his face with both of my hands and crash my lips onto his.

Immediately I feel a shot of adrenaline go through my body and all of the tiredness I just felt is gone within a second. Kissing Roger feels like being struck by the lightning, but in a good way. I've never felt that way about anyone until now.

We shouldn't be doing this. Roger is drunk and we were supposed to stop this. Wow, I kept up with our 'break up' for nearly twelve hours. Good f*****g job. I didn't know not being in love would be this hard.

I grab Roger's ass and pull him into me. He moans into my mouth.

'And you said you didn't wanna kiss me?' He says after pulling back for a second, the smugness in his voice annoying the s**t out of me.

'That was before you sat on top of me, nearly naked, and started rubbing your ass against me. You really are horny all the time, aren't you?'

'Not true! It's just that you're so f*****g sexy.' He laughs.

'Then go ahead and suck my d**k like you promised, you f*****g asshole.' He completely pulls the covers away from my body, moves to the end of the bed and yanks my boxers down. My c**k falls back against my stomach and Roger immediately grabs it and starts stroking it. My mouth slightly falls open and I dig my head into the pillow.

'I love your cock...' He breathes out.

'I know, darling. Show me how much you love it.'

He takes the tip in his mouth and teasingly looks up at me. I gasp when I feel his mouth around me. f**k. Yes. He starts slowly moving his head up and down, one of his hands guiding his movements.

Shit, this already feels way too good. You know that feeling when someone's pleasuring you and you're so damn turned on that right at the start you know you'll only be able to last a couple of minutes? That's how I'm feeling right now. I only ever feel that way with Roger. It always takes a s**t ton of self-control to last long enough.

He starts moving faster and faster.

's**t Roger... it feels so good, please keep going...' I moan, but it's more like a hiss since I'm trying to keep my voice down because I don't want my neighbours to hear me.

I start playing around with his hair and kinda messing it up, because I know that that'll probably annoy him.

Then the sneaky motherfucker stops sucking, wets his fingers with some spit and slowly enters me with one finger, while stroking me with his other hand.

'Blowing you makes me so f*****g horny, seriously, just watching you like this makes me wanna touch myself.' He says, the words sending tingles to my d**k. He adds another finger right as I'm about to say something, so that sentence turns into a gasp.

'Roger, what are you doing to me...' I breathe out, his fingers starting to slide in and out of me in a steady pace.

'Making you cum.'

'Shit...you're gonna make me c*m very quickly if you keep that up.' I close my eyes and let my head fall back.

'You know what? I think I can make you c*m within a minute. Because look at you, I've barely started and you're already dripping with precum.'

'You're an arrogant shit..' I moan. But I honestly think he's right. Roger just chuckles and adds a f*****g third finger. He starts sucking again. Oh dear lord. The sucking and thrusting of his fingers are in perfect rhythm, driving me absolutely f*****g crazy.

Then he hits my prostate for the first time.

'Oh my god, right f*****g there! Keep doing that...' I cry out, feeling like I'm actually gonna pass out from pleasure. Roger is giving me a full-on prostate massage, while still sucking my d**k too and rubbing all the right spots with his tongue.

'Oh f**k, don't stop...'

A few more thrusts of his fingers and I'm right f*****g there.'

'I'm gonna cum...' I breathe out. He takes my c**k as far into his mouth as he can and hits my prostate one more time, sending me over the edge.

'Roger! f**k yes...oh my god!' I arch my and let my mouth fall open completely. I fill Roger's mouth with a huge load of my c*m and he swallows every single bit.

Then he looks up at me, smiling wickedly with a bit of c*m in the corner of his mouth.

'58 seconds. I counted.' He smirks. He looks like he's very pleased with himself. He lays down beside me and I turn to my side so that I can look at him.

'Roger, f**k you. Who taught you to suck like that? I mean, you were good from the start, but this...'

'Guess I'm just a fast learner. See? I knew you wouldn't regret it.' He runs his fingers through my hair. I swipe away the bit of c*m that's still in the corner of his mouth away with my thumb, and he sucks it off.

'I didn't say I don't regret it. Just that felt good. That's something else.' Roger pulls a sad, puppy-eyed face, probably to make me feel bad.

'You regret it already?'

'Look, the thing is, we...I.. well, you know, I told you I didn't want to continue things between us. I mean, not the s*x part. So this wasn't really supposed to happen. Because I don't think...oh it doesn't matter. We'll talk about all that s**t tomorrow. Okay? You need to go to sleep now before you faint again.'

'But...what about me? Don't you think it's fair to give me some back?' He raises his eyebrows in anticipation.

'Hey, you told me you wanted to suck my d**k. Not that I would have to suck your d**k as well. So that...' I nod towards his bulge. 'Is your problem, not mine.' Roger's mouth falls open.

'That's not f...' Before he can finish his sentence I continue talking.

'By the way, I think you've had enough of that for one night.'

'You're f*****g rude.' He sounds genuinely annoyed. Did he really think I was gonna suck his d**k the same night that I walked in on him being f****d by some random dude while I'm still in love with him and he knows that? And I'm not even mentioning his girlfriend yet. I mean, I love sucking d**k, don't get me wrong, but this time I'm not gonna give in to Roger's pleading.

Fuck, I should've never given in to him trying to seduce me in the first place. I'm so f*****g dumb and weak.

'Roger, stop acting like a king who will get anything he wants. I pull the sheets over my body again and turn around before he can respond.

'I'm not acting like a f*****g king!' He exclaims. 'I just want to get something back for what I just did.'

'Like I've said before, I think you've had enough of that for one night.'

'Freddie, please...' He whines. I just pretend to be asleep already. f**k him. What's he gonna do now? Just go to sleep? Go to sleep downstairs cuz he's mad? Jerk off? I hear him get off the bed and go downstairs. f**k. I secretly just wanted him to spoon me so I could fall asleep in his arms.

. . .

The next morning

I start waking up and all I can think is no. I don't wanna wake up. I don't want to exist anymore. Some f****d up s**t happened last night and I made so many stupid decisions. It's like I can't stop doing dumb things and it's so f*****g frustrating. I mean, letting Roger sleep in my house wasn't dumb or anything cuz I really couldn't just leave him in the state he was in. That would've been dangerous. But letting him suck my d**k was f*****g stupid. That really wasn't supposed to happen. He seduced me. Why didn't I just tell him to f**k off?

I actually hate myself.

I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again.

I think Roger and I just need to have a long, serious conversation about everything. And I mean really everything. He must be hiding something, because literally nothing he says is making sense. First he wants to break up with Dominque but doesn't do it for some reason, then he has s*x with me and tells me he's in love with me and everything but then he changes his mind about that? I'm sorry, but you can't just change your mind about something like that overnight in my eyes. That's actual bullshit. It's like he keeps changing his mind about who he wants to be with. I want some f*****g clarity.

I don't want there to be any secrets between us anymore.